Each of us has a desired level of clean. Or in the case of my daughters and I, a desired level of comfortable mess. The desire for “comfortable mess” on the part of the ladies and the desire for an orderly point within the chaos that is life on the part of my husband sometimes come to odds.

Some see my dedication to my mess as a symbol of the chaos that dwells in my soul. Others (my husband, for one) have pointed out how I’ve used my clutter to keep myself safe, protected, walled off in my own little world.

I no longer deny any of this as having at least some amount of truth to it. My mess does make me feel secure. My cluttered desk is proof of the fact that I have at least one space in our lovely house that is all mine.

Perhaps I could arrive at the same place with flowers and hospital-corner beds, but it’s not the way it works for me. It’s not the way it works for my daughters either.

My husband likes living space to resonate differently. In the duration of our cohabitation, I’ve come to love and cherish the orderly neatness of the shared spaces we create together.

Key to our familial comfort is two sets of rules: one for shared space, another for private. Private spaces are left more or less to personal tastes. Shared spaces are simply, quietly sacred and even temple-like.

In the evenings before bed we collectively find a few minutes to tidy the common spaces, so that we can join together in the still point that is the center of our lives; a wide-open kitchen table and a clean-ish slate of a living room.

Balance is key. A happy home is one where everyone’s needs are met.

It’s happened to all of us; you wake up in a great mood. The sun is shinning, and the first thought you had when you opened your eyes was, “Ah, I’m so lucky to have this life!”

You happily hum your way into the kitchen, and begin getting ready for another full and fabulous day. You’re peacefully preparing breakfast for the kids… and then…

…Your kid emerges from her lair-like den, corners of the mouth slightly rigid, and eyes stormy. Or, your partner cuts himself shaving, and gets grumpy about it. Or your other kid starts pestering your grumpy kid.

Or, all of the above.

Suddenly, life is no longer a bowl full of ripe, sweet cherries. Slowly your perfectly wonderful mood begins souring, too.

It’s true; we catch bad moods! And if we’re not careful, we pass them along. The good news is we can catch and spread positive moods, too.

Here are some ideas for what can be done when a bad mood strikes, and spreads faster than a super-virulent strain of the common cold:

1. Address the facts; a member, or members, of the family are feeling down.
2. Remind yourself, and the rest of your family – if you can do so without sounding high and mighty, that there’s no “right” mood to be in. To everything, there is a season. Allow your heart to open to the possibility that the space each of your family members is in, is perfect for them.
3. Yet, you don’t have to stand by and do nothing, or worse, catch the bug! Instead, ask if anything needs to be done. Perhaps your kid had a bad dream, and needs to talk it out. Or, your other kid feels all the attention being drawn to the grumpy kid. Maybe creating a shift is as easy as asking, “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”
4. Voice your commitment to staying positive. A great way to do this is by being kind, not taking sides, and verbally stating something you’re grateful for.

Stability of mood is built on your own disengagement from how any one “should” be acting, behaving, or feeling. Take a breath. Let everyone else be wherever they are. Choose the mood that makes you feel the most resourceful.

You’ll be able to turn your own mood sunny side up in no time, and let it spread from there. Remember; every breath is a chance for a new choice.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl. Her skin was the color of dark mocha. Her hair was joyfully bouncy, and curled like baby grapevines do. It was as black as darkest night. Her teeth gleamed white and her lips were full. Her smile shone like light breaking through clouds.

One day the beautiful little girl was coloring with crayons. She colored the sky “B…L…U…E.”, reading the color and drawing the sky.  She drew a peach tree and colored the leaves on it “G…R…E…E…N. “ She picked up a crayon to color the peaches. “F…L…E…S…H,” was what that crayon said.

“Momma,” the girl asked, “what does FLESH mean?” Her momma said, “It means skin, my baby. Why do you ask?”

The beautiful little girl answered with another question; “Why does this crayon say flesh then? My skin is like chocolate, not like peaches.”

The girl’s momma – whose skin was dark as dusk – didn’t cry, though she wanted to. Instead, she gently picked up the crayon, and said, “That’s a question for later, dearest one.”

The girl’s momma took a box from a cabinet and put the “flesh” colored crayon into it. “This is your question box.” the girl’s momma said, “When you have a question I’m not ready to answer, we’ll save it for later in here.”

The little girl took the box and drew on it. She loved her question box, and guarded it like a box of treasures. After all, it was a box of treasures. The box was filled with the girl’s deepest curiosities.

Over the years, the girl grew, and she put questions of all sorts in the box. Sometimes they were in the form of objects, like the crayon, sometimes drawings, and later it was written notes. She and her mother would take the questions out one by one, and her mother would answer the ones she felt ready to.

It was a long time before the girl’s momma was ready to answer the question about the flesh colored crayon. But answer she did. She told her daughter a story about her ancestors, and about the world. The momma told her daughter about dark and night and the unknown. She told her about fairness and what’s right.

And the girl’s momma gave her a gift. Though the beautiful girl was no longer little, and didn’t really color with crayons anymore, her momma handed her a crayon that was the same color as the one from years before. The crayon said, “P…E…A…C…H.”

The daughter and the momma both smiled. In that moment they knew for certain that there was a right time for every question, and a right time for every answer.

*****

How to Make A Question Box

Honoring Your Child’s Questions with Answers
Sometimes the most honest answer is “That’s not a question I’m ready to answer.” If that’s the case, follow up appropriately. Let your child know when you would be willing to revisit the topic – whether it’s in a couple of days, or when your kid is in the fifth grade, or when she or he is 13, or when you’ve sorted your thoughts and feelings out. Always be responsible and proactive with the follow-up.

How to Make Your Question Box
Having your own question box makes it easy to keep track of the questions you’re not ready to answer. A question box offers a structure that will honor your child’s question and your boundaries and comfort zones at the same time.

You will need:

1. A box. You can easily recycle one that’s the size you want, or you can use a sturdy, craft-ready wooden box from your local craft store. The box should be small enough to fit on a counter or desk, and large enough to hold items your wee one has questions about.

2. Paints, collage items (glue, scissors, etc), or drawing implements. Optional: sequins, bedazzlements, glitter, other fun stuff.

Once you’ve chosen a box, decorate it with your kid(s). Paint, collage, or draw on it. Get as fun and fancy as you like! Make your question box easy to open and close.

How to Use Your Question Box
When a question comes up that you’re not ready to answer, choose an item that will serve as a conversation-starter on the topic at a later date. This can be a piece of paper with the topic written on it, or an item that is symbolic of the topic.

Decide on a time when you will review the items in the box and answer the questions, or at least revisit them.

This piece is supplemental to an article called Seven Steps to Healthy Communication with Your Kids, also by Lasára Allen. Find this article and many others at www.LasaraAllen.com.

With respect, a clear understanding of the rules, and a whole lotta love for the kids, ex-spouses are redefining family.

Some call it divorce; I call it the “Two-Family Solution.” Assuming your divorce was peaceful and you and your ex have basic respect for one another, there’s no reason not to revel in the benefits the Two-Family Solution can bring to you and your kids.

Benefit 1: You get a regularly scheduled, kid-free vacation!
How many of your mom and dad friends would kill for just one night off a week? Sometimes, heartless as it may sound, I find myself gloating when I reflect on the weekly Tuesday night dates my new hubby and I share. It’s a ritual for us.

Truly, our date night can be a lifesaver, even when it’s days away.

Don’t get me wrong—I miss my girls when they’re gone. But those moments when it’s just me and my man – or me and my thoughts – are of real benefit. This down-time, personal time, grown-up time, work time, r & r time, make-it-what-I-want-it-to-be time makes life better for all of us.

Benefit 2: You get to teach your kids that more than one set of rules may apply.
The world is a wide, wild, and varied place with sometimes complexly convoluted rules.

Ideally, you and your ex will have agreed on basic ground rules about school conduct, drugs, alcohol, and dating, and what discipline measures are within bounds. My ex and I had to institute a “reporting” clause because our younger child was playing sides, and we had to show her we were still the boss(es).

It’s not your right, though, to tell your ex that he can’t feed the kids meat just because you’ve gone vegan. (That’s the kids’ negotiation to undertake.)

Despite your areas of agreement or disagreement, never badmouth the other parent’s rules. Even more important; never make the other parent’s rules wrong – unless you want to fight it out with the ex, and we all know that’s never pretty! In other words, always take it to the ex, first.

Another incentive to keep rule-agreements and respect for your co-parent as even-keeled as possible; when there is stress or strife, one of the kids is sure to come to the other parent’s defense, and rebel against your rules in retaliation.

Benefit 3. Your kids get more of everything: parents, relatives, people saving money for their future, gifts on holidays, support, and love! (And, in the best-case scenario, so do you!)
I couldn’t afford a 2-week vacation to Maui at a five-star resort just after the ex and I split, but the kids got to go with their dad’s parents. It was perfect for them to be able to have such a memorable, relaxing vacation in the middle of what was an admittedly tough time. And although fewer of us are able to save for college these days, some extended family members are starting rainy-day funds for some very loved and very lucky kids.

In emergencies—financial or otherwise—it’s nice to know you’ve got a crew at hand to bail you and yours out.

The two-family solution can help minimize holiday struggles too. Through patience, dedication, and a basis of shared values, you and your ex may reach a point where you share family holidays. If you and your ex and your family get along, plus new spouses and their exes get along, and the new spouses’ families like the ex-spouses’ families and your family—that’s a lot of family! And a lot of love and support when you and the kids need it most.

This is the response of the post-divorce generation; as those of us who were raised in what were then called “broken homes” have grown, fallen in love, married had babies, divorced, and remarried, we have decided to make divorce less of a home-breaking, and more of a home-making. Two homes, but at heart, still one family.

As our children grow, marry, have children of their own, and perhaps divorce, we know we will continue the new tradition of inclusion. And slowly, generation by generation, family will just be family; however we choose to build or define it.

by Lasára Allen, MPNLP, www.lasaraallen.com

As conscious parents working to create a better world, we know that the work – and joy – of it begins at home. Here are seven steps that offer you a foundation for clear and healthy communication with your most precious focus; your children.

1. Honor your kid’s questions with answers.

If your child is mature enough to formulate a question on a given topic, she is mature enough to get an honest answer from you. That answer should always be age appropriate, and within your comfort zone.

Sometimes an honest answer is “I don’t know,” or “That’s not a question I’m ready to answer.” If either of those are the case, follow up appropriately.

If you don’t know, you can always make it a research project for you and your kid to engage in together.

If you don’t feel comfortable answering a question because it gets into territory you feel conflicted about, own your boundary around it (see step 4), and let your child know when you would be willing to revisit the topic – whether it’s in a couple of days, or when your kid is in the fifth grade, or when you’ve sorted your stuff out. Always be responsible and proactive with the follow-up.

Bonus idea: Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for directions on creating a “Question Box.”

2. Own your feelings.

Don’t make your discomfort your kid’s “fault.” If the question he has asked makes your hair stand on end and your face flush, know that your embarrassment, your discomfort, or your anger.

A danger inherent in parent-child communication is that your kid will take on your shame, your discomfort, or your unease. Or, in cases where a kid is a “mismatcher”, they may act out in opposition to your stance. If you don’t want your kids blindly falling into – or acting out in response to – your wounding, patterning, imprinting or behaviors, own your internal conflicts.

3. What isn’t said speaks more loudly than what IS.

Ignore it and it’ll go away? Not a chance. But sooner or later, your kid(s) will – especially if you’re unable to answer the questions brought to you. Sex, drugs, money; they’re all topics that may have been avoided in your family of origin. But do you want your kids getting answers from the same unreliable sources you did? (On the schoolyard, TV, your parents, the government?)

The conspicuous silences in your communication are an OUT LOUD statement – about what’s inappropriate, shameful, unmentionable. If you want your kids getting different messages than what you were handed, make sure you’re giving voice to your opinions.

Normalize the topics that make you want to freeze up. Talk with your friends, talk with your trusted advisors (your coach, your priest, your therapist, your doctor), talk with your parents, talk with your peers. Know that there’s a whole world of information out there. If you feel conflicted about your own ideas, educate yourself about different views.

If money was a hidden topic in your family and you feel that hasn’t served you in your quest for financial literacy, give your kids a head start by bringing them into alignment with your financial values.

If you want your kids to know that sex is a good thing to have clarity about, model it by having values-based conversations with your kids about how to define their own sexual values.

With your nonjudgmental guidance and conscientious modeling, this process can begin consciously before your kids are even bringing direct question to you for answers.

Bonus Idea: Use my Sexual Ethics questionnaire for a tool that will help you find a starting place for these discussions. Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for your free copy.

4. Own your boundaries.

We all need appropriate boundaries. Modeling boundaries is, in my opinion, one of the most resourceful gifts you can offer your kids. One of the best way to offer boundary awareness to your kids is to model healthy boundaries in your interactions with them.

This means that you have not only the right, but the responsibility to say “stop!” when your wee one is hurting you, to close the door when you need a minute to yourself, to go for a run on a daily basis – no matter how needy others might be feeling.

Your healthy boundary also makes a clear distinction, and allows you to own your limitations or discomfort. In the course of a conversation or other interaction with your kids, you are bound to occasionally come up against the edges of your comfort zone. In these moments, it creates clarity to own your boundary, and make it clear that any discomfort you feel is due to your own process, and not something that your young-one is doing wrong.

5. Respect your child’s boundaries.

Healthy boundaries go both ways. Another element of boundary in parenting that is all-too-often overlooked is this one; if you want your kids to know that their boundaries are to be respected, you must respect your kid’s “no.”

This can be tricky, but it must be worked out.

For example, sharing is a great value to instill. However, I know how I’d feel if someone came into my office and said “You aren’t using your cell phone right now. Let Joe use it.” My response would be along the lines of “Well, I don’t lend out my cell phone, but Joe is welcome to use the house phone.”

Yet, often parents will enforce sharing to such a degree that it can erode a kid’s sense of  control. Negotiate with your young-one. Create agreed-upon rules about sharing, such as designating certain items as “special” ones that they will never be asked to share.

With touch-related boundaries, it may be the most important to respect our kid’s voice. If little Aaron doesn’t like being grabbed and kissed by Aunt Joan, or tickled by his cousins, help him to voice his boundary.

Helping to set a boundary with Aunt Joan may be an uncomfortable moment, but everyone is sure to learn something in it, and Aaron is going to know that he never has to be touched in a way that’s not comfortable for him in order to make someone else feel better.

If we want our kids to have the power of knowing that boundaries are to be respected, we need to both model firm boundaries for ourselves and our kids, and respect our children when they place a boundary that is reasonable.

6. Respectful, loving touch fosters connection! Stay embodied.

Kids listen better when they feel safe. (We all do.) They also communicate better when they know you aren’t mad at them. (We all do.) Creating consensual, appropriate, loving connection through physical touch can help both parties stay present in an interaction.

There are many different modes for communication. Different types and levels of physical engagement are appropriate to different settings.

If your child enjoys horsing around, sometimes breaking the tension with a little tickling, wrestling or clowning around is totally appropriate. Or, sometimes massaging your kid’s neck while you chat might be just the right thing.

If your little one is feeling sad, ask if he wants a hug. If your child is feeling tender or vulnerable, it can be great to offer to just hold your kid while he cries. If that’s too much, or not desired, you can offer your hand for holding.

Most importantly, pay attention to your child’s physiological responses, and respond accordingly. If your kid prefers sitting side-to-side instead of face-to-face, talk while sitting on the couch.

One of my daughters loves to have sit-down meetings with her parents. She’s the younger kid, and loves all the attention being on her for the time that we give it. My older daughter, on the other hand, prefers a casual chat while in the car, out on a walk, or her favorite – while shopping.

The point is, every kid is different, with different needs, comfort levels, and desires regarding touch, embodiment and process. Pay attention to what makes your kid more comfortable, and communication will get easier.

Another way to stay embodied is to remember to breathe. If things get stressful, consciously choose to relax your body. Breath into the moment, and you will be more likely to respond the moment that is occurring, rather than reacting to how your dad responded when you brought up the same issue, and you were in the seat that your son is in.

There are two benefits to this practice; the first is that you will be more relaxed, which is a positive thing in and of itself. The second is that your child’s body will respond to your relaxation by matching it.

Whiling remaining conscious and respectful of boundary, connect with your kids on a physical level while you communicate with them. And, stay engaged with your own physiological center.

7. The model is the message.

“Do what I say, not what I do,” doesn’t work. Your kids believe you. They watch you. They look up to you. They learn from you. And, actions speak so much louder than words.

When my clients say demoralizing things about themselves, my standard response is “How would you feel if your kid did (or said, felt or thought) that? Because, she’s going to.” Your kids will, consciously or unconsciously, emulate your modeling.

In this way, self-care is taking care of your children. Your ability to take care of yourself is one of the best foundational messages you can offer your kids. If you don’t want your kids to smoke, quit smoking. If you are having a hard time quitting, talk with your kids about it.

When you make a commitment to shifting a pattern of your own behavior, you can also enroll your kid’s support. This is another opportunity to model resilient skills for your kids. Ask for the help and support you need. Explain why shifting the pattern is hard for you. Use it as an opportunity to educate your kids on good choice-making, using yourself as an example.

Transparency and integrity are areas that you may also choose to model. “I only smoke when I’m away from my kids,” may seem like a good way to limit the damage, but how would you feel if your kid said “Well, I only smoke when I’m away from you.”

When you tell your kids not to get in the car with anyone who’s drinking, and then drive them home from a party after you’ve had a beer, you’re sending a mixed message. It’s confusing, and builds in not only the space for justification in the particular (well, Jo isn’t drunk, so I guess it’s okay to get a ride with her…), but also the room for justification in other areas.

Do you obfuscate? Do you outright lie to your kids? If so, you are ultimately undermining your own authority. How do you think your kids will feel when they find out that you did inhale? If you lie to your kids, or if your behaviors and your words don’t match up, you are giving your kids a template for behaving in the same way. If you value transparency and honesty, model it.

Are you being a resourceful and integrated model for your kids? Here’s a good guideline; ask yourself,  ‘If my kid were engaging in the behavior I’m engaging in, how would I feel about it?”

Bonus idea: Create a family charter of agreements.

Sustainable Family Values – How Values Grow.

You are always modeling your values. The tricky part is that we often have two sets of values – idealized values (the values we like to think we have) and applied values (the values we actually live by). If what you think you believe, and how you act in your day to day don’t match up, you’re out of alignment with your ideal values.

You can shift your values into alignment by changing your behaviors to match up with your beliefs. The steps I have offered in this article offer a great starting point for the work of coming into alignment.

The more consciously you engage with living your values, the more aligned your modeling will be with your ideal life. This is a true win/win situation; as you model the behavior that you would most want to see your children emulate, you begin living the best possible version of your life.

Bonus Idea: Define your family’s shared values.

About the Author:
Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.

Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life.

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