At the time I received this amazing package, I was using beauty products from another line that’s advertised as treatment for adult acne and signs of aging. The Good Medicine packaging said nothing about neither aging nor acne, but worked far better than the other brand on both. I was having some pretty serious medication related skin problems, and I have regularly had dry skin which causes signs of aging. I’m not exaggerating when I say that my skin problems cleared up immediately.
The travel collection consists of six products. the magical Breeze was an all-around miracle treatment. The rest pull neck and neck at second place. With Clarity face lotion, Radiance skin lotion, Honey Dew facial firming lotion, Ashes facial wash, Sand facial scrub, this travel kit covers the bases, and then some!
To my great joy, the package I was gifted was full of the large, 4 oz size containers, not the little ones! So is the gift we’re giving away here! These full size items sated me for months. The Breeze I used everyday for everything from burns to bites to blemishes, as well as the use it was intended for; skin toner!
All of the products work wonders alone or together. And my next order will include not only the travel pack, but also an extra order of Breeze.
Now my stash is gone, and I’m one sad girl. But, at $125 the price of the whole shebang is actually a steal. While many of us frugal mamas may not drop that much on ourselves in one shopping trip, if you add up the time the products last for, the quality and the quantity of the products, the pricing is competitive with drugstore prices. It doesn’t even get near boutique prices.
So, why buy chemical-laden drugstore products when you could buy clean, refreshing, effective products from Green Valley Spa’s Good Medicine line? Which brings me to one more lovely aspect of Good Medicine products; the packaging is glass! Better than recyclable, these wonderful little jars and bottles are reusable. Wash, dry, and they’re ready to hold sewing supplies, home-crafted tinctures or salves, or you may want to refill them with tonics or what-have-you at your local bulk-foods outlet.
During these times of buckle-tightening, I find it comforting to know that we can deeply pamper ourselves, take care of the planet, and save money all at the same time.
GIVEAWAY:
There will be TWO lucky prize winners. Prizes below:
Contest ends March 20, midnight Pacific time. Winners announced March 21.
Here’s how to win – read all the rules first! And, PLEASE ENTER EACH INDIVIDUAL ENTRY AS A ITS OWN COMMENT – that means one post for the first option, four posts for the second, and so on.
Go to The Good Medicine Shop, come back and post what Good Medicine product you like best. If you do not do this first step, your following entries will not be counted. This counts as one entry.
Write about this giveaway on YOUR blog, and provide at least two links to this page. Worth four entries. Post the link to your entry in the first of FOUR comments here. the next three can be a comment saying “blog entry” – so a total of four comments, one for each entry.
Tweet this contest. This counts as one entry. Each tweet posted and recorded separately here is worth one entry. @Yoga_mama when you do, so I can see the tweet, and make a comment here. No limit on entries in this category.
Facebook this contest. Each facebook update with a comment left here and recorded separately is worth one entry. No limit on entries in this category.
Come back as often as you like and mention other Good Medicine products you’d like to own. Worth three entries. No limit in this category.
Remember to come back to this blog to see if you’re the winner any time within one to three days of the drawing date. If you don’t, your prize will be forfeit, and another name will be drawn.
Winner will be chosen by the amazing Random Number Generator tool at Random.org.
In case you hadn’t heard, March 2009 was the month of the 50th birthday of the longest-standing winner of the crown of Most Ambiguous Idol of Women’s Power – BARBIE! March is also Women’s History Month, and International Women’s Day is on the 8th. Irony, or not? You decide.
In honor of the grande dame’s 50th, I begin my tribute with a little piece on the Plastic Priestess from Sexy Witch (LaSara FireFox, Llewellyn, nonfiction, 2005), chapter two, on self-esteem. From there, much commentary as a recognition and celebration of changing feminist values and views.
In Defense of the Doll: The Barbie Revolution
Barbie has gone from being a vapid example of how women are “supposed to be,” to being the most successful female in America. Barbie has had 95+ careers, has been created in 45 different nationalities. And, has busted through the glass ceiling on many frontiers. Launched in 2004: White House Barbie!
With any luck, we mortals will soon catch up with this versatile plasticine character. Sexy Witch, LaSara FireFox, Llewellyn Worldwide, 2005
Flashback to the late ’80s, and My Long, Long Journey Towards Respecting Barbie:
With a spotty family history (I’ll spare you the drama), and the fervor of Take Back the Night, I stepped into adulthood at the tail-end of the 2nd Wave, and a chip on my shoulder the size of…well, the size of womanhood itself, and the ills heaped upon it (or, us), I guess.
At 18 I started body building, and learned self-defense techniques that made it possible for me to kill a man with my bare hands.
At 19, I shaved my head, wore boy-clothes, and started walking, talking, and f*cking like a man. Anything HE could do, I could do better – f8ck the “high heels and backwards” part! I wore combat boots. (Didn’t we all?)
At 21, I worked as the only female employee in a moving company of 130+, and became one of the guys. Worked twice as hard for half the respect, yada yada yada.
Yeah. A lot of men were ass3s. And yes, gender was bu77sh1t. And yes, shaving my head, the confidence of knowing how to kill “a perp,” and the strength to lift a washing machine single-handedly made it possible for me to pass as a guy with confidence, and do all sorts of stuff that girl’s (yep, even most “riot grrrls”) couldn’t, or wouldn’t do.
And as a redhead, shaving your hair off is a sure-fire way to find out who’s been objectifying you! At least, that’s how I felt when men talked to me eye to eye instead of eye to breast. Then there were the friends who bailed – I figured to he77 with ‘em, if they can’t take the “real” me.
Result: I hated men more, loved myself less…and slowly, overtime, found a long and winding path towards my own healing, from the inside out.
First, I made gender my own.
Then I started the process of making peace with my body and its female vulnerabilities.
Then, I began the (still-challenging) work of making peace with men, and the fact that they truly COULDN’T (and can’t) understand what it was like to be a woman.
Not their fault. Not always a comfortable truth, but a truth all the same
Just like the fact that I can’t understand what it’s like to be a woman from Chiapas. I can empathize. I can listen to her life stories. I can do what I can to put myself in her shoes. But I cannot know what it is like to BE her.
I learned, and as I learned I taught. I taught workshops. I taught classes. I had debates – formal and informal. I wrote articles.
In the midst of it all, I became a mom.
As a strong, some might even say extremist, feminist, what changed my mind about Barbie?
My daughter was a Daughter. A Daughter, with a capital “D”. Delicate, pale shell of an inviolable (please god, please – prayer whispered again and again) holy of holies. Alabaster skin, tiny ankle, long, fine fingers.
It was as if she were born with a very “traditionally feminine” tenderness. Holding her felt like holding a fragile china doll, with a pulse – one I was entirely responsible to protect from a hard world.
My little one’s fragility announced itself like a metaphorical pink bow tied around her mostly-hairless head – it was like she had an extra x chromosome, just for good measure.
And who knows? Maybe she does? Human genetic sex is a spectrum that contains 47 possible combinations of Xs and Ys.
Even before my eldest daughter’s birth, I had Rules (with a capital “R”) about how she’d be raised. No gender-based gifts, no pink clothes, no dresses. The then-hubby and I hand-dyed “baby pink” and “baby blue” cotton infant shirts black. Back in ‘97 there were no hip, punk-rock baby shops.) We gave her dolls, but made sure she had tractors, too.
But then the damnedest thing happened; my daughter started speaking for herself. Very early. And very – you guessed it – outspokenly. At about seven months.
One of her first favorite words was “pretty.” And, it referred to anything pink.
I loosened up. She LIKED dresses. She loved pink ones the most. Especially ones with tutus, frills, and bright colours. So, bit by bit, along came the wings, and the wands, and the tulle, and the ballet shoes. The girly summer sandals.
I still held on to the “no Barbies” rule. For a very long time. It was a point of reference for me. Something to hold on to.
Against all the ribbing, joking, cajoling, I held on. The Beauty Myth. Anorexia. Bulimia. High heels. Tiny waists. Huge breasts. Make up. Etc. I was afraid of the impact the plasticine queen would have on my – already SO female – daughter.
When she was two-and-a-half, my precocious one asked; “Mom, why can’t I have a Barbie?” She was (is) quite a sharp cookie, and a little pitcher with some big ears! I took a breath, and said “I’m afraid she’ll make you feel badly about yourself.” Her response?
“Mommy, she’s just a doll!” I swear to this day that her voice had a slight edge of disbelief that I could ever be quite so silly.
She won that argument, hands down.
My daughter taught me something in that moment. Sometimes a doll IS just a doll.
And over the years of welcoming Barbie into my family in her many guises, the lovely lady has taught me a few things, too. My girls and I especially loved the Witch Barbies a couple of Halloweens ago. But the greatest sight by far has been the Barbie knock-offs you find in the Middle East. These lovelies sing Middle Eastern Disco, and wear hijab – a hair covering traditional for women in Muslim culture.
Yes, the pink-collar ghetto is still a real thing. Women still make less than men, on average, across the board. The statistical nexus where gender, sex, race, education, motherhood and the market place converge are so convoluted that only economists can do them justice.
And, even at that, there’s HUGE debate about the gender-wage-gap, it’s origins, and possible solutions.
So here I’ll site only a couple of stats I can recall off the top of my head: a white woman, on average, makes about .75 for each $1 a white man makes. That is a quarter less per dollar. $25 less for every $100. $250 less for every $1000. .75 cents on the dollar is a big deal.
The largest wage gap is between white men, and Mexican and Hispanic women. If I remember correctly, the gender-wage-gap is lowest between Mexican and Hispanic men, and Mexican and Hispanic women. (Probably because Mexican and Hispanic men make damn near nothing!)
In all this truth, thank God for Barbie. God bless her, from her misshapen little feet, to her plastic space helmet, to her smart, strong, suits, to her new measurements. Sure, she’s still got an “unrealistic” bod. So does Angelina Jolie, and I love her none-the-less!
Some kinds on “unrealistic” are good. Women getting the vote was, at one time, unrealistic. The civil rights movement? World peace…
Unrealistic doesn’t mean impossible. Sometimes unrealistic is just a challenge that spurs us on.
In Barbie’s world, your worth isn’t based on whether you’re married by the time you’re thirty – as a matter of fact, Barbie’s never been married. In her world, a woman can have any career she wants – or even a whole bunch of them! And she’s no less beautiful, womanly or feminine as a surgeon than as a nurse. And no less strong as a nurse than as a surgeon.
With luck, some perseverance, and some “unrealistic” dreaming, perhaps someday it’ll be so in our world, too.
I trust our girls to know which elements to strive to change, and where to put their focus.
It’s our responsibility not to unthinkingly pass on our wounds, hand our daughters the glass ceilings that held us down, or limit their reaching for the sky, the scalpel, or even the Malibu spa.
And, it’s our responsibility to have the conversation about body image, health, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-esteem over and over again. Even more, it’s our responsibility to model that health for them.
Find the new Sexy Witch Central at WiseWomanWithin.com.
“LaSara Firefox is a genius! You couldn’t ask for a better guide to take you on this emboldening adventure. Accessible and engaging whether or not you consider yourself a ‘witch,’ Sexy Witch is a fabulous book full of serious fun.”
- Ariel Gore, author of the bestselling Bluebird: Women and the New Psychology of Happiness
Sexy Witch, Lasara Allen’s (formerly LaSara Firefox) bestselling first book was published by Llewellyn Worldwide in the fall 2005. Sexy Witch has a very dedicated following, and for this lovely group of sexy witches Nicole Oxendine of www.WiseWomanWithin.com has built a new sexy witch temple in the guise of Sexy Witch Central.
All things Sexy Witch have a new home at WiseWomanWithin. At Sexy Witch Central you can join study groups, get the latest news about spicy women’s groups from Nicole Oxendine, and learn from respected teachers. Visit now, and see what Sexy Witch Central has in store for YOU!
Are you ready to embrace rapid and lasting change in your life?
Coaching allows you to define and reach your personal goals, accelerate your growth, and achieve the life you most desire. Wherever we choose to focus, this work will impact your life globally, rapidly, and with powerful, positive, lasting results.
“Lasara has developed powerful techniques for helping others to create new positive frameworks of thought. Her techniques are accessible and they work. I know that so many would benefit greatly from her teachings. She’s masterful.”
– Bridget C. McBride, Montessori teacher, artist, and mother of two
“Changing the focus of my career was super scary, and something I had to just jump into. I jumped into the wild blue of changing, and was delighted to be caught by Lasara’s net. I have made such wild progress–beyond what I imagined. Quick new ways of thinking about things–like; this isn’t hard, I can just DO this!”
- Ariel Gore, www.arielgore.com, author of the bestseller, Bluebird: Women and the New Psychology of Happiness
I’m a seasoned coach with a great track record and excellent references. My coaching services are phone-based, so location and distance are not an issue.
My coaching clients are hand-picked, and I only have room for four one-on-one, on-going coaching contracts at any one time. I offer coaching and personalized retreats for individuals, couples, families and groups Please get in touch if you think we’d be a good match. Contact me now at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com, or read more below.
“Lasara is patient and insightful. I did a kick-start session with her that helped me clarify some of my hopes and fears, and move forward into manifesting solid results.”
- T. Thorn Coyle author of Evolutionary Witchcraft and Kissing the Limitless
Areas you may want to seek coaching in:
Work and Career:
embarking on your life path
changing careers
values and integrity
transitioning from teacher, writer, educator, or advocate to coach
Life Direction:
turning points
health and well-being
personal values
Relationships
finding the relationship you want
maintaining passion and love in a long term, committed relationship
personal and shared values alignment
Spirituality
guidance
reflection
spiritual alignment
My Coaching Certifications:
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP):
NLP Trainer Certification, NLP International – Richard Bandler and John LaValle, 2007
NLP Master Practitioner Certification, Hawk Ridge Institute – Phil Farber, 2006
NLP Practitioner Certification, The NLP Institute of California – TIm Hallbom, 2003
Reiki:
Reiki I Certification, Terrie Wolfe-Lee, 2008
Other modalities and influences drawn upon include:
Lasara is a seasoned speaker and presenter, with over 20 years experience in both public speaking and seminar development and facilitation. She is available for teleseminars, e-conferences, conferences, seminars, and speaking engagements.
I am walking away with some life skills that will benefit me forever.
-Mary Jo Denney
Great amount of information, Lasara obviously teaches from her wide personal experience and has a big heart + deep compassion.
-Paul Andrade
Lasara is a dynamic and passionate presenter who shares practical and effective tools for self discovery. She has developed powerful techniques for helping others to create new positive frameworks of thought. Her techniques are accessible and they work. They have changed the way that I walk into a room, how I breath, and how I make love. I know that so many woman would benefit greatly from her teachings. She is masterful.
- Bridget C. McBride, Montessori teacher and mother
I very much enjoyed the opportunity to have the time and space to explore the various ways I communicate – or don’t – with myself and others…Thank you Lasara for your honesty, humor and vulnerability.
-Yosenio V Lewis
This was an excellent forum for sharing/discussion. The space was very safe. Loved the boundary discussion before the beginning.
Each of us has a desired level of clean. Or in the case of my daughters and I, a desired level of comfortable mess. The desire for “comfortable mess” on the part of the ladies and the desire for an orderly point within the chaos that is life on the part of my husband sometimes come to odds.
Some see my dedication to my mess as a symbol of the chaos that dwells in my soul. Others (my husband, for one) have pointed out how I’ve used my clutter to keep myself safe, protected, walled off in my own little world.
I no longer deny any of this as having at least some amount of truth to it. My mess does make me feel secure. My cluttered desk is proof of the fact that I have at least one space in our lovely house that is all mine.
Perhaps I could arrive at the same place with flowers and hospital-corner beds, but it’s not the way it works for me. It’s not the way it works for my daughters either.
My husband likes living space to resonate differently. In the duration of our cohabitation, I’ve come to love and cherish the orderly neatness of the shared spaces we create together.
Key to our familial comfort is two sets of rules: one for shared space, another for private. Private spaces are left more or less to personal tastes. Shared spaces are simply, quietly sacred and even temple-like.
In the evenings before bed we collectively find a few minutes to tidy the common spaces, so that we can join together in the still point that is the center of our lives; a wide-open kitchen table and a clean-ish slate of a living room.
Balance is key. A happy home is one where everyone’s needs are met.
It’s happened to all of us; you wake up in a great mood. The sun is shinning, and the first thought you had when you opened your eyes was, “Ah, I’m so lucky to have this life!”
You happily hum your way into the kitchen, and begin getting ready for another full and fabulous day. You’re peacefully preparing breakfast for the kids… and then…
…Your kid emerges from her lair-like den, corners of the mouth slightly rigid, and eyes stormy. Or, your partner cuts himself shaving, and gets grumpy about it. Or your other kid starts pestering your grumpy kid.
Or, all of the above.
Suddenly, life is no longer a bowl full of ripe, sweet cherries. Slowly your perfectly wonderful mood begins souring, too.
It’s true; we catch bad moods! And if we’re not careful, we pass them along. The good news is we can catch and spread positive moods, too.
Here are some ideas for what can be done when a bad mood strikes, and spreads faster than a super-virulent strain of the common cold:
1. Address the facts; a member, or members, of the family are feeling down.
2. Remind yourself, and the rest of your family – if you can do so without sounding high and mighty, that there’s no “right” mood to be in. To everything, there is a season. Allow your heart to open to the possibility that the space each of your family members is in, is perfect for them.
3. Yet, you don’t have to stand by and do nothing, or worse, catch the bug! Instead, ask if anything needs to be done. Perhaps your kid had a bad dream, and needs to talk it out. Or, your other kid feels all the attention being drawn to the grumpy kid. Maybe creating a shift is as easy as asking, “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”
4. Voice your commitment to staying positive. A great way to do this is by being kind, not taking sides, and verbally stating something you’re grateful for.
Stability of mood is built on your own disengagement from how any one “should” be acting, behaving, or feeling. Take a breath. Let everyone else be wherever they are. Choose the mood that makes you feel the most resourceful.
You’ll be able to turn your own mood sunny side up in no time, and let it spread from there. Remember; every breath is a chance for a new choice.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl. Her skin was the color of dark mocha. Her hair was joyfully bouncy, and curled like baby grapevines do. It was as black as darkest night. Her teeth gleamed white and her lips were full. Her smile shone like light breaking through clouds.
One day the beautiful little girl was coloring with crayons. She colored the sky “B…L…U…E.”, reading the color and drawing the sky. She drew a peach tree and colored the leaves on it “G…R…E…E…N. “ She picked up a crayon to color the peaches. “F…L…E…S…H,” was what that crayon said.
“Momma,” the girl asked, “what does FLESH mean?” Her momma said, “It means skin, my baby. Why do you ask?”
The beautiful little girl answered with another question; “Why does this crayon say flesh then? My skin is like chocolate, not like peaches.”
The girl’s momma – whose skin was dark as dusk – didn’t cry, though she wanted to. Instead, she gently picked up the crayon, and said, “That’s a question for later, dearest one.”
The girl’s momma took a box from a cabinet and put the “flesh” colored crayon into it. “This is your question box.” the girl’s momma said, “When you have a question I’m not ready to answer, we’ll save it for later in here.”
The little girl took the box and drew on it. She loved her question box, and guarded it like a box of treasures. After all, it was a box of treasures. The box was filled with the girl’s deepest curiosities.
Over the years, the girl grew, and she put questions of all sorts in the box. Sometimes they were in the form of objects, like the crayon, sometimes drawings, and later it was written notes. She and her mother would take the questions out one by one, and her mother would answer the ones she felt ready to.
It was a long time before the girl’s momma was ready to answer the question about the flesh colored crayon. But answer she did. She told her daughter a story about her ancestors, and about the world. The momma told her daughter about dark and night and the unknown. She told her about fairness and what’s right.
And the girl’s momma gave her a gift. Though the beautiful girl was no longer little, and didn’t really color with crayons anymore, her momma handed her a crayon that was the same color as the one from years before. The crayon said, “P…E…A…C…H.”
The daughter and the momma both smiled. In that moment they knew for certain that there was a right time for every question, and a right time for every answer.
*****
How to Make A Question Box
Honoring Your Child’s Questions with Answers
Sometimes the most honest answer is “That’s not a question I’m ready to answer.” If that’s the case, follow up appropriately. Let your child know when you would be willing to revisit the topic – whether it’s in a couple of days, or when your kid is in the fifth grade, or when she or he is 13, or when you’ve sorted your thoughts and feelings out. Always be responsible and proactive with the follow-up. How to Make Your Question Box
Having your own question box makes it easy to keep track of the questions you’re not ready to answer. A question box offers a structure that will honor your child’s question and your boundaries and comfort zones at the same time.
You will need:
1. A box. You can easily recycle one that’s the size you want, or you can use a sturdy, craft-ready wooden box from your local craft store. The box should be small enough to fit on a counter or desk, and large enough to hold items your wee one has questions about.
2. Paints, collage items (glue, scissors, etc), or drawing implements. Optional: sequins, bedazzlements, glitter, other fun stuff.
Once you’ve chosen a box, decorate it with your kid(s). Paint, collage, or draw on it. Get as fun and fancy as you like! Make your question box easy to open and close.
How to Use Your Question Box
When a question comes up that you’re not ready to answer, choose an item that will serve as a conversation-starter on the topic at a later date. This can be a piece of paper with the topic written on it, or an item that is symbolic of the topic.
Decide on a time when you will review the items in the box and answer the questions, or at least revisit them.
This piece is supplemental to an article called Seven Steps to Healthy Communication with Your Kids, also by Lasára Allen. Find this article and many others at www.LasaraAllen.com.
Enjoy my interview at Guru Radio! Topics: relationship, what women want, benefits of divorce, what people want, presence, attention, transparency, intention.
I haven’t written an update in a while. That’s because I hit a wall. And learned from it!
For two weeks, I could barely move from over training. I was tired and in pain. I decided I would reduce my miles, and started healing immediately. I’m now back to being able to run, and workout, without hurting myself. That is, run at a much lower mileage.
My big crash course education in all this is a lesson I have already learned again and again. Don’t over-reach. Stay within reasonable and healthy limits. Slow down.
So, out of all of this I made a big decision; I have decided to run the seven mile race instead of the half marathon.
At first my reasoning was that perhaps I’m just “not built” for distance running, or racing at all. What I have learned since I made the decision is that people train for a long time to get to the place I was trying to get to much too quickly.
It’s likely that had I not had to have an appendectomy in November, I would have been able to run the half marathon, no problem. Had I been running two miles daily, and then four, and then up to the training regimen I jumped into in the end of December – still with an aching side – I would have been able to pull off the half. Maybe not with flying colors, but the training wouldn’t have kicked my ass the way it did, for sure.
Now that I’m running the 7 mile, some of the ease has come to running. I’m doing some nice strength building. I’m back on my game.
Sometimes a smaller game is a better one. One you know you can complete. One you know you can stay on top of. One you know isn’t going to hurt you.
The big birthday gift has morphed; not a half marathon. A new sense of rapport in my physiology. A new sense of trust and love for the being that is me, amalgamated. Body, mind, spirit. All working toward one goal; better health, and joy in the process. The process is, after all, the true product. Every moment of it; as consciously as possible.
Huge thanks to Runners World for reinforcing my decision and making me feel smart instead of wimpy. Thanks to Born to Run (book, not song) for teaching me so much about what it takes to run, and how to do it right. Thanks to Beth for being my willing buddy. Thanks to me, for continuing to learn to listen better, and to respect limits when they come up.
As conscious parents working to create a better world, we know that the work – and joy – of it begins at home. Here are seven steps that offer you a foundation for clear and healthy communication with your most precious focus; your children.
1. Honor your kid’s questions with answers.
If your child is mature enough to formulate a question on a given topic, she is mature enough to get an honest answer from you. That answer should always be age appropriate, and within your comfort zone.
Sometimes an honest answer is “I don’t know,” or “That’s not a question I’m ready to answer.” If either of those are the case, follow up appropriately.
If you don’t know, you can always make it a research project for you and your kid to engage in together.
If you don’t feel comfortable answering a question because it gets into territory you feel conflicted about, own your boundary around it (see step 4), and let your child know when you would be willing to revisit the topic – whether it’s in a couple of days, or when your kid is in the fifth grade, or when you’ve sorted your stuff out. Always be responsible and proactive with the follow-up.
Bonus idea: Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for directions on creating a “Question Box.”
2. Own your feelings.
Don’t make your discomfort your kid’s “fault.” If the question he has asked makes your hair stand on end and your face flush, know that your embarrassment, your discomfort, or your anger.
A danger inherent in parent-child communication is that your kid will take on your shame, your discomfort, or your unease. Or, in cases where a kid is a “mismatcher”, they may act out in opposition to your stance. If you don’t want your kids blindly falling into – or acting out in response to – your wounding, patterning, imprinting or behaviors, own your internal conflicts.
3. What isn’t said speaks more loudly than what IS.
Ignore it and it’ll go away? Not a chance. But sooner or later, your kid(s) will – especially if you’re unable to answer the questions brought to you. Sex, drugs, money; they’re all topics that may have been avoided in your family of origin. But do you want your kids getting answers from the same unreliable sources you did? (On the schoolyard, TV, your parents, the government?)
The conspicuous silences in your communication are an OUT LOUD statement – about what’s inappropriate, shameful, unmentionable. If you want your kids getting different messages than what you were handed, make sure you’re giving voice to your opinions.
Normalize the topics that make you want to freeze up. Talk with your friends, talk with your trusted advisors (your coach, your priest, your therapist, your doctor), talk with your parents, talk with your peers. Know that there’s a whole world of information out there. If you feel conflicted about your own ideas, educate yourself about different views.
If money was a hidden topic in your family and you feel that hasn’t served you in your quest for financial literacy, give your kids a head start by bringing them into alignment with your financial values.
If you want your kids to know that sex is a good thing to have clarity about, model it by having values-based conversations with your kids about how to define their own sexual values.
With your nonjudgmental guidance and conscientious modeling, this process can begin consciously before your kids are even bringing direct question to you for answers.
Bonus Idea: Use my Sexual Ethics questionnaire for a tool that will help you find a starting place for these discussions. Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for your free copy.
4. Own your boundaries.
We all need appropriate boundaries. Modeling boundaries is, in my opinion, one of the most resourceful gifts you can offer your kids. One of the best way to offer boundary awareness to your kids is to model healthy boundaries in your interactions with them.
This means that you have not only the right, but the responsibility to say “stop!” when your wee one is hurting you, to close the door when you need a minute to yourself, to go for a run on a daily basis – no matter how needy others might be feeling.
Your healthy boundary also makes a clear distinction, and allows you to own your limitations or discomfort. In the course of a conversation or other interaction with your kids, you are bound to occasionally come up against the edges of your comfort zone. In these moments, it creates clarity to own your boundary, and make it clear that any discomfort you feel is due to your own process, and not something that your young-one is doing wrong.
5. Respect your child’s boundaries.
Healthy boundaries go both ways. Another element of boundary in parenting that is all-too-often overlooked is this one; if you want your kids to know that their boundaries are to be respected, you must respect your kid’s “no.”
This can be tricky, but it must be worked out.
For example, sharing is a great value to instill. However, I know how I’d feel if someone came into my office and said “You aren’t using your cell phone right now. Let Joe use it.” My response would be along the lines of “Well, I don’t lend out my cell phone, but Joe is welcome to use the house phone.”
Yet, often parents will enforce sharing to such a degree that it can erode a kid’s sense of control. Negotiate with your young-one. Create agreed-upon rules about sharing, such as designating certain items as “special” ones that they will never be asked to share.
With touch-related boundaries, it may be the most important to respect our kid’s voice. If little Aaron doesn’t like being grabbed and kissed by Aunt Joan, or tickled by his cousins, help him to voice his boundary.
Helping to set a boundary with Aunt Joan may be an uncomfortable moment, but everyone is sure to learn something in it, and Aaron is going to know that he never has to be touched in a way that’s not comfortable for him in order to make someone else feel better.
If we want our kids to have the power of knowing that boundaries are to be respected, we need to both model firm boundaries for ourselves and our kids, and respect our children when they place a boundary that is reasonable.
Kids listen better when they feel safe. (We all do.) They also communicate better when they know you aren’t mad at them. (We all do.) Creating consensual, appropriate, loving connection through physical touch can help both parties stay present in an interaction.
There are many different modes for communication. Different types and levels of physical engagement are appropriate to different settings.
If your child enjoys horsing around, sometimes breaking the tension with a little tickling, wrestling or clowning around is totally appropriate. Or, sometimes massaging your kid’s neck while you chat might be just the right thing.
If your little one is feeling sad, ask if he wants a hug. If your child is feeling tender or vulnerable, it can be great to offer to just hold your kid while he cries. If that’s too much, or not desired, you can offer your hand for holding.
Most importantly, pay attention to your child’s physiological responses, and respond accordingly. If your kid prefers sitting side-to-side instead of face-to-face, talk while sitting on the couch.
One of my daughters loves to have sit-down meetings with her parents. She’s the younger kid, and loves all the attention being on her for the time that we give it. My older daughter, on the other hand, prefers a casual chat while in the car, out on a walk, or her favorite – while shopping.
The point is, every kid is different, with different needs, comfort levels, and desires regarding touch, embodiment and process. Pay attention to what makes your kid more comfortable, and communication will get easier.
Another way to stay embodied is to remember to breathe. If things get stressful, consciously choose to relax your body. Breath into the moment, and you will be more likely to respond the moment that is occurring, rather than reacting to how your dad responded when you brought up the same issue, and you were in the seat that your son is in.
There are two benefits to this practice; the first is that you will be more relaxed, which is a positive thing in and of itself. The second is that your child’s body will respond to your relaxation by matching it.
Whiling remaining conscious and respectful of boundary, connect with your kids on a physical level while you communicate with them. And, stay engaged with your own physiological center.
7. The model is the message.
“Do what I say, not what I do,” doesn’t work. Your kids believe you. They watch you. They look up to you. They learn from you. And, actions speak so much louder than words.
When my clients say demoralizing things about themselves, my standard response is “How would you feel if your kid did (or said, felt or thought) that? Because, she’s going to.” Your kids will, consciously or unconsciously, emulate your modeling.
In this way, self-care is taking care of your children. Your ability to take care of yourself is one of the best foundational messages you can offer your kids. If you don’t want your kids to smoke, quit smoking. If you are having a hard time quitting, talk with your kids about it.
When you make a commitment to shifting a pattern of your own behavior, you can also enroll your kid’s support. This is another opportunity to model resilient skills for your kids. Ask for the help and support you need. Explain why shifting the pattern is hard for you. Use it as an opportunity to educate your kids on good choice-making, using yourself as an example.
Transparency and integrity are areas that you may also choose to model. “I only smoke when I’m away from my kids,” may seem like a good way to limit the damage, but how would you feel if your kid said “Well, I only smoke when I’m away from you.”
When you tell your kids not to get in the car with anyone who’s drinking, and then drive them home from a party after you’ve had a beer, you’re sending a mixed message. It’s confusing, and builds in not only the space for justification in the particular (well, Jo isn’t drunk, so I guess it’s okay to get a ride with her…), but also the room for justification in other areas.
Do you obfuscate? Do you outright lie to your kids? If so, you are ultimately undermining your own authority. How do you think your kids will feel when they find out that you did inhale? If you lie to your kids, or if your behaviors and your words don’t match up, you are giving your kids a template for behaving in the same way. If you value transparency and honesty, model it.
Are you being a resourceful and integrated model for your kids? Here’s a good guideline; ask yourself, ‘If my kid were engaging in the behavior I’m engaging in, how would I feel about it?”
Bonus idea: Create a family charter of agreements.
Sustainable Family Values – How Values Grow.
You are always modeling your values. The tricky part is that we often have two sets of values – idealized values (the values we like to think we have) and applied values (the values we actually live by). If what you think you believe, and how you act in your day to day don’t match up, you’re out of alignment with your ideal values.
You can shift your values into alignment by changing your behaviors to match up with your beliefs. The steps I have offered in this article offer a great starting point for the work of coming into alignment.
The more consciously you engage with living your values, the more aligned your modeling will be with your ideal life. This is a true win/win situation; as you model the behavior that you would most want to see your children emulate, you begin living the best possible version of your life.
Are you celebrating Lent? Lent is a period of fasting. Mardi Gras and Carnival are based on the last day of indulgence before the fast.
If so, what kind of fast are you observing?
Fasting is about giving something up. Temporarily in most cases, unless your fast is indefinite. Spiritual fasting is common in most religions and spiritual paths. Fasting can be about many things, but in my personal experience it always comes down to self-restraint and self-control – and sacrifice.
Sacrifice can be honorable, cleansing, purifying. Sacrificing possessions, indulgences, behaviours, or habits can simplify our lives.
When I come out of a period of fasting – literal or figurative – I have more clarity, and can decide from a new place what I want to reintroduce back into my life. When fasting from foods, I can gain clarity on which foods don’t feel right in my body, and which do. When fasting from a behaviour, I can decide whether my life has been better without it. Even if I am not totally successful at giving it up the increase in consciousness can create a whole new realtionship with the behaviour.
When I want to “lose weight” I work toward better health. When I want to surrender a part of me that no longer serves, I give it up. I sacrifice it.
More positive things will likely come into play, but when I give up a piece of me or my life, I keep myself open to the sense of emptiness that may follow. For example, when my previous marriage ended I didn’t know what would come in. I gave it up because it was time, it was the right thing to do, it was what was required by forces outside of myself.
Yes, it urt, Yes, it was at times very scary. It was lonely. And it was pristine. Cool. Calming. Clean.
Fasting can be all those things. Sacrifice can feel those ways.
Sometimes it may even be better to not think we know what might come in. Thinking we know – even know what we desire – may limit the power of the unconscious mind. Or, Divine Plan. Or God’s Will. Or whatever term makes sense to you.
I sacrifice because the surrender feels right. I sacrifice because the cutting away is required, and often a relief. I sacrifice because, in my lexicon, it means both to offer up, and to make sacred. In my mind, conscious and sacred go hand in hand.
I’m not strictly Christian but as has been the case for years, I AM celebrating the fast of Lent.
Last year I fasted from judgment and instead dedicated my self to witnessing. The year before I fasted from speaking ill of others. By extension, these practices were also about not judging myself, and not speaking – or thinking- ill of me or my own actions.
This year? My fast is from complaining. My hope and prayer is that in the place of this negative practice, I will find even more ways to celebrate this life I’ve been given.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, reflections, and practices.
A fun website that offers info on everything from how to get your kid into a private school, to how to find the right bra size. No mommy-rock left unturned!
Even on your darkest days you can get to gratitude in three easy steps. Here’s the low-down!
1. Take Inventory
There’s ALWAYS SOMETHING to be grateful for. It’s just true. There always is.
Every complaint is a request. Where you see a complaint (“The financial news is so bad!”) there’s a request underneath it (“I want to feel more secure about my finances.”) Find the request, and let the complaint go.
Start with the basics if stepping towards gratitude it feels like a stretch; I’m grateful for my breath. I’m grateful for my well being. I’m grateful for my home. I’m grateful for my children.
When all else fails, think of what others don’t have. And then count your blessings for the abundance you have in your own life. This is a drastic and potentially dangerous step that may call up guilt or pain for some of us compassionate types. But it is a good reminder.
Release your own suffering. It’s so miniscule in the larger scale. And then you can move on to creating more abundance in the world.
2. Build a Gratitude List
You can make your list clean and pragmatic – I make a list in my text edit program sometimes, just to shift my mood – or you can make it pretty, and put it up somewhere visible as a constant reminder of the things you’re grateful for. Either way, enjoy the process of watching the list grow as you remember more and more things that you’re grateful for.
Always state gratitude in the positive. Turn “I’m grateful it’s not raining today” into “I’m grateful for this sunny day.” Turn “I’m glad we didn’t get kicked out this month” to “I’m glad we have this home.”
Why? Because focus is everything. Even if you say I’m glad we didn’t get kicked out this month, you’re thinking about the possibility of being kicked out. This is likely to create a stress response – the opposite of what we trying for here!
If you say” I’m grateful for this home,” you get the feeling of gratitude, not only for the fact that you have a roof over your head, but this very roof! How much better does that feel? That’s what you want to achieve – that feeling of safety, gratitude, warmth, grace.
3. Commit to Action!
Choose at least three of the things on your list, and make plans – ones that you’re able to immediately implement – that will increase the experience or presence of those three things in your life.
The plan can be directly related to the list item; like, if you’re thankful for running, schedule in running. Or, the plan can be more loosely related. If you’re grateful for your kids, you can schedule some quality time, or you could write them a gratitude note, or you could give them some sort of special gift.
Whatever the plans are, make them easily within reach, and make them things that make you happy when you think about them. If you follow those two basic guidelines you’re sure to follow through. According to scientific studies, completion of tasks increases the happy-chemicals in your brain. So you get rewarded over and over again for taking just a few simple and sweetly joyous steps.
If you’d like a fun and easy way to find help in cultivating your gratitude, you could always get Gratitude Games! More info at www.gratitudegames.com.
I was skeptical at first, but now Twitter is my golden city. As a busy mom and entrepreneur, I can take a few minutes and digest a handful of posts from my favorite Twitter friends, or post a bite-sized delight about my own day – all condensed to 140 characters or less. Who doesn’t have time for that?
Yes, often those posts will contain a link that may lead to an off-site exploratory mission, but so far it’s the most organic and dynamic way I’ve found to keep to my finger on the quick-beating pulse of the magical and diverse interwebs, and at the same time keep a constant stream of interest in what I have to offer.
If you’re new to Twitter, or have yet to join the chorus, here are a few ground rules that will help you to make your tweets harmonious.
1. Follow me, and I’ll follow you…and vice-versa:
If I follow you, please do the community-oriented thing and follow me, too. That way it becomes a conversation, a collaboration, a community. For us dedicated tweeters, Twitter is about building relationships. Build one with me!
Most of us don’t tweet to hear the sound of our own voice. No one wants to be shouting into a well. Consider my follow an invitation into my world, as well as a tip of the hat to your skill in presenting a doorway into yours.
2. Write a good bio:
In the beginning, this tiny bio is all we know about each other. 160 characters of character. The bio is often an under-utilized aspect of Twitter. I’m encouraging a bio revival! Make me want to know you. (It’s great practice for your elevator pitch, too, right?)
I encourage you to include something about your openness to new followers, or the reason you’re on Twitter. I put “Follow me, I’ll follow you,” in my bio. If you only want people you already know to follow you, you can protect your updates. In addition, you could say “I only follow people I know.” This little step will save both of us time, energy, and pride.
In addition to the bio, there’s a spot for a url. Add a link to a place where I can find out more about you; your blog, your website, an article you’ve written, your facebook profile.
3. Building your “Twitterverse”:
The way to build your network is to follow people. Yet, you ideally want a good balance between following and followers. So there’s a rhythm to building your twitterverse. Here’s how mine goes:
a. Find prospective Twitter friends (see step 4 on some tips on that), and follow them.
b. Allow a few days for the prospective community member to follow me in return.
c. If they follow me back, I make personal contact through a direct message (aka, “dm”, see section 6 for more info) and all is good. If they don’t, I evaluate whether they’re worthwhile to follow without the benefit of a two-way conversation. If they are, I keep them on. If not, I unfollow them.
4. Finding your twitter-posse:
You want to follow people you find interesting. You want to be followed by people who will find you interesting. Whether this is for work, fun, community building, or all of the above, your skill in creating your personal Twitterverse predicts how rewarding your Twitter experience will be.
There are worlds of possibility in every moment, but even more so in Twitter. Bloggers, and moms, and marketers, oh my! Really, you can find followers and followees from all walks of life, and with interests that run the gamut. These people are going to be getting into your head, and introducing you to new worlds day by day. Choose accordingly!
First off, click on the Find People tab on your home page (upper right, see it? good!) you might want to follow your irl (in real life) friends. You can search them by name or e-mail address. You can also invite them to join twitter, if you think they’d enjoy the experience.
Next, you’ll want to choose a few terms that indicate shared interests. For me, those terms were mom, mommy, mama, momma, and the dad variations, too. Then yoga. You can either search by terms at http://search.twitter.com/, or you can use the Find People tab again.
When you search your terms, the search will bring up profiles that list terms in the Twitter user name, in a tweeter’s bio, or even sometimes in a tweeter’s tweets. I found pages and pages of members listed on most of the terms I searched.
I chose selectively from the tweeters listed. Some of the parameters I used to decide whether I should follow someone or not were;
* The date they last tweeted – if someone hasn’t been on in months, what are the chances they’ll respond to a follow alert from a stranger?
* What their most recent tweet said; for example, if the tweet said “Why the hell are all these strangers following me? Creepy!?!”, that member is not a likely candidate for community building!
* Their bio, and whether it sounded like we’d be a good match.
Most often I would choose not to follow people with protected updates, but in rare cases I’d risk it and request permission to follow. I recommend that you judge that one on a case-by-case basis.
Another way to find like-minded tweeters is to go to a like-minded tweeters page, and follow the tweeters they follow, and those who follow them. You can see bios by placing your cursor over a tweeter’s name.
I would follow as many tweeters as I felt inspired to in one fell swoop (I think my “following” list got up to around 2000 once), and see who followed back. After a few days, I’d go back check out which tweeters had responded, and go through the evaluation of whether I would keep following tweeters who had followed back, or not.
Through this strategy, I built my list of followers up to over 700 in a matter of days.
5. Ethics for business (and personal) networking:
Some disagree with me on this, but I believe that even – or perhaps especially – if “you” are a business, you should follow in return. Yes, Twitter is free advertising, and it’s SMART advertising – JetBlue, Zappos, Vans and thousands of entrepreneurs can’t be wrong!
But, as always, there needs to be some buy-in. In this case, imnsho (in my not so humble opinion), the buy-in is this; I’ll pay attention to your posts, but I expect you to pay attention to mine, too. It’s a give and take, baby!
Besides, think of the marketing information you’ll be able to gather. Two-way communication with your demographic is just plain smart business sense.
Also, it’s not good manners to follow me, and then turn around and unfollow me when you think I’m not looking. I will come back and check from time to time, to see if those I follow are following me. (I do the same for those who are following me, too. I go and check my followers and make sure I’ve returned the follow.)
Not only that, there are tons of third party systems coming into being that are created to augment the Twitter experience. One of these even helps twitterers keep track of their follower activity. And, there are sure to be more of them as time goes by, and Twitter’s popularity continues to soar to new heights.
There are a few exceptions to the rule, but I generally don’t follow those who aren’t willing to follow me in return. I cast a line out, and if you grab hold I’ll hang on too. However, if there’s no resultant tug on the rope, I’ll reel it back in and cast in another direction.
If you have something amazing to say, and I just can’t live without your voice, I’ll stick around. But I tell you, it’s so much more fun when we can all sing out together!
6. A few easy commands that will be useful to know:
@username: this creates an automatic link to a tweeter’s profile, and alerts the user that you have sent a public post that cites them. If you’re replying to a tweet, including @username (like @yoga_mama) is great. It both promotes the tweeter, and creates a connection between you and the tweeter in question.
#tag: (like #gratitude, #palin, #debate, etc.) makes it easy to search an item, and get all the tweets that are relevant. It’s also is an easy way to see relationships between tweets by multiple tweeters.
rt, or retweet: when you repost someone’s tweet, it’s proper to add “rt @username” and then the retweet. Basically, it’s a way to give credit where credit is due. And again, it promotes tweeters who are tweeting things you appreciate or agree with.
d username message: direct messages are the way to send a private note to another tweeter. Remember, it’s “d(space)username(space)message”. You’re only able to “dm” tweeters who are following you.
In closing:
Twitter is a community. In some way more profoundly than any other networking site I’ve ever been part of, the tweeters I follow have worked their way into my heart.
Maybe it’s the often unguarded, haiku-like quality of the “microblogging” experience. Maybe it’s the frequency with which I see the words of a given tweeter. Maybe it’s the fact that the Twitter experience has the contour and context of a conversation drifting in through the kitchen window.
And this in a country (the USA) where we often don’t have a sister or best friend living next door, or a neighbor we could easily ask for advice on a moment’s notice. Much less, hundreds of neighbors, many of whom might send well wishes when you need them, and heartfelt advice when you ask for it. (Or, just like any family, sometimes even when you don’t!)
Twitter has brought us into one another’s living rooms. It’s allowed us to share our vacations, our kid’s Big Game, our successes and heartbreaks.
It’s opened a window into a community that never goes to sleep – tweeters live all over the world, as one tweeter tweets her last missive of the night, another wakes up to a brilliant new day. A community that is always willing to give a shout out, send a smile, talk about politics, and lift one another up in a challenging moment.
Remember this as you build your personal Twitterverse. You are creating a new world, from nothing. Build it, grow it, nurture it with intention and care. And you know, everything will be just right.
Be a Model Twitizen Revisted: A Twitter User Update
Some new aspects of Twitter for you – the savvy Twitizen.
1. Twitter Parties
If you haven’t yet participated in a Twitter Party, do so as soon at your first opportunity. It’s a whole new way to participate in the Twitterverse!Twitter parties are used to raise consciousness about causes (fundraising, fires, poverty), create a Twitterwave of a certain vibe (#kindness, #gratitude), launch websites (Twitter “open-houses” for new websites are common), or as a gathering of people (#gno) or ideas (#motrinmoms, #tcot, ), or an event (#inaug09, #blogher).
Create, participate, enjoy! Here’s how:
a. Organizers choose a hashtag (#) to organize the party under (i.e.; #GRATITUDE), and a date and time.
b. Host(s) spread the word, hoping for viral propagation, via RT (retweet), blog posts, word-of-mouth, and other opportunities to spread the word.
c. At the appointed time, Twitizens show up and carouse! Many of us use apps like Tweetdeck, or secondary sites like Tweetchat or Tweetgrid to track and participate in the event.
If you’re lucky, or if your idea is one that captures the heart of the Twitterverse, your #party may trend to the top of Twitter Search, and while it may be silly to think of that as an achievement, it does help your cause, event, idea, or group to gain visibility in a big way. Besides, it’s fun!
2. Twitter Limits
We all need boundaries, and these are the ones the mighty, mostly invisible super powers behind Twitter have chosen.
This does tie in to Twitter parties, too. My first time out as #GRATITUDE host, I got locked out for an hour because I exceeded my 100 API requests per hour allotment. There are ways to avoid this;
1. Have co-hosts, and distribute the work of hosting. If you are having gifts or prizes as part of the party, have more than one host handle that part.
2. Have more than one profile that you host from. I’m not sure if this is a grey-area solution as ethics go, but weigh it on your own.
The word Samhain seems to have come from the word samhraidreadh, which in the Gaelic, the language of the Celts, means “summer’s end.” The Celts divided the year up into two parts; the Winter Half, or Dark Half, and the Summer Half, or Light Half. The Celts considered the day as starting with evening, instead of midnight or morning, and so it was with the year. As the Celts went into the darkening season, they went into their new year.
Samhain was a one of the four yearly Fire Festivals celebrated by the Druids of the Celtic lands. These festivals lasted three days, and were celebrated on the seasonal turning points, which were the points between equinoxes and solstices. At the Samhain fire festival, and at it’s cross-point, Beltane, once the community fire was built, all fires in family hearths were let to go out. These two times were the only times during the year that the hearth fire was extinguished. On the final morning of the festival, the head of each house would take embers from the community fire and restart the fire in their hearth.
In the Celtic tradition, the day before Samhain was considered the last day of the old year, and the day after Samhain was considered the first day of the new year. The day of Samhain was considered a time between times, a day between years, and a world between worlds. It was a very magical day.
The Celts believed that Samhain was a time where the world of spirits (where the dead, the faeries and other supernatural beings dwelt) and the world of the living were closest. They believed that the spirits of the dead would come and walk among the living during this festival. Many Celts dressed in costumes of spirits and faeries to make the wandering spirits feel at home.
Often, too, it was the poor of the community who would wonder begging food in the guise of the spirits. And the homesteaders would not want to bring the disfavor of the spirits upon them by acting selfishly. So the hungry would be fed on Samhain, and the ancestors would bring blessings to those who had been generous.
Another aspect of this festival is the story of the Celtic God of Sun and Vegetation, Lugh. Having given-in to wounds received on Mabon (the autumnal equinox) in mid-September, Lugh was believed to die each year during this time. (And each year The Sun God would be reborn on winter solstice.) Lugh was killed by his shadow self and twin, Tanist; the Horned God, the Dark Lord, the Lord of Misrule.
Under the rule of Misrule, this was a time when the usual rules were not lived by. The Celts usually lived by strict rules, but during Samhain the rules were laid aside, and mischief was made, fortunes were told, and revels were had. Men dressed as women, women dressed as men, and bands of young people would wander for miles seeking food and drink from the farmsteads in return for the entertainment they offered. This is where one of the American traditions of Hallowe’en came from. Trick-or-treating was once called mumming, and was a time where groups of people, adults and children alike, would go from door to door in costume singing, jesting and posing as spirits. The people they visited would offer treats in exchange for the entertainment, and in order to create goodwill with the spirits.
Ancient people lived with a much closer relationship with death than many Americans do, and Samhain was a time of getting ready to face the possible losses that would be brought by winter. Herds of livestock were culled; the weak, sickly and old animals were slaughtered, so that there would be enough food for the healthy livestock to survive the winter. Samhain was considered the third, and last, harvest of the season. Called the Red Harvest, this harvest was of the meat. Some of the meat was salted and saved for winter, and some of the meat and all the bones were burned on the bone-fire (possibly the origin of the word bonfire) in offering to the spirits. The bone ash was used to nourish the fields where crops would be grown the next year.
Jack-o-lanterns were originally carved from turnips and other tubers, and were made as a warding to keep unfriendly spirits, mischievous faeries and hungry souls from stopping over. Bonfires were built on hilltops to light the way for the wandering dead, and to give them light and comfort in the darkness.
If any loved ones had died in the previous year, his or her family would put a lighted candle in the window to lead the spirit home. The living would leave doors and windows unlatched, and set a place at the supper table for their beloved dead. The family would eat in silence in honor of the dead, from whom death had taken voice.
The closeness of the different worlds during Samhain made it an especially easy time to catch a glimpse of the future, and many would play games of divination on Samhain eve. Apple bobbing descended from one of these games.
Los Dias de Muertos: Mexican Indian
This fiesta is a rich cultural and religious celebration originating in Mexico. Dia de los Muertos has roots in many indigenous Mexican Indian tribal traditions, including those of the Aztec, Mayan, Incan
and Toltec. After the invasion of the Spanish, Los Dias de Muertos came to include Catholic aspects as well, with much of the art and reverence including imagery of Jesus as one of the beloved dead.
Los Dias de Muertos is many days of celebrations, starting on October 31st with Dia de los Angelitos (Day of the Little Angels), dedicated to those who died young, Dia de Los Santos (Day of the Saints) on November 1st, and Dia de los Difuntos (All Souls Day) on November 2nd. There are parades, and a day and night is traditionally spent in the cemetery. The gravesites are cleaned and richly decorated with marigolds (the scent of which is believed to call the spirits of the dead home), bread and candy. Much attention is given to making the gravesites beautiful and spending time together remembering dear ones who have passed on. People bring musical instruments, blankets and baskets of food, and spend all night in vigil and celebration at the gravesides of their beloved dead.
Creation of huge family altars to the dead is central to the celebration of Los Dias de Muertos. These altars hold pictures of those who have passed, marigolds, brightly colored paper decorations (papél picados, papier maché skeletons attending to all the tasks and joys of life, smiling skulls and coffins made of a sugary confection called alfeñique, personal belongings of those who have died, water, salt, and an incense censer with copal resin burning. Sugar skulls, sweet Pan de Muertos (Bread of the Dead) and favorite foods of those being honored adorn the altars and are given out as treats. No expense of time, energy or money is spared in preparing the family altar.
A lighted candle on the altar represents each family member who has died in the previous year during the festivities, with one extra candle so no spirit is left out. The beloved dead are expected to visit during the festival and to partake of the ofrendas (offerings) piled high upon the altar.
In many small towns, doors are left open to encourage visitors, both alive and in spirit form, to enter homes, view the family altars, and partake of the sacred foods and drinks.
American Traditions:
Here in the United States, we are lucky to have the influence of the Celtic (by way of family lineage in some cases, and literature in others) and the Mexican (especially in California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas) ways of celebrating this wonderful festival that honors death as just another transformation in the flow of life.
Here, we celebrate Halloween by dressing in costume, transforming ourselves into our dearest dreams or our scariest nightmares. We get to go out into the world as someone other than we usually are.
“Misrule” is still huge part of Halloween. People do things like yell “Happy Easter!” and reply with “Merry Christmas!” as they pass one another. On the less fun side of things, some see Halloween as an opportunity to perform dastardly deeds (like egging houses, smashing pumpkins, T.P.ing cars) that would be better left to the spirits!
Trick-or-treating is a gentler side of this tradition. Though trick-or-treating doesn’t always hold the beauty of a visit from the beloved dead, or the fun of a band of mummers, at least it’s not hurting anyone. At best, it is an opportunity to be out on the streets with friends and family, a part of a community, sharing an experience with others that doesn’t involve sitting back and watching the new Hollywood blockbuster.
Every year, holidays in America become more and more commercial. This year Halloween themed toys, gimmicks and costumery were out on the shelves by the beginning of the school year. But, you can decide to transform Halloween into a heartfelt and personal experience of the beauty of life and death.
What part of the celebrations you have read about stand out for you? The beautiful altars for the dead? Maybe you can find a local Mexican American cultural center and visit during Los Dias de Muertos? Maybe you liked the origins of trick-or-treating? This Halloween you could make a play with your friends, and perform it at each house you visit on Halloween. Or, perhaps the idea of giving generously at this time of year sounds good. With the help of a teacher in your school, you could set up a canned food drive for those in your community who do not have what they need to be warm and happy.
Activity: Making Alfeñique
These sugar calaveras (skulls) will be a fun, beautiful and spooky gift to give to your friends, or to place on your own altare de Muertos.
Ingredients:
2 cups powdered (confectioners) sugar
1 egg white
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/3 cup cornstarch
food coloring
Equipment:
2 mixing bowls
Egg beater
Measuring spoons
Clear, clean, dry surface for working the alfeñique
Wooden mixing spoon
Small plastic zip-lock baggie
Small bowls or saucers for food coloring
1 very fine paintbrush for each person who wants to paint alfeñique
How to:
1. Sift sugar into one mixing bowl.
2. Separate egg yolk from white. Throw away yolk.
3. Whip egg white until it is stiff enough to make peaks, in the other mixing bowl.
4. Still using the egg beater, mix vanilla into the egg whites.
5. Bit by bit, mix the sugar into the egg white mixture with the wooden mixing spoon.
6. Once the sugar and the egg mixture are so dry they start to crumble, work the mixture with your fingers until you can form it into a small ball.
7. Dust the dry surface with cornstarch.
8. On this surface, knead the mixture until the ball of alfenique is smooth.
9. Put the smooth ball into the plastic bag, and chill.
10. Once chilled, work the alfeñique into skull shapes, or whatever shapes you like.
11. Let alfeñique dry.
12. Once dry, paint with food coloring.
Recipe: Magickal Mulled Cider and Spirit Cakes
This Magickal Mulled Cider uses one of the most popular Halloween treats –apples- as a base for spices, which are full of magick! Listed below are some powers that these spices are believed to have, but it is also important to know that these powers change, sometimes from person to person.
The most important thing to remember when working magick of any kind, is that your intention (what you want to make happen) is the most important tool you have for any spell-working. So, as you work with this recipe, see what you think each spice does. Hold the spices in your hand, one at a time, and let your body tell you what each one is good for.
You can also give something a meaning. Though this may be considered a superstition by many, but what you believe has a lot of power. You can create meaning, a new reality even, just by believing.
Here are some traditional powers the spices you will use today are believed to have: Cloves are considered helpful to those in mourning, and they bring prophecy and offer protection. Nutmeg brings dreams, vision and wealth. Cinnamon is good for strengthening magickal acts, bringing success, wealth and health, bringing the second sight – the sight of prophecy – and it warms the spirit and the body. Allspice is for strengthening a community. Ginger warms, energizes and purifies. Lemon is for purification, and orange for love and vision.
This Magickal Cider will bring visions, comfort, warmth, health, wealth, love and a strong sense of community to all you share it with. It is great for a Halloween party, a Samhain night ritual, or anytime you feel the need for this warm magick. What a great way to enter into this new season. Don’t you think?
Magickal Mulled Cider
Ingredients:
1/2 gallon apple cider
3 cinnamon sticks for the pot,
Cinnamon sticks, one each per mug (optional)
1 Tablespoon whole cloves
1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg –or- 1/8 teaspoon dry, powdered nutmeg
5 pieces whole allspice
1 teaspoon fresh grated ginger –or- 1/4 teaspoon dry, powdered ginger
1 pinch ground cinnamon per mug
1 tablespoon dried orange peel –or- peel of one fresh orange
Pieces of fresh orange peel cut into stars and other shapes, one per mug (optional)
1 lemon, juiced and pulped
Equipment:
Large (6 Quart) saucepan
Small muslin spice bag –or- cheese cloth –or- a tea strainer
Spice grater
Small plate
Paring knife
Wooden mixing spoon
Ladle
Mugs all around
How-to:
1. Heat cider to a simmer in the sauce pan.
2. While cider heats, grate ginger and nutmeg onto plate.
3. If using fresh orange peel, cut peel into small pieces. (You can cut designs if you like. Stars, pumpkins, circles. Especially good for pieces to put into mugs.)
4. If you don’t like to have to strain the cider, put spices and peel into a spice bag, or tie in cheese cloth. (I prefer to leave the spices loose, and don’t mind straining. If you are the same, skip this step.)
5. Using wooden spoon, mix the cinnamon, ginger, allspice, cinnamon sticks, cloves, nutmeg, orange peel, lemon juice and pulp into the cider.
6. Allow to simmer for at least an hour and a half.
7. Serve hot. Ladle into mugs, and place a fresh cinnamon stick (optional) and fresh piece of orange peel in each mug.
If the cider is too spicy, or not spicy enough for your tastes, next time add more or less of whatever you want.
Serves: Many revelers
Soul Cakes
These cakes have lost of stories. The one thing you can be sure of is that they will fill the tummies of hungry visitors, spirit and living alike. This recipe includes rosemary for remembrance, and salt for cleansing.
All parts of this recipe are magick in some way. These are a few parts that have stories: Oat is useful for increasing the wealth of your home, and in lifting a bad mood. Wheat is for fertility, and is a wonderful way to recognize the relationship between life and death at this time of year. At this time, the seeds plowed under in the fields wait for the springtime warmth to sprout, and grow again.
6 oz. butter, softened
6 oz. fine, granulated sugar
3 egg yolks
1 lb. flour – unbleached wheat, whole wheat, oat, or a mixture.
A pinch of salt
1 teaspoon of ground allspice –or- mixed spices -which do you think would taste good? What kind of magick do you want in these cakes?
1 teaspoon of fresh rosemary, chopped finely.
3 oz. currants
A little warm milk
How-to:
1. Set the oven to 350ºF.
2. Cream the butter and sugar together in a bowl until fluffy.
3. Beat in the egg yolks.
4. Sift together the flour, salt and spice.
5. Add currants.
6. Fold the currants and the flour, salt and spice into the egg mixture.
7. Add milk bit by bit, to form a soft dough.
8. Divide into pieces and form into flat cakes.
9. Place on a greased baking sheet.
10. Cut designs into the top of cakes.
11. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden.
I have a lot going on in my life right now, as do we all. All of it is an opportunity to achieve a more constant state (or station) of awakening to compassion. One of the largest of my personal challenges to living in my compassionate heart is Sarah Palin.
Why? To begin with, she’s the iconic proof that we haven’t “come a long way, baby!” at all. Palin represents the dumbing-down of America, but more painfully to me, she is the “answer” to Senator (Hillary) Clinton’s “ball-busting” demeanor. Palin is hailed by some as the perfect feminine candidate; MILF-esque, down-to-earth (folksy), and seemingly, dumb as a doornail. Ouch.
So here’s the practice I am sitting with in accepting Palin as part of the undifferentiated all-that-is: three steps to cultivating compassion.
1. I recognize Palin and my feelings for her as my own shadow, my own wounded self seeking the light of acceptance, my own wounded femininity aspiring to recognition in a “patriarchal” world, my own fear and my own failing.
2. I awaken my “witness self”, the one who easily sees my own broken parts, and loves me into wholeness, even when I feel unlovable, or unloving.
3. I allow my heart to open and grow, and visualize Palin held securely in my own heart, or enveloped in my heart-energy. I breath into this love, and allow myself to heal in, and through, it.
I undertake this practice for the benefit of all beings, pervading space and time.In the process, I heal my own heart. I address my own shadow, and in moving through the pain of it, I become more awakened to the process of integration.
In the healing of my own heart, and the growth and expansion of it, I come to have more faith in the possibility of healing. Anger is a poisoned blade that harms the one that holds it.
I am only capable of healing myself. But, perhaps in healing myself, I heal the world.
**This piece was written shortly before the presidential election of Barack Obama, but can easily be carried across to any election, or even to daily life.**
As the election nears, there are questions on everyone’s lips. Whether it’s okay to talk about politics is one of this big ones. My opinion; it’s not just alright, it’s your responsibility to do so! This is a democracy, and as citizens, we are empowered to participate in the governance of our country.
1. Assume positive intent.
Just because politics tend to get dirty doesn’t mean that I should add my own mud to the slinging. It can be a challenge to do so, but holding back is good form. I want to hear your point of view, and I want you to hear mine. Let’s keep it as clean as we are able to.
2. Generate Bodhicitta.
Bodhcitta means wisdom-consciousness, or awakened-consciousness. Engage in the political conversation from a place of wisdom and compassion. This allows you to recognize your own wounding, while allowing yourself not to react from the wounded place. It also allows you to remember that everyone is doing what they think best for the world.
You don’t have to agree with their methods (and you won’t in many cases), but trust that everyone is doing their best. In addition to contributing to the process of your own potential awakening to the enlightened mind, it makes it easier to have a civilized conversation.
3. Don’t take it personally.
While it’s easy to get caught in the fervor of fear, hurt, power and probabilities, and while the outcome of election day is very important, remember that comments made about your candidate are not comments made about you. Political disagreements don’t need to become personal ones.
As a business person, I know I take a risk by being public with my political views. But it is a risk I willingly take on, in order to be the best citizen – of this country and the world as a whole – that I can be. And I respect your right and duty to do the same.
**This meditation is modeled on the loving kindness meditation from Ezra Bayda’s book, Being Zen, and further modeled on many practice for what in Buddhism is called generating bodhicitta.**
This Awakened Heart meditation is designed to encourage awakening, develop presence, and to cultivate compassion. Bring your whole self to this experience, and come fully present in what is.
Before beginning the recitation of each line of the prayer/mantra/meditation, take a full breath in. Release the breath gently as you recite the line. Allow a pause between recitation of lines as you become conscious in drawing a deep, full, gentle breath. Be conscious of the words you are speaking as they form in your mouth and leave your lips, powered and empowered by your breath.
The second set of the meditation can be repeated as many times as you want, and may be used to bring your practice of compassion into fullness. I recommend that you devote each repetition of the second set to only one person, and repeat it as many times as you desire, or have the “bandwidth” for.
Hold the person you are dedicating the set to in your mind. You may want to imagine your compassion and love pouring out with your breath, and enveloping the recipient with gentle, glowing light. You can envision them circled in love, compassion, light, whatever image works for you.
A practice that I find healing and consciousness-raising is to devote the first round of the second set to someone I love with no resistance – one of my daughters, for example. Then with each additional round, i stretch my compassionate heart a little wider, including those who I may have recently felt some conflict with. Then to those beings – living or dead – who really stretch my compassion.
On the third round, if it helps you to increase the awakening of your heart, you may visualize the earth, the galaxy, the universe, all time and space.
Enjoy your practice. May this act benefit all beings.
May I be present in the awakened heart.
May I address that which clouds the awakened heart.
May I experience this moment as it is.
May this act benefit all beings.
May you be present in the awakened heart.
May you address that which clouds the awakened heart.
May you experience this moment as it is.
May this act benefit all beings.
May all beings be present in the awakened heart.
May all beings address all that which clouds the awakened heart.
May all beings experience this moment as it is.
May this act benefit all beings.
I am present in the awakened heart.
I address all that which clouds the awakened heart.
I experience this moment as it is.
This act benefits all beings.
Another run with Beth – Yay Beth! We clocked two miles at:
Beth: 11:09/mile
Lasara: 12:11/mile
Pretty good, I say. Forgot the Red Bull again, and my lungs paid the price. Treated post run asthma attack with Astragalus, Herbal Expectorant Cough, and Yin Chiao. And hot Ovaltine with some extra Malt. Yum. The lungs feel better now.
My shake tastes faintly medicinal. Hmmm. Combo of anti- oxidant fruit juice and berry Emergen-C…and supplements are all surely to blame. Milk-base tastes better.
Two mile runs rock. Time to adjust expectations. 7 mile in April instead of half marathon? Half marathon in fall…Beth’s down. Need to contact my sister and give her the news…unless she reads this first.
Do you have serious fitness goals, AND obstacles to overcome in reaching them? Here’s the answer: The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong by David Patchell-Evans – Wiley – 9/9/09 – BOOK REVIEW
David Patchcell-Evans’s new book, The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong, is another one of those messages that the universe delivered to me right on time. As someone who experiences stress- and depression-induced chronic pain when I’m down (in my case a side-order to living with bipolar disorder), “Patch’s” message of successes in fitness against the odds really had an impact on me.
His personal story is also not just engaging, but emotionally affecting. A person who lives with chronic pain himself, I believe him when he says that it’s possible to live a physically, spiritually, mentally engaged life even when you feel like you can’t move a muscle. Seriously.
Patch’s daughter was diagnosed with a severe form of autism at an early age. In The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong, Patch explains how his experience in overcoming debilitating pain helped him to support his daughter achieve a life that is way beyond the prognosis and predictions made for her upon diagnosis.
In The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong, Patch offers his story as inspiration, but more importantly he offers seriously helpful instruction in getting your land-legs under you! Working from where
ever you are this book is bound to help you set and achieve your own health and fitness goals.
Another notable thing about Patch is his amazing generosity. Not a percentage, but all the proceeds from the sale of Patch’s book are going to research on autism.
I’ve only had the pleasure of reading the advance chapters so far. Once the book is available for review I’ll be sure to give a more complete picture of what Patch has to offer. For now, let his writing speak for itself. Enjoy the excerpt below or buy now! Order here.
EXCERPT:
When people first start an exercise regimen, they often judge themselves harshly. They focus on their short-comings or on how far they have to go, rather than congratulating themselves on showing up, seeing the great gift they have given themselves, and acknowledging how far they have come.
I have found that exercise has not only been a source of physical joy, but it has provided me with moments of spiritual connection as well. I have frequently said that your body will thank you for exercising—you have more energy than you’ve ever had before and your body will feel fantastic. Sometimes you get an even better surprise—the gift of feeling that your mind, heart, spirit, and body are truly one. . . .
The health of your body influences what you experience in your mind. There is no mind/body split. If you can engage your whole spirit in the pursuit of fitness—not just your intellect, not just your emotions—but instead everything inside you that is truly you, you’ll discover what it is to be a whole person.
Your body needs and wants exercise. Your mind needs exercise. Your heart (the loving part of you) needs exercise. Your spirit needs exercise. All aspects of you live within your body. All these parts of you allow your soul to be free because when your body, mind, heart, and spirit are in sync, you resonate with life itself. You really can experience fitness for the soul.
From time to time the home-fires cool. Here are some sure-fire ways to raise the temperature in your personal temple of love!
Man or woman, we all love to loved. We love to be appreciated, showered in praise, listened to, noticed. We love being recognized and worshiped in little and big ways, quiet and loud ones.
Here are some simple steps to gently coaxing those glowing coals of desire to full flame.
1. Slow down!
Take time to notice the little things that your love does every day. The things you love. Bring a rosy blush to her cheeks. Make him grin over an everyday job well-done. Noticing the little things in life with gratitude and devotion will lead to a BIG sense of love and joy.
2. Be present!
Listen deeply. Look intently. Touch intimately. These moments of full presence make up for hours of busy-with-life that happen in the flow of the day.
3. Touch more!
There’s always time for a deep kiss and a full hug on the way out the door, or even passing one another in the kitchen. If there’s not enough time for touch, it’s for sure time to examine your priorities.
4. Write Love Notes!
Write love notes and leave them everywhere. Stick them in purses, eyeglass cases, briefcases. Put them under or on pillows, in pockets, post them on your love’s profile page!
5. Leave Trinkets and Tokens!
Like love notes, everywhere is the right place to put trinkets and momentos. Whether a deeply significant momento, a little gift that reminds you of your love, or your love’s favorite treat, a little gesture goes a long way.
6. Tell Your Love What You Love!
Tell her you love it when she holds your hand. Tell him you love it when he kisses you in a street corner. Tell her you love it when she wears that. Tell him you love it “…right…THERE!” Tell her you love it when she touches you “…like…that!”
These little steps will lead right to a raise in temperature that’s bound to spike, with no drop in sight.
Gratigories, the game that inspires you to Get Grateful!
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(No link on this page will navigate you away from the page itself. All links will open in new windows.)
Gratigories! offers hours of fun that will help you and yours achieve a winning attitude; the attitude of gratitude!
Gratigories is a fun and easy way to introduce gratitude to your family and friends. You can play Gratigories with your kids, your parents, your friends. Even your colleagues and clients!
Gratigories comes with three sets of cards; basic, advanced, and adult. And, it can be played in three different ways. Gratigories is the game that gives you gratitude. Get Gratigories; get grateful!
INFO ABOUT YOUR GIFT:
This Gratitgories Mini Pack contains eight cards (one pdf page) of each level (basic, advance, and adult) of Gratigories! – a total of 24 cards.
With respect, a clear understanding of the rules, and a whole lotta love for the kids, ex-spouses are redefining family.
Some call it divorce; I call it the “Two-Family Solution.” Assuming your divorce was peaceful and you and your ex have basic respect for one another, there’s no reason not to revel in the benefits the Two-Family Solution can bring to you and your kids.
Benefit 1: You get a regularly scheduled, kid-free vacation!
How many of your mom and dad friends would kill for just one night off a week? Sometimes, heartless as it may sound, I find myself gloating when I reflect on the weekly Tuesday night dates my new hubby and I share. It’s a ritual for us.
Truly, our date night can be a lifesaver, even when it’s days away.
Don’t get me wrong—I miss my girls when they’re gone. But those moments when it’s just me and my man – or me and my thoughts – are of real benefit. This down-time, personal time, grown-up time, work time, r & r time, make-it-what-I-want-it-to-be time makes life better for all of us.
Benefit 2: You get to teach your kids that more than one set of rules may apply.
The world is a wide, wild, and varied place with sometimes complexly convoluted rules.
Ideally, you and your ex will have agreed on basic ground rules about school conduct, drugs, alcohol, and dating, and what discipline measures are within bounds. My ex and I had to institute a “reporting” clause because our younger child was playing sides, and we had to show her we were still the boss(es).
It’s not your right, though, to tell your ex that he can’t feed the kids meat just because you’ve gone vegan. (That’s the kids’ negotiation to undertake.)
Despite your areas of agreement or disagreement, never badmouth the other parent’s rules. Even more important; never make the other parent’s rules wrong – unless you want to fight it out with the ex, and we all know that’s never pretty! In other words, always take it to the ex, first.
Another incentive to keep rule-agreements and respect for your co-parent as even-keeled as possible; when there is stress or strife, one of the kids is sure to come to the other parent’s defense, and rebel against your rules in retaliation.
Benefit 3. Your kids get more of everything: parents, relatives, people saving money for their future, gifts on holidays, support, and love! (And, in the best-case scenario, so do you!)
I couldn’t afford a 2-week vacation to Maui at a five-star resort just after the ex and I split, but the kids got to go with their dad’s parents. It was perfect for them to be able to have such a memorable, relaxing vacation in the middle of what was an admittedly tough time. And although fewer of us are able to save for college these days, some extended family members are starting rainy-day funds for some very loved and very lucky kids.
In emergencies—financial or otherwise—it’s nice to know you’ve got a crew at hand to bail you and yours out.
The two-family solution can help minimize holiday struggles too. Through patience, dedication, and a basis of shared values, you and your ex may reach a point where you share family holidays. If you and your ex and your family get along, plus new spouses and their exes get along, and the new spouses’ families like the ex-spouses’ families and your family—that’s a lot of family! And a lot of love and support when you and the kids need it most.
This is the response of the post-divorce generation; as those of us who were raised in what were then called “broken homes” have grown, fallen in love, married had babies, divorced, and remarried, we have decided to make divorce less of a home-breaking, and more of a home-making. Two homes, but at heart, still one family.
As our children grow, marry, have children of their own, and perhaps divorce, we know we will continue the new tradition of inclusion. And slowly, generation by generation, family will just be family; however we choose to build or define it.
Give your loved ones sweetly creative, inexpensive gifts that will make them smile the whole year round! These easy to make, creative, do it yourself Valentine’s Day gifts can be given to your lover, your child, your mother, or anyone you’re grateful for.
For even more smiles, you can make one or more of theses gifts with a loved one for another loved one – spend an afternoon making a gratitude board for your spouse with your kids, or a Thanks Bank for your kid with your spouse!
Turning these projects into a shared experience makes the day – and the gifts – many times more sweet.
1. Thanks Bank
A Thanks Bank will remind your loved one that you’re thankful for them anytime they desire. You just fill the bank with thanks, and they can make a withdrawal anytime they want or need a reminder of how much you love them.
The basic design of this gift is super easy, though you can make it as ornate as you like.
Supplies:
* A decorative jar, a jewelry box, a decorated little cardboard box, a mason jar with stickers, cloth or tissue paper on it, or whatever you’d like to use as the bank.
* Paper.
* A writing implement.
Optional:
* Decoupage and images.
* Beddazlements.
* Pictures of you and your loved one
How To:
1. Create the container as you like. Sparkles, decoupage, pictures, ribbon, writing, or plain, elegantly sparse. Make it a gift your loved one will love showing off!
2. Take the paper and writing implement, and write as many thank you notes as you want. It can be anything from “I’m grateful for you!” to “I’m grateful when you…” For your kid that might be “…give me hugs.” For your lover, you might get super duper creative. The more full you make the container, the more impressive the present, so really go for it. You want a container that’s practically overflowing with thank you notes.
3. Write a love note, a poem, a THANK YOU, or all of the above – and directions; “This Thanks Bank will be here for you when you want a reminder of how thankful I am for all the things you bring to my life,” or however you might want to say it.
4. Fill the container with the notes, and voila, you’re done!
2. Gratitude Board
A Gratitude Board can be hung on a wall, placed on a nightstand, or put on a personal or family Gratitude Altar.
Supplies:
* Board – wooden, card stock, cardboard, plastic, whatever you like.
* Paste or decoupage.
* Tissue or construction paper.
* Images; pictures, postcards, photos, Valentine’s hearts, etc.
How To:
1. Paste the board with paper as desired. This will serve as a background.
2. Paste images on in an aesthetically pleasing way.
3. Gratitude Journal
With this item you can give the gift of gratitude twice! Create a Gratitude Journal for your loved one where he or she can record his or her gratitude practice. To inspire creative flow you can pepper your reminders that you’re grateful for your loved one, and the reasons why you are, throughout the book.
Supplies:
* Journal with blank or lined pages, depending on your loved one’s preference.
* Writing implement.
Optional:
* Decoupage and images.
* Beddazlements.
* Pictures of you and your loved one.
How To:
1. Write your gratitude for your loved one on random pages.
2. Decorate the journal as you like.
These simple, sweet, creative projects put YOU into the giving, and the gift! Of course, you can take these simple gifts and combine them with an orchestrated Valentine’s Day plan or any of the more traditional gifts, but keeping it simple, sweet, and fun may be just what’s desired.
Enjoy a memorable Valentine’s Day, and the sweet year that follows.
Sunday run with Beth! They say the trail is 6 miles rt, but it is FOR SURE more. Not only that, but pretty brutal up and down, too. We did it though!
Still rockin’ the minimal support shoes. We ran at the lake today (Lake Mendocino) instead of by the house, so no concrete anymore – thank god! But I forgot to eat, forgot my pre-run Red Bull (asthma treatment – SERIOUSLY!), forgot my pre-run glutamine. :-/ Uhh…hm. Forgetting to eat. I know, it’s a bad habit. Esp. bad before a run! Had to hit the inhaler three times. Last time I forget the Red Bull!
Took us right around 2 hours…one of the reasons I know it was more than 6 rt. I did 5 on Thursday in 1:20. It was flat, but the same pace as today. Mix of running and walking.
I’m exhausted, but happy. Had my post-run shake with all my vitamins and supplements (lysine, vit. c, chromium picolinate, glucasomine chondroitin, and glutamine), plus milk, fortified chocolate Ovaltine, banana, green food, and protein powder. Pretty good stuff.
Cross training last night: awesome ~hour of yoga. Runners Yoga first, then night-time yoga. Good combo – up energy, than down.
Gratigories is the game that inspires gratitude. Get Gratigories; get grateful!
DELUXE THREE DECK SET, and BASIC SINGLE SET now available!
Gratigories offers hours of fun that will help you and yours achieve a winning attitude; the attitude of gratitude! Gratigories is a fun and easy way to introduce gratitude to your family and friends. You can play Gratigories with your kids, your parents, your friends. Even your colleagues and clients!
Gratigories Deluxe comes with three sets of cards; basic, advanced, and adult.
Gratigories Basicis the basic set only, which is great to play with anyone ages toddler-ageless!
Both Deluxe and Basic can be played in three different ways.
All Gratitude Games, including Gratigories, are available as 100% GREEN. No packaging, no shipping and handling=zero waste! With the green option, a download link is sent upon purchase. (See below for more details on our commitment to sustainability.) With our 100% GREEN option, you WILL NOT receive a hard copy of the games, you wll receive solely PDFs to be printed at your discretion, and detailed instructions on how to print at home, or have the cards printed professionally.
Because we’re committed to sustainable and conscious consumerism, and because this option cuts OUR costs, we offer the 100% GREEN option at a substantially reduced price. (See below for more details on our commitment to sustainability.)
PRICES:
100% GREEN e-files: Gratigories Deluxe – three decks: $14.00 Gratigories Basic- one deck: $7.00
Printed and shipped, handling fees included: Gratigories Deluxe – three decks: $22.00 Gratigories Basic- one deck: $32.00
Get Gratigories; Get Grateful!
Contrary to Popular Sentiment, It IS Easy Being Green!
Gratitude Games are Green;
The crew who brings you Gratitude Games are grateful for a healthy global environment. And we want to do our part to safe-guard the ecosystem for future generations.
So Gratitude Games are green products. No shipping, no handling, no packaging = no waste! A download link is sent immediately upon purchase.
1. Visit download page – sent to you when you order.
2. Download files.
3. Print items or play from your computer.
Technical details of buying green: a high-speed internet connection all that’s required.
Go GREEN; it’s is as easy as 1, 2, 3!
ORDER PAGE:
http://wp.me/PKvm0-dc
deluxe 3 deck: green: 14.00
del. 3: shipped: 32.00
Give your loved ones gifts that will make them smile the whole year round! These easy to make, creative, do it yourself Valentine’s Day gifts can be given to your lover, your child, your mother, or anyone you’re grateful for.
For even more smiles, you can make one or more of theses gifts with a loved one for another loved one – spend an afternoon making a gratitude board for your spouse with your kids, or a Thanks Bank for your kid with your spouse!
Turning these projects into a shared experience makes the day – and the gifts – many times more sweet.
1. Thanks Bank
A Thanks Bank will remind your loved one that you’re thankful for them anytime they desire. You just fill the bank with thanks, and they can make a withdrawal anytime they want or need a reminder of how much you love them.
The basic design of this gift is super easy, though you can make it as ornate as you like.
Supplies:
* A decorative jar, a jewelry box, a decorated little cardboard box, a mason jar stickers on it, or whatever you’d like to use as the bank.
* Paper.
* A writing implement.
Optional:
* Decoupage and images.
* Beddazlements.
* Pictures of you and your loved one
How To:
1. Create the container as you like. Sparkles, decoupage, pictures, ribbon, writing, or plain, elegantly sparse. Make it a gift your loved one will love showing off!
2. Take the paper and writing implement, and write as many thank you notes as you want. It can be anything from “I’m grateful for you!” to “I’m grateful when you…” For your kid that might be “…give me hugs.” For your lover, you might get super duper creative. The more full you make the container, the more impressive the present, so really go for it. You want a container that’s practically overflowing with thank you notes.
3. Write a love note, a poem, a THANK YOU, or all of the above – and directions; “This Thanks Bank will be here for you when you want a reminder of how thankful I am for all the things you bring to my life,” or however you might want to say it.
4. Fill the container with the notes, and voila, you’re done!
2. Gratitude Board
A Gratitude Board can be hung on a wall, placed on a nightstand, or put on a personal or family Gratitude Altar.
Supplies:
* Board – wooden, card stock, cardboard, plastic, whatever you like.
* Paste or decoupage.
* Tissue or construction paper.
* Images; pictures, postcards, photos, Valentine’s hearts, etc.
How To:
1. Paste the board with paper as desired. This will serve as a background.
2. Paste images on in an aesthetically pleasing way.
3. Gratitude Journal
With this item you can give the gift of gratitude twice! Create a Gratitude Journal for your loved one where he or she can record his or her gratitude practice. To inspire creative flow you can pepper your reminders that you’re grateful for your loved one, and the reasons why you are, throughout the book.
Supplies:
* Journal with blank or lined pages, depending on your loved one’s preference.
* Writing implement.
Optional:
* Decoupage and images.
* Beddazlements.
* Pictures of you and your loved one.
How To:
1. Write your gratitude for your loved one on random pages.
2. Decorate the journal as you like.
These simple, sweet, creative projects put YOU into the giving, and the gift! Of course, you can take these simple gifts and combine them with an orchestrated Valentine’s Day plan or any of the more traditional gifts, but keeping it simple, sweet, and fun may be just what’s desired.
Enjoy a memorable Valentine’s Day, and the sweet year that follows.
A Gratitude Altar or Gratitude Shrine gives you and your loved ones a visible reminder of all there is to be grateful for. Creating this altar with family and/or friends can be an act that allows for bonding, as well as an opportunity to focus on the gratitude you all have for each other, and the gratitude you share for things in your life.
Allow the altar to grow and change over time, as new things to be grateful for come into your life.
How to Build Your Altar or Shrine:
1. Choose a common space (like the living room) for a shared altar, or a private one for a personal altar.
2. Begin with an altar cloth or a clear surface. Choose colors that make you feel good.
3. Add items that you’re grateful for, or that represent things you’re grateful for. Pictures, flowers, gifts from a loved one, money, whatever you like! You can also add a stack of papers, a pen, and a bowl to put written gratitude offerings into.
4. If desired, add 7-Day votive candles, available in most grocery stores, or your local botanica/Latino grocery store. If you like saint candles, or Jesus, or Mary, you can use those. If that’s not your thing, use candles in whatever colors make you happy.
This altar will not only serve as a reminder of what you’re grateful for already, but also a reminder to be grateful in times of challenge or struggle; a reminder to cultivate gratitude. Whenever you want to grow your gratitude, you can spend some time reflecting on your altar, or add items that will grow gratitude for you. If you like the candle idea, light the candles, sit or stand for a while, or just let the candles burn (while you’re at home only, of course, for safety’s sake), and meditate on the abundance of joy in your life.
Gratitude for Talib Kweli, my buddy Jamers and his pushing me on our run today, 5 MILES DOWN on a casual…, for a run on a the roads of my youth – a reminder of how miles were shorter whan I was young’un, even tho my legs were, too. The smell on my skin after an hour and 20 of running in fresh, living air. The beauty of the rocks covered with lush moss…
A preface for the ladies;
Feel like you want your guy to know a few things about you? Like maybe what you want, and how you feel? If those things aren’t covered in this article, I invite you to write your own note to the man you love, and tell him about your top ten desires, dreams, wants, needs, or fantasies. It may become the beginning of an amazing, deepening, or even super-hot conversation.
However, if this list rings true for you, please share it with your man. I hope it brings you both to a place of pleasure, and deeper understanding.
Hey guys, I know you sometimes feel mystified by what is expected of, or desired from, you.
And it’s not like I can clear all that up in a few simple words. Hell, we’ve been working on this one since the dawn of time, I’m pretty sure.
But I’m also pretty sure we’re starting to get somewhere with all this. Men and women have never before had quite the opportunity we have right now to build a whole new way of relating. A new way, based on some pretty old truths, mixed with some brand-spankin’-new ideas.
I may be a dreamer, but I say there’s a chance that we can get past the wounding that you and I have both endured, and grow into shared desire, honesty, truth, and trust.
Here are a few steps to start you on your journey down that sometimes challenging, yet always rewarding, path. Pretend I’m your lady, and I’m talking to you.
Ready? Here are ten secret desires that may change your life forever.
Secret Desire # 1: Focus, or Presence:
Get totally present. Allow this moment, right here, right now, to be the only thing happening in the whole of time and space. Let the world fall away around us, and let me be your whole world.
This state of grace will usually only last a moment, but that moment goes a long way towards filling a well that often gets low; the one you want to drink from! Take the time, and let’s let the levels rise together.
This focus is a great way to greet me when we haven’t seen each other all day. Or, before we part ways in the morning. Or, first thing upon waking. Or last thing before we fall asleep. Or, all of the above.
Secret Desire # 2: Noticing, or Paying Attention:
When you notice what I like, it makes me feel seen, and cared for. In or out of bed. When you notice that I’ve changed my hair, or that the pants I’m wearing look hot, or that I look like I could use a hug, it makes me feel proud, relieved, happy, grateful that I chose YOU.
When you notice how I like my coffee, and prepare it for me without even thinking twice, I feel worshipped.
When you figure out that I don’t like soft, repetitive strokes on the hand, but I love strong hugs from behind, it makes me feel understood. Big bonus points to you if I never have to whisper a word to you about it, and you figure it all out on your own; after all, that’s what noticing is about.
Take the time and attention to notice me. I’ll do the same for you, and let’s see what happens!
Secret Desire # 3: Showing me Gratitude:
When you show me that you’re thankful that I chose you, it makes my heart soar. When you tell me you’re grateful that you get to go to bed with me, and wake up next to me, i feel nourished.
When you tell me you’re proud to be seen with me, I feel claimed. And as transgressive as it might be for a “feminist” to say, I love it when you claim me.
When you tell me you’re grateful that I’m such a good mom to our kids, I feel touched, and relieved. When you show your gratitude by fully parenting them with me, I feel like I won the husband lottery!
Remember to say thank you for the small things; those everyday, tiny, repetitive things we do a million times without thinking about it. If I do the laundry, a thanks makes it less of a chore. And if you do the laundry, you know I’ll be thanking you.
Secret Desire # 4: Confidence:
Don’t second guess yourself. When I say I want you to take control, that’s what I mean.
And, don’t second guess me! When I tell you that I want you to make the choice, that’s really what I want. When you don’t believe me, I’m likely to get annoyed, especially on this touchy topic.
I know it’s a wound we’re working our way through as a culture. Ten years ago, women weren’t supposed to ask for help, and men weren’t supposed to offer it.
Well, the time they are a changing – again!
Even as a woman who can still handle it all – if I have to! – I want to be taken care of sometimes. Sometimes I want you to drive. And sometimes, I don’t want to have to say it at all. I just want you to step up, and take the wheel.
Secret Desire # 5: Vulnerability:
This is not the opposite of confidence, as some men assume. I see your willingness to be vulnerable with me as a huge statement of confidence. And, it makes me want to support you, take care of you. Not in some mommy/boy way, but in this, “oh, wow, he trusts me!” way.
Not only that, it makes me trust you. If you’re willing to get vulnerable with me, I’m going to be less guarded with you. And you never know to what fantastic places that could lead.
Trust that I can support you in those moments when you need to be held, listened to, or even just vent. Trust that I’ll still be here when you’re through it. And as you trust more, so will I.
Secret Desire # 6: Honesty and Transparency:
Scarier words are rarely spoken, right? But how are you going to get what you want, if you can’t, don’t, or won’t ask for it? Speaking our desires is the first step to getting them fulfilled.
And, when you speak your truth, you allow me to do the same. You never know…that fantasy you’ve been holding back on sharing might be just the one I’m dying to explore.
Let me tell you a secret; I like it dirty, and I like it rough. I also like it gentle, and loving, and sweet. If I trust you enough, there’s no edge that’s point-blank off-limits. Make it possible for me to trust you, and you’ll gain the golden key.
Your honesty is what cements my trust. Let’s build that foundation.
And, it would be less than honest of me to leave this part out; there’s another part of transparency that’s really important to me.
If I ask what you’re thinking, or feeling, or what’s wrong, please don’t say nothing, when it’s really something. I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy. If you don’t give me the low-down when something’s up, as you probably already know, I’m going to make up some kind of crazy story about what’s behind your silence.
Any story I make up is very likely to be much worse than whatever it is you’re not sharing with me.
Whatever the truth is, it’s better than confusion or paranoia. So man-up, and spit it out! This courageous act will save both of us a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. And it’ll save me a lot of hurt, wondering, and heart-ache.
And you know what’s awesome about this more challenging part of honesty? Once the air is cleared, we can get back to the yummy stuff, which is where both of us really want to be anyway. Right?
Secret Desire # 7: Face Fear Head-On:
Always be willing to face any fears that come up, whether they’re mine, or yours. And always be willing to go deeper with me, and work through that fear. Maybe not all at once, but over time.
In bed or out, we all have fears that arise around letting each other in, trusting, independence versus intimacy, personal power versus shared experience.
When you get scared, remember; I get scared, too. One thing you can be sure about is that getting scared is common ground – we’ve all been there!
Bring it to me, and I promise to do my best not to hurt you, make you wrong, or close you down in your fear. Open to me, and I’ll open to you.
Secret Desire # 8: Responsiveness:
In bed or out, paying attention becomes a worthwhile practice when you learn to respond appropriately to the information you gather.
That doesn’t mean doing what you think is supposed to come next. It means actually paying attention AS you respond, and honing your response to meet my desire. Sounds complicated, but it gets easier when you get present in the moment!
There’s no playbook for life, or for our interactions. No step 1, step 2, step 3 mentality is going to work in every situation. Instead, learn to read me. And then do whatever comes naturally.
Secret Desire # 9: Sharing Responsibilities:
In sex, that means doing your part regarding safety, birth control, and shared pleasure.
In life it means parenting with me, house keeping with me, making decisions with me; not around, or to, me. It means making goals and building dreams with me.
Sharing responsibility sometimes means taking control of the situation. Sometimes it means allowing me to. And often, it means coming together and working it out, in a way that makes sense to both of us.
And, The Big Secret Desire # 10! Be Willing to Cultivate and Invest in Love Through It All:
When my ex-husband and I separated a few years ago, I loved my way through it. it wasn’t always easy, but now that I know I can do that, I know I can love through anything.
Even when I’m angry at you, I can find the love I have for you within and around the anger. Even when I’m hurt, scared, and tired of the b.s., I can still find, connect with, and foster that love.
And if I can’t, something might really be wrong!
Practice may not make this one perfect, but it gets you there. Loving through the annoyance, anger, frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response.
Remember; I’m loving you. Love me, too. If we can pull that off, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to make this thing work!
LasáraAllen is the progenitor of the #gratitude hashtag meme, and the nexus of Twitter #GRATITUDE Gatherings.
Lasára is an author, educator, and advocate. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Lasára’s Gratitude Games have been featured in media across the nation.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life.
* Ginger Roels is a very proud mommy of two incredible boys. She loves to live life to the fullest. She loves to love people. She works at Parkcrest doing different things, she’s the front desk girl at Heartwell Campus, the director of children’s ministry at Lakewood campus, the copy repair girl, the phone set up girl, the do what needs to be done girl. AND, because she’s so immanently qualified, she’s LaSara’s Gift and Prize girl! (Maybe now LaSara won’t be api’d out of the #GRATITUDE Gatherings!) http://gingerroels.wordpress.com/ is her website, and she’s @RockinMomma on Twitter.
Christina-Marie “The Gonzo Mama” Wright counts her blessings – and her children – every day. (Blessings = Many; Children = Seven, at last count!) Christina-Marie is the author of The Gonzo Mama newspaper column and the publisher of Gonzo Parenting zine. Her work has been featured in Hip Mama magazine, Mamaphiles collaborative zine, and numerous places online. Join her at TheGonzoMama.com for “Bad Gratitude Mondays” and share your gratitude!
Karen Lean is a Kripalu Yoga Teacher, artist, and freelance web/graphic designer. She also holds a degree in Cultural Anthropology and Communications Studies. Karen came upon yoga ten years ago and found the practice has helped her so much with depression, anxiety and sensory integration. Yoga also provided a container for the deep spiritual longing she had always felt. In cultivating gratitude as a practice, she regularly experiences just how much space opens up for joy and truth and peace. You can find her on Twitter @presentjoyoga or visit presentjoy.ca.
Deanna Collins is the founder of the Gratitude Collection and the Gratitude Circle, is a dynamic creative, inspired to share the arts. Deanna has seen how a heart full of Gratitude invites life that radiates new richness and beauty. Her creative background blended with her belief in the power of Gratitude has led her to create a beautifuland symbolic line of inspirational products. @GratitudeCircle on Twitter.
Often my anti-consumerist, smaller footprint, “live simply” self, and my “the kids deserve the joy that materialism so easily delivers”, acquisitive, affluenza-suffering self war with each other.
Especially during birthdays, and holidays. During these special days I, like every other conscious consumer, enter the battlefield of who to buy for, what to buy, and why? And, most importantly, HOW?
For your consideration, some guidelines I came up with for my own conscious and compassionate consumerism:
1.Remember that every dollar is a vote. When you spend, you are voting for the survival of one “contender” over another. You’re contributing to the policies, and politics, of the corporation you buy from. Choose accordingly.
2. Locally owned companies need your support to stay afloat. So, keep chain store gift buying to a bare-minimum. If you’re going to spend your “hard-earned” cash, spend it where it helps the most.
3.Gift with products and services you believe in. Organic cotton socks may be out of your price range ($50 for five pairs? Yikes!), but, see # 4.
4. Buy products and services produced and offered by people you know. You probably know a lot of really great folks, doing really great things. Artists and artisans, musicians, writers, massage therapists and body workers, hairstylists and aestheticians, fix-it guys and gals, coaches, carpenters, tarot readers, florists.
Instead of an item that may or may not go to waste, why not purchase a gift certificate for a massage, a dollar amount at a local store, a commissioned piece of art from an artist friend, or a glorious spa day? Look at it this way; not many of these are things most of us would buy for ourselves right now. Not with the economy being so bad. So why not feed the “giftees” heart with some gentle R and R, a feast for the soul, or the gift of beauty?
This doesn’t need to be a big expenditure, either. Get a gift certificate for lunch at the locally owned taquería. You’re out ten bux, and your friend is in for a great lunch!
Keep in mind that when you buy from friends, you gift twice. You support your friend in her or his commitment to “right livelihood”, and you give a quality, personal gift to the recipient.
5. Attempt to fully and presently give the gift of yourself. Relax into the experience of it, stay present in the joy of times shared with loved ones. Light candles to welcome the return of the Sun.
6. Become conscious of your judgments, and let them go. This is a very personal suggestion that you may relate to; one of my biggest challenges to staying present in gifting is my judgments about consumerism, and the wastefulness that especially the bigger holidays bring; light displays, wrapping paper, extra driving, extra buying, extra spending. And with the more minor holiday being amped, this complaint no longer belongs just the Christmas time.
My voice of judgment rings out in response to my own holiday habits – which at times veer into excess, over-extension, stress. It can be overwhelming to stay conscious in the midst of it. So, I try to relax my judgment towards myself and others. Judgment is not compassion.
7. Meditate on the longing, the need, the hunger that the shadow-side of WANT inspires, and allow it to pass. Again, and again, and again. Feel it, and let it go. Recognize it in your own desires to care for, and to be cared for, and find acceptance and love for the hungry parts of you. Notice it in others, and generate compassionate understanding.
Those are my steps to compassionate consumerism. What are yours?
Just as with any face of compassion, conscious, compassionate consumerism is a practice. It’s a practice I undertake for my own benefit, and the benefit of all sentient beings.
GOOD news; ran just OVER 6 miles (if the signs were accurate…)…
BAD news; I ran the OVER part because someone stole my bag I’d placed, slightly hidden by the trail. I didnt think anyone was crazy enough to be out there today besides me!
GOOD news: I left the keys in the car, not in the bag. (God told me to is the only answer I have for why.)
BAD news: my iPod was in the bag because it was messing up. Bye bye, iPod!.
GOOD news: The run was lovely, and the sound of creeks, birds andother animals were amazing.
iPod was in the bag because it was messing up. Bye bye, iPod! I hope whoever got my bag really NEEDED the lip stuff, gatorade, and the iPod more than I did.
GOOD news: The run was lovely, and the sound of creeks, birds and other animals were amazing. More like creek running than trail running, BTW, but FAR better than concrete anyway. Yay!
P.S. Saw one of the biggest foxes I’ve ever seen.
P.P.S. Anyone have an iPod they want to hand off to me?
by Robert Allen
Sometimes arguments just happen. And in those moments, anger can flare.
Voices are raised. Postures are struck. Positions are held.
Of course this never solves anything.
Men have a tendency to strike threatening postures and assume hostile stances when sparked to anger. It’s fight or flight in it’s most aggressive form, projected outward, to the one you love.
And this lacks respect.
Or, men close down, finding anger and the accompanying emotions too overwhelming.
And sometimes, men just want to be right, at any cost.
To avoid falling into argument, the answer is clear communication and assertiveness. Psychologists Harry Mills and Mark Dombeck say that to be assertive is to communicate respect for yourself and for whom you are communicating with at the same time.
You’ll become more honest in your interactions by using assertiveness skills (as opposed to aggression). It takes practice, but in time healthy assertion can become your natural response.
When your temper flairs during an argument, here’s a list of a few do’s and don’t’s to get you through disagreements with your mate:
DO Breathe Deeply
It’s the old standard, breathe in and out slowly with full breaths until your mind calms. In moments of high emotion, oxygen to the brain is your friend. If you don’t believe it, try it.
DO Think Clearly
Now that you’ve calmed yourself, stop and use your head: Why am I angry? Why do I feel out of control? Do I really want to hurt my mate or dismiss her feelings? What’s my part in this disagreement?
Stay relaxed and allow clarity.
DO Act Appropriately
Now it’s time to problem solve, regroup, reframe, allay the anger, and work toward agreement. Let the outcome be positive understanding, not resentment.
DON’T Close Down
Don’t do that guy thing and get cold, walk away, or otherwise end the argument passively. Stay engaged, and be part of the problem solving.
DON’T Act Aggressively
Aggressive posturing and raising your voice is threatening and disrespectful. All you’ll earn is distrust, not agreement. Don’t do it.
DON’T Accuse
Don’t name call, don’t blame, don’t insult. Use sentences that begin with “I”, not “you.” Gain clarity before negative emotions make you say things you’ll regret.
Using the skills above, arguments can be cooled. And possibly avoided.
And that’s good for you both.
About the Author:
Robert Allen is a writer, daddy to two amazing girls, and husband to his devoted wife, Lasára.
As conscious parents working to create a better world, we know that the work – and joy – of it begins at home. Here are seven steps that offer you a foundation for clear and healthy communication with your most precious focus; your children.
1. Honor your kid’s questions with answers.
If your child is mature enough to formulate a question on a given topic, she is mature enough to get an honest answer from you. That answer should always be age appropriate, and within your comfort zone.
Sometimes an honest answer is “I don’t know,” or “That’s not a question I’m ready to answer.” If either of those are the case, follow up appropriately.
If you don’t know, you can always make it a research project for you and your kid to engage in together.
If you don’t feel comfortable answering a question because it gets into territory you feel conflicted about, own your boundary around it (see step 4), and let your child know when you would be willing to revisit the topic – whether it’s in a couple of days, or when your kid is in the fifth grade, or when you’ve sorted your stuff out. Always be responsible and proactive with the follow-up.
Bonus idea: Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for directions on creating a “Question Box.”
2. Own your feelings.
Don’t make your discomfort your kid’s “fault.” If the question he has asked makes your hair stand on end and your face flush, know that your embarrassment, your discomfort, or your anger.
A danger inherent in parent-child communication is that your kid will take on your shame, your discomfort, or your unease. Or, in cases where a kid is a “mismatcher”, they may act out in opposition to your stance. If you don’t want your kids blindly falling into – or acting out in response to – your wounding, patterning, imprinting or behaviors, own your internal conflicts.
3. What isn’t said speaks more loudly than what IS.
Ignore it and it’ll go away? Not a chance. But sooner or later, your kid(s) will – especially if you’re unable to answer the questions brought to you. Sex, drugs, money; they’re all topics that may have been avoided in your family of origin. But do you want your kids getting answers from the same unreliable sources you did? (On the schoolyard, TV, your parents, the government?)
The conspicuous silences in your communication are an OUT LOUD statement – about what’s inappropriate, shameful, unmentionable. If you want your kids getting different messages than what you were handed, make sure you’re giving voice to your opinions.
Normalize the topics that make you want to freeze up. Talk with your friends, talk with your trusted advisors (your coach, your priest, your therapist, your doctor), talk with your parents, talk with your peers. Know that there’s a whole world of information out there. If you feel conflicted about your own ideas, educate yourself about different views.
If money was a hidden topic in your family and you feel that hasn’t served you in your quest for financial literacy, give your kids a head start by bringing them into alignment with your financial values.
If you want your kids to know that sex is a good thing to have clarity about, model it by having values-based conversations with your kids about how to define their own sexual values.
With your nonjudgmental guidance and conscientious modeling, this process can begin consciously before your kids are even bringing direct question to you for answers.
Bonus Idea: Use my Sexual Ethics questionnaire for a tool that will help you find a starting place for these discussions. Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for your free copy.
4. Own your boundaries.
We all need appropriate boundaries. Modeling boundaries is, in my opinion, one of the most resourceful gifts you can offer your kids. One of the best way to offer boundary awareness to your kids is to model healthy boundaries in your interactions with them.
This means that you have not only the right, but the responsibility to say “stop!” when your wee one is hurting you, to close the door when you need a minute to yourself, to go for a run on a daily basis – no matter how needy others might be feeling.
Your healthy boundary also makes a clear distinction, and allows you to own your limitations or discomfort. In the course of a conversation or other interaction with your kids, you are bound to occasionally come up against the edges of your comfort zone. In these moments, it creates clarity to own your boundary, and make it clear that any discomfort you feel is due to your own process, and not something that your young-one is doing wrong.
5. Respect your child’s boundaries.
Healthy boundaries go both ways. Another element of boundary in parenting that is all-too-often overlooked is this one; if you want your kids to know that their boundaries are to be respected, you must respect your kid’s “no.”
This can be tricky, but it must be worked out.
For example, sharing is a great value to instill. However, I know how I’d feel if someone came into my office and said “You aren’t using your cell phone right now. Let Joe use it.” My response would be along the lines of “Well, I don’t lend out my cell phone, but Joe is welcome to use the house phone.”
Yet, often parents will enforce sharing to such a degree that it can erode a kid’s sense of control. Negotiate with your young-one. Create agreed-upon rules about sharing, such as designating certain items as “special” ones that they will never be asked to share.
With touch-related boundaries, it may be the most important to respect our kid’s voice. If little Aaron doesn’t like being grabbed and kissed by Aunt Joan, or tickled by his cousins, help him to voice his boundary.
Helping to set a boundary with Aunt Joan may be an uncomfortable moment, but everyone is sure to learn something in it, and Aaron is going to know that he never has to be touched in a way that’s not comfortable for him in order to make someone else feel better.
If we want our kids to have the power of knowing that boundaries are to be respected, we need to both model firm boundaries for ourselves and our kids, and respect our children when they place a boundary that is reasonable.
Kids listen better when they feel safe. (We all do.) They also communicate better when they know you aren’t mad at them. (We all do.) Creating consensual, appropriate, loving connection through physical touch can help both parties stay present in an interaction.
There are many different modes for communication. Different types and levels of physical engagement are appropriate to different settings.
If your child enjoys horsing around, sometimes breaking the tension with a little tickling, wrestling or clowning around is totally appropriate. Or, sometimes massaging your kid’s neck while you chat might be just the right thing.
If your little one is feeling sad, ask if he wants a hug. If your child is feeling tender or vulnerable, it can be great to offer to just hold your kid while he cries. If that’s too much, or not desired, you can offer your hand for holding.
Most importantly, pay attention to your child’s physiological responses, and respond accordingly. If your kid prefers sitting side-to-side instead of face-to-face, talk while sitting on the couch.
One of my daughters loves to have sit-down meetings with her parents. She’s the younger kid, and loves all the attention being on her for the time that we give it. My older daughter, on the other hand, prefers a casual chat while in the car, out on a walk, or her favorite – while shopping.
The point is, every kid is different, with different needs, comfort levels, and desires regarding touch, embodiment and process. Pay attention to what makes your kid more comfortable, and communication will get easier.
Another way to stay embodied is to remember to breathe. If things get stressful, consciously choose to relax your body. Breath into the moment, and you will be more likely to respond the moment that is occurring, rather than reacting to how your dad responded when you brought up the same issue, and you were in the seat that your son is in.
There are two benefits to this practice; the first is that you will be more relaxed, which is a positive thing in and of itself. The second is that your child’s body will respond to your relaxation by matching it.
Whiling remaining conscious and respectful of boundary, connect with your kids on a physical level while you communicate with them. And, stay engaged with your own physiological center.
7. The model is the message.
“Do what I say, not what I do,” doesn’t work. Your kids believe you. They watch you. They look up to you. They learn from you. And, actions speak so much louder than words.
When my clients say demoralizing things about themselves, my standard response is “How would you feel if your kid did (or said, felt or thought) that? Because, she’s going to.” Your kids will, consciously or unconsciously, emulate your modeling.
In this way, self-care is taking care of your children. Your ability to take care of yourself is one of the best foundational messages you can offer your kids. If you don’t want your kids to smoke, quit smoking. If you are having a hard time quitting, talk with your kids about it.
When you make a commitment to shifting a pattern of your own behavior, you can also enroll your kid’s support. This is another opportunity to model resilient skills for your kids. Ask for the help and support you need. Explain why shifting the pattern is hard for you. Use it as an opportunity to educate your kids on good choice-making, using yourself as an example.
Transparency and integrity are areas that you may also choose to model. “I only smoke when I’m away from my kids,” may seem like a good way to limit the damage, but how would you feel if your kid said “Well, I only smoke when I’m away from you.”
When you tell your kids not to get in the car with anyone who’s drinking, and then drive them home from a party after you’ve had a beer, you’re sending a mixed message. It’s confusing, and builds in not only the space for justification in the particular (well, Jo isn’t drunk, so I guess it’s okay to get a ride with her…), but also the room for justification in other areas.
Do you obfuscate? Do you outright lie to your kids? If so, you are ultimately undermining your own authority. How do you think your kids will feel when they find out that you did inhale? If you lie to your kids, or if your behaviors and your words don’t match up, you are giving your kids a template for behaving in the same way. If you value transparency and honesty, model it.
Are you being a resourceful and integrated model for your kids? Here’s a good guideline; ask yourself, ‘If my kid were engaging in the behavior I’m engaging in, how would I feel about it?”
Bonus idea: Create a family charter of agreements.
Sustainable Family Values – How Values Grow.
You are always modeling your values. The tricky part is that we often have two sets of values – idealized values (the values we like to think we have) and applied values (the values we actually live by). If what you think you believe, and how you act in your day to day don’t match up, you’re out of alignment with your ideal values.
You can shift your values into alignment by changing your behaviors to match up with your beliefs. The steps I have offered in this article offer a great starting point for the work of coming into alignment.
The more consciously you engage with living your values, the more aligned your modeling will be with your ideal life. This is a true win/win situation; as you model the behavior that you would most want to see your children emulate, you begin living the best possible version of your life.
Bonus Idea: Define your family’s shared values.
About the Author:
Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life.
(Please feel free share this article, in its entirety. Leave all links active. Quoting is welcome, and should be performed in accordance with basic MLA quoting guidelines.)
First, I have to say that I love Lillian. I mean, I really have a lot of love for her. She’s the sweetest, most gentle-touch, fully real, honest transparent aesthetician I’ve ever had the pleasure of sharing time with. She’s responsive to my needs and desires, generous with her time, and honest. She’s also very skilled at her trade. Lillian is careful, clean, and fast. You can’t lose with that combination!
I can only imagine that the rest of her crew are just as good at what they do. I speak from my own experience when I say that they’re all friendly, sweet, down-to-earth, and very real.
The prices at Lillian’s are more than reasonable, especially for the basics; eyelash tint is $15, as is brow shaping. Lillian charged me $40 for a full facial wax (arches, lip, chin, and jaw line) AND eyelash tint. AND, she threw in a simple facial — all because it was my birthday! Yes, I tipped! And as you can see, Lillian tips back – to her loyal customers.
It’s a joy to get work done and pass the time at Lillian’s. Give yourself a TREAT and book your appointment today. Tell them Lasára sent you!
Topics: parenting, relationships, family, advice, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, gratitude, compassion, and spiritual practice, gratitude games, gratitude journal, science of gratitude, health benefits of gratitude, family, parenting, communication, compassion, spirituality, health, wholism, sustainability, positive globalism, giving, health and fitness, running, fitness, exercise, yoga, Pilates. Nonfiction, self-help, how-to, advice.
Thank you for visiting my site! I look forward to interacting with you. Share at The Gratitude Journal. Comment on posts. Check out the articles. Read, comment, reprint, enjoy!
Use any of these articles as copy for your blog, website, newsletter or e-zine. Let me know about the reprint by sending a note to Ms.Allen @ LasaraAllen .com. If I find your site compatible with mine, I’ll give you a backlink on our blogroll. Please include all links and Lasára’a bio (below) in all reprints.
You’re always welcome to contact me with thoughts, requests for info, invitations to present at e-conferences, teleseminars, seminars, for speaking engagements, or other reasons I may not have thought of! Please drop me a note at: Ms.Allen @ LasaraAllen .com.
Bio:
Lasara Allen is an author, educator, advocate, coach, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Lasara’s first book, the bestselling Sexy Witch (nonfiction, Llewellyn Worldwide) was published in 2005 under the name LaSara FireFox.
Lasara’s writing covers a range of topics including parenting, relationships, family, communication, advice, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, gratitude, compassion, and spiritual practice. She is a columnist at Elephant Journal and Identity Magazine, a regular contributor at EnlightenedMindJournal and singledad.com, and has been published at eHow.com and eZineArticles.com and much more. Her work has been featured extensively in print.
Over the years. Lasara has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008.
Lasara is a mom to two amazing daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more at www.LasaraAllen.com.
Yoga Mama Satsangha
Some topics: The Quiet Revolution – Beyond Sharing the Housework * The Importance of Daily Practice Yoga Mama Satsangha; When Values Clash… * LaSara interviews Anna Getty of the illustrious Getty Family, and founder of Pure Style Living and Pregnancy Awareness Month (PAM). * and more.
Wisdom Being in Work
Wisdom Being in Work, LaSara interviews Ariel Gore, prolific author and founder and former editor of Hip Mama Magazine. * LaSara interviews Christine Comaford-Lynch.
Winner:
Hot Mommas Project – mentoring for women and girls; international case study competition, 2008 – 2009
Nominations:
Shorty Award, #literary category, 2010 S
horty Award, #gratitude category, 2009
Persevering Business Woman of the Year, 2009
California Outstanding Women of the Year, 2009
Neuro-Linguistic Programing Affiliations:
Pure NLP/Society of NLP with Richard Bandler; NLP Trainer Training
Hawkridge Training Institute with Phil Farber; NLP Master Practitioner Training
NLP California with Tim Halbom; NLP Practioner Training
Combat the waste of shipping; each mile a product travels to get to shop, or to your house, or a shop then your house, leaves a carbon footprint.
Eliminate the packaging required for shipment. The overnight shipping industry alone uses over a billion envelopes and packages a year. (See below the text box for more details.)
You can print the items as green as you like – if your home or home office is fully green, than so is your product! If you have a paper/printer-free office, you can have them printed by a local green printer, or the nearest superstore. Your choice!
Reduces manufacturing cost, saving you – and us – money.
Reduces manufacturing waste; when lots are manufactured, there are pieces that may or may not sell, and all the packaging that goes along with each piece. With downloads, only what you need to print is printed, so there’s no unnecessary waste.
See below for our other green business policies, and ways that you, too, can reduce your carbon footprint.
Contrary to Popular Sentiment, it IS Easy being Green!
Gratitude Games are Green!
The crew who brings you Gratitude Games are grateful for a healthy global environment. And we want to do our part to safe-guard the ecosystem for future generations.
So Gratitude Games are green products. No shipping, no handling, no packaging = no waste! A download link is sent immediately upon purchase.
Go GREEN; it’s is as easy as 1, 2, 3!
1. Visit download page – sent to you when you order.
2. Download files.
3. Print items or play from your computer.
The technical details of buying GRATITUDE GAMES green: a high-speed internet connection all that’s required.
If U.S. businesses cut office paper use by only 10%, it would prevent the emission of 1.6 million tons of greenhouse gases (the equivalent of taking 280,000 cars off the road).
If you aren’t ready to go paper-free, recycle! Recycling 1 ton of paper saves:
17 mature trees.
7 thousand gallons of water.
3 cubic yards of landfill space.
2 barrels of oil (84 US gallons).
4,100 kilowatt-hours (15 GJ) of electricity; enough energy to power the average American home for five months. (Citation: wikipedia)
Printer- and Fax-Free Office.
No e-waste; printers and faxes, in addition to computers, create electronic waste. (See links below for more about the e-waste problem.)
No ink cartridge waste.
Energy Use Reduction:
We use very little heat – in the winter time we move most of our operations into a family space that’s already warmed, to reduce heating use.
Turn off lights when not in use.
Turn off all appliances not in use.
We Sell Primarily Green Products
Gratitude Games, our primary product is download only – zero-waste product; no shipping waste, no manufacturing waste.
We are moving towards e-books, and away from any print materials.
We choose primarily green and eco-conscious partners to work with, and as often as possible use ecologically sound third-party companies to create our products.
1. Because it’s fun to help create a Twitterwave of Gratitude, and share the love.
2. It increases your visibility on Twitter, and expands your network in the nicest way – you get a whole lot of new friends who are #gratitude enthusiasts.
3. It is a way of offering service to the awakening of the compassionate heart.
What Are Your Responsibilities as a Co-Host?
Hosting responsibilities fall into two categories:
1. Leading up to #GRATITUDE, help CREATE BUZZ! Tweet and RT about #GRATITUDE like crazy! I always have a template tweet up on my profile if it’s coming up. It will read something like:
“Share #GRATITUDE! Gathering – Second Sunday, (Month, Day). For more info, @Yoga_Mama, or http://cli.gs/ybmTP. (PLS RT!)”
Send DMs to your friends, especially the very connected ones, and ask them to RT, too.
2. At the event itself, participate, and enjoy! You may want to come up with some gratitude quotes, or gratitude inspiring questions, to toss into the conversation. Share your own gratitudes. Comment on the sharings of other guests. Give support, give love, give thanks!
Want to be a guest host? E-mail us: msallen @ lasaraallen .com!
Lasára’s Assistants:
Currently, my assistants are: @RockinMomma and @YourImpact
1. Leading up to the event, just like hosts, assistants build the buzz. They also help gather donations of prizes and send the info to me, and send out tweet about the prizes as well.
2. During the event, assistants let people know what prizes are, and what participants need to do in order to get prizes, For example:
* If it’s a kid-related prize, that might be: The fifth person to @yoga_mama an answer to the question – what r u most grateful about in a kid u love?
* If it’s a piece of clothing, it might be “The 17th person to @yoga_mama what they are grateful for about their body.”
* The questions can also be totally unrelated to the prize, like a secret gratitude you’re ready to share.
* All questions must have a # as winner (5th, 17th, 8th, etc.)
* All answers must @yoga_mama, or I can keep track – so no @yoga_mama, and the answer doesn’t count.
3. Assistants keep track of who won, and ask them to @Yoga_Mama for details to redeem prizes.
4. Assistants remind guests of how to win the prizes, announce when a new one is coming up, and what it is, and keep the gift ball rolling smoothly.
Want to assist LaSara for an upcoming #GRATITUDE Gathering? E-mail us: msallen @ lasaraallen .com!
Spend your Sunday afternoon with a group of like minded gratitude enthusiasts, and help create a Twitterwave of gratitude with us.
If you aren’t yet aware of what some seriously engaged and playful gratitude can bring, what better time, or way, to find out?
Why?
Click HERE for The Science of Gratitude – an article that makes sense of gratitude practice.
* Gratitude is good for you! More and more scientific study is going into the research of gratitude, and why and how the regular practice of it increases the quality of our lives. But we know it has positive effects on the physical, mental, and emotional levels.
* It’s great way to connect with other gratitude-inspired, positive Twitizens.
* It’s uplifting! Recognizing what we have to be grateful for, and witnessing others in the same recognition is an often awe-inspiring experience.
Join us!
How To:
* Be available at 4:30 PM Pacific (calculate for your timezone!)
* Go TweetGrid #GRATITUDE chat room.
* Be ready to share sweet, wise, wonderful words about the things you’re grateful for in your life!
At the February 2009 Inaugural #GRATITUDE Gathering, we spent over an hour of lovely, enlivening, enlightening gratitude. Every month since has been just as inspiring.
There are often gratitude, peace, ecology, and family oriented gifts and prizes offered at #GRATITUDE, and always equally, or even more wonderful, offerings of truth and joy about the things most important in life.
(If you have a gift you’d like to offer to be given away during #GRATITUDE, drop us a note! gratitude @ lasaraallen . com.)
We always have gratitude-inspiring co-hosts on board to keep the party rolling. (If you want to be a guest co-host for an upcoming #GRATITUDE Gathering, you should ALSO get in touch.)
See you on Twitter, second Sunday of the month!
peace, and gratitude!
-Lasára ( and the rest of the #GRATITUDE co-hosts!)
Twitter #GRATITUDE Gatherings are sponsored by Lasára Allen, Gratitude Games, & The Gratitude Place.
Okay, I admit it; we bipolar folks can be a real handful. If you have close friends who live with bipolar disorder (BD), you’ve probably had a couple – or more – not-so-easy interactions with them/us.
This is my invitation to walk a mile in their/my shoes.
But before we go further, terms; I choose to say, “live with”, instead of “suffer” bipolar disorder. I would much rather live with than suffer pretty much anything.
And, though I do live with this disorder, I’m not reveling in it. I’m living with it. You won’t hear me saying “other abled” about BD, except jokingly. Bipolar disorder is a disability. One you live with.
Thus the title of my little article.
Kinda like:
“I’m sure that time when I disappeared in my car for a month without telling you where I was going was rough on you.
It was rough on me, too.”
When I was younger, the way I dealt with my symptoms was just that – to get in my truck and drive away until I could deal with my life again. When I pulled a “disappearing act,” as my mom would call it, no one had to see the weak, dark, tormented, vulnerable side of the hard-core, shaved headed, feminist that I was.
Especially when I was severely depressed, it was far easier to wander off like a wounded animal does, and care for myself. Lick my gashes – always at risk of gnawing off the offending limb.
At times I crawled under the covers, at times into a bottle, at times into bed with unseemly strangers, at times I drifted into and out of towns I had never been to and would never again see. A ghost in a substantial world; it made it easier – no story to stick to, no one to let down, absolute freedom to be where, and who, I was in that moment.
It may sound romantic. Until you think about the whole picture. Which is where a lot of people get stuck with understanding BD. You see me as outgoing, charismatic, strong, and edge-seeking. Or you see me as a loose cannon. Or you see me as overly sensitive. The truth is, just like you, I’m multifaceted. But with BD, many of those facets can become larger than life.
If I were to become “apologist” for BD, or if I were manic, this is where I would say; “It’s part of being me. I feel more. I see more. I do more. I taste more. My life IS larger than yours. You have no idea!”
That grandiosity is what we give up when we go on meds or find other ways to truly stabilized BD.
You know what else we give up? Never asking for help. We have to give that one up, too.
Parenting With Bipolar Disorder
When I had kids, the disappearing-act approach to my dealing with my disorder became both less inviting, and immeasurably less accessible.
At times, parenting is a challenge for anyone. Parenting with bipolar disorder is a horse of a different color. For many of us who live with bipolar disorder, even after receiving an accurate diagnosis it takes a while to learn what it means to manage the disorder. After all, BD by definition tends toward feeling (and often acting) out of control.
Becoming a parent requires getting a whole new perspective and handle on the disorder – whether diagnosed or not. This is where you come in.
How to Support Your Friends Who Live With Bipolar Disorder
A big turning point comes when we begin figuring out how BD shows up in each of us who lives with the disorder. It’s not a uniform experience person-to-person, and sometimes there are other circumstances thrown into the mix. And it is introspection and self-awareness that allow those of us who live with BD to ask for what we need.
Let’s do a role-play. Imagine I’m your bipolar friend, talking to you right now.
Here’s how to support me:
Educate yourself about bipolar disorder.
Read up on BD, because sometimes I get tired of trying to explain the disorder.
This is especially so when I’m symptomatic. When I’ve already called you a b*tch for trying to get me out of bed after five days, I’m not going to be able to tell you how to deal with my mood swings.
Ask me about how I experience BD.
If I’ve been open about my diagnosis with you, chances are I’m more than willing to talk to you about it.
It DOES NOT mean I’ve invited armchair analysis, or unsolicited problem solving.
Show me I can trust you. Show me you trust me.
Supporting me requires mutual trust, and agreements on appropriate feedback. Choosing the right word at the right time can make all the difference.
For instance, if I’m feeling paranoid and you yell, “You’re paranoid!” let’s just say it doesn’t help.
However, when you say, “I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. I’m never going to hurt you,” it reminds me that I’m taken care of, and my paranoia begins to subside.
And, if both you and I experience mood disorders, those agreements are even more necessary.
Ask me what you can do.
Sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I need a walking buddy. Sometimes I need some tough love. Sometimes I need tenderness. Ask me what I need.
If I have enough self-awareness at that moment, I’ll even be able to tell you what it is! But…
Don’t let me bulls#!t you.
If you’re a really good friend, sometimes you WILL know better than I do what’s good for me.
Ask me how I deal, and how I heal.
Once you know what my main coping methods are, you can support me in the ones that help me attain what stability is possible. You can help me to find my ground, and still safely encourage me to stand tall.
Sometimes it’s the everyday things that matter most. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower or bath, going for a walk. Unless you yourself have experienced depression, you probably have no idea how hard it can be to commit to carrying out these minor tasks. When it gets really bad, this can extend to eating, hanging out with my kids, getting out of bed.
The truth is, these are exactly the things that will keep me healthy, happy, alive. Eating well, exercising, interacting in healthy relationships, completion of basic daily tasks.
Get me out of bed, and – no exaggeration – you just may have saved my life.
While Peggy McColl’s The Won Thing may sound like a “Rah rah!” guide to the entrepreneurial pursuit, like many of the books on the entrepreneurial life, this is a much more comprehensive guide to finding, creating and living the life you want - the whole life.
Peggy talks about her confusion about relationships in a real way – it was the ’70s when Peggy was a young single mom struggling with how to survive, how to support herself, and still in some way hoping for that mythical Knight in Shining Armor to come to her rescue.
The transition towards the desire to control her own life, her own direction, her own path was not an easy one.
As a woman who is now in her adulthood, but grew up watching exactly this struggle, Peggy’s story strikes a deep chord. One that resonates with my own recent discovery that I don’t always want to be in the driver seat.
The point though of Peggy’s new book (already a smoking, overnight bestseller!) is not WHAT your personal desire is. It’s how to reach that desire. How to make it real. How to achieve exactly the life you envision as the life that fits.
Peggy also writes about her own experience of how her successes sometimes upset the status quo – how friends, family relatives may be come jealous, or destabilised by the lifestyle changes, shifts in values and priorities that are the stepping stones to achieving this new, beautiful, ideal life.
This is another experience I can personally attest to.
The truth that Peggy repeatedly circles back to is that no one is going to change your life for you – you are the only one who can rescue you from the negative beliefs, negative patterns, and ruts that keep you creating the outcomes that no longer serve you.
Thankfully, Peggy also gives concrete ways out of these negative patterns.
Using universal techniques that I recognize from my own training – Neuro-Linguistic Programming, cognitive behavioral therapies, bio-psychology, and even my favorite, GRATITUDE! – Peggy tells us how to easily reprogram ourselves out of these old, habitual grooves that keep us running down the same old roads.
SO good. I read this in a 3-hour time span on a Pacific – Atlantic flight, cover to cover. I laughed, I cried, I didn’t care that I was in public.
Francesca Lia Block has offered reading I lusted for since Weetzie Bat. I’m ashamed to say I haven’t read everything she has to offer.
Block covers some seriously dark, trippy stuff in some of her books. All the same, compelling as hell.
In Necklace of Kisses, she treads wistful territory in a coming of age, for us women coming of age after the question – or act – of divorce. The erasure of old stories through the enactment of fantasy. The fantasy world entering into the real. The fantastical as part and parcel to a magical daily life.
I’m forever gratefully heartbroken by Block’s writing. I couldn’t make it through Eat, Pray, Love – though I tried three times. But Necklace of Kisses was a growing up, growing into, growing through, that hit home – and then caressed the sweet spot with a magical balm that healed a tearing in my pericardium.
Thank you, Ms. Block. I think I’m in love with you.
P.S. I also let my daughter read this when she was 11. (Yes, I’m liberal in these areas.) Now 12, she’s read it three times.
The celebration of this season has roots in the timeless, hidden promise of light and warmth that lives within the dark. Even after the longest night of the year is over, winter still holds sway. But the light does begin its ascent to grandeur and glory in the eternal procession of seasons.
With eyes open to this bit of earth-based awareness, you’ll see representations of this ode to light reflected in whatever rituals are performed – be it the hanging of twinkling Christmas lights, the lighting of the Menorah, or the Mshumaa, or the burning of the Yule log.
Each one of these ceremonies bring us to the same moment of invocation of the return of the light, and gratitude for the flickering promise that lives in the kindling of the first spark.
Let this be a chance to invoke the light within as well. Whether you celebrate Solstice on December 20th – 21st, Hanukkah the 21st-29th, Christmas on the 25th, whether you are calling in the light of the Sun, or the light of Christ, conjure it inside of you.
Make time this season to commit to a new light within you! Light a candle and say a prayer. Light a host of candles with loved ones, and voice your dreams for the newly burgeoning light. Let each string of lights be a reminder to awaken to the potential of the coming year. Let each fire glowing in the hearth be a reminder of the power of a return to warmth and light.
<strong><a href=”http://lasaraallen.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/DSC01715_1.jpg”><img title=”grateful in blue.” src=”http://lasaraallen.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/DSC01715_1-150×150.jpg” alt=”" width=”150″ height=”150″ /></a>About the author:</strong>
Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
<strong>The holidays are upon us. </strong>No matter what your spiritual persuasion, you’re probably going to be finding time within this season of cold days and long nights to gather with family and friends, sit around the feast table, and celebrate some light in the darkness. What a wonderful thing!
But even so, the most joyful season still comes with holiday stress. And, between travel, shopping, parties, and family commitments, many of us don’t take very good care of ourselves in the midst of it all. During the holidays, most of us eat more – and more poorly. We exercise less. We let our spiritual practices slip. I mean, who has time to meditate? There’s a sale on, and I still have gifts to buy! (Right?)
The result; physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion.
In addition to the basic stressors listed above, the holidays are the loneliest time of the year for many. Depression rates increase in the darker months, and many people experience physical and psychological ills when faced with the prospect of gathering with family. (Ever heard of the Christmas Migraine? It’s a real thing.)
For a change, why not make a <em>pre</em>-New Year’s resolution? Dedicate yourself to defeating the stress and depression many of us associate with this time of year, before it even happens.
Remember your own self-care, and the rest will come easily; pleasure, enjoyment, and a healthful indulgence in the more lovely aspects of the season.
<strong>1. Eat With a Plan</strong>
The magic of the holidays doesn’t change the exercise/calories ratio. So, as usual, the more you exercise, the more calories you can take in without weight gain.
New studies show that though the amount of weight gained during the holidays is less than was assumed – around 1 pound gained between Thanksgiving the New Years – the weight gain is often long-lasting, if not permanent. On average, body weight in women increases by 5.2 percent in ten years. How much of that is holiday gain? It’s unclear. But, holiday munching is one culprit you can limit the power of by eating consciously, and entering the season with a plan.
If you’re in relatively good shape, your plan should include healthy eating choices, and balancing exercise with caloric intake. Don’t get neurotic about it, but pay attention. If your weight is already a health concern, your plan should be more intensive. And again, exercise is key to happy, healthy, guilt-free eating.
<strong>2. Exercise</strong>
<strong> </strong>
<strong>Exercise keeps your weight down, and your heart healthy</strong>. As mentioned above, your holiday health plan must include exercise! There are many excellent reasons to include a solid dose of cardio in your regular plans. One reason, of course, is the exercise/calorie ratio. One pound of weight=3500 calories. So, as you keep track of your intake, you can tally, and exercise as needed to balance the indulgences.
<strong>Exercise is also a great treatment for depression, stress, anxiety, and seasonal affective disorder.</strong> According to a study published in the <em>American Journal of Preventive Medicine</em> in 2005, exercise is as effective as antidepressant medication for treating mild to moderate depression.
It’s also helpful in the treatment of Seasonal Affective Disorder. For treatment to be most effective, perform moderately intense cardio – exercise bike, treadmill, or other aerobic activity – for 30 – 35 minutes a day, 3 – 5 days a week.
If you’re on antidepressants, exercise is wonderful as a complimentary measure.
<strong>3. Take a Break</strong>
Take time to slow down. Relax into the rhythm that your body gravitates to in this dark time. Sit in the bathtub. Meditate. Pray. Greet the dark, and let it heal you.
Don’t forget to make time for sleep.
<strong>4. Spend Time with Those Closest to You:</strong>
In my little family, we plan our relaxation into the calendar, holidays or not. We plan chill time, family movie nights, and my husband and I religiously observe Tuesday evening as our date night.
Find some rituals that make sense to your and yours. Plan in and enjoy closeness with those near and dear in these coldest and darkest of days and nights. Tell and listen to stories. Watch the classic holiday films. Do crafts together.
<strong>5. Remember the Heart of What’s Most Important To You About the Season</strong>
What’s your favorite thing about the season? Is it friends, family, and gatherings? Who got or gave the greatest gift? Wassail and carols? Feeding the hungry? The lights and trees and sparkly things?
Whatever brings you joy make sure to keep it front and center. Focus on delight. Build your holiday around the parts that you, and those you love, find most important. It goes a long way toward keeping your holiday sane, sweet, and meaningful.
<strong><a href=”http://lasaraallen.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/DSC01715_1.jpg”><img title=”grateful in blue.” src=”http://lasaraallen.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/DSC01715_1-150×150.jpg” alt=”" width=”150″ height=”150″ /></a>Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
Keywords: — santa claus, question, god, christmas, family, values, generosity, mysticism, children, santa is real, holiday season, hard questions, faith, christmas spirit, jesus, belief , magic, miracles, christmas miracles
When it comes to the delicate matter of belief, there are creative ways to answer our childrens’ questions without taking the magic out of life.
When my oldest daughter was about five, she asked whether Santa Claus was real. Her dad and I told her that Santa is real to those who believe.
Is love real? Is hope real? Is magic real? Is faith real? We can’t touch or see any of these things, but most of us do believe in at least a few of them. In some cases, we can feel them. In others, we see proof of them appearing in the physical world.
I still believe in Santa Claus, and always will.
I believe that Tibetan Lamas reincarnate with full recall of their previous lives. I believe in knights in shining armor, and princesses in towers. Sometimes it irks me to admit it, but believe I do. I believe in faeries, and faerie tales, pookas, ghosts, saints, and goblins. And I believe in Christmas miracles.
Just like I believe in God, with Its ineffability, and the many faces It wears.
<em>Jitterbug Perfume</em> by Tim Robbins has one of the best descriptions I’ve seen of the human relationship with deity. The premise is this: the gods depend upon our belief in them to survive. Our belief makes them real.
The power of belief is an important gift we must safeguard and instruct in our children. Belief is what we build our lives upon. Without belief, we’re cast adrift on an endless, meaningless sea. Belief offers a rudder when nothing else can help us find our way. At 12, my oldest daughter started our Christmas festivities by saying she no longer believes in Santa. And then complained when she didn’t feel the Christmas Spirit flooding her as we trimmed the tree.
I talked to her about faith.
The fact is, sometimes it’s been hard to have faith that Santa will come. I’ll admit it; even I of abundant belief I have been known to test The Spirit from time to time. In 2006 I made one such test. It was my first Christmas post-divorce. I had no one to give my Christmas list to. No one to tell what I hoped to find under the tree. That year it was hard to find my belief in the Spirit of Christmas.
I wanted indoor/outdoor, “Ugg” knock-off slippers. It was what I wanted. It was a deal between me and God, and since I had asked, God knew exactly what was required to prove my faith. I know, it’s kind of petty. Slippers?
But sometime it’s the little things that matter. Cozy feet on a lonely morning. A small gift out of nowhere.
Come Christmas, I was gifted a pair of slippers. The gifter didn’t buy them for me, but for a niece. When the slippers didn’t fit the quickly growing girl, my sister asked me to take them instead; she didn’t want to go to the trouble of carrying them home on the plane and exchanging them.
I whispered a thank you to Santa, and reminded myself that sometimes He works in mysterious ways. He makes miracles occur. Or at least the belief in Him does.
I didn’t know my sister was bringing slippers for the nieces. She didn’t know I wanted them, either. But He did. And He delivered.
Throughout my life I’ve seen innumerable miracles of Christmas faith occur, large and small. Movies are built on the theme of The Christmas Miracle.
Art imitates life. Off the screen, food banks fill for at least one day with more than enough to feed the local hungry. I’ve seen people open their doors to strangers so they would have somewhere to be on Christmas morning. I’ve seen communities pull together and provide gifts for children who would have otherwise gone without.
To quote the words of song writer Red West, popularized by Elvis, “if every day could be just like Christmas, what a wonderful world this would be.”
Christmas movies with their grand, soaring themes serve only as a reminder of what’s possible when we allow ourselves to invest in love and faith. And as believing becomes more effortless, the miracles become larger.
My faith in the Miracle of Christmas is no longer shakable. No more tests required – I finally got my ultimate proof.
In 2007 my Christmas Miracle was the grandest The Spirit of Christmas has yet conspired to deliver for me. The man I’ve been waiting my whole life to find crossed mountains and rivers that stormy December to be by my side and spend the holidays with me and the children.
The holidays have never ended for us. They’ll continue for the rest of our lives. The man of my dreams, now my husband, hasn’t left since.
That Christmas I felt like both Doris and little Susan in Miracle on 34th Street; the home, the family, the life that I had been nearly afraid to desire became my greatest Christmas miracle. Now every holiday season is a celebration of that most profound of miracles; the emergence of a love perfect and complete.
As a Mystic Mama, I don’t feel that I’m misleading my children by encouraging them to believe in a power that makes their lives happier, more joyous, more bountiful, more hopeful, more magical.
As they grow older, my children get to become an active part of that energy of selfless giving. They become the ones who enact the spirit. The arms, legs, bodies and hearts that offer those miracles up.
I know from personal experience that the Holiday Spirit does exist. It’s palpable. It acts in the world.
Call it the power of faith, or Jesus, or Santa Claus, or generosity, it’s a reminder of a bond of love for our fellow man. Regardless of the name we give it, it sustains. It acts through and for each of us, bringing miracles to bear.
Recycling is probably the most mentioned, but least effective of the three Rs. Of the four items mentioned above, only the yogurt container can be recycled. And at, that, only at some recycling centers. The shirt and plastic bag are landfill. Over time, the shirt will rot away. The plastic bag will not.
Of all the items I mentioned, the computer is most problematic. There’s a new term that’s been created in recent years; e-waste, or electronic-waste. Your phones, TVs, and computers all fall into this category. Ne recycling here!
But even with items that are recyclable, the value of the recyclable item as a measure for decreasing waste is variable. It’s complex, and I don’t even begin understand the level of math that goes into figuring it out, but it takes energy to recycle. In some cases more (soda can back into soda cans), in some cases less (post-consumer waste like office paper into toilet paper).
But, more or less, recycling uses resources. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not telling you to give-up on recycling. I’m just saying that the other two options, reducing and reusing, are the ones that are going to be softer on your pocket, and gentler on the earth at the same time.
And that’s something you, and your family, can feel good about. Twice!
(Stay tuned for the FOURTH R: REPURPOSING!)
About the author:Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
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Reusing is step two; once you’ve purchased an item and put it into circulation, the more times the item is used, the less the overall impact. This is just as true for a plastic bag, yogurt container, t-shirt, or computer.
Of the four items mentioned, only the shirt is biodegradable. And, at that, only truly biodegradable if made of organic material such as cotton or silk. So reuse it! (Or, Repurpose – the fourth R.)
The plastic bag can be reused – as a sandwich bag for your kid’s lunch, at the store for your produce, a container for left-overs like pasta, or even a hair cap for dying your hair. But once it’s done with, it’s landfill – no ifs, ands, or buts.
If you can find biodegradable
The yogurt container is a sturdy alternative to Tupperware™ (and basically free, if you bought it for the yogurt, right?). Or, if you’re starting your own “Victory garden” this year, you can use it for starts for your veggies.
Once the container begins to fall apart, it goes into the recycling – that is, if your town has a recycling program that accepts that kind of plastic.
Of all the items mentioned, the computer has the most problems with waste – much of it toxic, from batteries in laptops, to the metals used in the construction of the insides of the machine.
There’s a new term that’s been created in recent years; e-waste, or electronic-waste. Your phones, TVs, and computers all fall into this category.
E-waste is becoming a larger and larger issue. It’s a problem that’s grown to the extent that companies which once shipped used computers to countries like Africa have stopped, due to the accumulation of e-waste.
Instead of being a benefit, the well-intentioned act of offering our older technology to countries where there was less available has become a liability, and in a sense, an inadvertent sort of “off-shore dumping” program.
This article goes so far as to say that once you buy electronics, you should consider them yours for life.
The longer we can keep any of these items in use, and better yet, in use in our own household, the better for the environment – and our pocket.
So use your electronics until they’re totally unusable – and then make sure they’re either disposed of properly, or refurbished for further use.
There’s a line-up in my house for my coveted machine when I eventually upgrade, but if your kids are too high-falutin to take your old laptop, there’s always someone who would be glad to get a few months use out of that outdated computer, or even your “beater” of a car.
About the author:
Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
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Reduce, Reuse, Recycle -it’s actually a pyramid, not a circle!
The slogan “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” is in that order for a reason; it makes more sense to envision it as a pyramid than the circular form it’s usually represented as.
Reduce is the foundation of that pyramid. Reevaluating and reducing consumer habits is the best thing we can do to decrease our planetary impact.
It’s also a softer on the checkbook.
Reducing can be an easy step, and many easy choices, that add up to a big change. Some of those steps will happen naturally, as a response to the tightening of belts that occurs in times of financial uncertainty.
Reduce Use of Gasoline:
When gas prices shot sky-high in the summer of ‘08, my family reduced our number of shopping trips per week. We live rurally, so we planned better, and made each 30+ mile drive to and from the nearest place of commerce really count.
Yeah, it’s tiring to go to five stores in one day. But we saved a lot of money (and time), and reduced our use of gasoline by about 3/4.
Even though gas prices have dropped for the time-being, we’ve more-or-less stuck with the newly-learned habit of 1 – 2 shopping trips a week. And it feels great to know that we’re simultaneously saving money AND decreasing our use of petroleum products.
Buy in Bulk:
Buying in bulk reduces post-consumer waste, and often helps you save some pennies in the process. In some areas, there are buyers cooperatives that you can join, and go in on true bulk ordering. This saves money, travel or the delivery to individual stores for you and the delivery company, and packaging waste.
Perhaps the most comprehensive way you and your family can foster the reduce piece of the puzzle is to reconsider the desire to keep up with the Joneses. Don’t get the next gadget that comes along, even though your kid might beg, kick, and scream for the newest of the new of the e-game-component du-jour.
Ideally, as you begin changing your habits and educating your kids about the reasons why, they’ll be less inclined to see disposable culture as they once did. Based on your modeling, and the new information they’ll receive through family conversation, they’re likely to be less prone to emotional response to acquisitive desires.
But in the case that attachment does arise, here are some things to remember, and to remind about; not only does the new thing create future trash, but the old one instantly becomes waste in the process.
And, your wallet gets that-much lighter every time you give in to the consuming-for-consuming’s-sake urge. It’s up to you how much of that part you want to share with your child. There’s a fine line between honesty and over-sharing. You can figure out where yours is.
Finally, remember this; just the process of asking the question, “Do we NEED this?” will in many cases lead to a substantial decrease in purchases.
One caution; too much of a limitation of recreational buying can cause a sense of poverty or undue pressure in itself. Allow yourself and your kids the occasional impulse of luxury buy. I myself go for magazines, or an inexpensive bit of make-up. (This is common. There’s actually a name for this recession related pattern; The Lipstick Index.)
I have a rule that works with my younger daughter, too. On any shopping trip that she needs goes on, she gets to choose an inexpensive treat at the end, like a special food treat or a little toy. There is one condition to this treat; that she not ask for anything during the shopping trip.
Yes, this could be seen as bribery. But it’s also a little tradition we’ve created together, and it makes both os us happy, makes her feel comfortable in her own ability to have a voice and a choice, and I don’t end up having to say “NO!” throughout the whole shopping trip. And that alone is worth it.
When the shopping trip consists of multiple stops, my daughter’s purchase is saved for the last.
About the author:Author Bio:
Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
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Every challenge is an opportunity. The recession is a perfect chance to create a shift in your family’s, and your own, values; a chance to move from want-based, status-based, and impulse spending, to sustainable consumer choices.
Of course, the first step is to that reframe is in shifting your own thought process. In this article you’ll see that in many cases the eco-conscious, sustainable and the financially sound options are one and the same.
It’s not always an easy leap to get from habitual, reflexive, pattern spending,= to more conscious choices. Here are some simple – even if not always easy – steps to get you, and your family, thinking from a more resilient and ecologically sound perspective.
Reframe Patterns Induced by the Recession to Lessons that Will Last a Lifetime – Or Even Generations.
To begin with, instead of jumping to the blanket thought or statement, “We can’t afford a new (insert-item-of-the-moment-here)!” address the question – first in yourself and then with your child – “Do we need a new (insert-item-of-the-moment-here)?”
Need is a complex idea. It may take a while to rebuild and your family’s and your own thoughts, feelings, and ultimately values regarding the question of what constitutes need. It’s not as simple as just need vs. want. There’s a whole spectrum.
Here are a few things that will help in the process of creating a new valuation of the concept of need in your family structure.
• Casual conversation with your family about what need really means. Using examples of less consumer-driven cultures can be illustrative.
• Age-appropriate documentaries of truly impoverished cultures can help a child who is ready for a more global picture to understand the scale between need and want.
• With younger kids, pictures books, folk tales, and songs can help in redefining values.
• Remembering that giving is a gift. The fact that you are able to give means that you have abundance to share.
• Philanthropic acts, couples with conversation, can shift a sense of need to a a value of generosity. (See my article 5 Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving for ideas on how to enact this value and practice.)
• Volunteering at a local soup kitchen with your kids can bring it home that there’s trouble, right here in River City – but not in your home! (Again, see my article 5 Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving.) It shows that this level of scarcity exists, but that you’re family is safe from it. When my kids say, “There’s nothing to eat!”, it’s time for at least a conversation about what “nothing to eat” means.
As you educate your kids, it’s healthy, inspiring, and empowering to couple information about poverty and need with stories of positive change. Even more important is introducing ideas for positive change that you and your family can offer to your community and the world.
Little steps your child can take to help make the world a better place will help to turn fear to hope. Projects even as simple as boxing up a few items and offering them to a local charity can go a long way in allowing your kid awareness, without overwhelm.
If your kid has an allowance, you may invite them to tithe, to contribute to an organization like Save the Children or Heifer International. Or, you can start a family generosity fund and decide together where to contribute the collected funds on a monthly, quarterly, around holidays, or randomly.
Consistency in Word and Deed.
During the holiday season of 2007, I asked my tween-aged daughter to seriously consider her use of the word need.
She did, and after her time for contemplation we talked about it. We then boxed up lots of unused household items, toys, and gifts, and contributed the haul to a local free-store. As part of a holiday project a women’s group I’m part of had taken on, the daughter and I bought some items for a Christmas package for a local family in need.
A few days later, I casually used the word need in a conversation with my husband. My daughter overheard it, raised an eyebrow, and said, “Need, mom?” I quickly retracted. She was right. I really only wanted what ever the now-forgotten item was.
SEE MORE IN THE THREE “R”s – IN NAVIGATION MENU.
About the author:Author Bio:
Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
Gratitude can be a wonderful, large, beautiful part of your living spiritual practice.
Gratitude offers benefits that range from the physical, to the psychological, to the spiritual, and affects both our inner and outer lives. Gratitude practice, in and of itself, bring us into creative co-creation with our personal reality, our beloved family and friends, the world, and our experience of it all.
Science tells us that gratitude is a key element to having a healthy heart. And I’m not speaking in metaphor; this is for real! Science has proven that gratitude contributes to the health of your heart, and to your overall sense of joy and well-being
Gratitude is a value we can instill in our children through modeling and teaching. It can become a foundational aspect of how we build day-to-day life.
My own deep devotion to gratitude as a spiritual path has lead me to writing about gratitude, and even creating a set of Gratitude Games designed to help joyfully introduce gratitude into your life, and the life of your family and friends. Gratitude Games have caught on like wildfire, and have been given great reviews from professional reviewers, teachers, and individuals – teachers, facilitators, moms, and more – who have played the games with their families, clients, colleagues, and students.
Enjoy The Gratitude Place as it grows.Visit The Gratitude Journal and share YOUR gratitude with our gratitude community. Visit the Gratitude Quotes page. Add your favorite gratitude quotes in the comments section if they aren’t there yet. And keep you eyes open for what’s coming next!
May gratitude lead you to the exact life that you desire.
The Gratitude Journal is a place where you can come to share gratitude with a grateful community. Hosted by Lasára Allen, The Gratitude Place, and Gratitude Games, there’s a lot of gratitude to go around! So leave your gratitude posts in our comments section. To be continually inspired by the comments others leave as well, subscribe to the comments feed! You can do so in the right hand column.
I’m very happy to be back! So, get over there and visit, and make my column shine! Your comments (on the elephant journal page) make all the difference.
Enjoy some of my favorite quotes on mysticism, metaphysics, and more:
A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Albert Einstein
My heart has become capable of every form: it is a pasture for gazelles and a convent for Christian monks,
And a temple for idols, and the pilgrim’s Ka’ba, and the tables of the Tora and the book of the Koran.
I follow the religion of Love, whichever way his camels take. My religion and my faith is the true religion.
We have a pattern in Bishr, the lover of Hind and her sister, and in Qays and Lubna, and in Mayya and Ghaylan. Ali Ibn Arabi
After your death you will be what you were before your birth. Arthur Schopenhauer
All is divine, all is God, and unity is divinity. Sathya Sai Baba
I have said that the soul is not more than the body.
And I have said that the body is not more than the soul,
And nothing, not God, is greater to one than one’s-self is,
And whoever walks a furlong without sympathy walks to his own funeral, dressed in his shroud,
(…)
And there is no object so soft but it makes a hub for the wheeled universe,
And any man or woman shall stand cool and supercilious before a million universes.
And I call to mankind, Be not curious about God.
For I who am curious about each am not curious about God,
No array of terms can say how much I am at peace about God and about death.
Why should I wish to see God better than this day?
I see something of God in each hour of twenty-four, and each moment then
In the faces of men and women I see God, and in my own face in the glass;
I find letters from God dropped in the street, and every one is signed by God’s name,
And I leave them where they are, for I know that others will punctually come forever and ever.
(…)
I hear and behold God in every object, yet I understand God not in the least,
Nor do I understand who there can be more wonderful than myself. Walt Whitman, Excerpts, Song of Myself
And above all things, never think that you’re not good enough yourself. A man should never think that. My belief is that in life people will take you at your own reckoning. Isaac Asimov
I do nothing. The Holy Spirit accomplishes all through me. William Blake
If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark. St. John of the Cross
In the evening of life, we will be judged on love alone. St. John of the Cross
If you purify your soul of attachment to and desire for things, you will understand them spiritually. If you deny your appetite for them, you will enjoy their truth, understanding what is certain in them. St. John of the Cross
The foremost in religion is the acknowledgement of Him, the perfection of acknowledging Him is to testify Him, the perfection of testifying Him is to believe in His Oneness, the perfection of believing in His Oneness is to regard Him Pure, and the perfection of His purity is to deny Him attributes, because every attribute is a proof that it is different from that to which it is attributed and everything to which something is attributed is different from the attribute. Thus whoever attaches attributes to Allah recognises His like, and who recognises His like regards Him two; and who regards Him two recognises parts for Him; and who recognises parts for Him mistook Him; and who mistook Him pointed at Him; and who pointed at Him admitted limitations for Him; and who admitted limitations for Him numbered Him.
Whoever said in what is He, held that He is contained; and whoever said on what is He held He is not on something else. He is a Being but not through phenomenon of coming into being. He exists but not from non-existence. He is with everything but not in physical nearness. He is different from everything but not in physical separation. He acts but without connotation of movements and instruments. He sees even when there is none to be looked at from among His creation. He is only One, such that there is none with whom He may keep company or whom He may miss in his absence. The oneness of god, according to Ali ibn Abi Talib
I testify that there is no Deity (God) except the sole and matchless Allah. And (…that) the singleness of Allah is a word that (has been) declared (sincerely as…) reality, and made the hearts the centre of its contact and union. And has made the specifications and research of the oneness of Allah’s station obvious and evident in the light of meditation. The Allah Who can not be seen by the eyes, and tongues are unable and baffled to describe His virtues and attributes. And the intelligence and apprehension of man is helpless and destitute from the imagination of his how-ness. Fatima bint Muhammad
Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.
~ Kahlil Gibran
You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink.
~ G.K. Chesterton
If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice.
~ Meister Eckhart
Let us give thanks for this beautiful day. Let us give thanks for this life. Let us give thanks for the water without which life would not be possible. Let us give thanks for Grandmother Earth who protects and nourishes us.
~ Lakota Daily Prayer of Gratitude
As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
~ John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Every moment my heart beats, it is a song; Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah…
~ Sheik Bhukari
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and
food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It’s a way to live.
~ Jacqueline Winspear
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can – there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
~ Sarah Caldwell
When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears.
~ Anthony Robbins
You don’t get out of life what you want, you get what you expect.
~ Neil Sutton.
If you have lived, take thankfully the past.
~ John Dryden
As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily. The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.
Practicing gratitude with your children encourages both humility and empowerment. It offers easy recognition of your family’s wealth and abundance – no matter your financial picture – and a desire to share that abundance with the world. ThisRaising Grateful Children teleclass recording teaches you how to inspire and instill the practice of gratitude in your child, while honoring her or his experience of life.
Cultivating and nurturing gratitude in our children is the beginning of a journey towards health, well-being, fulfillment, and generosity of spirit.
Gratitude offers benefits that range from the physical, to the psychological, to the spiritual, and affects both our inner and outer lives. Gratitude practice, in and of itself, bring us into creative co-creation with our day-to-day reality, our family and friends, the world, and colors our experience of all those things. Gratitude-colored glasses make everything look brighter!
In this look at why making a psychological and spiritual practice of gratitude in your family is such a good idea, we’ll just scratch the surface of some topics. For a deeper look into the pragmatics of the scientific angle, read The Science of Gratitude. For tips on creating more community- and service-based, interactive gratitude practice with your children, read 5 Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving. For ways to bring gratitude, and the practice of it, easily and joyfully into the life of your close community, see How to Host a Gratitude Gathering.
If you’re ready to delve deeper into the subject matter, you can find all these articles in one package in the Gratitude Games Pro package.
Physical health benefits of gratitude:
Gratitude cancels out stress.
When your kid is facing some kind of trouble at school, or feeling your stress when you’re stuck in traffic, or feeling guilty for having done something they were reprimanded for, just like any of us, they’ll start thinking about all the reasons it’s horrible that they’re in the circumstances they’re in. If they’re anything like my younger daughter, they’re also very likely to begin thinking of all the other times that a similar thing happened.
Thoughts flock together, “…like birds of a feather,” as my mom says. As your kid starts playing free-association with how bad things are, it’s easy enough for them to start thinking, feeling, or even saying, as kids are known to do, “Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?” The thought cycle in a vicious circle, and your kid is left standing, or sitting, stewing in their own stress, discomfort, or sadness. Often it ends in heartbroken tears.
All the while, stress chemicals are streaming through your child’s body.
Now, in some cases stress can be a positive thing. Stress is designed to get us out of emergency situations. Stress makes it possible for us to run faster, jump higher, lift more weight than we normally could, and see more clearly. Acute stress heightens the senses, and our physical capabilities.
When stress chemicals – which produce what’s known as the “fight or flight response” – are put to use immediately, there’s nothing that can stand in for that jolt of dopamine, adrenaline and noradrenaline, and cortisol – also known as “the stress hormone”. Getting out of mortal danger is the most extreme example. More often, it’s less intense moments that benefit by the stress response; making that last sprint in a race, or when well-prepared, stress can even help you finish a test or an exam in record time, without losing accuracy.
When prepared to use the process of stress to your advantage, it’s more than helpful; it can be the difference between life and death, success and failure, goal completion or falling short of those goals.
However, in the case of chronic stress there’s no benefit. Without fail, the negative effects of long-term stress ravage the system. Stress is bad for the heart, anxiety levels, digestion, skin, sleep patterns, and more.
Most of us are not prepared to put stress to positive use. This is especially true for most children, who are sitting at desks with an abundance of energy that needs to be capped up daily and (ideally) used later. Often this in itself is a stressful situation.
Add in fight-or-flight, stress chemical inducing, crisis situations like regular pop-testing and exams, school-yard politics, and potential bullying, and you have a very little system on pretty major stress-overload.
When you notice stress creeping up on your child, you can help him or her gain resilience with many tools including relaxation techniques, positive visualization, and turning their attention towards gratitude. The refocus will allow your child’s system to cancel those stressful responses and turn towards a healthy thought process that leads to empowerment, focus, positivity, resilience, ease, and even joy.
This refocus is a practice, but the great thing about any practice is it that it gets easier over time. But like playing piano or becoming an athlete, or healing from stress or past trauma, there’s never a “best” – always a “better.” Healing is a process and a path. There is no final destination.
Gratitude heals the heart.
Less stress=healthier heart! Stress hormones wear the heart down. Gratitude is proven to stop the production of stress chemicals and to increase the body response that leads to – and is caused by – happiness. Why not choose a happy, healthy circle of emotional thought instead of that “vicious” one I mentioned before?
Gratitude makes your body “happy”.
Gratitude is known to increase enthusiasm, alertness, determination, and other happy, positive, empowered feelings. A study conducted with school-age children found that children who are grateful not only make friends more easily, they also have an easier time with academic achievement. Grateful children are happier children. And happier children are more resourceful children. Another study conducted in 2003 found that the regular practice of gratitude increases happiness by 25%.
Happy feelings lead to happy hormones and chemicals. Happy chemicals lead to a happy physiology. Happy leads to happy, basically. Start where you are, and grow your happiness, bit by bit.
Gratitude is a proven to be a highly effective way to increase happiness in your life. This fact can be seen as both a physiological and psychological benefit of gratitude, so it’s really a great place to jump to the next category of benefits; psychological benefits.
Psychological Benefits of Gratitude:
Gratitude allows us to repattern and reframe what we expect.
Whatever we pay attention to gets bigger. This is one area where we can absolutely count on a “return on investment.” Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want.” If you think about that statement, you’ll begin understanding why reconditioning what we expect is so important.
To illustrate this point, think of a search engine like Google. Say you don’t know how a search engine works. You type the first thoughts that come to mind into the search box. Say those thoughts are poverty, war, despair. And you get page after page of hits, all showing how awful the world is.
This is very much how our thought process works. The thoughts that are the first to arise when we think of things we want, things we need, even things we’ve experienced in the past, we create an expectation of what we’ll find or experience next. One of my mentors says, “We don’t get what we want, we get what we expect.” That’s where the whole praying for something we don’t want analogy comes in. my reverend says, “If you spend five minutes a day praying for what we want, and the rest of our 24 hours in a day worrying we won’t get it, which do you think wins out?”
Negative in, negative out. We walk through the world predicting what will happen next, and we notice how our experience almost always delivers exactly what we expected to find.
There’s no big magical “secret” about it; you notice what you’re prepared to notice. If there is any sort of secret, it’s this; the hidden truth is that every moment holds a potentially infinite number of possible outcomes. You will choose the one that allows you to be most right, stay most comfortable in your assumptions, and reliably predict your future experiences. This is often referred to as “staying in your comfort zone.”
Even when you think you want the opposite of what you keep predicting, expecting, and experiencing, the world delivers it – merely because it’s what you are more prepared to notice. And, noticing that which confirms your expectations makes you – you guessed it – comfortable.
Birds of a feather flock together; thoughts travel in packs.
Instead of investing in the possible negative outcome of your fears, gratitude helps you notice the good iny our life. And by noticing the things you’re grateful for – instead of steeling yourself against your fears – you seek, and find, more and more to be grateful for.
This is not only an amazingly liberating experience for you; it’s also wonderful modeling for your children. Moods are contagious. Habits are contagious. So is gratitude.
Gratitude may reduce the likelihood of depression.
Gratitude leads to a happier, healthier life. People who practice gratitude, or to whom gratitude comes naturally, have been found to have larger networks of support, and a more full life.
One risk is what psychologists call “hedonic adaptation.” Hedonic adaptation is a fancy term that means that we get used to the things that initially excite us. That’s why it’s important to always step-up your practice of gratitude. Just like building a muscle, learning how to play an instrument, or becoming more healthy, there’s always room for a new level of commitment and development.
The good news about adaptation is that it also happens with negative experiences, like loss, trauma, or any kind of emotional or physical pain. Over time, we get used to the state we’re in. Gratitude can help with the adaptation even more easily. Finding gratitude for the negative experiences we’ve experienced in our lives can speed the process of recovery from any kind of traumatic or painful experience.
Gratitude is linked with forgiveness, which is linked with healing from emotional scars.
Forgiveness is a key to recovery from psychological or emotional injury. Forgiveness may occur purely inside of yourself – through therapy, meditation, compassion exercises, prayer, or other practices – or through interaction with the one or ones that have been involved in any wounding you have experienced. The act of forgiving – yourself, as well as anyone else who has hurt you – allows you to grow through, and past, the pain.
Forgiveness is a great thing to model for your children. As we hold onto hurt, we grow more hurt. Or, to use a quote attributed to the Buddha:
You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
If you move through anger with grace, love, and gratitude, your child will learn to as well.
Spiritual Benefits of Gratitude:
Gratitude opens the heart to the good in any situation, and the good in humanity.
When we begin seeing good in our experience, it’s easy to see it in others, and in their experience. Gratitude can lead to more trusting interactions, which lead to more experiences to be grateful for. It’s the act of noticing the good that already exists that allows the good to flourish in our lives, and in the world.
As your child sees and experiences gratitude in the home, and in their hearts, just like you they’ll begin finding more and more of it outside.
Gratitude offers solace in times of tragedy.
When heartbroken, finding the good in our experience can be a challenge. However, just as gratitude heals the actual tissue of our actual heart, gratitude can heal the metaphorical heart, as well.
When we find gratitude for a lesson learned, we begin to heal. When we find gratitude for the influence a lost love has had on our lives, we can heal from the loss.
When your child comes home from school with tears instead of smiles, listen to the pain, but focus also on what was wonderful. Perhaps not about the painful experience just yet – that will coe later, perhaps – but the good things that were found around the painful ones. Treat your child’s heartbreak with compassion, and offer them your gratitude for thier tender, loving heart.
Gratitude refocuses your path to the greater good.
Gratitude grows in the act of spreading, and it’s contagious, just like any state or mood is. When we see how much good there is in our experience, it becomes easy and pleasurable to create more good in the world. As your child grows into a grateful heart their gratitude will spill over as generosity of spirit, a compassionate eye toward the world, and a sense of discernment that will allow them to enact the attributes of a happy soul.
Resources:
Easy to understand and comprehensive explanation of stress: http://www.mtstcil.org/skills/stress-definition-1.html
The science of stress: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catecholamine
Cortisol and stress, positive and negative: http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/cortisol.htm
What is cortisol, and stress management: http://stress.about.com/od/stressmanagementglossary/g/Cortisol.htm
Easy guide to stress that will help kids, teens, and parents learn both positive and negative, and what to do about stress when it becomes chronic: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/stress.html
Women and stess, including PTSD: http://www.medic8.com/healthguide/articles/stress.html
Gratitude> stress. (Gratitude cancels stress): http://www.realage.com/the-you-docs/you-being-beautiful/a-few-ways-to-appreciate-and-share-your-gifts
Emotional contagion: if you smile you feel happy. If you smile, others smile back. And then THEY fell happy, too. Mood and Emotional Contagion: http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Emotional_contagion
Hedonic adatation: http://www.voxeu.org/index.php?q=node/910
Quitting smoking is contagious: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/108373.php
“Are Your Friends Making You Fat?”, NY Times Sunday Magazine: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/magazine/13contagion-t.html
Heart research, including the neurology of stress -or “the brain of the heart”: www.heartmath.org
Gratitude and health, theory and scientific basis: www.acfnewsource.org/religion/gratitude_theory.html
Physical, emotional, spiritual benefits of gratitude, positive psychology, economics and gratitude, gifting and gratitude, spirituality and health, emotional understanding of children, forgiveness, gratefulness – the heart of prayer – Harpham, Aafke Elizabeth Komter, Michael E. McCullough, Solomon Schimmel, Charles M. Shelton, S. J., Brother David Steindl-Rast, O.S.B.: http://www.templeton.org/humble_approach_initiative/Gratitude/
Author Bio:
Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
– It’s Never Too Late to Try Dedications, Intentions, and WHY NOTs!
by Lasára Allen, www.LasaraAllen.com
Have you made any resolutions for 2010?
Many of us make resolutions – and then fail. Though I have almost always met with success in my new year’s resolutions, I think resolutions come from a somewhat limited, and limiting, perspective. So instead of resolutions his year, I’ve choosen to make lists of Dedications, Intentions and WHY NOTs.
But always with any new year commitment I make, I include one cautionary caveat, which I encourage you to adopt as well; remember that while any marker – new year’s day, new moon, an anniversary, or your birthday – can serve as an activator for a commitment, every breath is a chance for a new choice.
When you “fall short” of a commitment, offer yourself compassion instead of self-denigration. Gratitude instead of blame.
It helps me to think of my dedications, intentions, and wishes – my WHY NOT list, as practices. For me, practice means; though I’m not perfect at it (that’s why it’s called practice, right?), I am growing more committed and successful in it everyday.
I find this a great phrase, prayer, or mantra to remember as needed.
In the list structure I’ve used this year, each list has a higher level of commitment. 1: Dedications; 2: Intentions; 3; My “WHY NOT?” List.
Here’s a quick, easy guide on how to build these lists, and a few examples of my own per category.
List One; Dedications:
The Mirriam-Webster Dictionary offers four definitions for the word dedication.
1 : an act or rite of dedicating to a divine being or to a sacred use, 2 : a devoting or setting aside for a particular purpose, 3 : a name and often a message prefixed to a literary, musical, or artistic production in tribute to a person or cause, 4 : self-sacrificing devotion <her dedication to the cause>, 5 : a ceremony to mark the official completion or opening of something…
I think all of them have relevance here. For me, dedications are like vows that I’m making with God, my family, my community, the flow of life in general. And my life in specific. Of the three lists, as you might guess, this is the highest level of commitment.
In building this list, think of the things you truly are committed to enacting in your everyday life. Consider the ways you want your life to shift, the relationships you will reconfigure, the people you are responsible for or to.
Then set pen to paper (or finger to key board, as case may be), and get writing. You can write out as many or as few as feels right. If your list gets to long, you can number each item by level of importance or resonance, and then cut the ones that rank lowest.
Here are a few items from my Dedications for 2010 list:
* To recognize that every area of practice towards my own health is an act of dedication to the liberation of all sentient beings pervading time and space.
* To recognize that serving my husband, my children, my family and my friends are part of my spiritual practice, and to treat it as such. And, to remeber that this also serve the liberation of all beings.
* To continue following the path that my gratitude practice opens for me.
* To build a circle of similarly minded friends here in the area, and to actively commitment to this as a practice of faith, desire, and love.
* To continue trusting that God has a plan for me that is greater than I can see, and that every day I’m fulfilling that plan by living my life in as much consciousness as I can achieve.
List Two; Intentions
Mirriam-Webster has six definitions of the word intention. Of the six, I feel that the following five are all interestingly relevant in this case.
1 : a determination to act in a certain way : resolve, 2 : import, significance, 3 a : what one intends to do or bring about b : the object for which a prayer, mass, or pious act is offered, 4 : a process or manner of healing of incised wounds, 5 : concept; especially : a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge…
And here’s the etymology, thanks to etymonline.com;
intendc.1300, “direct one’s attention to,” from O.Fr. intendre “to direct one’s attention,” from L. intenderein- “toward” + tendere “to stretch” (see tenet). Sense of “have as a plan” (1390) was present in Latin. A Gmc. word for this was ettle, from O.N. ætla “to think, conjecture, propose,” from P.Gmc. *ahta “consideration, attention” (cf. O.E. eaht, Ger. acht). …
In my mind, intentions are thoughts, experiences and occurrences that you are casting forward into your future. Intetnions may not take as much day-to-day attention, or may not be as interactive with others in your life. Whatever they are, for me they often have a lot to do with feeling-states and the outcomes of them.
Some things off my Intentions for 2010 list:
* To allow financial, desired, perfect abundance to enter and flow in my life, and have less attachment about how that flow occurs. To trust that God knows best how to deliver this abundance.
* To follow the attraction and direction of my heart with grace, trust, and joy.
* To invest in and develop forgiveness for myself and and the harm that occurred in my past.
* More and more, to allow the support I so deeply desire.
* To take what I have learned of trust, honesty, and openness from my husband and begin generalizing it to the rest of the world.
List 3; My “WHY NOT?” List (this year and beyond):
I got the idea for a WHY NOT list from Self Magazine actually. I thought it sounded like a great idea – to give myself the chance to dream big, and think outside the daily details of family, plans, life, family, service, love, did I mention family?
WHY NOT take a few minutes and get very self-focused?If you could do anything, what would it be? And remember, anything you desire, you probably actually can pull off.
In my life, and lately in training for my half-marathon (one of my WHY NOTs, as you’ll see below), I have found so much inspiration from people who have come up against challenges and beat the odss; a man with a prosthetic leg finishing a marathon in just over five hours. People being diagnosed with cancer, and instead of succumbing, actually choosing to live for the first time in their lives. My sister, an amzing woman who is mentoring me on my marathon experience, summited Mount Everest four years ago in her mid-40s.
If you’re willing to reach for your WHY NOTs, there’s no way you’ll fail in having a great 2010, and beyond.
Some of my WHY NOTs, for 2010 and beyond:
* Run a half marathon – and then a full!
* Work toward my best comprehensive health in my life.
* Explore new religions. (Catholicism, traditional Tantra, deeper into Tibetan Buddhism and Tantric teachings and ritual.)
* Explore excavation of darkness and shadow, in the light.
* Go dancing.
* Take a dance class (again after all these years).
* Take a voice class (again after all these years).
* Visit different churches just to see what part of me the services sing to.
And, my final commitment; to view these lists at least once every three months, and mark off the things that actually have a completion point, and put stars next to the things I’m doing well with that are paths without destinations.
What are your commitments, intentions, or WHY NOTs? I look forward to seeing what you have to share. Please click here! It will be great to have you there.
With wishes of joy, abundance, and greatest gratitude, a very heartfelt prayer for a 2010 that is beyond your sweetest dreams, from my heart to yours.
In GRATITUDE! (heart here.)
Author Bio:
Lasára Allen is an author, an educator, advocate, ad the creator of Gratitude Games. Her articles cover a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an advocate, Lasára writes and speaks about living, parenting and working with bipolar disorder. In 2008, she designed Gratigories and her other Gratitude Games.
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally.
Lasára is mom to two amazing daughters, and wife to Robert Allen, an outstanding man.
Find more of Lasára’s writing, updates, and tons of health and fitness focus, – including an interactive “co-accountability” focused area – at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and more about Lasára’s gratitude projects at http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
I just found out the 2011 is the 2500th anniversary of the marathon! This is super cool, as my plan is to run a full marathon for my 40th birthday – in 2011! The fact it’s such a momentous occassion makes my goal that much sweeter. (See more on this soon.)
My other piece of news is that I have decided that I’d like to use my training as a opportunity to raise awareness about bipolar disorder (bp) and its affects. I’d like to help educate those who don’t have a lot of actual experience with bipolar or people who live with it as to the actual terrain of living with bp. In addition, I want to educate women who live with bipolar disorder (I prefer this wording to “suffer bipolar disorder), as to the helpful affects of exercise, and the process of aging with bipolar disorder.
You will see much more about all of this very soon, with donation links and sponsorship options all sorted out VERY soon.
What date makes you want to practice gratitude? You can choose Sunday, and have it be your church. You can choose the new moon, and have it be the beginning of a new cycle. You can choose your birthday, and have it be the way you begin your personal “new year”. Or, you can choose a random day, and proclaim it Gratitude Day!
You can hold monthly Gratitude Gatherings, or even weekly. You can plan them around holidays. You can start with one, and see how often you want to repeat the experience.
2. What’s Your Theme?
What do you want your gratitude fest to include?
If you want to include a meal, you have a few options. You can offer a meal you prepare. You can make a meal together as part of the party. Or, you can hold a potluck.
Offering a meal is a lovely gesture, a great gift to offer your loved ones. This is going to be a more contained experience most likely than some of the other options. You will need to know how many people are coming so you can prepare adequately. With a dinner party setting, the gratitude games can easily be the main focus of the event. Or, you can draw some of the elements mentioned below in as well.
A meal made together is an extraordinary experience of alchemy, transformation. You create together out of raw materials, and you can play the Gratitude Games while you make the meal, investing each element with the intentions of your gratefulness. This is a wonderful, magical way to celebrate your collective wealth, creativity, and abundance.
A potluck is the easiest if you want to have an open invitation, free-flowing event. The food will be less of a focus, but part of the overall experience of gratitude and collective abundance.
You can add in a Potlach ceremony – it’s also called a Give-Away. Potlatch comes from the indigenous people of the Pacific Northwest coastline. In a potlatch, you give away your belongings as a celebration of your abundance. In North Western native culture, the potlatch consisted of every household in the community putting belongings outside for the taking. The one who gave the most (as opposed to the family who had the most) gained the highest status.
In native culture, this ceremony was undertaken for many reasons. All had to do with the redistribution of wealth. Not everyone had material possessions to offer, and some offered dances or songs instead.
Invite guests to bring belongings, and everyone can give them away, and receive items from the other piles.
In addition to being an achingly beautiful traditional ceremony, this is a great way to reduce our carbon footprint. A give-away allows us to reduce waste, clean out storage and closets, and saves each participant the money, time, and by-product of a shopping trip, by way of new-to-them belongings.
The left-over items from your give-away may be given to the charity of your choice. For instance, I recently hosted a give-away, and offered all the left-over items from the party to a rummage sale that benefited extra- curricular activities at the local elementary school. Another time we brought the extra to the local homeless shelter and women’s crisis center in our town. Talk about sharing the wealth!
You can host a grocery drive as part of your gratitude gathering, and give the food to your local shelter, soup kitchen, or hospice center. You can have a raffle, and give the money you raise to the cause of your choice.
You can use the fest as an opportunity to educate your community about a community in need, and celebrate your wealth by sharing it!. You can offer information about Grameen, Kiva, and other micro-financing companies. Or choose a few loans beforehand that you want to join in to support, and help someone in a less economically privileged country create a sustainable income.
Of course, you can play Gratitude Games throughout.
Gratitude can be implemented in many ways. Bring your gratitude into the world, and make something grand of it.
3. What friends are you grateful for?
Who of your friends would most enjoy practicing gratitude with you? Make a list of the friends you want to share your grateful life with, and invite them to your celebration.
For your consideration: I encourage you to invite your guests via electronic means instead of paper invites, as some things I’m grateful for are a healthy planet, and healthy forests. Less waste, more breath!
Author Bio:
Lasára Allen is an author, an educator, and an advocate. Her articles cover a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an advocate, Lasára writes and speaks about living, parenting and working with bipolar disorder. In 2008 she designed GratitudeGames..
Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally.
Lasára is mom to two amazing daughters, and wife to Robert Allen, an outstanding man.
Gratitude increases health dramatically on all levels; there are health benefits to gratitude on the physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual levels. It’s been scientifically proven that the regular practice of gratitude can improve your level of overall happiness by 25%!
Practicing gratitude with your children encourages both humility and empowerment. It offers easy recognition of your family’s wealth and abundance – no matter your financial picture – and a desire to share that abundance with the world. ThisRaising Grateful Children teleclass recording teaches you how to inspire and instill the practice of gratitude in your child, while honoring her or his experience of life.
Cultivating and nurturing gratitude in our children is the beginning of a journey towards health, well-being, fulfillment, and generosity of spirit.
Gratitude offers benefits that range from the physical, to the psychological, to the spiritual, and affects both our inner and outer lives. Gratitude practice, in and of itself, bring us into creative co-creation with our day-to-day reality, our family and friends, the world, and colors our experience of all those things. Gratitude-colored glasses make everything look brighter!
In this look at why making a psychological and spiritual practice of gratitude in your family is such a good idea, we’ll just scratch the surface of some topics. For a deeper look into the pragmatics of the scientific angle, read The Science of Gratitude. For tips on creating more community- and service-based, interactive gratitude practice with your children, read 5 Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving. For ways to bring gratitude, and the practice of it, easily and joyfully into the life of your close community, see How to Host a Gratitude Gathering.
If you’re ready to delve deeper into the subject matter, you can find all these articles in one package in the Gratitude Games Pro package.
Physical health benefits of gratitude:
Gratitude cancels out stress.
When your kid is facing some kind of trouble at school, or feeling your stress when you’re stuck in traffic, or feeling guilty for having done something they were reprimanded for, just like any of us, they’ll start thinking about all the reasons it’s horrible that they’re in the circumstances they’re in. If they’re anything like my younger daughter, they’re also very likely to begin thinking of all the other times that a similar thing happened.
Thoughts flock together, “…like birds of a feather,” as my mom says. As your kid starts playing free-association with how bad things are, it’s easy enough for them to start thinking, feeling, or even saying, as kids are known to do, “Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?” The thought cycle in a vicious circle, and your kid is left standing, or sitting, stewing in their own stress, discomfort, or sadness. Often it ends in heartbroken tears.
All the while, stress chemicals are streaming through your child’s body. Now, in some cases stress can be a positive thing. Stress is designed to get us out of emergency situations. Stress makes it possible for us to run faster, jump higher, lift more weight than we normally could, see more clearly. Acute stress can heighten the senses, and our physical capabilities.
When stress chemicals – which produce what’s known as the “fight or flight response” – are put to use immediately, there’s nothing that can stand in for that jolt of dopamine, adrenaline, and noradrenaline, and cortisol – also known as “the stress hormone”. Getting out of mortal danger is the most extreme example. More often, it’s less intense moments that benefit by the stress response; making that last sprint in a race, or even (when well-prepared) stress can help you finish a test or an exam in record time, without losing accuracy. When prepared to use the process of stress to your advantage, it’s more than helpful; it can be the difference between life and death, success and failure, goal completion or falling short of those goals.
However, in the case of chronic stress there’s no benefit. Without fail, the negative effects of long-term stress ravage the system. Stress bad for the heart, anxiety levels, digestion, skin, sleep patterns, and more.
Most of us are not prepared to put stress to positive use. This is especially true for most children, who are sitting at desks with an abundance of energy that needs to be capped up daily and (ideally) used later. Often this in itself is a stressful situation. Add in the fight-or-flight stress chemicals crisis situations like regular pop-testing and exams, school-yard politics, and potential bullying produce, and you have a very little system on pretty major stress-overload.
When you notice stress creeping up on your child, you can help him or her gain resilience with many tools including relaxation techniques, positive visualization, and turning their attention towards gratitude. The refocus will allow your child’s system to cancel those stressful responses and turn towards a healthy thought process that leads to empowerment, focus, positivity, resilience, ease, and even joy.
This refocus is a practice, but the great thing about any practice is it that it gets easier over time. But like playing piano or becoming an athlete, or healing from stress or past trauma, there’s never a “best” – always a “better.” Healing is a process and a path. There is no final destination.
Gratitude heals the heart.
Less stress=healthier heart! Stress hormones wear the heart down. Gratitude is proven to stop the production of stress chemicals and to increase the body response that leads to – and is caused by – happiness. Why not choose a happy, healthy circle of emotional thought instead of that “vicious” one I mentioned before?
Gratitude makes your body “happy”.
Gratitude is known to increase enthusiasm, alertness, determination, and other happy, positive, empowered feelings. Happy feelings lead to happy hormones and chemicals. Happy chemicals lead to a happy physiology. Happy leads to happy, basically. Start where you are, and grow your happiness, bit by bit.
Gratitude is a highly effective way to increase the happiness in your life. In fact, a study conducted in 2003 found that the regular practice of gratitude increases happiness by 25%. This fact can be seen as both a physiological and psychological benefit of gratitude, so it’s really a great place to jump to the next category of benfits; psychological benefits.
Psychological Benefits of Gratitude:
Gratitude allows us to repattern what we expect.
Whatever we pay attention to gets bigger. This is one area where we can absolutely count on a “return on investment.” Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want.” If you think about that statement, you will begin understanding why reconditioning what we expect is so important.
To illustrate this point, think of a search engine like Google. Say you don’t know how a search engine works. You type the first thoughts that come to mind into the search box. Say those thoughts are poverty, war, despair. And you get page after page of hits, all showing how awful the world is.
This is very much how our thought process works. The thoughts that are the first to arise when we think of things we want, things we need, even things we’ve experienced in the past, we create an expectation of what we’ll find or experience next. One of my mentors says, “We don’t get what we want, we get what we expect.” That’s where the whole praying for something we don’t want analogy comes in. my reverend says, “If you spend five minutes a day praying for what we want, and the rest of our 24 hours in a day worrying we won’t get it, which do you think wins out?”
Negative in, negative out. We walk through the world predicting what will happen next, and we notice how our experience almost always delivers exactly what we expected to find.
There’s no big magical “secret” about it; you notice what you’re prepared to notice. If there is any sort of secret, it’s this; the hidden truth is that every moment holds a potentially infinite number of possible outcomes. You wil choose the one that allows you to be most right, stay most comfortable in your assumptions, and reliably predict your future experiences. This is often referred to as “staying in your comfort zone.”
Even when you think you want the opposite of what you keep predicting, expecting, and experiencing, the world delivers it – merely because it’s what you are more prepared to notice. And, noticing that which confirms your expectations makes you – you guessed it – comfortable.
Birds of a feather flock together; thoughts travel in packs.
Instead of investing in the possible negative outcome of your fears, gratitude helps you notice the good iny our life. And by noticing the things you’re grateful for – instead of steeling yourself against your fears – you seek, and find, more and more to be grateful for.
This is not only an amazingly liberating experience for you; it’s also wonderful modeling for your children. Moods are contagious. Habits are contagious. So is gratitude.
Gratitude may reduce the likelihood of depression.
Gratitude leads to a happier, healthier life. People who practice gratitude, or to whom gratitude comes naturally, have been found to have larger networks of support, and a more full life.
One risk is what psychologists call “hedonic adaptation.” Hedonic adaptation is a fancy term that means that we get used to the things that initially excite us. That’s why it’s important to always step-up your practice of gratitde. Just like building a muscle, learning how to play an instrument, or becoming more healthy, there’s always room for a new level of commitment and development.
The good news about adaptation is that it also happens with negative experiences, like loss, trauma, or any kind of emotional or physical pain. Over time, we get used to the state we’re in. Gratitude can help with the adaptation even more easily. Finding gratitude for the negative experiences we’ve experienced in our lives can speed the process of recovery from any kind of traumatic or painful experience.
Gratitude is linked with forgiveness, which is linked with healing from emotional scars.
Forgiveness is a key to recovery from psychological or emotional injury. Forgiveness may occur purely inside of yourself – through therapy, meditation, compassion exercises, prayer, or other practices – or through interaction with the one or ones that have been involved in any wounding you have experienced. The act of forgiving – yourself, as well as anyone else who has hurt you – allows you to grow through, and past, the pain.
Spiritual Benefits of Gratitude:
Gratitude opens the heart to the good in any situation, and the good in humanity.
When we begin seeing good in our experience, it’s easy to see it in others, and in their experience. Gratitude can lead to more trusting interactions, which lead to more experiences to be grateful for. It’s the act of noticing the good that already exists that allows the good to flourish in our lives, and in the world.
Gratitude offers solace in times of tragedy.
When heartbroken, finding the good in our experience can be a challenge. However, just as gratitude heals the actual tissue of our actual heart, gratitude can also heal the metaphorical heart, as well.
When we find gratitude for a lesson learned, we begin to heal. When we find gratitude for the influence a lost love has had on our lives, we can heal from the loss.
Gratitude refocuses your path to the greater good.
Gratitude grows in the act of spreading, and it’s contagious, just like any state, or mood is. When we see how much good there is in our experience, it becomes easy and pleasurable to create more good in the world.
Resources:
Easy to understand and comprehensive explanation of stress: http://www.mtstcil.org/skills/stress-definition-1.html
The science of stress: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catecholamine
Cortisol and stress, positive and negative: http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/cortisol.htm
What is cortisol, and stress management: http://stress.about.com/od/stressmanagementglossary/g/Cortisol.htm
Easy guide to stress that will help kids, teens, and parents learn both positive and negative, and what to do about stress when it becomes chronic: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/stress.html
Women and stess, including PTSD: http://www.medic8.com/healthguide/articles/stress.html
Gratitude> stress. (Gratitude cancels stress): http://www.realage.com/the-you-docs/you-being-beautiful/a-few-ways-to-appreciate-and-share-your-gifts
Emotional contagion: if you smile you feel happy. If you smile, others smile back. And then THEY fell happy, too. Mood and Emotional Contagion: http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Emotional_contagion
Hedonic adatation: http://www.voxeu.org/index.php?q=node/910
Quitting smoking is contagious: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/108373.php
“Are Your Friends Making You Fat?”, NY Times Sunday Magazne: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/magazine/13contagion-t.html
Heart research, including the neurology of stress -or “the brain of the heart”: www.heartmath.org
Gratitude and health, theory and scientific basis: www.acfnewsource.org/religion/gratitude_theory.html
Physical, emotional, spiritual benefits of gratitude, positive psychology, economics and gratitude, gifting and gratitude, spirituality and health, emotional understanding of children, forgiveness, greatfulness – the heart of prayer – Harpham, Aafke Elizabeth Komter, Michael E. McCullough, Solomon Schimmel, Charles M. Shelton, S. J., Brother David Steindl-Rast, O.S.B.: http://www.templeton.org/humble_approach_initiative/Gratitude/
When funds are tight, giving reminds us of how much we have, and how fortunate we are.
While coming face-to-face with money problems can be a challenging experience, being able to do something about it is a saving grace. Especially or children, a sense of empowerment is a key factor to viewing the global situation of “have and have-not” with compassion instead of fear.
The power to create solutions, even in small ways, is both a learning opportunity, and a healing act that serves both giver and receiver. Generosity is a balm that soothes the soul.
With our nation in the grasp of some hard financial times, many of us are holding back on the consumptive aspect of our former lifestyles.
What better way than giving, to remind us what we’ve got?
1. Cull/weed household belongings and take them to the local shelter, women’s center, or philanthropic thrift store.
An easy starting point to cultivating generosity in your family is to cull or weed your belongings. While you get rid of household items, suggest that your kids do the same with their things. Have them decide what they’re willing to part with to help a kid in need.
Call your local shelter and see what they need, and what they’re willing to take. If you’re flush you can throw in some new items like toiletries and such. The shelter will be grateful.
Boys Playing with Supply Dolly, Al Arroub Refugee Camp, West Bank, Palestine.
If your kids are ready for the experience, they may want to participate in the delivery of items, too. When my older daughter was 11, she asked me to bring her with me on a drop off.
We took our piles of clothes and toys to a local “free store” for struggling and homeless families. She still talks about how rewarding it felt to participate in the gifting. I’m sure it will be a memory she holds for life.
2. Host a Potlatch and take all leftover items to the charity or service of your choice.
The potlatch ceremony is also called a give-away. Potlatch comes from the indigenous people of the Pacific Northwest coastline. In a potlatch, you give away your belongings as a celebration of your abundance.
In north-western native culture, the potlatch consisted of every home in the village putting belongings outside for the taking. The one who GAVE the most, as opposed to the family who had the most, gained the highest status in the community.
In native culture, this ceremony was undertaken for many reasons. All of them had to do with the redistribution of wealth. Wealth was not only measured in belongings, though. Not everyone in the community had material possessions to offer, and some offered dances or songs instead. These offerings were just as valued.
Invite your friends to bring belongings to offer, and to take what they need from what others are giving away.
In addition to being an achingly beautiful traditional ceremony, this is a great way to reduce your carbon footprint. A give-away is a way to reduce waste, clean out storage and closets, and it saves each participant the money, time, and by-product of a shopping trip, by way of new-to-them belongings.
At the end of the potlatch, invite your friends to leave all extra items, and take them to your local shelter or favorite charity.
3. Help your kid come up with ways to help humanity.
Food drives, clothing drives, penny drives, quilt drives, coat drives, and more. There are so many ways to help. What are some creative ways your child can come up with to gather resources together and offer them to those less fortunate?
For maximum impact on your kids’ sense of service, allow them to offer ideas, and do your best to support them. The more empowered your kid is to participate in grateful giving, the more organic and integrated the experience becomes.
One year my older daughter decided to bring her change jar – a huge pickle jar with a good start on coins – to her classroom for a change drive. Start to finish, it was completely her idea.
She wasn’t sure where the coins would go once the jar was full. With a little encouragement from me, she decided that her classmates will all bring suggestions of different local charities or services, and the class as a whole will decide together where the money will go.
I suggested that she choose the parameters; local, national, international? And other guidelines; a charity, a service, a fund? Buy items with the money and give them directly to the shelter? There are so many options.
The by-product of this course of action was that my daughter and her classmates researched the local charities and services, and learned about the network of support that they could plug into to offer service.
4. Offer service at your local soup kitchen.
Our local soup kitchen offers a family lunch service before the general lunch. While the general service might be a little risky to take kids to, the family meal is a great way for kids to put a face on those they’re helping.
Ask the kitchen if you can bring a dish, or home made cookies or something easy. Your child’s sense of accomplishment and generosity will be even larger if they’ve had a hand in creating the food they’re offering out.
5. Want to make it international, yet very personal? Microfinancing is a great option!
Microfinancing is a great way to involve your family in the international picture of wealth distribution, resources, and generosity. Getting into microfinancing is a great opportunity to talk to your kids about currencies, and
New recreation center in Arroub Refugee Camp, West Bank, Palestine, 2009. All Funding from International Donors.
how an American dollar goes a lot farther in a third-world country.
It’s also a great opportunity to illustrate the dire financial conditions in other countries, while still illustrating the fact that we are not powerless to create change.
Your family is unlikely to be able to fund an ecologically sound start-up for a poverty stricken American family. But, for example, $150 goes a long way in the Philippines. The listing below is from Kiva.org:
“Vicenta Duron is 52 years old … She tills a small parcel of land, which she inherited from her father. Her life is in farming and she loves growing crops, especially rice. …Vicenta needs a loan of $125 to purchase sacks of certified seed and fertilizers. She also plans to open a store where she can sell her farm produce, and increase her profits to support her family.”
-Kiva.org loan request
Kiva.org is designed so you can choose the project you most want to fund. And, you can make a loan of any amount and contribute to a larger fund, or choose a smaller one and make the whole loan yourselves.
Lasára Allen, MPNLP, is a game designer (www.GratitudeGames.com), author, educator, and coach. She helps clients find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She teaches and coaches internationally. Lasára is Mom to two amazing daughters, and wife to Robert Allen, an outstanding man. Find more of Lasára’s writing at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and more about Lasára’s gratitude projects at http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
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Robert (the Mr.) just went out to meet the fedEx guy…I thought it was the Mr’s second cashmere sweater (wine colored v-neck! First was a black, double weight), a late delivery from Santa…
But he comes back in and says, “It’s a box of macho.” I was like, “What?” He says “It’s a box of macho for you.” I look up and it’s this big box of my new training supplements. (Chuckle!) YAY!!! New supplements.
The “box of macho” coment I’m pretty sure was due to the big old
“BODY
BUILDING.COM”
logo all over the box. (BTW, I HIGHLY recommend this site. It has a section for tracking your progress and building community support, and and the store has the best rates I’ve found for supplementation.)
Ah, feels like the old days. I never went pro with body building, but this race is inspiring me to some good, happy reminders of my youth. But I’m telling you, even at (only) 38, taking something like this (my half-marathon in April) on is a big deal. And the supplements are going to help. A lot. I hope.
One more supplement possibly needed: glucosamine for my joints. Although, I’ve done research also on increasing collagen production, also really good for the joints, tendons, ligaments AND skin elasticity (a major “mom” concern, as well as age and hormonal changes in women). The research I’ve found says Vit C + lysine is the best combo to allow your body to naturally synthesize collagen.
The supplements I’m starting with:
Glutamine helps with recovery, and is an easy energy source. It’s actually a really amazing amino acid.
This is my training updates page. And here’s the beginning of my training story:
Update, day two of training: Running with Elk
Completed the scheduled three miles! I had my appendectomy just over a month ago – and haven’t run in well over a month. Even before the appendectomy, I had fallen off the running wagon for a few weeks.
Today I took my run in the cold rain. (Not cold at all after the first half mile, though!) Something super cool that I just learned form my new favorite magazine, Runner’s World came in handy; chocolate milk is apparently the best after run drink – better than those sports drinks. Mmmm, hot cocoa after a wet run! And then a bath. Nice.
An added bonus from my lovely country home; on my run this evening, I saw seven elk. The largest had a 7-prong rack, the smallest two. They ran with me. Stopped when I stopped. Ran when I ran. We stared at each other. Eye contact with animals that huge is cool.
So I looked up the elk Totemic meaning here and here. Some relevant bits:
Elk are seldom seen alone, preferring to live in large herds. (I prefer to train with large herds!) This does not mean they don’t need some personal space. (I love running by myself, too.) An elk’s incredible stamina enables them to run for long periods of time, while their strong reflexes allow them quick response to anything in their path. Elk’s regal demeanor reminds us that if we are confident, we can claim our Empowerment. It teaches us to maintain and protect ourselves by taking time out. Elk realizes it is important to remain closely connected with community, and be observant of subtle energies. -AnimalTotem.com
Stamina, Strength, Nobility. An Elk totem teaches you how to pace yourself. You might not be the first to arrive, but you will arrive without burning out. Don’t try for quick and easy; long and steady is the key to reaching your goals. If you have an Elk totem, you will feel the need for companionship or group support. You do not have to do everything alone, help is out there waiting for you if you just ask for it.
-LindsDomain.com
Some excellent medicine for the beginning of training for my race! Thank you, elk!
Artwork courtesy of Jim Stuart (copyrighted)
***
Now that the elk have made themselves known as the guardians of this training and race experience, I am sure I can do it. I only have to pay attention to my body, keep it slow and steady, and share with my community. That’s YOU!
Come here to check out my (ideally daily) training reports in the comments area. Some will have stories lie this one, some will be very grounded in the physical, like weigh-ins, measurements, and half marathon and full marathon training program adherence reports.
Are you also training? Feel free to post your progress reports. It’s always more fun with a group – the more the merrier!
The one responsibility of the bodhisattva is to not cause suffering.
The one commitment of the bodhisattva is to love all beings pervading space and time, regardless of any beings ability to return, or even receive, that love.
We’ve all been in situations where we have offered love to someone unwilling to return that love – for instance, we still love our child, even when in the a rage of differentiation she yells, “I hate you, Mom!”. We often call this unconditional love.
Those of you who have made a practice of cultivating compassion have probably intentionally cultivated love for someone who has withdrawn their love, or someone who doesn’t agree with out beliefs or lifestyle, and therefore, at least on a hypothetical level, does not want your love. These maybe political or historical figures. Or they may be estranged family.
My largest break through in the depth and breadth of this commitment was when I realized that *I* was one of those beings pervading time and space, that deserved the love of my bodhisattva self, even when I was incapable of returning, or even receiving that love.
That it was the responsibility of my awakened self to address suffering, and the root of suffering, in my own life. It was my commitment, in my awakened heart, to cultivate loving compassion for my “imperfect” self – the one that was attaching to, and therefore being the cause of, my own suffering.
Sound tricky? Well, it is, and it isn’t.
This is a great practice for days when your heart feels stuck or bruised, you’re feeling a lack of self-love, or are feeling unable to forgive yourself for some past or present participation in the creation of suffering; that of yourself or another.
The ironic part of holding on to the guilt of being a cause of suffering, is that we continue to cause suffering through our attachment to the guilt!
It is not the negative emotion that causes the suffering. Nor is it the act that caused the suffering itself – whatever that act may be – that causes the suffering. The attachment to the suffering, in any form, is the root of the cause of suffering.
Truly, attachment to joy or pleasure, or any emotional state, is the root of the cause of suffering, but addressing that is a practice for another essay.
The way I’ve come to see it, the true work of the bodhisattva is to release ourselves from suffering, and the attachment to suffering. To engender the attitudes of enlightenment, and slowly, overtime, become proficient; and to do this work for the benefit of all beings.
Here’s the practice, in three easy (or sometimes, not so easy) parts.
Part I: Two Ways of Generating Pure, Compassionate Love
1. Commit to the thought of not being the cause of suffering to yourself, or others. Release attachment to any suffering that has been caused in the past, by you or any being, or may be caused in the future. Release attachment to suffering itself.
a. Commit to pure, compassionate love for all beings pervading time and space. Start generating this love by feeling it in your body, if possible, and then growing that love with each breath.
b. Some times this approach may be out of reach, so instead, imagine some being you love easily – your child, your pet, your beloved, your best friend – enveloped in a soft, glowing bubble of your compassionate love for them. Breath by breath, grow this love until it fills your whole sense of time and space.
Part II: Recognize That You Are a Being That Deserves Your Love, Whether You Can Return, Or Even Accept, That Love.
1. Once you’ve filled all of time and space with your love, recognize that you are a being already released from suffering. That you are enveloped in your own pure, compassionate love. And in being filled and surrounded by your compassion, you are surrounded by the impartial, unconditional, compassionate love of all time and space.
There is no separation between You – the bodhisattva, that awakened being generating this love – and you, the self sitting and being held in it, regardless of your ability to return, or receive, that pure love. That love unattached to anything you think you have been, or think you may be. Anything you think you have done, or think you will do.
2. Allow that pure compassion, unattached to any outcome or past experience, to hold you securely in the awareness that you are already fully present. Fully perfect. Fully awake. Fully free from suffering, and the attachment to suffering.
Part III: Release Attachment to the Practice Itself
1. Stay in this state for as long as you are able, without clinging to it. Attachment to joy, pleasure, or comfort are also the root of suffering. Be present, not attached.
2. If you lose your way in the practice, return to the place in the practice where you became distracted. Perhaps there is some work there to move through. Or, perhaps you just got distracted. Or, perhaps there is a part of you that’s unwilling to receive that love that is being generated. Don’t attach! Move fluidly to the points of the exercise that are within reach, and continue working towards compassionate love for all beings.
3. If tears come, let them come. And let them go. If laughter comes, let it come, and let it go. If euphoria comes, let is also go. If pain comes, let it arise, and release. Let yourself be exactly as you are, exactly where you are. Cultivate compassion for every emotion that arises, and then release it.
4. Don’t forget to breathe.
May this act, and all acts, be dedicated to the liberation and awakening of all beings. Bodhi svaha.
I dedicate these works, and all works, to the unfolding of awareness. May this act serve me, as it serves all beings, through the revelation of awareness. May my increasing awakening to presence serve to bring awareness of presence to all beings throughout space and time. So it is.
OM TARE TUTARE TURE MAMA AYURPUNYE JNANA PUTIN KURU SVAHA.
bodhisattva n.Buddhism
An enlightened being who, out of compassion, forgoes nirvana in order to save others.
[Sanskrit bodhisattvaḥ, one whose essence is enlightenment : bodhiḥ, perfect knowledge + sattvam, essence, being (from sat-, existing).]
- Answers.com
This Page Offers A Sampling of Many Ways of Engaging with the Vow of the Bodhisattva
Translations vary, and so do modes of application. By reading about many, you will learn whether the vow resonaes with you, and if it does, in what ways you will find for engaging with the vow of the bodhisattva.
Just as all the previous Sugatas, the Buddhas/Generated the mind of enlightenment/And accomplished all the stages/Of the Bodhisattva training,/So will I too, for the sake of all beings,/Generate the mind of enlightenment/And accomplish all the stages/Of the Bodhisattva training.[3]
”
Berzin (1997: unpaginated) links the mindstream to the bodhisattva vows:
The promise to keep bodhisattva vows applies not only to this life, but to each subsequent lifetime until enlightenment. Thus these vows continue on o
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You will see much more about all of this very soon, with donation links and sponsorship options all sorted out VERY soon.
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