Category Archives: Moving Beyond the Gender Wars

4th Wave Feminism: Welcome to the Big Tent

Posted on by
Reply

If feminism is to survive, and thrive, it’s time for the term “feminism” to become more broad and inclusive. It would best serve the 4th wave (if there is to be a 4th wave) to claim the motto, “You are a feminist if you say you are a feminist.” No other requirements.

This would mean hijab-wearing feminists, “grizzly mama” feminists, Libertarian feminists, Anarchist feminists, male feminists, stay-at-home-mom (or dad) feminists, CEO feminists, liberal feminists, conservative feminists, trans feminists, queer feminists.

It would mean that feminism would no longer have the “single-issue” solidarity that it currently has around a woman’s right to choice. But who am I – who are you, or any of us – to decide what one issue defines feminism?

Is a Catholic mom in Guatemala who is fighting for healthcare for the women and children in her village less than a feminist because she is not pro-choice? Is a Muslim woman who fights for her right to WEAR a hijab less a feminist than one who is campaigning for her right not to? Is a sex worker campaigning for decriminalization of sex work less a feminist than a woman who is an advocate for women *forced* into prostitution?

My answer is unequivocal; they are all equally feminist.

Feminism cannot be circumscribed to issues that are idealized. Feminism, if it is to become a global movement – and all movements that are going to thrive in the “information age” are going to globalize or perish – will have to open it’s doors, become less judgmental, and include every voice.

In first wave feminism, radical feminists like Emma Goldman, Victoria Claflin Woodhull, and many others were told their ideas and issues (the right to own property, the right to divorce, the right to wear pants – no joke!) would marginalize the suffrage movement.

In early second wave feminism, lesbians were told that the politics of sexual choice had no place at the feminist table, and that feminism would be marginalized by the radicalism of identity politics.

Third wave feminism was all about identity politics, but the hard-edge of third wave feminism had its own judgments and proclamations about who could – and could not – validly call themselves a feminist. Stay-at-home-moms weren’t “true” feminists. The trans community was marginalized because of the complexity of gender issues. Traditionalists (women who got married and took their husband’s last names, or stood in support roles to the men in their lives) weren’t allowed to claim the title of “feminist”.

We (mostly white, mostly “educated”, mostly intellectual, mostly kinda “Ivory Tower” in our ways) can’t afford to attempt to define feminism for the women of the world any longer. More importantly, why would we want to? Our ethnocentric biases have gotten us into enough trouble as it is.

Maybe it’s time to fight amongst ourselves less, and listen more. Maybe out of the dischord will arise a chorus. Perhaps all the voices will find a way to be heard, and the areas that don’t gain total consensus agreement are not the actual issues that the global reach of feminism needs, at this moment, as a whole, to be facing. I feel certain that, on a global level, there are more pressing matters than the ones we as a movement have so far chosen to focus on.

I believe there are as many feminist ideologies as there are feminists. How else do we check “credentials”? Perhaps the words will suffice; I say I am a feminist, therefore I am a feminist.

A New Generation of Fathers – A Shout-Out to the New Dad

Posted on by

I know very few peers who were raised by both parents. I have very many peers whose fathers were at best absent, and at worst abusive. Though really, abandonment leaves scars nearly as readily as any other kind of abuse does.

Most of us lived through our parent’s divorces as kids. Divorce is as prevalent as it was when I was a child, but there is a new pattern emerging in this generation.

Now we have a new generation of fathers; this is the New Dad.

In my generation, Generation X, the ending of the first marriage (called a “starter marriage” by a friend), feels almost like a rite of passage into true adulthood.

But this generation is writing a new story about what happens after divorce. The New Dads grew up in houses mostly absent of any stable father figure. These men are doing their part in authoring this new ending-as-beginning; they’re sticking around. Even more impressively, they’re working with their baby-mommas to make it possible to co-parent with as much peace and agreement as possible.

This isn’t always an easy task. After all, divorces happen for a reason. Couples grow apart.

Divorce is a more acceptable option for our generation than it was for our parents’ generation. Staunch “family values” types would likely cite this as a proof of a cultural failing.

I prefer to look at the positive side, and say that perhaps because divorce has become more culturally prevalent, and overtime more socially acceptable, it’s become a less destructive option.

As a generation born in the midst of the divorce boom, we learned at least two things thoroughly; divorce is often the right choice (it certainly was in the case of my mom and dad), and divorce is potentially much harder on the kids than it is on the adults involved.

Out of this awareness, we’ve learned 1., that there’s no shame in calling it quits before a functional relationship with the ex is out of the question, and 2., the needs of the kids should always out weigh any pettiness on the part of the adults.

And the New Dad is a product of the divorce boom as well – by merit of the fact that this man was most likely raised primarily (if not exclusively) by his mother. While this is not in all ways a good thing, there are positives that are present.

While the absence of a father figure in a man’s life can lead to confusion about what it means to be a dad, there are a few elements working in the positive, and producing some really beautiful fathering by the men of generations X and Y.

By and large, men raised by their mamas have a lot of respect for the work their moms did to keep them happy, healthy, and taken care of growing up. And, using the absence of their fathers (or in worse cases, the abuse) as an example of how NOT to parent, these New Dads are making new choices.

The New Dad is nurturing, involved, sensitive and engaged with his children. After a separation, this New Dad works hard to create a healthy co-parenting relationship with his ex. In the best case, this manifests as a sense of extended family. In less ideal circumstances, it comes down to putting aside disagreements with the ex in order to create the most positive co-parenting relationship possible.

In the absence of a positive father figure, it’s almost as if the New Dad is starting over with a clean slate. And with that slate in front of him, the New Dad is taking out the sidewalk chalk and sitting down with his kids to draw a brand new image of what being a father means.

Here’s a shout out to all the New Dads; Happy Father’s Day, and THANKS FOR BEING YOU!

For more about kids of divorce, read this cool piece at NPR!

Outrageous Roots and a Bright Future; Sex and Feminism

Posted on by

Reprinted from Gauntlet Magazine, 1999, edited 10/2008, very partial edit, 3/2010, edit, 3/25/2010Victoria Claflin Woodhull, mrs. satan

Neo-Feminism:

I call myself a neo-feminist rather than a post-feminist. Post-feminist implies that feminism may indeed be dead, as was the cultural myth for a while (still under debate?) whereas the term neo-feminist illustrates that the movement is vital, alive, evolving.

The term post-feminist gives the impression, however subtle, that there is nothing of feminism to save. To the contrary; there is not just one legacy of feminism to own, but many. Even the “Radical Feminism” of the ‘70s has left us with growth to salvage. Yes, with many attitudes to discard as well. But let’s not call it a waste of time.

It has never been easy to be a trail-blazer. There is a lot of self doubt, and the need for an almost religious fervor.

Our Roots: The Marginalized Feminist Legacy

Victoria Claflin Woodhull

One of the least remembered yet most astounding feminists of all time, Victoria Claflin Woodhull was the first woman to run for the Presidency of the United States of America. In the election of 1872, nearly 50 years before women even had the vote and generations ahead of her time, Ms. Woodhull ran a Presidential campaign with a male Vice-Presidential running mate.

In 1870 she announced her campaign. This excerpt is from a notice placed in the Herald:

While others of my sex devoted themselves to a crusade against the laws that shackle the women of the country, I asserted my individual independence…While others sought to show that there was no valid reason why a woman should be treated…as a being inferior to man, I boldly entered the arena of politics and business and exercised the rights I already possessed. I therefore claim the right to speak for the unenfranchised women of the country and…I now announce myself as a candidate for the Presidency.
Victoria Claflin Woodhull, from Barbara Goldsmith’s Other Powers, pp. 212

With her sister Tennessee Claflin Victoria ran an investment firm on Wall Street, and together they published a newspaper that caused much ruckus. Ms. Woodhull was a strong pro-sex feminist, and was vilified in the media of the day, even to the extent of being titled “Mrs. Satan” in a political cartoon. This was in 1872. Victoria Claflin Woodhull was a suffragist, a firm believer in equality of the sexes, and a champion of “free love.”

“Of all the radical ideas then current, free love was the most controversial. It represented the ultimate expression of female liberation and profoundly threatened a male-dominated society.”
Barbara Goldsmith, Other Powers, pp. 139

Victoria, after a somewhat brief yet intensely tumultuous rise to the forefront of the women’s movement, was shunned and abandoned by her community. She ended her days a “proper matron” in England.

Emma Goldman

On the heels of Victoria, Emma Goldman gained notoriety. “Red Emma” as she was called (regardless of the fact that she was not a member of the communist party) is one of the most famous anarchists in American History. Like Ms. Woodhull, Ms. Goldman was also devoted to free love, and to the right of women to control their own fertility and destiny.
At the tender age of 20, Emma was the survivor of a miserably failed marriage. Already disillusioned, she claimed her freedom from that time forth.

“…I had seen enough of the horrors of married life in my own home. Father’s harsh treatment of mother, the constant wrangles and and bitter scenes that ended in mother’s fainting spells…Together with my own marital experiences they had convinced me that binding people for life was wrong…
“If ever I love a man again, I will give myself to him without being bound by the rabbi or the law,” I declared, “and when that love dies, I will leave without permission.”
Living My Life, Emma Goldman, pp. 36

The year was 1887. Though Emma did marry again, she also divorced again. She stayed true to her vow of freedom, loved honestly, passionately, and often. On occasion, she took more than one lover concurrently.

Emma did not claim feminism as her battle; she was viciously devoted to equal rights for all. In her autobiography she wrote:

“…I was invited (to speak) by the Women’s City Club. Five hundred members of my sex, from the deepest red to the dullest grey, came to hear me speak on “Feminism.” They could not excuse my critical attitude towards the bombastic and impossible claims of the suffragists as to the wonderful things they would do when they got political power. They branded me as an enemy of women’s freedom, and club-members stood up and denounced me.
The incident reminded me of a similar occasion when I had lectured on woman’s inhumanity to man. Always on the side of the under dog, I resented my sex’s placing every evil at the door of the male. I pointed out that if he were really as great a sinner as he was being painted by the ladies, woman shared the responsibility with him. The mother is the first influence in his life, the first to cultivate his conceit and self-importance… Woman is naturally perverse, I argued… she idolizes in him the very traits that help to enslave her — his strength, his egotism, and his exaggerated vanity. The inconsistencies of my sex keep the poor male dangling between the idol and the brute, the darling and the beast, the helpless child and the conqueror of the worlds. It is really woman’s inhumanity to man that makes him what he is. when she has learned to be as self-centered and as determined as he, when she gains the courage to delve into life as he does and pay the price for it, she will achieve her liberation, and incidentally help him become free. Whereupon my woman hearers would rise up against me and cry: “You’re a man’s woman and not one of us.”
Living My Life, Emma Goldman, pp. 556-557

Emma was an anarchist and a humanist. Aside from her ceaseless crusading for freedom for all, she worked as a nurse and midwife to the poor in New York. She was arrested for a great many things in her life. Among her offenses was providing birth control supplies and advice to poverty stricken women, and lecturing openly on the same issues while the Comstock Law was in effect. Ms. Goldman was deported to Russia in 1919 for having opposed the military draft, along with 248 other Americans.

Margaret Sanger

In the book Herstory (edited by Ruth Ashby and Deborah Gore Ohrn), Margaret Sanger is hailed as the founder of “the American birth control movement.” She wrote articles about birth control, one of which was declared obscene under the Comstock Law.

Beginning in 1914 Ms. Sanger produced a newspaper called Woman Rebel that was devoted to the issue of birth control and sex education. For this, she was arrested. She left the country on the eve of her trial, and spent a year in Europe researching family planning methods used in other countries.

Upon her return to the states Sanger’s former charges were dropped. In 1916, in Brooklyn, New York, Ms. Sanger (with the assistance of her sister) opened the first birth control clinic in America. Margaret and her sister were arrested and charged with creating a “public nuisance.” The publicity helped Sanger’s cause, and eventually the law was changed in New York to allow doctors to offer birth control information for “the cure and prevention of disease.”

In 1921 Sanger organized the American Birth Control League, later known as the Planned Parenthood Federation of America. She worked tirelessly to overturn the Comstock Law, and devoted her life to establishing reproductive rights for women. By 1938 more than 80 birth control clinics were operating in the United States. In 1936 the Comstock Law was reinterpreted to allow for the mailing of contraceptives. By 1937 the American Medical Association recommended that contraception be taught in medical schools, and that birth control methods be researched.

After more than 50 years of devotion to her life-long cause, Margaret Sanger died of heart failure in an Arizona Nursing home. The year was 1960.

The Feminist Battle For Respect from the Mainstream

Every movement hits a point where there are internal battles over the best way to get recognition and respect, over how to be “taken seriously.” In the feminist movement this has over and over again culminated in the ostracization of whole groups of women. Each generation of feminism has had its bogey-woman, scape goat, “other” one. The message the movement has been trying to send out, wave after wave, is “We are not as bad as you think.” In the ‘70s and early ‘80s the delineating line was that lesbianism was not a feminist issue.

We all use examples of what we are not to define and illustrate what we are, and in this case, mainstream feminism wanted to be accepted by the middle class. Lesbianism was too “out there” of an issue to talk about without intimidating those who held dear the status quo.

Sharing my ideas about the second stage with the feminist network in Kansas City in April 1981, I was asked by a troubled sister: …”…why don’t you talk more about gay families?”…
“Because it twists the focus to sexual politics.” I said. “It gets mixed up with the reaction against the female role, and threatens people who feel sex should be private and are mixed up about it themselves…”
”But what about Lesbians?” she persisted.
“That’s sex,” I said, “not politics. Or it should be…”
Betty Friedan, The Second Stage, pp. 318-319

Lesbian needs are still fighting for a place at the feminist table. The lesbian movement, and I’m not just referring to the separatist movement, is still marginalized.
In the ‘90s the issue that has caused a major split in the feminist movement is the issue of Pornography, and even sex in general. This split is so pronounced that Katherine McKinnon, a well-known, strongly anti-porn feminists, refuses to speak at the same events — or even have writing presented in the same written works — as Nadine Strossen, former director of the ACLU and author of Defending Pornography.

“…This strategy is a consistent strategy of McKinnon and her allies. They want to convey the impression that they speak for all women, and more,…for all traditionally disempowered groups. Therefore they uniformly refuse to debate me, or other women who have different perspectives on these issues. “…McKinnon and some of her supporters also go much further in shirking an exchange of views with other women or women’s rights advocates, refusing even to appear at the same conference or participate in the same project with any who dare to express disagreement with them….
“Just a couple weeks ago I…happened to learn of one such incident. A professor at the University of Virginia…is writing a text book for colleges on various civil liberties issues, including the censorship of Pornography…He wanted to include excerpts from some of my writings and some of McKinnon’s. But when McKinnon heard that some of my printed words would, heaven forbid, be included in the same book as some of her printed words, she had a tantrum and she told (the professor) that he would have to choose; either her words or mine. He refused to withdraw my piece,… she therefore pulled hers..
“…(And) several years ago…the National Association of Women Judges…abruptly retracted a speaking engagement I had to address their National convention without telling me why…Through a series of coincidences I later discovered it was because McKinnon had also been invited to speak at the convention.
“I want to underscore that this was not set up as a debate between the two of us … but the problem from her perspective was even that both of us would be appearing — at different times, on different days — before the very same convention.
“…Once it came to light and was confirmed that that was indeed the reason why my invitation had been retracted — and investigative reporters shed the light on that — one of the organizing judges was quoted (in the New York Times) as saying “The general feeling was that McKinnon would be less than pleased to be on the program with Strossen, so we had no choice.”
Nadine Strossen, from her keynote address at the World Pornography Conference in Los Angeles, Aug. ‘98

Strossen also points out that the “McDworkin” agenda (named for Andrea Dworkin and Katherine McKinnon) goes beyond just the pornography issue. This anti-sex (“Victorian” in the words of Nina Hartly, Porn Star/feminist extroirdinaire) view of and response to sex has implications ranging far beyond the porn/censorship issue. In this radical/traditional sector of the feminist movement, sex has become an issue of rape, intercourse itself a metaphor for female inequality.

The Feminist Underground

The outlook has been not so good for feminism. Just last year Time magazine ran a front cover that trumpeted the question “Is Feminism Dead?” And a good many of us at times have felt ready to abandon the title, if not the fight. Yet that which adapts survives; a new feminism is alive and well in the sex-positive community. I have never met so many amazing women (and fewer, but just as refreshing, men) who are breathing vitality back into feminism in one place as I did at the World Pornography Conference, which took place August of ‘98 in Los Angeles.

I have also seen prime examples of this new and fearless form of feminism in other places; in the adult entertainment community, and also, perhaps especially, among younger women, who (inspired by heroes like Madonna, and even the Spice Girls) aren’t afraid of flaunting their sexuality, nor of defending themselves from unwanted responses. The younger generation “gets it” in a way that the older does not, perhaps cannot.

Just because someone is beautiful, doesn’t mean that they’re being beautiful for public consumption; just because someone is sexy doesn’t mean they’re on the market.
Aurelea Kaitlyn River, Green Egg Magazine, issue 131

I say fearless feminism, because this new feminist genre is based not in the propagation of the myth of victimization, the idea that all woman are victims, all sex (between a man and a woman) is rape, but in the true strength and liberation of being who we are, who we want to be. This new feminism does not disallow and disavow lipstick and bras, but encourages a creative mix of sexy and strong, saucy and strident.

In this generation we have new models of strength to look to for guidance. Madonna (to me, the quintessential icon of neo-feminism) is not only a physically strong beauty, she also is a strong business woman, and a single mother by choice.

Single motherhood, in and of itself, is a beacon of the changes in social structure. Much of the stigma of being a single mom has been done away with, at least in parts of America. Though leaving the comfort/stability of a partnership or having a child alone is rarely an easy choice to make, women now know that we can survive on our own, that it may be a better option than waiting for the “perfect partner,” and certainly better than staying in a bad relationship.

Additionally, there is a whole generation of young men who have been raised by feminist mothers with a mind for equality. The social aspects of the feminist movement have taken hold in an almost covert manner. Female heads of house and “bread winners” are not at all unusual at this time and in this place. The assumptions have changed, the rules have shifted, and women, though paid less, are just as often employed; at least at the entry level.

Each generation is born with a new set of expectations for social interaction. We have come a long way, as a nation of people striving for personal freedom. We stand upon the accumulated accomplishments of our fore-bearers, the trail-blazers who were (and are) not afraid to live in their personal freedoms, or to give the freedom of the moment up in exchange for a grander, more complete and true freedom for generations to come.

Heat Up the Home-Fires and Reintroduce Romance – Everyday!

Posted on by

Sexy Loving CoupleFrom time to time the home-fires cool. Here are some sure-fire ways to raise the temperature in your personal temple of love!

Man or woman, we all love to loved. We love to be appreciated, showered in praise, listened to, noticed. We love being recognized and worshiped in little and big ways, quiet and loud ones.

Here are some simple steps to gently coaxing those glowing coals of desire to full flame.

1. Slow down!
Take time to notice the little things that your love does every day. The things you love. Bring a rosy blush to her cheeks. Make him grin over an everyday job well-done. Noticing the little things in life with gratitude and devotion will lead to a BIG sense of love and joy.

2. Be present!
Listen deeply. Look intently. Touch intimately. These moments of full presence make up for the hours of busy-with-life that happen in the flow of everyday day.

3. Touch more!
There’s always time for a deep kiss and a full hug on the way out the door, or even passing one another in the kitchen. If there’s not enough time for touch, it’s surely time to examine priorities.

4. Write Love Notes!
Write love notes and leave them everywhere. Stick them in purses, eyeglass cases, briefcases. Put them under or on pillows, in pockets, post them on your love’s profile page!

5. Leave Trinkets and Tokens!
Like love notes, everywhere is the right place to put trinkets and momentos. Whether a deeply significant momento, a little gift that reminds you of your love, or your love’s favorite treat, a little gesture goes a long way.

6. Tell Your Love What You Love!
Tell her you love it when she holds your hand. Tell him you love it when he kisses you in a street corner. Tell her you love it when she wears that. Tell him you love it “…right…THERE!” Tell her you love it when she touches you “…like…that!”

These little steps will lead right to a raise in temperature that’s bound to spike, with no drop in sight.

What Women Want – The Ten Secrets Every Husband, Lover, or Partner Needs to Know!

Posted on by

hot couple in loveA preface for the ladies;
Feel like you want your guy to know a few things about you? Like maybe what you want, and how you feel? If those things aren’t covered in this article, I invite you to write your own note to the man you love, and tell him about your top ten desires, dreams, wants, needs, or fantasies. It may become the beginning of an amazing, deepening, or even super-hot conversation.

However, if this list rings true for you, please share it with your man. I hope it brings you both to a place of pleasure, and deeper understanding.

Hey guys, I know you sometimes feel mystified by what is expected of, or desired from, you.
And it’s not like I can clear all that up in a few simple words. Hell, we’ve been working on this one since the dawn of time, I’m pretty sure.

But I’m also pretty sure we’re starting to get somewhere with all this. Men and women have never before had quite the opportunity we have right now to build a whole new way of relating. A new way, based on some pretty old truths, mixed with some brand-spankin’-new ideas.

I may be a dreamer, but I say there’s a chance that we can get past the wounding that you and I have both endured, and grow into shared desire, honesty, truth, and trust.

Here are a few steps to start you on your journey down that sometimes challenging, yet always rewarding, path. Pretend I’m your lady, and I’m talking to you.

Ready? Here are ten secret desires that may change your life forever.

Secret Desire # 1: Focus, or Presence:
Get totally present. Allow this moment, right here, right now, to be the only thing happening in the whole of time and space. Let the world fall away around us, and let me be your whole world.

This state of grace will usually only last a moment, but that moment goes a long way towards filling a well that often gets low; the one you want to drink from! Take the time, and let’s let the levels rise together.

This focus is a great way to greet me when we haven’t seen each other all day. Or, before we part ways in the morning. Or, first thing upon waking. Or last thing before we fall asleep. Or, all of the above.

Secret Desire # 2: Noticing, or Paying Attention:
When you notice what I like, it makes me feel seen, and cared for. In or out of bed. When you notice that I’ve changed my hair, or that the pants I’m wearing look hot, or that I look like I could use a hug, it makes me feel proud, relieved, happy, grateful that I chose YOU.

When you notice how I like my coffee, and prepare it for me without even thinking twice, I feel worshipped.

When you figure out that I don’t like soft, repetitive strokes on the hand, but I love strong hugs from behind, it makes me feel understood. Big bonus points to you if I never have to whisper a word to you about it, and you figure it all out on your own; after all, that’s what noticing is about.

Take the time and attention to notice me. I’ll do the same for you, and let’s see what happens!

Secret Desire # 3: Showing me Gratitude:
When you show me that you’re thankful that I chose you, it makes my heart soar. When you tell me you’re grateful that you get to go to bed with me, and wake up next to me, i feel nourished.

When you tell me you’re proud to be seen with me, I feel claimed. And as transgressive as it might be for a “feminist” to say, I love it when you claim me.

When you tell me you’re grateful that I’m such a good mom to our kids, I feel touched, and relieved. When you show your gratitude by fully parenting them with me, I feel like I won the husband lottery!

Remember to say thank  you for the small things; those everyday, tiny, repetitive things we do a million times without thinking about it. If I do the laundry, a thanks makes it less of a chore. And if you do the laundry, you know I’ll be thanking you.

Secret Desire # 4: Confidence:
Don’t second guess yourself. When I say I want you to take control, that’s what I mean.

And, don’t second guess me! When I tell you that I want you to make the choice, that’s really what I want. When you don’t believe me, I’m likely to get annoyed, especially on this touchy topic.

I know it’s a wound we’re working our way through as a culture. Ten years ago, women weren’t supposed to ask for help, and men weren’t supposed to offer it.

Well, the time they are a changing – again!

Even as a woman who can still handle it all – if I have to! – I want to be taken care of sometimes. Sometimes I want you to drive. And sometimes, I don’t want to have to say it at all. I just want you to step up, and take the wheel.sexy married couple

Secret Desire # 5: Vulnerability:
This is not the opposite of confidence, as some men assume. I see your willingness to be vulnerable with me as a huge statement of confidence. And, it makes me want to support you, take care of you. Not in some mommy/boy way, but in this, “oh, wow, he trusts me!” way.

Not only that, it makes me trust you. If you’re willing to get vulnerable with me, I’m going to be less guarded with you. And you never know to what fantastic places that could lead.

Trust that I can support you in those moments when you need to be held, listened to, or even just vent. Trust that I’ll still be here when you’re through it. And as you trust more, so will I.

Secret Desire # 6: Honesty and Transparency:
Scarier words are rarely spoken, right? But how are you going to get what you want, if you can’t, don’t, or won’t ask for it? Speaking our desires is the first step to getting them fulfilled.

And, when you speak your truth, you allow me to do the same. You never know…that fantasy you’ve been holding back on sharing might be just the one I’m dying to explore.

Let me tell you a secret; I like it dirty, and I like it rough. I also like it gentle, and loving, and sweet. If I trust you enough, there’s no edge that’s point-blank off-limits. Make it possible for me to trust you, and you’ll gain the golden key.

Your honesty is what cements my trust. Let’s build that foundation.

And, it would be less than honest of me to leave this part out; there’s another part of transparency that’s really important to me.

If I ask what you’re thinking, or feeling, or what’s wrong, please don’t say nothing, when it’s really something. I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy. If you don’t give me the low-down when something’s up, as you probably already know, I’m going to make up some kind of crazy story about what’s behind your silence.

Any story I make up is very likely to be much worse than whatever it is you’re not sharing with me.

Whatever the truth is, it’s better than confusion or paranoia. So man-up, and spit it out! This courageous act will save both of us a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. And it’ll save me a lot of hurt, wondering, and heart-ache.

And you know what’s awesome about this more challenging part of honesty? Once the air is cleared, we can get back to the yummy stuff, which is where both of us really want to be anyway. Right?

Secret Desire # 7: Face Fear Head-On:
Always be willing to face any fears that come up, whether they’re mine, or yours. And always be willing to go deeper with me, and work through that fear. Maybe not all at once, but over time.

In bed or out, we all have fears that arise around letting each other in, trusting, independence versus intimacy, personal power versus shared experience.

When you get scared, remember; I get scared, too. One thing you can be sure about is that getting scared is common ground – we’ve all been there!

Bring it to me, and I promise to do my best not to hurt you, make you wrong, or close you down in your fear. Open to me, and I’ll open to you.

Secret Desire # 8: Responsiveness:
In bed or out, paying attention becomes a worthwhile practice when you learn to respond appropriately to the information you gather.

That doesn’t mean doing what you think is supposed to come next. It means actually paying attention AS you respond, and honing your response to meet my desire. Sounds complicated, but it gets easier when you get present in the moment!

There’s no playbook for life, or for our interactions. No step 1, step 2, step 3 mentality is going to work in every situation. Instead, learn to read me. And then do whatever comes naturally.

Look, listen, then walk, as we learn in crossing the street. Give our interactions as much thought, and we’ll find our way.

Secret Desire # 9: Sharing Responsibilities:
In sex, that means doing your part regarding safety, birth control, and shared pleasure.

In life it means parenting with me, house keeping with me, making decisions with me; not around, or to, me. It means making goals and building dreams with me.

Sharing responsibility sometimes means taking control of the situation. Sometimes it means allowing me to. And often, it means coming together and working it out, in a way that makes sense to both of us.

And, The Big Secret Desire # 10! Be Willing to Cultivate and Invest in Love Through It All:
When my ex-husband and I separated a few years ago, I loved my way through it. it wasn’t always easy, but now that I know I can do that, I know I can love through anything.

Even when I’m angry at you, I can find the love I have for you within and around the anger. Even when I’m hurt, scared, and tired of the b.s., I can still find, connect with, and foster that love.

And if I can’t, something might really be wrong!

Practice may not make this one perfect, but it gets you there. Loving through the annoyance, anger, frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response.

Remember; I’m loving you. Love me, too. If we can pull that off, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to make this thing work!

Happy, Happy Birthday Barbie! (Or, In Defense of the Doll)

Posted on by

Windblown BarbieIn case you hadn’t heard, March 2009 was the month of the 50th birthday of the longest-standing winner of the crown of Most Ambiguous Idol of Women’s Power – BARBIE! March is also Women’s History Month, and International Women’s Day is on the 8th. Irony, or not? You decide.

In honor of the grande dame’s 50th, I begin my tribute with a little piece on the Plastic Priestess from Sexy Witch (LaSara FireFox, Llewellyn, nonfiction, 2005), chapter two, on self-esteem. From there, much commentary as a recognition and celebration of changing feminist values and views.

In Defense of the Doll: The Barbie Revolution

Barbie has gone from being a vapid example of how women are “supposed to be,” to being the most successful female in America. Barbie has had 95+ careers, has been created in 45 different nationalities. And, has busted through the glass ceiling on many frontiers. Launched in 2004: White House Barbie!

With any luck, we mortals will soon catch up with this versatile plasticine character.
Sexy Witch, LaSara FireFox, Llewellyn Worldwide, 2005

Flashback to the late ’80s, and My Long, Long Journey Towards Respecting Barbie:

With a spotty family history (I’ll spare you the drama), and the fervor of Take Back the Night, I stepped into adulthood at the tail-end of the 2nd Wave, and a chip on my shoulder the size of…well, the size of womanhood itself, and the ills heaped upon it (or, us), I guess.

  • At 18 I started body building, and learned self-defense techniques that made it possible for me to kill a man with my bare hands.
  • At 19, I shaved my head, wore boy-clothes, and started walking, talking, and f*cking like a man. Anything HE could do, I could do better – f8ck the “high heels and backwards” part! I wore combat boots. (Didn’t we all?)
  • At 21, I worked as the only female employee in a moving company of 130+, and became one of the guys. Worked twice as hard for half the respect, yada yada yada.
  • Yeah. A lot of men were ass3s. And yes, gender was bu77sh1t. And yes, shaving my head, the confidence of knowing how to kill “a perp,” and the strength to lift a washing machine single-handedly made it possible for me to pass as a guy with confidence, and do all sorts of stuff that girls (yep, even most “riot grrrls”) couldn’t, or wouldn’t do.
  • And as a redhead, shaving your hair off is a sure-fire way to find out who’s been objectifying you! At least, that’s how I felt when men talked to me eye to eye instead of eye to breast. Then there were the friends who bailed – I figured to he77 with ‘em, if they can’t take the “real” me.

Result: I hated men more, loved myself less…and slowly, overtime, found a long and winding path towards my own healing, from the inside out.

  • First, I made gender my own.
  • Then I started the process of making peace with my body and its female vulnerabilities.
  • Then, I began the (still-challenging) work of making peace with men, and the fact that they truly COULDN’T (and can’t) understand what it was like to be a woman.

Not their fault. Not always a comfortable truth, but a truth all the same

Just like the fact that I can’t understand what it’s like to be a woman from Chiapas. I can empathize. I can listen to her life stories. I can do what I can to put myself in her shoes. But I cannot know what it is like to BE her.

I learned, and as I learned I taught. I taught workshops. I taught classes. I had debates – formal and informal. I wrote articles.

In the midst of it all, I became a mom.

As a strong, some might even say extremist, feminist, what changed my mind about Barbie?

My daughter was a Daughter. A Daughter, with a capital “D”. Delicate, pale shell of an inviolable (please god, please – prayer whispered again and again) holy of holies. Alabaster skin, tiny ankles, long, fine fingers.

It was as if she were born with a very “traditionally feminine” tenderness. Holding her felt like holding a fragile china doll, with a pulse – one I was entirely responsible to protect from a hard world.

My little one’s fragility announced itself like a metaphorical pink bow tied around her mostly-hairless head – it was like she had an extra x chromosome, just for good measure.

And who knows? Maybe she does? Human chromosomal genetic sex is a spectrum that contains 47 possible combinations of Xs and Ys.

Even before my eldest daughter’s birth, I had Rules (with a capital “R”) about how she’d be raised. No gender-based gifts, no pink clothes, no dresses. The then-hubby and I hand-dyed “baby pink” Yoga Barbieand “baby blue” cotton infant shirts black. (Back in ’97 there were no hip, punk-rock baby shops.) We gave her dolls, but made sure she had tractors, too.

But then the damnedest thing happened; my daughter started speaking for herself. Very early. And very – you guessed it – outspokenly. At about seven months.

One of her first favorite words was “pretty.” And it referred to anything pink.

I loosened up. She LIKED dresses. She loved pink ones the most. Especially ones with tutus, frills, and bright colors. So, bit by bit, along came the wings, and the wands, and the tulle, and the ballet shoes. The girly summer sandals.

I still held on to the “no Barbies” rule. For a very long time. It was a point of reference for me. Something to hold on to.

Against all the ribbing, joking, cajoling, I held on. The Beauty Myth. Anorexia. Bulimia. High heels. Tiny waists. Huge breasts. Make up. Etc. I was afraid of the impact the Plasticine Queen would have on my – already SO female – daughter.

When she was two-and-a-half, my precocious one asked; “Mom, why can’t I have a Barbie?” She was (is) quite a sharp cookie, and a little pitcher with some big ears! I took a breath, and said “I’m afraid she’ll make you feel badly about yourself.” Her response?

“Mommy, she’s just a doll!” I swear to this day that her voice had a slight edge of disbelief that I could ever be quite so silly.

She won that argument, hands down.

My daughter taught me something in that moment. Sometimes a doll IS just a doll.

And over the years of welcoming Barbie into my family in her many guises, the lovely lady has taught me a few things, too. My girls and I especially loved the Witch Barbies a couple of Halloweens ago. But the greatest sight by far has been the Barbie knock-offs you find in the Middle East. These lovelies sing Middle Eastern Disco, and wear hijab – a hair covering traditional for women in Muslim culture.

The latest of Barbie’s 95+ careers? CEO. To shed some light on that, The Onion has a wise (ass), and very relevant article on the topic.

Yes, the pink-collar ghetto is still a real thing. Women still make less than men, on average, across the board. The statistical nexus where gender, sex, race, education, motherhood and the market place converge are so convoluted that only economists can do them justice.

And, even at that, there’s HUGE debate about the gender-wage-gap, it’s origins, and possible solutions.

So here I’ll site only a couple of stats I can recall off the top of my head: a white woman, on average, makes about .75 for each $1 a white man makes. That is a quarter less per dollar. $25 less for every $100. $250 less for every $1000. .75 cents on the dollar is a big deal.

The largest wage gap is between white men, and Mexican and Hispanic women. If I remember correctly, the gender-wage-gap is lowest between Mexican and Hispanic men, and Mexican and Hispanic women. (Probably because Mexican and Hispanic men make damn near nothing!)

In all this truth, thank God for Barbie. God bless her, from her misshapen little feet, to her plastic space helmet, to her smart, strong, suits, to her new measurements. Sure, she’s still got an “unrealistic” bod. So does Angelina Jolie, and I love her none-the-less!

To grossly reduce the parody The Onion offers, Barbie’s careers are seemingly “unrealistic”, too. Fer chrissake, in 1979, there was a black Barbie for President doll! That’s a big deal, too.

Some kinds on “unrealistic” are good. Women getting the vote was, at one time, unrealistic. The civil rights movement? World peace…

Diwali Barie, East Indian BarbieUnrealistic doesn’t mean impossible. Sometimes unrealistic is just a challenge that spurs us on.

In Barbie’s world, your worth isn’t based on whether you’re married by the time you’re thirty – as a matter of fact, Barbie’s never been married. In her world, a woman can have any career she wants – or even a whole bunch of them! And she’s no less beautiful, womanly or feminine as a surgeon than as a nurse. And no less strong as a nurse than as a surgeon.

With luck, some perseverance, and some “unrealistic” dreaming, perhaps someday it’ll be so in our world, too.

I trust our girls to know which elements to strive to change, and where to put their focus.

It’s our responsibility not to unthinkingly pass on our wounds, hand our daughters the glass ceilings that held us down, or limit their reaching for the sky, the scalpel, or even the Malibu spa.

And, it’s our responsibility to have the conversation about body image, health, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-esteem over and over again. Even more, it’s our responsibility to model that health for them.

And while that conversation may begin with Barbie, it does not end with her. After all, she’s just a doll.

 

Check out Lasara’s upcoming workshops here!