On Writer’s Block – From a Writer to her Reader

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I didn’t write my 800 words yesterday. It wasn’t a case of too few ideas, but too many. So many possible things to write about, and so much to write about them.

On the other hand, it was a desire for a royal flush in the writing department. After a number of articles that have struck deep chords in my readers, I found myself becoming attached to the idea of writing about IMPORTANT topics.

If there’s anything that will get in the way of writing, it’s the desire to do it “right”.

I don’t “believe in” writer’s block. Writer’s block, in my opinion, is an excuse not to get writing. A fear-based response to the desire to write “right”.

When writer’s block hits, the only thing to do is to write through it. Pen to page, fingers to keyboard.

It’s not, a that point, about finding something to say, as much as saying anything.

Starting to fill the page.

In many cases the mind will turn toward a topic, and work the topic into a thread in fits and starts. The topic may even be invisible at first, hidden beneath the surface.

Today I find my block be this double-edge quill; too much to say, and the desire for excellence in saying it.

The ideas were flowing like leaves down a runnel yesterday – faster than I could catch them at times.

And the articles I’ve been waiting to write were big and daunting, waiting for the words to find their way to my tongue, or in this case, my fingers, lurking like phatasms in the front of my mind, right behind my eyes.

Too much to say about the Middle East; where can I find the words to tell the stories that found me, that formed me there?

Too much to write about the choice to change my last name; the retrogressive, transgressive act of abdicating my singularity by making a choice so metaphorical and traditional.

Too much to say about the apocalypse.

Spiritual materialism.

And then the new ideas, rushing like rainwater running off a roof, flowing through my fingers.

Words I want to say about the madness that descends on many women who have not found their “perfect” mate.

An open letter to President Obama.

So, out of overwhelm, I found excuses. I had to wait for this and that, I had errands to run, I put writing to the side until it was too late to focus.

In all of this, I got around to yoga again.

Just like writing, just like keeping to healthy habits and away from unhealthy ones, everyday – indeed every moment – is an opportunity for a recommitment.

So, I put fingers to keyboard, release attachment (again and again) to perfection, try to forget about you, my reader – though for me, you are impossible to forget about.

I write from myself, but I am not a writer who writes FOR myself. There are many of these, and more power to you who are.

But I write, nearly all the time, for you. The mostly faceless you – though sometimes I borrow a face, an idea of you to imagine as my reader so that I can find the right words, the context for the conversation, the contours that a talk with you would have, the curves we would wander in our intellectual discourse.

I write for my readers. However few or many might grace me with the gift of their attention, each piece of writing is for the world. This truth is a place where attachments arise for me. So instead of an attachment that stops me, I turn this attachment into a question.

Is the gift I want to offer you a worthy one? Is it worthy of your eyes? Is it a gift worth giving?

When I see the number of readers who read an article spike (yeah, I’m a stats counter…I pay attention to the traffic to my articles), the joy I feel is not gross (as in, unrefined) pride, but a sense of honor that I have been able to offer you a gift that enriched your life in any way.

As a writer, this is all that I hope for; the experience of our minds connecting in aether. A conversation that happens in the abstract.

I do not see writing as a one-way stream of communication. Words need to be heard, or read, to be given meaning. You, dear reader, make writing my ultimate reward.

Sex Positive Parenting

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Teaching Our Children About Sex.

(Reprinted from elephant journal, June 19, 2010.)

As a child of the ‘70s, and more-over, a child of the counter-culture, I can say there is such a thing as too much permissiveness. However, sexual positivity and sexual permissiveness are not by nature the same thing.

Conscious parenting has many focuses and aspects. But one area that perennially gets too little attention in the movement toward conscious parenting is that of sex and our kids.

If we, as conscious parents, can’t begin bringing sex out of the closet, who can? Yet again and again I see evidence of a profound split in our (counter) cultural psyche that has sex on one side and everything else on the other.

Recently, our esteemed editor at elephant journal, Waylon Lewis, started a new fan page on facebook. Here’s his post about the new page:

Join our new page (elephant journal gets sexy) where we’ll be posting the Sexy once we have enough friends over there (we’re making this page more family-friendly).

As I understand it, Waylon didn’t do this because he wanted to, but because he had gotten tired of having to apologize for “sexy” content on the elephant journal fan page.

Why does “family friendly” translate to “devoid of any sexual content”?

How are we supposed to have an open conversation with our kids about sex when we can’t have a rational conversation about it as adults? It’s not our kids who are reading the fan page, its us!

Apparently, there is no “middle way” as far as our cultural relationship with sex is concerned.

But here’s the simple truth; we have bodies. We have sex. And according to science, sex is good, and good for us!

Our culture is saturated with sexualized images. It’s drenched in sexual terminology. Sexual energy is a foundational part of social interaction.

Not all of these things are always positive. Many sexualized images are not sex-positive, and much of the sexual terminology at play in the social lexicon of the schoolyard is down-right negative.

But in our blanket negation of sexual expression as part of a healthy life, or even a healthy spiritual reality, we in effect take ourselves out of the conversation.

When things are hidden, they gain importance. Separating sex out makes it simultaneously more important (not always in good ways) and less transparent (rarely a good thing at all).

What we don’t say often says more than what we do say. Leaving sex out of the conversation makes it a dark and hidden topic. Forbidden fruit. Dirty. Unmentionable.

But a question you may want to ask yourself is, “Where do I want my kid getting his/her information about sex from?”

The best tool we can offer our children is sexual literacy.

Sexual literacy begins with awareness and appropriate education. The information you hand down to your child will inevitably be flavored by your own values, morals and ethics. So the more clear you are on what those values, ethics, and morals are, the more consciously you will be able to help your child gain literacy, and develop their own ethical structure.

One starting point for increasing awareness and definition of your sexual ethics is my Sexual Values and Ethics Worksheet (download here). This worksheet can also be a starting point for a group discussion with your family, other parents, or your friends.

Contrary to popular belief, sexual expression does not instantly commence at puberty. Children, like all of us, are sexual beings. They have sexual feelings, and sexual curiosity. They engage – even in utero – in sexual self-stimulation.

Ignoring the fact that our children have their own sexual lives won’t make the fact that they do go away. Yet the idea of seeing “sex” and “child” in the same article, let alone the same paragraph or sentence, puts many parent’s hair on end.

In our household, sex has always been one of the items on the table. Not the only item, not the central item, but not a hidden item either.

Since my kids were little, we’ve parented with a few rules about communication. Rules for us, as parents – not rules for them. Rule number one, and first in importance, has always been, “If the child is old enough to ask a question, she’s old enough for a valid, age-appropriate answer.”

This rule has been implemented regarding everything from ecology to economy to spirituality to sexuality. And this leveling of the conversational playing field has had the effect of ameliorating both super-negative and super-positive charge on the topic of sex and sexuality.

This tack hasn’t removed all embarrassment, nor has it ensured that our children agree with us regarding everything we believe about sex. It hasn’t made it so that our children are automatically going to defer to us without argument when we set a limit.

But those things were never the goal.

Years worth of open, educated, aware, and non-judgmental conversation with our children has allowed for an ongoing and honest dialogue; one where our kids know that sex is a natural part of the conversation. It has made our home a safe place to discuss a socially and culturally charged, complex topic.

And, most importantly, this encouragement of sexual literacy has allowed our kids the ability to make their own well thought-out and conscious choices about sex and sexuality.

To Hell With Chicken Little!

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A while back my ten-year-old kid came home from school and said, “Mom, is the world really going to end in 2012?”

This moment was one I hadn’t even known I had a secret dread of.

I was raised as part of the Back-to-the-Land movement. If you weren’t there, you probably don’t know that a big chunk of the foundation of the Back-to-the-Land movement was apocalyptic. The hippies who went to the hills were not just running from The Man, and not just “to the garden”, many were running into a safe zone – a place where they’d be safe “when the shit comes down”.

I grew up in a world where there was always an immanent threat that the sky was going to fall on our heads at any minute. I grew up in fear of the mushroom cloud, the Big One (the California Quake), the flu, whatever date was the next forecasted end-point. My dad used to joke (half-seriously) about the day we’d have oceanfront property (assuming we survived the quake).

In addition to the threat of natural and man made disaster, there was a strong us/them mentality in the Back-to-the-Land movement. Fear and disdain for The Man was one of the binding agents that drew like-minded souls together.  And we were Us, and everyone else was Them.

But even more than the divide between those who had “turned on, tuned in, and dropped out” and the worker bees of the mainstream, there was a pronounced fear, a cultural paranoia, that They (whoever They were) were out to get Us.

This larger They was not the worker bee, but some nefarious entity that controlled the environment that the worker bees lived in.

This terminology is mostly my own, but I don’t know how else to explain the beliefs that formed a bedrock for me – a bedrock of fear and overwhelm. A bedrock that I, to this day, rebel against.

By the time the Y2K scare rolled around I had one kid, and another one on the way. My kids’ dad and I were living on the land where I grew up. Everyone we knew was hoarding water, grains, seeds, fuel, candles, and more. The more radical amongst them were also stockpiling ammo for the hunting rifles and shotguns they owned.

It was a turning point for me. I made my decision to take a stand against the enculturation of fear. We didn’t finish the bomb shelter my parents had started in the ‘70s. We didn’t buy 50 pound bags of rice. We didn’t even get extra candles.

I decided, then and there, that I would not raise my children in a culture of fear.

So, ten years later, here was my kid, looking me in the eye and asking for reassurance. And I told her what I believe to be true; “No, honey. The world is not going to end in 2012.”

Anger surged in me, even though I know I can’t control my kids’ environments fully, even though I know that the culture of fear will grow, fungus-like, into the cracks where fear already lives. The innate, biological fear of death that wraps itself around us, fills the darkened cracks and crevasses, and warps our vision of future possibility.

I asked my daughter who it was that said that the world would end, but the question was irrelevant; just like in the ‘70s, just like in 1500s when the plague was spreading like wildfire, just like in 1000 AD, the end is nigh!

The funny thing is, most Back-to-the-Landers are not even Christian. Yet, the at-once fear-driven and hope-inspired belief that, indeed, the shit WILL come down, strongly mirrors the Christian preoccupation with the apocalypse.

Some wait and pray for the downfall of the Machine, imagining a day when the collapse of The World As We Know It will lead us through a magical doorway, and back into “the garden’; a beautiful place where people live (once again, some would claim) in harmony with the land, sit around campfires, and build egalitarian communities together.

Famine, global warming, war without end. Yes, these are sorry and sad truths. But signs that the end is at hand? I choose to think that they are not.

Moreover, I choose not to raise my children believing that they are.

Peak oil will happen. Maybe sooner, maybe later. But will we rise to the occasion and adapt to renewable energy sources? The answer is yet to be seen, but it’s not out of the question that there will be a positive outcome.

War rages as it has since time immemorial. Will that ever change? What if there was a chance that there are positive effects of the globalization of culture? What if 13-year-old pen-pals who live in America, Israel, and Palestine learn to build a world beyond boundaries?

Some may call me pollyanna, or worse. Some may think I’m living with my head in the sand. Some may think I’m a starry-eyed idealist. I assure you I am not. I’m well aware of the global predicament.

And, that secret dread I mentioned at the opening of this article? The secret dread is that maybe the shit IS coming down. Maybe we won’t make the collective changes that need to be made in time. Maybe, even though it wasn’t Y2K, or any of the other “This is it!” scares that have happened in my life and beyond, maybe this IS it!

When this dread arises, I ask myself a few questions. These are those questions:

Do I want to raise my children to love life, or to fear death? Do I want to raise them to trust their fellow man, or to weave nihilistic, egoist tales of conspiracy? Do I want raise my children to believe that the nameless, faceless “Them” is like a Hydra with innumerable heads and  poisonous breath, or do I want my children to think beyond an “us” and a “them” into a place of “we”?

I choose to raise my children grounded strongly in a sense of justice and the possibility of effecting change. I inculcate my children with the idea that this is now, and now is what we make it. I don’t frighten them with the spectre of a post-apocalyptic tomorrow, nor do I promise them the return of the garden, the advent of heaven on earth.

I choose to raise my children with their feet on the ground, and their hands reaching for the stars that glow in a future of their own making.

A New Generation of Fathers – A Shout-Out to the New Dad

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I know very few peers who were raised by both parents. I have very many peers whose fathers were at best absent, and at worst abusive. Though really, abandonment leaves scars nearly as readily as any other kind of abuse does.

Most of us lived through our parent’s divorces as kids. Divorce is as prevalent as it was when I was a child, but there is a new pattern emerging in this generation.

Now we have a new generation of fathers; this is the New Dad.

In my generation, Generation X, the ending of the first marriage (called a “starter marriage” by a friend), feels almost like a rite of passage into true adulthood.

But this generation is writing a new story about what happens after divorce. The New Dads grew up in houses mostly absent of any stable father figure. These men are doing their part in authoring this new ending-as-beginning; they’re sticking around. Even more impressively, they’re working with their baby-mommas to make it possible to co-parent with as much peace and agreement as possible.

This isn’t always an easy task. After all, divorces happen for a reason. Couples grow apart.

Divorce is a more acceptable option for our generation than it was for our parents’ generation. Staunch “family values” types would likely cite this as a proof of a cultural failing.

I prefer to look at the positive side, and say that perhaps because divorce has become more culturally prevalent, and overtime more socially acceptable, it’s become a less destructive option.

As a generation born in the midst of the divorce boom, we learned at least two things thoroughly; divorce is often the right choice (it certainly was in the case of my mom and dad), and divorce is potentially much harder on the kids than it is on the adults involved.

Out of this awareness, we’ve learned 1., that there’s no shame in calling it quits before a functional relationship with the ex is out of the question, and 2., the needs of the kids should always out weigh any pettiness on the part of the adults.

And the New Dad is a product of the divorce boom as well – by merit of the fact that this man was most likely raised primarily (if not exclusively) by his mother. While this is not in all ways a good thing, there are positives that are present.

While the absence of a father figure in a man’s life can lead to confusion about what it means to be a dad, there are a few elements working in the positive, and producing some really beautiful fathering by the men of generations X and Y.

By and large, men raised by their mamas have a lot of respect for the work their moms did to keep them happy, healthy, and taken care of growing up. And, using the absence of their fathers (or in worse cases, the abuse) as an example of how NOT to parent, these New Dads are making new choices.

The New Dad is nurturing, involved, sensitive and engaged with his children. After a separation, this New Dad works hard to create a healthy co-parenting relationship with his ex. In the best case, this manifests as a sense of extended family. In less ideal circumstances, it comes down to putting aside disagreements with the ex in order to create the most positive co-parenting relationship possible.

In the absence of a positive father figure, it’s almost as if the New Dad is starting over with a clean slate. And with that slate in front of him, the New Dad is taking out the sidewalk chalk and sitting down with his kids to draw a brand new image of what being a father means.

Here’s a shout out to all the New Dads; Happy Father’s Day, and THANKS FOR BEING YOU!

For more about kids of divorce, read this cool piece at NPR!

Breathing for the Liberation of All Beings

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For the first day in this 21 day experiment, I am not feeling overly inspired to write. As another writer taking part in the experiment asked this morning, “where do I start?” I answered; “Start where you are! Trite, but still good advice. :-) ”

And here I am. Stuck.

Over the past few days I have poured my very self out onto the page…and now, stillness. Quiet. It’s kind of a soothing quiet; the calm after the storm sort of quiet. You know it’s not going to last forever. But it’s that moment of grace.

Quiet is not always an easy place to sit. Especially when seeking it. Like when ass hits cushion, ready for meditation practice. Then quiet is not so easy.

Speaking of meditation practice, of sitting practice in particular, I haven’t been doing it. For over a year I have not been doing sitting meditation.

I haven’t been avoiding it because it’s too hard. I’ve been avoiding it because it’s too easy. Not too easy to find the simple quiet – too easy to find that ecstatic, expansive quiet. The quiet where light comes alive, slithers up my spine, blows the top off my head. And I ignite is ecstasy and entasy, involution and expansion both the same, that state of perfect beingness, where I “touch the face of god”, and then dissolve into it. I say, “touch the face of god” in quotations because in that sort of quiet, that ringing singing humming silence, there is no face, there is no god, there is not I to touch it.

In other words, I get to high. And in my world too high can lead to happy which, in other words, translates to just a little taste of mania.

It sucks to be afraid of mergence with the Most Beloved.

I live in a land where my own range of emotions is not to be trusted. Where happy can mean high can mean manic. Where waking up on the wrong side of bed can mean sad can mean depressed.

There is no simplicity in it. In my world, emotions are both bellwether and weather vane. Sometimes wrong side of the bed leads to sad leads to depression. Sometimes depression is the root of sadness and the reason for the waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Emotions both lead to one another, and predict themselves. But sometimes the evidence of the state arrives too late to do anything about it.

So, I look at “happy” with a quizzical eye.

A while back, after meditating, I got happy. I was driving, and saw how the light hit the clouds just right. I started having many thoughts. And immediately thought, “Too happy!” All the same, once I got to my destination I pulled out my journal and pen and wrote a few pages of notes about God, and love, and who knows what else.

Underneath, in all caps, I wrote, “FEELING TOO GOOD. DON’T MAKE ANY DECISIONS OF IMPORTANCE RIGHT NOW.”

So I put an anchor on good moods to weight them down, and try to prop shove a buoy under bad ones, just in case.

Here in the world where emotions are not always simple, simplicity is not always the answer. “Don’t do something, just sit there,” can easily lead to tripping the light fantastic without moving a toe.

The only sitting meditation I can do without risk of Kundalini Rising is the practice of Tonglen, where I take the suffering of the world into my body, and release the suffering with my breath – transformed through nonattachment.

This form of meditation grounds me. It calms me. It brings me down to earth.

As a bodhisattva, it is my work to calm my own fires. To release attachment, to relearn my own self of no self. To heal my own heart. To release my own suffering, too.

As a world-healer, a bodhisattva, sometimes I forget that world-healing happens in my own heart. First, last, and only. This is not to say that meditation is the only activism; far from it. Our acts in the world are the healing of it. So are our acts in our homes and in our hearts. Thoughts are things, and things are thoughts, and all the ideas and arisings manifest in the here and now, thoughts and emotions becoming attachment causing suffering.

As I practice my tonglen, I release attachment. Attachment is suffering. Seeking of heights, sinking into lows, only becoming suffering in attachment.

Too happy, too sad, all expressions of an arising of self, a self both mutable and transmutable. So, I breathe in suffering, breath out in nonattachment. And so release suffering both global and personal

The world is my heart is the world. There is no there. I am That.

I breathe in, breathe out. For the liberation of all beings.

Confessions of a Bad Polyamorist

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Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
-Wikipedia

Love is God, God is love, both are the same, and as God, love is limitless.

This is what I have been told, have even known, deep in my cells. My love for God is limitless. God’s love for me is limitless.

But what about when it comes to the human realm? Somewhere along the way my wires got crossed, and I can’t seem to transfer the limitless love that exists on the metaphysical plane into the human experience.

We were all raised on romanticized, idealized versions of love. Love that translates to need, to desire, to longing to possession, to jealousy.

Men have killed and died for love. Love of land, love of country, love of beauty – Helen of Troy’s face launched a thousand ships.

We all saw the reality of what was called love playing out in our lives – sometimes gruesome, sometimes fragile, often fleeting, and so easily broken.

Wrapped up in my stories of “not enough” – not enough food at times, never enough money – and my personal childhood story where grown-up love meant fits of blind rage and jealousy, where threats and fists were romantic expressions, my wires got crossed.

After threatening the most heinous things when my mother would get “too close” to another man, my dad left our family for a younger woman.

I decided, as all young women raised in abusive households do, that this would never be my story as an adult. That fist and fury were not love. That jealous threats of injury or death would not in my life equate with romance.

I held to this decision in the only way I knew how to; never let anyone close enough, and they can’t hurt you.

I broke hearts, I cheated, I destroyed relationships by holding everyone I could have loved (and even did) at arm’s length.

I found resourceful ways to create a reality in which this was acceptable. I read Anarchists texts about the abolition of relationship-as-possession, I fell in with the right crowd, I found a home in the anti-establishmentarian movement of Anarchism, where non-monogamy was the norm.

All the same, at 19 I ended up in a relationship where fists were kisses, and threats were love, and jealous rages stormed both ways. I had let someone in, and he had let me in. We thought it would be forever. And the four years we were together felt like it was. An endless entrenchment, a battle.

When I finally got my head together and left the abusive relationship that closed the eternal-return-of-same loop handed down by way of my familial imprinting, I made my own rules. I didn’t let anyone claim me. I didn’t claim anyone.

My “orientation” toward non-monogamy was a wall. It ended the argument before it started. No one had any right to be jealous, because they knew what the rules were. And as long as I stayed on the surface of things, my own jealousy didn’t rear its ugly head.

When I was 25, I got married to someone safe. To someone I knew would never hit me.  To someone I knew I wouldn’t be with forever. To someone who would be a gentle father to my children. To someone I knew I could live without.

And I cheated on my (now ex) before we even got married.

When we married, I stopped. And though we were theoretically in an open relationship, for the first four years of our marriage we didn’t have other relationships. We were building a foundation.

I came clean to him about having cheated. He wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t upset.

When finally we opened our relationship again, I was the one who dove into a new relationship with an old lover; the same lover I had cheated on my husband with four years earlier. My (now ex) husband still wasn’t jealous. He even okayed the relationship before hand.

Some part of me read his lack of jealousy as a lack of love. As a lack of passion.

But I was in too deep to have an easy time allowing him the same freedom he allowed me. Some of it came back to the sense of “never enough” that has roots deep in my childhood. The never enough was a lack of passion, a lack of engagement, a lack of sexual interaction.

I felt I was always running at a deficit.

I relied on non-monogamy to fill the gaps left by the lack I felt at home. The lack I had built myself into.

But it was unfair. I was unfair. I expected the freedom to get my needs fulfilled but felt hurt when he sought the same. I felt neglected, not just by the actions themselves, but by never feeling loved enough from within the walls of safety I had built around myself.

Walls and all, I was in too deep. Too deep to not get scared when he took his love elsewhere.

Love was finite. Sex was finite. Passion was nearly non-existent. It’s harder to share when the cupboard is bare.

I still tried my best. I still believed in the ideals of non-monogamy, of polyamory. We were activists about it, my (now ex) husband and I. I taught classes on how to negotiate open relationships.

It didn’t feel hypocritical – I never entirely gave in to my jealousy and let it run the show.

Well, never except when I was faced with my (now ex) husband falling in love with a younger woman. Falling in love with her a way he had never loved me. After ten years of working on his lack of passion, lack of intimate touch, years of supporting his working toward a more substantial relationship with embodiment, after working on helping him to overcome deep-rooted sexual issues, someone else was benefitting in a way I never had. And in a way I knew I never would.

Ten years in, we separated. It was time.

After we did, I fell head-over-heels in love with a couple who were having their own troubles. I rode that wave, willing to give it my all. But it was a doomed experiment. So I fell back to my default position; non-monogamy; “You don’t own me!” And I don’t own you. And you can’t touch me. My heart already hurts enough.

In all of this, I found the love of God, intact, strong, resilient. The true center of love of self, in my experience. No matter how deeply I might fall out of love with me, It was always there to pick me back up, put me back together, make me whole through my own surrendering.

God told me to keep working on it.; to work on balancing and healing Love, balancing and healing relationships between men and women. I asked “HOW?”, “How am I supposed to do this when attachment arises, and hunger looms, and I feel there’s never enough, never enough to fill me?”

An answer came in a rush of images. All beings are God. If God is Love, and God is limitless, than Love is limitless.

Shortly thereafter, I found love in the experience of , by reputation, the most culturally jealous men on the planet; Islamic men. I found love – albeit “chaste” and courtly love, and loved more than one.

I found my way through jealousy in the complex terrain of new cultural formats. I loved a man who was married. He could have taken me as his second wife, as it was culturally acceptable.

I felt no jealousy toward his wife. And as long as I kept it all in perspective, even this deep relationship had no need of going deeper. There was no chance we would actually marry.

But for a time period I was monogamous to a man who was in a committed, lifelong, primary relationship. And I wasn’t even having sex with him!

It was my first experience of being truly monogamous. I didn’t cheat. I was fulfilled. I felt full with this love, even though the physical consummation of that love was impossible.

I felt safe in that love.

Perhaps I felt safe because there was no future in it. Perhaps I felt safe because he told me what to do, gave me parameters.

Perhaps I felt safely held by his jealousy.

Fast forward; this has all been history, back story.

Two and a half years later, I’m married to a man who is not Muslim. Who is never jealous. I’m married to a man who is a committed polyamorist.

I’m married to a man who chose me partially because he knew me by reputation as an educator, and as an educator about open relationships.

All freshly forming relationships fall under a glamour in the blush of new love. We both asked the “right” questions in our courting, and heard what we wanted to hear. I asked, “Do you believe in monogamy as a possible relationship choice?” (or something like that), and he answered “Yes, absolutely, as long as both partners are happy in it.” I heard, “Yes…” and that was what I needed to hear.

I don’t recall what he asked, or perhaps he was just relying on my reputation for the certainty that “poly” would never be an issue.

We could both have been more clear in our questions, answers and desires in this arena. And of course it’s not the only area where we were perhaps vague in our communication of desire of expectation.

Polamory is just the biggest. It’s our albatross.

My husband and I don’t have any regrets about having chosen one another. It was a coming home when we found each other, and we entered into a life-long commitment of love, devotion, trust, and faith.

We are wildly passionate in our love, we are best friends, we are deeply caring with each other, we have allowed ourselves to be known by each other more deeply and completely than we have ever been known before.

In the art of true transparency, we know – and help to hold – one another’s deepest fears and greatest hopes.

These are some confessions of a “bad” polyamorist:

Confession: Even though I know how deeply and completely my husband loves me, even though he touches me with tenderness and passion, even though he wears his love for me on his sleeve, I still can’t always find trust.

Confession: Perhaps it’s been a self-fulfilling prophesy, but I have been burned again and again over the years by the open-relationship format, whatever you call it; non-monogamy, polamory, swinging.

Confession: In my fear, I’ve done my own share of burning, too.

Confession: I often see my husband’s old lovers who still want something from him as a threat.

Confession: Sometimes I see his lack of jealousy as a lack of love, a lack of devotion.

Confession: I am scared to death of losing him by clinging too much, and scared to death of losing him by letting him loose.

I am scared. And, confession; in that fear I retreat to the same place I always have, my too-sensitive warning system rings loudly, a robotic voice in the back of my mind clanging, “Danger! Danger! Danger!”, over and over again.

In our hearts and home, our life together is beautiful. Gentle. Passionate. Almost always understanding. Almost completely peaceful.

But, confession; there is an elephant in the middle of the room. Sometimes it walks away for a while, but it always comes back.

That elephant’s name is Jealousy, and she is mine.

Learning to be Human

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Today I start with frustration. It’s not the topic I want to write about. I am dead-tired of self-introspective, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing writing, yet here I am today, finding my self starting with my own self-indulgent expression of dissatisfaction.

Yesterday at therapy my (very awesome) therapist and I were talking about summer break. About how it’s easy for the kids, harder for the parents. The disruption of daily schedules. The breaking in of voices – pitching into the higher ranges as my kids get older,  the self-centered expression of teen-hood outranking the earlier experiences of differentiation by leaps and bounds.

But we got to the point in our conversation where we both agreed that time off was a good thing. That maybe we all deserved a break. A three-month vacation.

“Yeah.” I said. “I’d like a vacation from bipolar disorder.”

She laughed with me, and said, “Yeah, maybe that would make the rest of the year easier.”

To which I said, “Maybe. And maybe not.” Would it be easier to go back to this daily struggle after experiencing life without it? Would it be worth it to live for three months on even seas, and the rest on choppy waters?

My frustration comes in moments, sneaking up on me, of envy. Of watching people in the same work I was in when I was manic achieving at their full potential. And I get mad at the disorder that allowed both the energy to strive for my own expression, and the tendency to diverge from it. Projects half completed – book proposals written, and never published because of my incessant searching for the “Next Thing”.

And now, frustration at the side-effect of the mood stabilizers that allow me to live in relative peace and harmony with my daily responsibilities.

Except when desire arises, the desire to create, the desire to express, the desire to teach like I used to teach, and I find myself shackled to the need to maintain this steady ship that is my now more orderly, more ordinary, more stable life.

But to blame it all on the medication is unfair. The feeling of shackles that arises from time to time, yes. But my inability to offer at my fullest potential, what is that?

What is my fullest potential, the potential I am falling short of?

Waves of mania and depression caused a dual life. A life partially hidden, partially revealed.

It was not out of pride that I hid those moments of weakness, but out of self-defense. Being that vulnerable is not safe in a world that expects the world of you.

So I abdicated the role of teacher. Moved from the front of the room to the back, and slowly, quietly, exited the building altogether.

It’s not that I think spiritual teachers need to be perfect. Indeed, it is perhaps more important that they are not. And perhaps it is time for the teachers amongst us to unveil the basic humanity, the insecurities and failings that are the underpinnings of how we learn to teach.

According to his grandson, Arun Gandhi, Mohandas K. Gandhi asked repeatedly not to be called Mahatma, a word that basically means saint.

To paraphrase, he said that if he were called a saint, others would feel that being as he was and doing as he did would seem too out of reach.

So, perhaps in sharing my underbelly, perhaps in continuing to write, and to teach, in all my gore and gloriousness, in my moments of triumph and defeat, is actually offering myself at my full potential.

Indeed, if it is what I have to offer, it must be. If I were capable of offering more, I would offer more.

I have never been one for hero-worship. I kill the Buddha. Even in my most manic moments, I have never desired a pedestal. Perhaps a soapbox, but never a dias, never a throne, never a too-trusting and self-abdicating bow of the head at the flow of words that rush from my mouth or fingertips.

Engage with me. Here in the dirt of human experience, among the rough hard rocks and the fleeting, failing flesh of it all, I hope you can find it in you to allow for my wounds.

As a teacher, if I am such a thing, I request that you teach me. In vulnerability and strength, show me not only your best, but bring your worst. Teach me your inner story, share your moments of triumph and defeat, and your moments of glory.

Together we will learn what it is to be human. We will learn what it is to be holy and whole. We will learn to be perfectly imperfect, and imperfectly perfect.

Rumi says, “Out beyond our ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

That field awaits us. The one where there is no teacher and student, or were everyone is both. Where there is no expectation of perfection as a prerequisite for wisdom.

There is no path. That field is only a thought away. In fact, it is here, now.

The Devotion of Presence, The Presence of Devotion

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Dilemmas of a Householder

There was a time in my life where I so strongly desired to be in perfect Presence all the time that my desire for Presence became the greatest pain I had ever felt.

I sought absolute ego death; annihilation of self into Self, the surrender of “I” into that which is greater than all Its parts combined.

The desire to merge with the supreme and eternal – whether you call It God, Brahman, Allah, nirvana, liberation, or any of the other words we might use to describe the ineffable – became unbearable. I was being driven mad by it. Separation from Itness (God, Krishna, Nirvana, Allah…) was agony. I desired always to surrender myself to this deeper home.

Hari, hear my plea.
Dark One, I am
your servant,
a vision of you has driven me mad.
Separation eats at my limbs.
Because of you
I’ll become a yogini and ramble
from city to city scouring the hidden quarters -
pasted with ash, clad in a deerskin
my body wasting
to cinder.
I’ll circle from forest to forest
wretched and howling -
O Unborn, Indestructible,
come to your beggar!
Finish her pain and touch her
with pleasure!
This coming and going will end,
says Mira,
with me clasping your
feet forever.

-Mirabai

I found myself struggling with the life choices I had made. “If only I were a sadhu,” I thought, “then I could give myself over, cease the thinking, the planning. I could give myself fully to Presence. I could constantly allow for the sweet surrender that is the greatest Union.”

But that choice, the path of the sadhu, the path of austerity, was not the choice I had made in building my life. I had two children to attend to. A husband. A career. I had deadlines to keep, money to make, children to care for, to love and support.

For months the ache of longing and the confusion caused by my desire for Presence was like a sword stuck through my heart. The pain of separation was searing; almost unbearable.

But I had already made my choices about how I was going to spend my life; once a mother, always a mother. I could have left my career, I could have left my home, I could have left my husband. (As a matter of fact, the leaving of my now-ex-husband was already in the works.)

But I could never leave my children. The suffering caused would be too great.

And my love for them, I am almost guilty to admit, felt like a loadstone around my neck, heavy as an anchor, yet pointing in the only direction I could go; nowhere.

Finally I began asking, “What is Presence? How can I be committed to relationship with others, and Present in The Eternal at the same time? How do I stay Present in love?”

The question rolled around my mouth in wordless curls. It ricocheted through my mind. It bounced and bounded, banged against the edges of my self.

After weeks of weighty rumination, after hours of sitting on my zafu, after what felt like gallons of tears, and after surrendering fully to the burning pain of separation, I broke through the koan that had formed itself inside of me. In a moment of realization, the answer arrived, fully formed and lotus-like.

The question became the answer; “how can I be present in love” became, “love is Presence.” Love is not attachment. Attachment is not love.

Attachments are the causes of dukkha – often translated as suffering, though in my opinion this is a limiting interpretation of the term.

According to Tantra Yoga, these attachments are called kankucas, or “becloudings”. According to Georg Feuerstein, the kankucas can be translated as partiality, knowledge, attachment, time, necessity. Partiality, because we cease to allow for fullness of being. Knowledge, because we cease to allow for growth. Attachment, because it clouds possibility of outcome. Time, because it limits consciousness of the eternal. Necessity, because it limits us.

In Buddhist terminology, the attachments are called skandhas. The skandhas are form, sensation, perception, impulses, and consciousness.

Of these attachments, form is the strongest (and the easiest to encapsulate), because

1., form leads to the illusion of separation from the formless, and

2., because form is transitory, and attachment to form as self leads to dukkha.

The skandhas are the aggregates that form a sense of self, and are the causes of clinging.

All of the skandhas, or parts of the sense of self-as-form are the causes dukkha.

My attachment to what I considered the “perfect” form of Presence, was, at that time, causing my own suffering.

These are obstacles to liberation; the illusion of separation, and the expectations, desires, and responsibilities that we so often mistake as love and commitment.Mom and girls.

As a householder, the desire for subsumation into the nondual must merge with the path of devotion, which is often a dualist form of worship. Moment to moment, we dance between mergence and devotion.

Loving in Presence is showing up to my relationship with my children, my husband, and my responsibilities in life in the fullness with which I show up to my relationship with the Divine.

How do we stay present in love? How do we stay Present in abiding relationships with mortal beings? By releasing the illusion of separation, moment to moment.

And when we find ourselves in separation, we stay Present by devoting ourselves to those we serve as if they were God Itself.

Because, after all, they are.

Fearless in the Face of God – my journey to the Holy Land, part I

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God was, literally, talking to me. It (my gender-neutral pronoun – I just can’t say He!) was waking me from my dreams every night. It was giving me clear directives. It was telling me how to live my life, what to do, and how to do it.

When I wasn’t awakened by The Voice, it found It’s way in through my dreams. I could plug my ears, or sleep through the nightly sermon out of sheer exhaustion. But I couldn’t close my mind to it.

It was talking to me all the time.

“Okay,” I thought, “this is it. I’ve finally gone over the edge. Fallen into the deep end. Cracked. I’m hearing voices. That’s a bad sign. Right?”

For days, even weeks, I was disoriented, even afraid, as answers came in my sleeping and waking life – sometimes through words, sometimes through wordless knowing, sometimes through dreams. Lions, and hills, and choices, metaphorical forks in metaphorical roads.

The weirdest thing was that these answers were not always to Grand Questions – sometimes it was the little ones.

One The Voice told me not to use words in my writing that my spell-check didn’t recognize. For a woman “who grew up on Greek” that was a large commandment indeed. But so seemingly mundane.

But there was one command that came back again and again. “Arise,” the voice said, “and go to the Holy Land!” Okay, maybe it didn’t use exactly those words. After all, God spoke through an angel, and angels have their own language.

I could never remember the actual voice of The Angel, or even attributes to it. I couldn’t remember if it spoke English, or whether it “spoke” in esoteric sounds or signs that went straight to some secret, undiscovered part of my brain, some biological Rosetta Stone designed for the translation of the language of suprahuman beings to comprehension by the merely human mind.

Regardless, The Angel commended it, and I had to listen. The Angel plagued me with it. Sooner or later, it was not just the fact that The Voice was taking to me, but that it was telling me, over and over again, to do something I had no previous intention of doing.

I was going mad. At least I thought I was. Until I recognized the actual truth of it all; by categorizing the experience of clairaudience to the realm of madness, I wasn’t walking my talk.

I was a Mystic. The history of my spiritual path is built on the foundation of clairaudience, built on the first-person relationship with It, with God. Built upon exactly the kind of directives that It – The Voice – was giving me.

At the exact moment I needed it most, I found words that gave me the message I needed to move out of fear and into action. To paraphrase Andrew Harvey (from the book The Direct Path), the only way to not go mad as enlightenment descends is to not get attached to miracles.

So God was talking to me. So what?

But it was still God, and when God says jump, the only possible answer for a person of faith is, “How high?”

In this case it was high.

The details of how I found an actual way to get to the Holy Land are details for another day, and the stories that lead to my path of Mysticism, also relevant, will have to wait for later.

This story is about how I found the way in my heart to answer God’s call without fear.

There are plenty of examples in our collective religious and spiritual histories of God asking the untenable. Of God asking for sacrifices so large that the may break body, or spirit.

I knew that the directive being given to me could possibly do either.

We are afraid, culturally afraid, of The Other. In our xenophobic blindness, we turn our eyes away from women shrouded with the cloth if Islam.  I was afraid of terrorists.

I was afraid of the war without end that rages in the Middle East, the war that our collective religious history holds as the war to end all wars.

In facing my fears, my resistance, I looked in many directions for answers that would lead my heart to the ability to enter into this without fear.

The answer was to relinquish my fear of death. This was one I thought I had sorted out already. Death didn’t scare me! But facing the perceived courting of it did.

The first personal saint I found in learning this was a man who had been martyred for his seeking of peace. Tom Fox, a member of a Christian Peacemaker Team, gave me the first words that started me on my path towards this step towards liberation.

Tom died in Fallujah, working as an on-the-ground humanitarian. After repeated threats by the extremists to leave the area, and repeated please from the people of Fallujah not to, he was kidnapped with the rest of his team.

Fox had recognized that his peace activities entailed possible danger. He had left instructions as to what should be done if he was kidnapped. “Under no circumstances did he want any violent efforts to rescue him,” Maulden said.
-The Washington Post

These are among the last words he left for his family, back at home in the US; “If I am ever called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice in love of enemy, I trust that God will give me the grace to do so.”

What else could I offer, than a prayer this deep?

The next saint that was sent my way was Saint Gerasimos. The story of this saint is Saint Gerasimos and Jordanes. The story is long, but the part that was most important to me at the time was this:

One day Saint Gerasimos was walking along the Jordan River. He heard a roaring, a howling. Following it, Gerasimos found a lion with a thorn in its paw.  With absolute love, Gerasimos walked up to the lion and removed the thorn, and bound the paw with cloth.

From this point on, the lion was devoted to Gerasimos. The rest of the story of Saint Gersaimos and the Lion (who eventually earned the name Jordanes) is lovely too, but this first part gave me the one tool I needed to enter into this journey fearlessly; to encounter any potential danger with absolute love.

And enter into it with love I did. I had found the “how”. My heart wide open, nearly to the point of breaking, I entered into a seemingly perilous land fearlessly.

But I was still completely unsure of the “why”.

Arab Cawe

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The Arab cawe (coffee) is thick and bitter-sweet. Dark and steaming, I take a sip, sitting in the square in Bethlehem. I love this square. The vast expanse of worn marble in front of the church, the seats of carved stone.

When seated in front of the church, you see a mosque at the other end. This is a perfect image of my own journies in Palestine. I found Islam through Christ. Muhammad was not my first doorway.

It amazes me how marble feels alive, buttery, warm. The ancient marble holds stories. The living stone that has seen so much history unfold.

The marble seats that line the wall of the church in the square in Bethlehem hold memories for me now. Sitting for hours, watching Muslim girls and women walk by, Sheiks, Priests, street boys running in packs.

The world there feels more ancient. Architecture tells stories, and orchards of olive, fig and pomegranate trees hold ancient secrets in the crooks of branches, gnarled like an old man’s fist.

There is an image I saw in a shop in the hidden markets of Bethlehem – the places where only locals wend their way through shops offering cawe fresh ground, school uniforms, and the occasional gift shop.

The image; a photograph of an old Palestinian woman hugging an ancient olive tree that has been dismembered, with an Israeli jeep in the back ground. All that’s left of the tree is the trunk, and she’s holding onto it like it’s her dead lover.

Tears are streaming from the woman’s eyes, her face contorted in agony.

This image is not for sale. It is there as a reminder. A reminder of what’s been lost. A reminder of what’s being taken. A reminder that there are bulldozers tearing trees from the ground at this very moment.

And as always, the shop smells of cawe, and the owner asks us to sit, sit, enjoy a cup before you move on.

The scent of the coffee, the taste of it, tells stories. It calls to mind the poetry of Palestinian poet Mahmoud Darwish:
Here, where the hills slope before the sunset and the chasm of time
near gardens whose shades have been cast aside
we do what prisoners do
we do what the jobless do
we sow hope
…
You who stand in the doorway, come in,
Drink Arabic coffee with us
And you will sense that you are men like us
You who stand in the doorways of houses
Come out of our morningtimes,
We shall feel reassured to be
Men like you!
…
-State of Siege

The smell of Arab cawe calls to mind the Bedouin tents and shanties, the markets in Jerusalem, every home I entered in all my travels through the Arab lands, the Arabic tongue like music, rough and guttural, with melodic overtones.

It calls to mind a night spent in the courtyard of the only Mexican themed restaurant I saw in all of the Holy Land. My friends and I were sitting at a small table, coffee steaming in front of us.

At the next group of tables was a group of young Palestinians. They were obviously liberal, reformist. Young women sitting with young men, the hookah shared with ease in a way that older Palestinians do not posses.

But if they were liberal, so were we. I was a woman at a table of men. We were out sitting together, drinking together, talking politics.

There were other tables in the courtyard, quiet conversations echoing off the walls of the enclosed yard.

After urging from his comrades, a young man stands and recites. Everything but his voice falls silent, still. Not even a cup or bottle is raised to mouth. The hookah burns itself out.

I don’t understand Arabic with any fluency, but in my blood and bones I understand every word he says. I feel his meaning in my core. I don’t know how, but I recognize that it is Darwish’s words that stream with urgency from his lips. From his body. He is lost in the words, and we are lost in him.

He ends his recitation, and there is silence, then applause. Then requests called out from tables scattered around the small square we all share. We are lost in a moment purely poetic – not just in word, but in spirit, too.

He recites more Darwish. Then, in the next silence, he gives himself over to something new. Though I recognize nothing of the meter, I recognize the pain. It is his own; his own pain, his own poetry.

For bordering on an hour we sit still, rapt in a moment purely Arabic. A moment that lives in a culture that will still stop everything for a poet, for one who recites. A culture that holds the space for images and words that will someday stop the tanks, the jeeps, the suicide bombers.

Perhaps the pen is mightier than the sword. And an image, it is said, is worth a thousand words.

If these things are true, than someday – someday soon ensh’llah (God Willing) – these weapons that lead not to blood but to tears of understanding, a shared understanding of the human condition, these weapons that are tools, will win the war without end.

To Darwish, to the memory of him, to Palestine and those who love her,
To the Israelis and the Americans,
to the world, I offer this;

I invite you
to come inside
the sitting room
of my life

to smell the scent of the dirt that holds
the roots of jasmine
to smell the flower
to smell
the coffee brewing in the kitchen
strong, bitter, sweet
cardamom and sugar

(From Filistina, Ya Habibi – in memory of Darwish. Click here to read the rest of the poem.)

Send me the Sunset

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I ask you to
send me Arab coffee
but i want to say
send
the coffee vendor
crooked teeth and gentle smile
who stands with burnished cart
at the far end of the square

I ask you to
send maramia
but i want you to
send me
the scent of water and wild weeds
at Solomon’s Pools

I plead
send me a
strong smelling, rosewood rosary
frankincense
and myrhh
zatar

but deeply,
I long to walk again
in the Arab markets
of Jerusalem
Bethlehem
Al-Khalil

send me the
sights and sounds of
markets beautiful, bustling
over-abundant with riches crafted
by hands that hold, remember
ancient arts

send me
the greetings
arab coffee
sweet and tangy tea
friendly haggling
and gifts of the heart

send me
tender goodbyes shared with
strangers
made friends, in a quiet,
endless quest
for peace

“When you return to America
Tell them we shared coffee at my table
Tell them, we are not monsters.”

I say to you,
send me peace bracelets
sewn in the
Palestinian manner
crafted of the colors of the
flag with no country

but my heart cries out
for a day full of the smiles
that greeted me on the road
between the arch
and the tree

I ask for artwork from the market
when what I long for
is the call of the muezzin
adhan echoing
off ageless hills
and stone

send me the
sacred moments
how you and i would pray
your forehead touching the ground
humility washing you clean
five times a day
(your devotion to Allah inflaming
my own devotions
to my nameless, faceless
god)

send me sweet memories
how
tears graced my cheeks
at sunset
grateful for one more day
standing on the soil
of that land

I want to ask

“Please, send me the sunset.”

In Memory of Mahmoud Darwish, 13 March 1941 – 9 August 2008

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I wrote this piece on the day Mahmoud Darwish, Poet Laureate of Palestine, the voice of the Palestinian people, died. It is dedicated to him.

Filistina, Ya Habibi

(Palestine, My Beloved)

I invite you
to come inside
the sitting room
of my life

to smell the scent of the dirt that holds
the roots of jasmine
to smell the flower
to smell
the coffee brewing in the kitchen
strong, bitter, sweet
cardamom and sugar

I invite you
to dine with the ghosts there
all the poets
of an age gone by
breeze
is a breath
bone-chilling

listen
for the quiet keening
coming in through the shutters
as sun sets
on another shadowed, haloed day
these clouds you see gathered
they are dreams
resting out of reach

remind me who i am
as you
tell the stories of struggle
of a people
older than the dirt
that settles
on the concrete and rebar
of a thousand refugee camps

come have coffee at my table
and sing the old songs
the Jahili poetry
reminding us that
we had stories
before this one
we had stories
long before this one

the blood of my heart
spills on the soil
and feeds the fig trees
that have forgotten
not to grow

21*5*800 – Day 5 – The Stability of Fear

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The Caryatid

(Today’s 21*5*800 post is harder to publish without serious revision. It’s deeply personal, and intimate, and may not make sense. None of those are things I love to publish without serious work, serious thought, and serious introspection.. But yesterday Bindu suggested we write on fear, so here it is. Raw and wild, as fear often is.)

Sometimes I wonder what I’m most afraid of. Direction, or directionlessness? Madness, or stability?

In answering this question, some background is in order. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder nearly a decade ago. That diagnosis at once made my life more understandable – the unexplained acting out, risk taking, bursts of uncontrollable emotion – and made it less tenable.

I knew for years before I was actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder that my other diagnosis were inaccurate. Depression. Yes, I experienced depression. Deep depression. The kind that makes you think of death as the easy option. No fear there – just great desire for the suffering to cease.

But when you take those feelings of futility and mix them with the risk taking inherent in bipolar disorder, you end up with a dangerous cocktail of a lack of will to live, and a lack of fear.

Years of refusal for further diagnosis, years of riding the waves, from wipe-out to crest, and back again. I was surfing my own madness. Again, I wouldn’t say fear was the largest part of the picture.

I guarded myself – those moments of complete meltdown hidden in a cave-like retreat into anything other than the life I was living. The only fear I had was being perceived as vulnerable – because in a life where risk-taking does not equate fear, but excitement and a sense of being alive, vulnerability can be the most dangerous of states of being.

I learned the hard way to hide my vulnerability. To escape from it. My depression always felt so egocentric, that when I felt it coming on, I took flight. Just me and my truck, a safe place to curl into a ball, to court death like it was a lover, to see the edge and walk over it again and again.

Sometimes I’m amazed I survived those years. I hardened myself, manifesting a psychic armor impenetrable, once I learned where sharing my darkest moments could lead. And by the grace of God, in all my stupidly risky behaviours, never hurt myself too badly, and never caused consequences I couldn’t – with ethics intact – find my way out of.

Sure, I crushed some hearts along the way, but I chart that up to youthful ignorance – or innocence – as much as a symptom of my disorder.

It took years even after my diagnosis to realize that my manic states were even more egocentric than my depressed ones. When you’re high on the chemical cocktail that is mania, nothing is impossible. Fear becomes nothing but a challenge, and over-coming it a game.

After diagnosis, my first fear manifested as guilt. I had had two children, and my father was severely manic depressive, and how could I be sure that my children would not end up with the same disorder?

I couldn’t be. And the weight of this truth, this reality, this realization crushed my soul. I felt like a Caryatid holding the weight of the architecture of my life on my head, still trying to stand tall, trying to hold it all up, while the weight compressed my spine, capped the lid on my emotions.

I knew before my diagnosis that I was bipolar. I could see the patterns that my father exhibited while I was growing up mirrored with increasing accuracy in my own life.

But the diagnosis, while making sense of my earlier and ongoing symptoms, was not enough to make me change my relationship with my disorder in a truly responsible way.

When I was depressed – and I mean really depressed – I would seek treatment. I’d go on an antidepressant, try other meds, and always end up at the same conclusion. Wellbutrin was my Super Man pill. It was mania in a bottle. With weeks or months I’d be flying high on the sweet winds of possibility – and then from there, jumping feet first into my ability to save the world from villains, jump buildings in a single bound.

In mania, all was forgotten, all was forgiven. And in the forgetting, things were overlooked. I never bailed on my children in an irresponsible way, but I built my career (a deck of cards, as anyone knows who’s gone out on that limb of creative manifestation. Or perhaps a high-wire act, with no net) and threw myself into. It working sometimes 17 hour days, touring and teaching, achieving and achieving.

I wrote a book, built a modest yet committed following, made some money practicing “right livlihood”….

And leaving my babies behind for weeks at a time to be parented by their father.

Again back to guilt.

Nine years post-diagnosis, I have found fear. One marriage down, years of risky behaviour under my belt, and the realization that I only have this one chance to make it right with my kids, and the additional incentive of being in a relationship I am committed to creating as a life-long reality, I have found enough fear to motivate me to change my pattern.

The cost of mania was too high a price to pay, and it’s true that my deep depressions may sooner or later have truly caused some serious damage to myself and my family.

So for the first time I went on a mood-stabilizer.

Now fear is a path I navigate with consciousness, sometimes to the point of hyper-vigilance.

Though more stable than I have ever been, this path of balance is bordered on all sides by fear. Girded by it. When I feel happy, I get afraid that I might be getting manic. When I get sad I fear that I’m getting depressed. When I get ready to try new things, or pass out of my comfort-zone, I get afraid that I will be destabilized, and have to start over with building this house of safety, constructed by constriction.

I get afraid that I will never again have the fearless drive that allowed me to write and publish my first book. I get afraid that I will never again feel the painless one-pointedness (clinically known as hyper-focus) that allowed me to make a living doing what I love. I get afraid that I will never feel safe riding my edges or spreading my wings.

I get afraid that fear of fear itself may smother me.

When seeing these words, even I wonder if the cure is worse than the disease.

But in the day-to-day, I see the positive results of my perhaps self-limiting choices. Perhaps when limits are without horizon, and tight-wire balance is a walk in the park, self-limitation is exactly what’s called for.

The rewards of fear are something I have undervalued for years – or perhaps discounted altogether.

My fear-turned-conscious is what allows me to stay present in my daily life. To slay the demons that arise; the ones that make me more important that the rest of my life – when really, what am I without that rounding out, that grounding in, the life I’ve chosen.

I chose to be a mother. To be a wife. To be a participant in the co-creative endeavor that is family.

Today, this is what I know; fear is a tool, if you just hold it right.

21*5*800, Day 4 – The Presence of Devotion, The Devotion of Presence

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Today you will have to go over to elephant journal and read The Presence of Devotion, The Devotion of Presence for my 800 words.

I feel slightly like I cheated today, though I probably wrote (and unwrote) 800 words anyway. Somehow editing doesn’t seem to count as writing for me, which is silly, since as you will see if you read yesterday’s piece, There is a balance between living and dreaming this is a totally different piece.

Now I gotta run, or at least walk, over to the mat and get my asana on!

Enjoy your day, and I look forward to your comments at elephant.

21*5*800 Day 3-There is a balance between dreaming and living

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Here is today’s writing. It’s become the basis for my weekly column at elephant journal. Tomorrow I’ll post the edited version, titled The Presence of Devotion – Dilemas of a Householder II, at ele. But in the spirit of my commitment to post my writing for this experiment daily (or mostly daily), here is the raw material!

There is a balance between dreaming and living.

When I say dreaming, I mean dreaming as in desiring. Dreaming, as in reaching towards a future outcome.

We may dream of journies, of moving, dream of making more money, dream of the harvest, dream of what tomorrow, next week, next month, next year may bring.

You often hear that you should reach for your dreams, but what about when reaching for becomes chasing after?

Dreams exist outside of this moment. Dreams so easily become attachments. And attachments are the source of suffering.

Living is about being present, though it is not possible for most of us to live in full presence all of the time. Sometimes we need to plan, to construct futures that we can work towards, momentum towards a goal, or even just the planning that makes daily life run smoothly.

There was a time in my life when I was so strongly desiring the ability to be in perfect presence all the time – that sense of being fully empty, fully subsumed, fully at one with the Itness that is everywhere present and nowhere localized*, whether you call It Brahman, God, Allah, nirvana, liberation.

The desire for the subsumation into absolute nondualist presence was the greatest pain I had ever felt.

In my mind found myself struggling with the choices I had made. “If only I were a Sadhu,” I thought. “Then I could give myself over, cease the thinking, the planning. I could give myself fully to presence. Constantly allow for the sweet surrender that is the great Union.”

But that was not the choice I had made in building my life. I had two children to attend to. A husband. A career. I had deadlines to keep, money to make, children to care for, love, and support.

For months the ache of longing and the confusion caused by my desre for presence was like a sword in my heart. The pain of separation was searing; almost unbearable.

But I had made my choices about how I was to spend my life; once a mother, always a mother. I could have left my career, I could have left my home, I could have left my husband. (As a matter of fact, the leaving of my husband – now ex-husband – was already in the works.)

But I could never leave my children.

And my love for them felt, I am almost guilty to admit, like a loadstone around my neck, heavy as an anchor, and pointing in the only direction I could go; nowhere.

Finally I began asking, “What is presence? How do I stay present in love? How can I be committed and present at the same time?”

The question rolled around my mouth in wordless curls. It ricocheted in my mind. It bounced and bounded, banged against the edges of my self.

After weeks of weighty rumination, after hours of sitting on my zafu, after what felt like gallons of tears, and after surrendering fully to the burning pain of separation, I broke through the koan that had formed itself inside of me. In a moment of realization, the answer arrived, fully formed and lotus-like.

Love is not attachment. Attachment is not love. Attachment are the expectations and responsibilities that that we so often mistake as love.

But true love – actual, fully realized love – is not these things. Actual love is presence.

The question became the answer; “how can I be present in love” became, “love is presence.”

The act of love as a sacred offering is presence. When we fall out of presence and into desire, into lack, into attachment, we fall out of love.

Love is devotion; but devotion void of any expectation. No expectation of return, of outcome, of reward.

Actual love, absolute love, is showing up to my relationship with my children, my husband (yes, I found The One and married again), my life in the fullness with which I show up to my relationship with the divine.

Because, after all, they are the same.

While the path of the sadhu may be (or at least seem) an easier one for the purpose of total devotion to God, the path of the Householder is a practice that puts the rubber to the road.

How do we stay present in love? By devoting ourselves to those we serve, as if they were God Itself. Because they are. How do we stay present in that love? By staying present in our devotion to God Itself.

Presence is where you are right now. Presence is not always bliss. Sometimes presence is painful, dirty, messy, desperate, confusing. But each of these states has equal potential for true presence.

Many of us get caught in the trap of thinking of presence as bliss. Presence as subsumation. Presence as emptiness.

But presence is merely a turning of the mind toward What Is. And in the path of householding, “What Is” is loving without expectation. Loving without desire for something other than the fulfillment that this moment of full presence offers.

21*5*800, Day 2: This is how the world ends…

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(Read about the 21*5*800 challenge here.)
Today’s exercise began as “What to do when the world is ending…” and ended up being “This is how the world ends…” It’s not finished, and never will be; a creative expression of my own overwhelm at the state of Things As They Are…and my own eternal and present solution to the overwhelm and pain. Read if you like. Comment if you will.

What to do when the world is ending…
crouch under a table, cover your head, shield your eyes.

What to do when the world is ending…
point a finger in blame, hang our heads in shame, cry.

What to do when the world is ending…

Keep on living.

Trees grow from rock
flowers bloom in fields of concrete,
cracks revealing dirt,
sun, wind and rain converge to create, sustain, reinvent new life.

This is how the world ends…not with a bang, but a whimper

Or standing tall we
Reverse the order of things, finding a rhythm to the secret standards that fly
Wind borne
high above heads
that cower
The sky is falling, the sky is falling…

Raining thunder and crashing lightening,
this is the way the world begins
again

Towers crumbling
Cards face up on an ancient table

Ending
beginnings
beginnings endings by nature
a grand design
we forgot somewhere along the way

Dark night
Is the only way to get
To day

A new world
a new realization
a new song
to sing
a new story

About worlds ending, worlds beginning, crumbling, cracks, fissures
all a home to things that fly

There are rumours of peace
whispering
in winds of
damage showered upon
nations without flags
Freedom flotlillas
the victims of
premeditated
piracy

This is how the world begins
not with a whisper, but with a bang.

I heard the news today
that a 19 year old was among those shot on the flotilla
bringing supplies to Gaza.
(Not that it should matter, but he was also an American citizen.)

And yet, no outcry
from a government afraid of losing
a foothold in a nation half a world away.

We are allied with the aggressor,
oppressor,
a million lives lost to unending piracy
no man is an island.

We are the aggressor,
oppressor,
we are the oppressed.

Tired of a million years of war
you think we’d learn to lay down the weapons
sit at the table
learn how to use our words
learn how to talk.

If the pen is mightier than the sword
than why are we not a world united by
words of peace written
in the blood of a million martyrs
from a million wars
for a million causes
all freedom fighters
all seeking liberation
all allied and aligned with some
higher purpose

a million bloody years, a million bloody wars, millions upon millions of wounded, dead and dying

and we are all dying
a million little deaths

the space between me and that
an illusion, a trick of smoke and mirrors
we’re all earth in the end, or air, or ash.

There is no end to a
cell that divides
divines

A new future built in the cracks and fissures
a million broken bodies fertilizing a resurrection
seed taking root in the cracks

Today I saw footage of the brown pelican, of fish, of reeds and soil soaked in oil,

This is how the world ends
Not in a bang
But in a spill, a slick, a gush, a geyser

Moment by moment fewer species
swimming in the gulf

This is how the world begins
night leading to day
every morning, every moment a new place to stand

I read the news today, about a million reasons we can’t change the way we live quickly enough
The sky is falling
or rather, it’s opening up

A crack, a fissure, wide enough to let the sunlight in
like never before

A million dinosaurs can’t be wrong
bleeding their seasoned blood into
a million tankers

We cut the trees
and the rain stopped falling.
what will happen when we have bled the earth dry
substrata rubbing roughly
rock against rock
dry, chaffing, no lubrication

I read the news today and saw the carnage.

Choose your battles, cries an overburdened mind bent on
saving the world.

What’s a bodhisattva to do when
a million sources of pain pour in,
pain pooling in a heart
dedicated to liberation

like a million freedom fighters

This is how the world begins;
a heart choosing
to feel the pain and love anyway
to pick up the pen and write
a new story

What is there left
when we realize that all the work that has been done never outweighs the work there is to do
like a river breaking through a dam,
healing or pain?

Farms downstream washed away, lives erased by millions of gallons of water
yet for the fish that finally swims free, there is liberation
in a dam breaking

There is nothing to hold on to
water rushing past
the choice is simple

This is how the world
ends
how it
Begins
every moment a choice
to do no harm

There is no choosing
there is only presence
samscara released in liberation
an eternal letting go

This is how the world ends;
attachment ceasing
into presence.

21*5*800, Day 1 – Practice Makes Presence

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Road of Gold - Sun on Water

(Read about the 21*5*800 challenge here.)

Practice is called practice for a reason. We never reach the end of it. There is no end point to practice.

When we apply the word practice to spiritual pursuit, it can tend to gain some onerous weight, like there’s some goal to be reached. Some final gate to walk through. Some level of attainment we are supposed to achieve.

But when we take practice and apply it to the idea of a life-long pursuit, perhaps it makes more sense. Artistic creation requires practice. Long hours at the cello, in front of the canvas, at the keyboard.

Practice never does make perfect, and any illusion that it has is just an excuse to give up growth.

The same applies to healing. There is no “healed” – no golden moment of all our sins being washed away, of complete and permanent peace.

If we are lucky, we may find that peace, complete and perfect, though transitory, in moments of insight, meditation, prayerfulness, presence.

Sitting on a rock outcropping overlooking the Kinneret – the Sea of Galilee, I had one such moment. It was my birthday, and I was in the Holy Land.

(Yes all land is holy, but calling the Holy Land by this name is not inaccurate, and is the most politic way I can refer to the region that is comprised of Israel and Palestine, the war torn region plagued by broken hearts and broken lives on both sides of the ever-moving “green line”.)

Back to the rock out cropping. It was early dawn, and I had left the beaten path, encountered animals alien to me, let my heart overcome fear of walking in the gloaming hours through unknown territory, literally crawled trough brambled bushes and found footing on unsure soil to find this perfect place to greet the sun on the day of my birth.

It wasn’t a special year, just a special day. No decade marker, just the year I happened to respond a divine calling and left for a foreign land by the grace of a God I had a growing relationship with.

I found my special rock, this unknown destination, and prayed while the sun rose over Golan Heights. Light spilled, a cascade of gold filling a perfectly clear day in late May. As it hit the water below and in front of me, it became a golden road spreading in front of me. A road to nowhere, and road with no end, a road to the center.

I dropped into prayer, and asked “What next? What do you want from me next?” All of a sudden there was no next. There was only the road, and me, and where I was on it, with infinite possibility in front of me. I began crying gently, tears rolling down my cheeks. I knew I was already taking every step in perfect grace. That the steps I had taken already had lead me to this divine moment. That there was nothing more called for then perfect faith.

I settled into the awareness of total presence. Or rather, came present to total awareness. I held God holding me in the perfection of that moment.

And then realized I was also holding God. That the presence outside me was inside me, too. That perfection was present in every cell, every atom activated with passionate presence. I was nothing separate. I felt myself ceasing into waves of bliss, the heart beat of the Kinneret, the heart of the dessert, my own heart beating. The air nothing other than my own body. I ceased completely, held by, and holding, and ceasing all at once.

Sometimes awareness of divine states can pull us out of them. But this time was different. I stayed present in the echoing God that was not separate from my own being. Completely secure, and fully dissolved, I was the universe in toto.

Not that it was all me. I became the drop in the ocean, ceasing to be a drop any longer. I was the ocean. The ocean was me.

Rumi talks of this state, using metaphors of sunlight, of water, of drunkenness.

When we break through longing and come present in what is, that is where the road to peace, for one solitary moment, eternal, ends. There is nowhere to go, we are already there. There is nothing to strive for; we are already all that is. There is no longing; we are already home in the beloved.

A Sufi sage, philosopher and theologian, whose name I can’t recall at the moment says God (Allah – the One God is one god), cannot be contained anywhere but in the heart of his “slave”, or to use an easier word, his devotee. The actual quote I will find and tack onto the end of this post. *

Once God has taken over our heart, there is no more longing.

Unfortunately, sooner or later, this state of grace, or at least our attention to it, wavers. We turn away from presence, lose contact, fall away for pure awakening, lose our home in the heart, our own heart, the heart of God.

And then we are reduced to words. Words that will never offer the truth of an experience that is mysterious, the destination that is not a destination out of reach of translation.

There are places where words fall short.

* “My heaven containeth Me not, nor My earth, but the heart of My faithful servant doth contain me.” The Holy Quran, as quoted by Seyyed Hossein Nasr

21*5*800; Community Event STARTS TOMORROW, June 8.

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21*5*800; 21 days, yoga five days a week, writing 800 words a day. STARTS TOMORROW, June 8.Perfect timing for me!

Join in a community endeavor designed for the writing yogi/ni, the writer who wants to do more yoga, or the yogi who wants to do more writing.

It’ll be easier than you think. Here’s the low down from Bindu:

THE WRITING: The writing can be ANYTHING. Memoir, blogs, business plans, essays, fiction, free-writing, letters,……..ANYTHING. The point is to get writing again daily and to have the boundaries and challenge of a daily word count to reach.

THE YOGA: There are several options for you to do the yoga portion of 21.5.800 5 times in 7 days.  Here are the options: 1. Go to a yoga class in your ‘hood. 2. Do a yoga dvd at home. 3. Take a 20-40 minute savasana

I’m joining. You?

I will be posting my 800 words daily. (Unless they get too strange, personal, topical, or something else.) But believe you me, I will be writing 800 words a day.

Comment on my blog entries, and I’ll comment on yours! :)

Sheikh Bukhari, man of peace, laid to rest in Jerusalem at age of 61

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Sheikh Bukhari“Sufi sheikh who preached nonviolence laid to rest”…may his spirit guide us still.

One of the sweetest men I have ever met, a man I am grateful to have had the occasion to learn from and work with (for far too short a time), a man of peace and true heart, has passed on. I pray there is someone who can and will gracefully step into the spot his death leaves open.

But it is an opening in the hearts of …many, and in a political and spiritual terrain that is difficult to navigate. A true sage, Sheik Bukhari will move onto to his next place with peace. As he said, his bags were already packed for this journey. May his heart beat chant of “Allah, Allah, Allah…” (“God, God, God…”) live on in the eternity of spirit.

May the teachings of Sheik Bukhari continue to lead us toward peace.

Read an excellent piece on Sheikh Bukhari here.

REVIEW: Art, Visual and Written, Aman Mojadidi

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Self Titled #2The visual and written work of Aman Mojadidi is head and heart provoking. A bold vision and voice that brings conflict, global and personal, back home to the “I” through the transpersonal and interpersonal. May it break hearts open. Perhaps life will find hold in the fissures left behind.

If nothing else, be sure to read Mojadidi’s artist statement. And you can find a few of Mojadid’s works at the following links:

Survival Kit

The Caged Culture Won’t Sing

Conflict Bling

My 39th Birthday!

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A year is a measure of time between two points. The day that anniversary marks is by nature both an ending and beginning.

Birthdays have had gravity for me for many years. My own personal “new year” – I take inventory, whether I want to or not. What have I done to better myself? What have I done to better the world? What significant moments have come to pass in the sat year? What do I want more of in the year to come.

My daily to-do list for the coming year:
1. Love yourself.
2. Love your life.
3. Love your kids.
4. Love your man.
5. Meditate, pray, give it over when it’s time.
6. Stay healthy – yoga, Pilates, running, eating right, sleeping right, all that stuff!
7. Stay creative in all things.
8. Never lose your sense of purpose. Stated more positively, remember your sense of self, and your mission.
9. Be gentle when you can’t do it all.

Remember when you were 7 and a half? 9 and a quarter? I’ve turned 39. Now, I head gently into my 40th year.

Tomorrow I will be 39 plus one day. I plan on making every day between here and the day – 365 from now – that I get to crown myself with the decade marker of 40 years breathing on my own, count.

Getting the Relationship You Want

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love1. Be yourself, and represent yourself truly and fully. If you don’t, you’ll be getting into a relationship with someone who thinks they’re getting into a relationship with someone other than the real you! Not a good start to a relationship that you may want to be a lifelong thing, right?

Show up as who you are. It’s the only way to find the one you want; the one who really wants you.

2. Know what you want, and settle only for someone that blows that list to the wind. Make sure the relationship you’re getting into fulfills many of the “required” elements. Be easy with the items that are not deal breakers. And even with a few of the hard core ones, sometimes.

3. Do things you like to do, and don’t do things you don’t like to do. If you hate baseball and you go to a game to meet someone, it’s likely you’ll have to live with baseball for the rest of your life. If you go to the bar to meet someone and you don’t drink, same result.

If you love rock climbing and you go rock climbing and meet someone, or find a rock climbing group and find a buddy to climb with, presto, better fit from the start.

Other ideas for meeting potential partners; go to the park, go hiking, go bowling (it’s fun!), do whatever you love to do.

Having a hard time thinking of things? Write down a list.

4. Enjoy life. Be yourself. Trust yourself, and know that you’ll know when it’s right. Have faith. Magnetize the Right One by radiating the love you seek.

Be open minded; maybe it really is this simple.

How to Grow a Grateful World: Three Steps to Engaged Gratitude

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seedlingDo you want more gratitude in your life? If so, cultivate it! This article will give you tools that allow you to take an active part in creating a more grateful world.

As AJ Muste, a committed nonviolent peace activist said, “There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.” The more we practice peace, the more peace becomes our lives. Just like peace, we can live in gratitude every moment.

Even in the midst of intense conflict, we can be cultivate gratitude.

The best ways to create gratitude in your experience of the world – in your world, your home, your life, your heart – is to practice, invest in, and engage with it. In addition to a host of physical health benefits from stress relief to heart health, recent studies prove that gratitude decreases both depression and loneliness.

Gratitude can also become a path of service that leads to acts that benefit humanity. Grow gratitude, and offer future generations a more beautiful world.

Grow Your Gratitude, in Three Steps:
1: Invoke and Embody Gratitude

Make gratitude real in this moment. Create gratitude in your very core.

Gratitude practice, asking powerful questions, inducing positive states, prayer and meditation are all ways to invoke gratitude. So is looking at your child, or your beloved. So is smelling a flower, or looking at your favorite piece of art. For some of us, listening to music, dancing, or running is an easy way to find the way to the gratitude nested inside of us.

With a little bit of practice, or for some even without, wherever we are, whatever we’re doing, we can invoke and embody the presence of gratitude.

Love can be a powerful doorway to gratitude. For now, an easy way to manifest the presence of gratitude is to think of something that makes you feel a love beyond limits, unconditional, eternal. The perfect love.

You may find this love at the heart of deep prayer, in the arms of your beloved, sharing a smile with your child.

Feel it. Breathe it in. And out. Ahhhh. There it is. Now feel it even more. Let your heart, your whole being, glow with this love, and allow it to grow into a full sense of gratitude.

Let each breath expand it, each heartbeat ground it in your being.

2: Grow Your Gratitude!
Gratitude heals the heart. This is true on multiple levels. Of course it makes sense on the metaphorical level – how could becoming grateful NOT heal a broken heart?

When we experience loss, healing comes from realizing that the sum total of the impact of any experience was for the best. When we get this, it becomes easy to be grateful for the experiences we encounter.

In addition to the metaphorical, gratitude also heals the actual physiology of your heart. This is metaphorically wonderful, and scientifically true! Gratitude practice is recommended as part of many heart surgery and heart disease recovery programs.

How does it work? Gratitude is the antidote for stress, anger, anxiety and many other ills. Stress, of course, is a huge contributor to both heart disease and heart attack.

Gratitude offers a rest to our physiological systems. For instance, say you’re standing in line at the grocery store, and the people in front of you are taking forever. You may be late getting to wherever you’re going, but is stressing out about it going to change the fact that you’re stuck in line? Not a chance!

The one thing you CAN change is how you are experiencing the moment. So, instead of obsessing about your situation, thinking of the negative outcomes, or giving in to the stress, take the time as an opportunity to cultivate gratitude.

Even starting small will work. You can be grateful that you have the money to buy food. You can be grateful that you have a chance to read those scintillating headlines on the trashy mags in the rack.

I often get really simple with it, and remember to be grateful that I have a moment to be in stillness and silence. Waiting in line is a perfect opportunity for a moment of standing meditation.

This choice is affecting you, and as a true believer in systems theory, I posit that perhaps, in some subtle way, it affects everything. Your stress is not just your stress.

Your gratitude is the same way. As you choose relaxation and gratitude instead of stress, the effect ripples outward. Your interaction with the cashier is going to be different. His or her interaction with the next person in line may well be different, too.

Even on the purely personal level, the benefits are too many to mention. Gratitude is SO much nicer to hold in our physical systems than the alternative.

Another wonderful bonus is that because our minds sort for, and we notice, that which we expect, when we start practicing gratitude, we start noticing more and more to be grateful for.

Gratitude practice, just like any other practice, becomes easier the more you do it!

3: Make Love a Verb; Gratitude in Action!
Love and gratitude become more powerful by far when put into engaged action. Engagement is the final step of this process. Take your gratitude and DO something with it.

That something might be sitting in prayer, sitting in community, sitting in silence. But think of how much more prayer you’d bring if you were to host group prayer nights at your home. Consider how much more gratitude you’d bring to your community through a shared gathering.

When you find gratitude for the food on your table, let it remind you that you can reduce suffering in the world by offering food to those in need. Make a meal, box it up, and offer it to a local homeless person you’ve seen around.

While you’re at it, have a conversation with this person.

At a Season for Nonviolence gathering I attended in 2007, Dr. Arun Gandhi, the great, great grandson of the Mahatma, pointed out that compassion is very different from pity. I paraphrase the esteemed man here:

“Pity offers the food and hopes the person will walk away with it. Compassion offers the food, asks the person how they ended up on the streets, witnesses the story, and does it’s part to cause an end to the reasons that this person and others end up without.”

In gratitude, I leave you with his words, and hope they echo through your world.

An Empowerment for Presence: Change Your Mind, Change the World

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Doorway to LightThe world is what you make it. The Buddha is credited with this quote:

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.”

Consider how you are making your world – what thoughts are building what outcomes in your life?

If you can change how you think, you can change what you experience. There are any number of possible realities available in any given moment. Vantage, your position within and in relation to the rest of existence, counts for a lot.

What if you were to stand in a different position, look in a new direction? We are limited, grounded, by our perspective. On a physiological level, we can only see what’s in our field of vision. And even then, we only truly see parts of the picture. Much of what we “see” is generated by what our mind thinks should fill in the blanks.

The same thing happens with our minds. We see what we’re looking at. So, change your perspective. Change your frame. Change your mind. And watch the world change with you.

A Meditation on Peace, and the Prayer of Saint Francis

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Saint FrancisPrayer of Saint Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

A Meditation for Presence: Be Peace
The words offered up by Saint Francis present a powerful opportunity to create the world – by being in the world the way we want the world to be.

When we plant a seed, we offer the world the plant, and we also get to watch it grow. When we are the germinal point for light and love, we are, without fail, surrounded by it.

Plant seeds of hope, seeds of peace, seeds of joy. Become the beacon of your own offering – offer peace, and find yourself enveloped by it. Offer forgiveness, and find yourself forgiven. Offer love, and find yourself surrounded by it.

Moms and Self Care; Do it For Those You Love

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Fit Mom with babyAs a mom, sometimes the most perfect intentions for self love and self care fall short of reality. You have a very full life, and it’s often a challenge to find the “extra” time to build in those moments of self-nurturing.

Resistance may be deeper than it even looks at first, too. When you first start taking your self care seriously, you may find excuse after excuse that allows you to not follow through on your commitments.

Your desire for self care may end up doing battle with your self-worth. And you may have no idea how strong your resistance is until you put your self-care goals into action.

But as you realize the impact that your behavior has on the world around you, you’re bound to take your self-care more and more seriously.

So get out there; take a run at the lake. Take a hike in the woods. Take a walk on the beach. Get a membership at your local gym and work those muscles into shape.

Remember that you’re practicing self-care not only for yourself, but also because you want to offer your best self, you whole self, to your family and the world.

You also want your children to see that it’s their right, and their responsibility, to take good care of themselves, too.

Our children will emulate what we do, and who we are. So if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for those you love. Help your children grow beautifully into their strength.

The best thing you can do to create that outcome is to model it from where you stand. Or, as the case may be, from where you run!

Thank You Constance McMillen; A Victory for One is a Victory for All!

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The good news of the week; Constance McMillen, the young woman whose request to wear a tuxedo and take her girlfriend to her senior prom was denied, has won a hearing about the violation of her First Constance McMillenAmendment rights; the right to freedom of speech.

McMillen’s family has been amongst some of her strongest supports in this time of struggle, but others who have championed McMillen’s cause have been – of course – the ACLU, Ellen Degenres, many other high-profile celebs, hundreds or thousands of supporters who have joined together on a facebook fan page, and many who have written, blogged, and spoken out about the plight that Constance – and many others who have not had the where-with-all to raise their voices – have suffered.

McMillen has a become a true hero of our times in being willing to champion this case through. Her victory is a victory for all in the momentum of the movement towards equality.

Thank you, Constance McMillen, for being a strong voice speaking with certainty and reason.

Outrageous Roots and a Bright Future; Sex and Feminism

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Reprinted from Gauntlet Magazine, 1999, edited 10/2008, very partial edit, 3/2010, edit, 3/25/2010Victoria Claflin Woodhull, mrs. satan

Neo-Feminism:

I call myself a neo-feminist rather than a post-feminist. Post-feminist implies that feminism may indeed be dead, as was the cultural myth for a while (still under debate?) whereas the term neo-feminist illustrates that the movement is vital, alive, evolving.

The term post-feminist gives the impression, however subtle, that there is nothing of feminism to save. To the contrary; there is not just one legacy of feminism to own, but many. Even the “Radical Feminism” of the ‘70s has left us with growth to salvage. Yes, with many attitudes to discard as well. But let’s not call it a waste of time.

It has never been easy to be a trail-blazer. There is a lot of self doubt, and the need for an almost religious fervor.

Our Roots: The Marginalized Feminist Legacy

Victoria Claflin Woodhull

One of the least remembered yet most astounding feminists of all time, Victoria Claflin Woodhull was the first woman to run for the Presidency of the United States of America. In the election of 1872, nearly 50 years before women even had the vote and generations ahead of her time, Ms. Woodhull ran a Presidential campaign with a male Vice-Presidential running mate.

In 1870 she announced her campaign. This excerpt is from a notice placed in the Herald:

While others of my sex devoted themselves to a crusade against the laws that shackle the women of the country, I asserted my individual independence…While others sought to show that there was no valid reason why a woman should be treated…as a being inferior to man, I boldly entered the arena of politics and business and exercised the rights I already possessed. I therefore claim the right to speak for the unenfranchised women of the country and…I now announce myself as a candidate for the Presidency.
Victoria Claflin Woodhull, from Barbara Goldsmith’s Other Powers, pp. 212

With her sister Tennessee Claflin Victoria ran an investment firm on Wall Street, and together they published a newspaper that caused much ruckus. Ms. Woodhull was a strong pro-sex feminist, and was vilified in the media of the day, even to the extent of being titled “Mrs. Satan” in a political cartoon. This was in 1872. Victoria Claflin Woodhull was a suffragist, a firm believer in equality of the sexes, and a champion of “free love.”

“Of all the radical ideas then current, free love was the most controversial. It represented the ultimate expression of female liberation and profoundly threatened a male-dominated society.”
Barbara Goldsmith, Other Powers, pp. 139

Victoria, after a somewhat brief yet intensely tumultuous rise to the forefront of the women’s movement, was shunned and abandoned by her community. She ended her days a “proper matron” in England.

Emma Goldman

On the heels of Victoria, Emma Goldman gained notoriety. “Red Emma” as she was called (regardless of the fact that she was not a member of the communist party) is one of the most famous anarchists in American History. Like Ms. Woodhull, Ms. Goldman was also devoted to free love, and to the right of women to control their own fertility and destiny.
At the tender age of 20, Emma was the survivor of a miserably failed marriage. Already disillusioned, she claimed her freedom from that time forth.

“…I had seen enough of the horrors of married life in my own home. Father’s harsh treatment of mother, the constant wrangles and and bitter scenes that ended in mother’s fainting spells…Together with my own marital experiences they had convinced me that binding people for life was wrong…
“If ever I love a man again, I will give myself to him without being bound by the rabbi or the law,” I declared, “and when that love dies, I will leave without permission.”
Living My Life, Emma Goldman, pp. 36

The year was 1887. Though Emma did marry again, she also divorced again. She stayed true to her vow of freedom, loved honestly, passionately, and often. On occasion, she took more than one lover concurrently.

Emma did not claim feminism as her battle; she was viciously devoted to equal rights for all. In her autobiography she wrote:

“…I was invited (to speak) by the Women’s City Club. Five hundred members of my sex, from the deepest red to the dullest grey, came to hear me speak on “Feminism.” They could not excuse my critical attitude towards the bombastic and impossible claims of the suffragists as to the wonderful things they would do when they got political power. They branded me as an enemy of women’s freedom, and club-members stood up and denounced me.
The incident reminded me of a similar occasion when I had lectured on woman’s inhumanity to man. Always on the side of the under dog, I resented my sex’s placing every evil at the door of the male. I pointed out that if he were really as great a sinner as he was being painted by the ladies, woman shared the responsibility with him. The mother is the first influence in his life, the first to cultivate his conceit and self-importance… Woman is naturally perverse, I argued… she idolizes in him the very traits that help to enslave her — his strength, his egotism, and his exaggerated vanity. The inconsistencies of my sex keep the poor male dangling between the idol and the brute, the darling and the beast, the helpless child and the conqueror of the worlds. It is really woman’s inhumanity to man that makes him what he is. when she has learned to be as self-centered and as determined as he, when she gains the courage to delve into life as he does and pay the price for it, she will achieve her liberation, and incidentally help him become free. Whereupon my woman hearers would rise up against me and cry: “You’re a man’s woman and not one of us.”
Living My Life, Emma Goldman, pp. 556-557

Emma was an anarchist and a humanist. Aside from her ceaseless crusading for freedom for all, she worked as a nurse and midwife to the poor in New York. She was arrested for a great many things in her life. Among her offenses was providing birth control supplies and advice to poverty stricken women, and lecturing openly on the same issues while the Comstock Law was in effect. Ms. Goldman was deported to Russia in 1919 for having opposed the military draft, along with 248 other Americans.

Margaret Sanger

In the book Herstory (edited by Ruth Ashby and Deborah Gore Ohrn), Margaret Sanger is hailed as the founder of “the American birth control movement.” She wrote articles about birth control, one of which was declared obscene under the Comstock Law.

Beginning in 1914 Ms. Sanger produced a newspaper called Woman Rebel that was devoted to the issue of birth control and sex education. For this, she was arrested. She left the country on the eve of her trial, and spent a year in Europe researching family planning methods used in other countries.

Upon her return to the states Sanger’s former charges were dropped. In 1916, in Brooklyn, New York, Ms. Sanger (with the assistance of her sister) opened the first birth control clinic in America. Margaret and her sister were arrested and charged with creating a “public nuisance.” The publicity helped Sanger’s cause, and eventually the law was changed in New York to allow doctors to offer birth control information for “the cure and prevention of disease.”

In 1921 Sanger organized the American Birth Control League, later known as the Planned Parenthood Federation of America. She worked tirelessly to overturn the Comstock Law, and devoted her life to establishing reproductive rights for women. By 1938 more than 80 birth control clinics were operating in the United States. In 1936 the Comstock Law was reinterpreted to allow for the mailing of contraceptives. By 1937 the American Medical Association recommended that contraception be taught in medical schools, and that birth control methods be researched.

After more than 50 years of devotion to her life-long cause, Margaret Sanger died of heart failure in an Arizona Nursing home. The year was 1960.

The Feminist Battle For Respect from the Mainstream

Every movement hits a point where there are internal battles over the best way to get recognition and respect, over how to be “taken seriously.” In the feminist movement this has over and over again culminated in the ostracization of whole groups of women. Each generation of feminism has had its bogey-woman, scape goat, “other” one. The message the movement has been trying to send out, wave after wave, is “We are not as bad as you think.” In the ‘70s and early ‘80s the delineating line was that lesbianism was not a feminist issue.

We all use examples of what we are not to define and illustrate what we are, and in this case, mainstream feminism wanted to be accepted by the middle class. Lesbianism was too “out there” of an issue to talk about without intimidating those who held dear the status quo.

Sharing my ideas about the second stage with the feminist network in Kansas City in April 1981, I was asked by a troubled sister: …”…why don’t you talk more about gay families?”…
“Because it twists the focus to sexual politics.” I said. “It gets mixed up with the reaction against the female role, and threatens people who feel sex should be private and are mixed up about it themselves…”
”But what about Lesbians?” she persisted.
“That’s sex,” I said, “not politics. Or it should be…”
Betty Friedan, The Second Stage, pp. 318-319

Lesbian needs are still fighting for a place at the feminist table. The lesbian movement, and I’m not just referring to the separatist movement, is still marginalized.
In the ‘90s the issue that has caused a major split in the feminist movement is the issue of Pornography, and even sex in general. This split is so pronounced that Katherine McKinnon, a well-known, strongly anti-porn feminists, refuses to speak at the same events — or even have writing presented in the same written works — as Nadine Strossen, former director of the ACLU and author of Defending Pornography.

“…This strategy is a consistent strategy of McKinnon and her allies. They want to convey the impression that they speak for all women, and more,…for all traditionally disempowered groups. Therefore they uniformly refuse to debate me, or other women who have different perspectives on these issues. “…McKinnon and some of her supporters also go much further in shirking an exchange of views with other women or women’s rights advocates, refusing even to appear at the same conference or participate in the same project with any who dare to express disagreement with them….
“Just a couple weeks ago I…happened to learn of one such incident. A professor at the University of Virginia…is writing a text book for colleges on various civil liberties issues, including the censorship of Pornography…He wanted to include excerpts from some of my writings and some of McKinnon’s. But when McKinnon heard that some of my printed words would, heaven forbid, be included in the same book as some of her printed words, she had a tantrum and she told (the professor) that he would have to choose; either her words or mine. He refused to withdraw my piece,… she therefore pulled hers..
“…(And) several years ago…the National Association of Women Judges…abruptly retracted a speaking engagement I had to address their National convention without telling me why…Through a series of coincidences I later discovered it was because McKinnon had also been invited to speak at the convention.
“I want to underscore that this was not set up as a debate between the two of us … but the problem from her perspective was even that both of us would be appearing — at different times, on different days — before the very same convention.
“…Once it came to light and was confirmed that that was indeed the reason why my invitation had been retracted — and investigative reporters shed the light on that — one of the organizing judges was quoted (in the New York Times) as saying “The general feeling was that McKinnon would be less than pleased to be on the program with Strossen, so we had no choice.”
Nadine Strossen, from her keynote address at the World Pornography Conference in Los Angeles, Aug. ‘98

Strossen also points out that the “McDworkin” agenda (named for Andrea Dworkin and Katherine McKinnon) goes beyond just the pornography issue. This anti-sex (“Victorian” in the words of Nina Hartly, Porn Star/feminist extroirdinaire) view of and response to sex has implications ranging far beyond the porn/censorship issue. In this radical/traditional sector of the feminist movement, sex has become an issue of rape, intercourse itself a metaphor for female inequality.

The Feminist Underground

The outlook has been not so good for feminism. Just last year Time magazine ran a front cover that trumpeted the question “Is Feminism Dead?” And a good many of us at times have felt ready to abandon the title, if not the fight. Yet that which adapts survives; a new feminism is alive and well in the sex-positive community. I have never met so many amazing women (and fewer, but just as refreshing, men) who are breathing vitality back into feminism in one place as I did at the World Pornography Conference, which took place August of ‘98 in Los Angeles.

I have also seen prime examples of this new and fearless form of feminism in other places; in the adult entertainment community, and also, perhaps especially, among younger women, who (inspired by heroes like Madonna, and even the Spice Girls) aren’t afraid of flaunting their sexuality, nor of defending themselves from unwanted responses. The younger generation “gets it” in a way that the older does not, perhaps cannot.

Just because someone is beautiful, doesn’t mean that they’re being beautiful for public consumption; just because someone is sexy doesn’t mean they’re on the market.
Aurelea Kaitlyn River, Green Egg Magazine, issue 131

I say fearless feminism, because this new feminist genre is based not in the propagation of the myth of victimization, the idea that all woman are victims, all sex (between a man and a woman) is rape, but in the true strength and liberation of being who we are, who we want to be. This new feminism does not disallow and disavow lipstick and bras, but encourages a creative mix of sexy and strong, saucy and strident.

In this generation we have new models of strength to look to for guidance. Madonna (to me, the quintessential icon of neo-feminism) is not only a physically strong beauty, she also is a strong business woman, and a single mother by choice.

Single motherhood, in and of itself, is a beacon of the changes in social structure. Much of the stigma of being a single mom has been done away with, at least in parts of America. Though leaving the comfort/stability of a partnership or having a child alone is rarely an easy choice to make, women now know that we can survive on our own, that it may be a better option than waiting for the “perfect partner,” and certainly better than staying in a bad relationship.

Additionally, there is a whole generation of young men who have been raised by feminist mothers with a mind for equality. The social aspects of the feminist movement have taken hold in an almost covert manner. Female heads of house and “bread winners” are not at all unusual at this time and in this place. The assumptions have changed, the rules have shifted, and women, though paid less, are just as often employed; at least at the entry level.

Each generation is born with a new set of expectations for social interaction. We have come a long way, as a nation of people striving for personal freedom. We stand upon the accumulated accomplishments of our fore-bearers, the trail-blazers who were (and are) not afraid to live in their personal freedoms, or to give the freedom of the moment up in exchange for a grander, more complete and true freedom for generations to come.

Winners of the Good Medicine Bath and Beauty Products Contest/Giveaway!

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Claim your prize by posting here, and then writing a personal e-mail with your contact info to: ms.allen@lasaraallen.com. (Your contact info will be used only for shipping purposes and then discarded.) Remember; if you do not come back to claim your prize by midnight pacific time on March 24th to claim your prize it will be forfeit, and another winner will be chosen. Thank you!

One amazing, full size travel kit like the one above, valued at $125

# 1: Benjamin Hur! CONGRATS! (I’m envious!)
One set of seven Fairy Dust bath salts, valued at $32.

# 2: Benjamin Hur AGAIN – Enjoy, and than you for all your entries!
One container of Hydrating Eye Cream, valued at $38

# 3:  Lilithe
Muscle Balm, valued at $14

# 4: Tinnekke

Congrats!


AGAIN: Claim your prize by posting here, and then writing a personal e-mail with your contact info to: ms.allen@lasaraallen.com. (Your contact info will be used only for shipping purposes and then discarded.) Remember; if you do not come back to claim your prize by midnight pacific time on March 24th to claim your prize it will be forfeit, and another winner will be chosen. Thank you!

Manifestation in Twelve (Sort Of Complex) Steps!

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Spiral GalaxyManifesting is not always easy. Here are some tips that will help you through the days where it would be way too easy to give up hope. Manifestation is not a mystery; it’s a kind of technology or tool that one must learn to harness, and sometimes it just takes some work.

1. Desire + action = manifestation. Desire alone does not alter the case of a river. The universe does not usually move the course of the river on its own…it takes a bit of helpful trenching to create a new route. Trickle, then a gush, then a torrent.

Without action, manifestation will almost never follow. Manifestation requires work on your part.

Looking for the perfect job? Work on manifesting that job through all the tools of manifestation that you can acquire; prayer, visualization, mantras, dream boards, collage. AND, interview for every single job opening that looks like it might be the real deal!

Sometimes that perfect job (or relationship, or pile of money, or car) will just fall into your lap by pure magic. Usually you have to do your part to show the universe you’re committed enough to actually do or have the manifestation you are requesting.

2. Be specific in your request, but not TOO specific.

3. You need to know that your request can be fulfilled from any source – anywhere and any time.

4. You must have no reservations about what you ask for. This includes any feelings of lack of worthiness.

5. The delivery of your desires or requests must not be dependent in any way on any one person’s actions or responses.

6. If a block comes up to the manifestation, you need to reconsider the request. Don’t let doubt enter in, just use it as a recheck on your request. If doubt nags, perhaps it’s a message that you need to reconsider your desire or goal. Perhaps it’s a message that you’re heading in the wrong direction.

7. Know that NEED puts distance between you and your desired outcome. So reframe: instead of “I need a new car,” say, “It’s time for me to have (or manifest, or find, or whatever verb works for you) my perfect vehicle. Safe, reliable, and easy on the pocket,” or whatever your list is that creates “perfect” for you.

8. Have faith. Doubt on its own offers the opposite of the desired outcome. Like Lot looking over his shoulder when he doubted a divine promise and seeing his wife turn to a pillar of salt, your lack of trust erodes your own footing on your path toward your ideal end-point.

9. Remember that worrying is like praying for something you don’t want. I’m not sure who said that first, but it rings true. In other words, “We get what we expect, not what we desire.” – Chris Howard, a true modern day master.

10. Be aware that prayer helps, and practice it with passion. Pray to whomever works for you, but I personally have found Jesus to be particularly and peculiarly generous on the money count. :-) And in many other matters.

11. Let small miracles bolster your faith and commitment.

12. Practice gratitude for all your outcomes achieved. Every single one. Large, small, easy, challenging, make a prayer of gratitude each time the universe delivers on your request

Dress You Up in My Love Equality Prom – Everywhere!

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Dress You Up In My Love is a nationwide equality celebration designed to protest the school in Mississippi that took action against Constance McMillan, the girl who wanted to take her girlfriend to the prom. Yes, it is 2010…but instead of allowing a tuxedoed young lesbian woman to attend the prom with her lovely beloved on her arm, her school canceled the fun for everyone. Can you believe it?

In response to this outrageous act, people are going to engage in some creatively outrageous activities of their own; formal wear everywhere! Says the press release:

“But I’ll look completely out of place and ridiculous. People don’t wear formal clothing every day.”

Exactly.

Wearing a tuxedo, suit, gown, or formal dress clothes to class, work, or grocery shopping IS out of the ordinary. And it’s going to draw attention and get some questions asked.

So, be outrageous! And courageous. Join what may be thousands of others in getting fancy while getting loud, supporting the out and proud, and joining in the equality movement. RSVP at facebook now!

Your Family is a Living System

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tree at sunsetBodies communicate, moods, good or bad, are caught and transmitted like a virus. Like ripples in a pond, what you feel radiates out. Your happiness, your ease, your joy. Or, your stress, your fear, your anger. Every moment, you are modeling the creation of the world.

And, every moment, your children are building the foundation of their future on the present that is your breath and being.

“The solution to adult problems tomorrow depends in large measure upon how our children grow up today.”
- Margaret Mead, anthropologist, 1901-1976

In case of an emergency, secure your mask first…

The aeronautical term “Time of Useful Consciousness (TUC)” applies to the minutes of consciousness one has in a depressurized plane. It’s the basis of the warning to make sure your mask is secure, and then act to ensure the safety of those dependent upon you only after you yourself are safe.

Let’s face it; if you can’t breath, you’re not going to be much help to your kids, or the old folks sitting in aisle 14. You need to have your wits about you in an emergency situation. That’s understandable.

What about in your daily life? Applying the reasoning of time of useful consciousness to our daily choices can become a template by which to figure out how to best use the time we have.

You are point zero in your system; the place where you create all change in the system you are part of – for good or ill, intentionally or unintentionally. And, if you are not in good health, your ability to affect positive change declines.

You are a system, and your family is a system. Your community is a system. The world we all share is a system.

Make your affect a positive one. The best way to start? Make a commitment to becoming the change you wish to see in the world. Take a step into living the life you dream of, right now.

Media

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Mom and girls.LaSara has been featured on:

  • “Life and Style” (Sony Pictures Television)
  • “Penn and Teller” (HBO)
  • “Sexcetera” (Playboy Television)
  • Canada’s “SexTV”
  • “On Q Live!” (Q television)
  • “Sex Life LIVE”
  • in a documentary on an American Neo-Pagan church titled “In A Strange Land”
  • is a main personality in the upcoming feature-length documentary “REDvolution; Dare to Disturb the Universe!”, along with Kris Carr, Christy Turlington, and others.

And, in:

  • Redbook
  • Men’s Fitness
  • The Nation
  • Chicago Sun-Times
  • San Francisco Examiner,
  • The San Francisco Bay Guardian, and
  • The Frankfurter Allegemeine Zeitung (a major publication in Frankfurt, Germany).
  • Witchcraft Australia

She has been interviewed on a variety of radio stations across the lower 48, and in Canada, and featured on a number of podcasts, in addition to Yoga Mama Satsangha, the podcast series she hosted herself.

How to be Transparent in Parenting by Lasara Allen

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Modeling is always the strongest message. You want your kids to be honest? How about you be honest, too?

What is transparency? The definition I like the most is; the quality that allows light to pass through, undisturbed. As a parenting metaphor, this is a great image; we’re transparent when there’s nothing clouding our interactions with our children.

Sex, drugs, money; they’re all topics that may have been avoided in your family of origin. But do you want your kids getting answers from the same unreliable sources you did? On the schoolyard, TV, your parents, the government?

The conspicuous silences in your communication are an OUT LOUD statement – about what’s inappropriate, shameful, unmentionable. If you want your kids getting different messages than the ones you were handed, make sure you’re giving voice to your opinions.

Normalize the topics that make you want to freeze up. Talk with your friends, talk with your trusted advisers; talk with your coach, your priest, your therapist, your doctor, talk with your parents, talk with your peers. Know that there’s a whole world of information out there. If you feel conflicted about your own ideas, educate yourself about different views.

If money was a hidden topic in your family and you feel that hasn’t served you in your quest for financial literacy, give your kids a head start by bringing them into alignment with your financial values. If you want your kids to know that sex is a thing to build clarity about, model it by having values-based conversations with your kids about how to define their own sexual values.

If your kids ask a question and you’re not ready to answer it, let them know you’re not ready to answer it. Never blame them for asking the question, but own your own discomfort.

With your nonjudgmental guidance and conscientious modeling, this process can begin before your kids are even bringing direct question to you for answers.

There is a line of balance – maybe it’s a tight-wire; don’t over share, or expect your kids to tell you all their deepest secrets. We all have a right to our boundaries, and our inner lives. But do create an environment where every question is valid, and every answer – even “I don’t know” – is too.

Here’s the bottom line; you want your kids to let you know what’s really happening in their lives? Let them into yours. You want your children to trust you enough to offer their transparency? Give them yours. You want your kids to be honest with you? Be honest with them.

Bonus Idea: Use my Sexual Ethics questionnaire for a tool that will help you find a starting place for these discussions. Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for your free copy.

Literary Coaching and Copy Writing Services

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Literary Coaching:

  • concept editing
  • flow editing
  • book proposal development and doctoring
  • manuscript development and doctoring
  • working towards publication

Copy Writing:

  • blog, website, ezine copy
  • contract work
  • co-authoring
  • ghost writing

All literary coaching or copy writing projects considered on a case-by-case basis. Contact me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com to begin the conversation.

Public Speaking, Workshops, and Seminars

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Lasara is a seasoned speaker and Lasara and girls.presenter, with over 20 years experience in both public speaking and seminar development and facilitation. She is available for teleseminars, e-conferences, conferences, seminars, and speaking engagements.

Contact us for rates and scheduling.

Comments from participants in Lasára’s seminars:
I am walking away with some life skills that will benefit me forever.
-Mary Jo Denney

Great amount of information, Lasara obviously teaches from her wide personal experience and has a big heart + deep compassion.
-Paul Andrade

Lasara is a dynamic and passionate presenter who shares practical and effective tools for self discovery. She has developed powerful techniques for helping others to create new positive frameworks of thought. Her techniques are accessible and they work. They have changed the way that I walk into a room, how I breath, and how I make love. I know that so many woman would benefit greatly from her teachings. She is masterful.
- Bridget C. McBride, Montessori teacher and mother

I very much enjoyed the opportunity to have the time and space to explore the various ways I communicate – or don’t – with myself and others…Thank you Lasara for your honesty, humor and vulnerability.
-Yosenio V Lewis

This was an excellent forum for sharing/discussion. The space was very safe. Loved the boundary discussion before the beginning.

-Virgie Tovar

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GIVEAWAY: Natural Good Medicine Bath & Beauty Products

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Welcome to the inaugural www.LasaraAllen.com giveaway! Review of products below the giveaway prizes and rules – add comments/entries below that!

GIVEAWAY:

There will be FOUR lucky prize winners. Prizes below:

Contest ends March 20, midnight Pacific time. Winners announced March 21.

Here’s how to win – read all the rules first! And, PLEASE ENTER EACH INDIVIDUAL ENTRY AS A ITS OWN COMMENT - that means one post for the first option, four posts for the second, and so on.

ONLY ONE REQUIRED STEP (Worth one entry.):

Go to The Good Medicine Shop, come back and post what Good Medicine product you like best. If you do not do this first step, your following entries will not be counted. This counts as one entry.

Additional Optional Entry Opportunities:

  • Write about this giveaway on your blog, and provide at least two links to this page in the entry – worth four entries. Post the link to your entry in the first of FOUR comments here. Enter three more comments, each saying only “blog entry” for a total of four entries!
  • Subscribe to my RSS feed, and comment that you have done so here. Yes, you can unsub later if it doesn’t rock your boath, but please give it a chance until the 20th. Enter this comment three times for three entries!
  • Tweet this contest. This counts as one entry. Each tweet posted and recorded separately here is worth one entry. @Yoga_mama when you do, so I can see the tweet, and make a comment here. No limit on entries in this category.
  • Facebook this contest. Each facebook update with a comment left here and recorded separately is worth one entry. No limit on entries in this category.
  • Come back as often as you like and mention other Good Medicine products you’d like to own. Worth three entries. No limit in this category.

Remember to come back to this blog to see if you’re the winner any time within one to three days of the drawing date. If you don’t, your prize will be forfeit, and another name will be drawn.

Winner will be chosen by the amazing Random Number Generator tool at Random.org.

******

IN-DEPTH PRODUCT/PRIZE REVIEW:

As a case-study competition winner at the Hot Momma’s Project in 2009, I was gifted a set of Good Medicine bath and beauty products, created by and available through Green Valley Spa.

At the time I received this amazing package, I was using beauty products from another line that’s advertised as treatment for adult acne and signs of aging. The Good Medicine packaging said nothing about neither aging nor acne, but worked far better than the other brand on both. I was having some pretty serious medication related skin problems, and I have regularly had dry skin which causes signs of aging. I’m not exaggerating when I say that my skin problems cleared up immediately.

breeze The travel collection consists of six products. the magical Breeze was an all-around miracle treatment. The rest pull neck and neck at second place. With Clarity face lotion, Radiance skin lotion, Honey Dew facial firming lotion, Ashes facial wash, Sand facial scrub, this travel kit covers the bases, and then some!

To my great joy, the package I was gifted was full of the large, 4 oz size containers, not the little ones! So is the gift we’re giving away here! These full size items sated me for months. The Breeze I used everyday for everything from burns to bites to blemishes, as well as the use it was intended for; skin toner!

All of the products work wonders alone or together. And my next order will include not only the travel pack, but also an extra order of Breeze.

Now my stash is gone, and I’m one sad girl. But, at $125 the price of the whole shebang is actually a steal. While many of us frugal mamas may not drop that much on ourselves in one shopping trip, if you add up the time the products last for, the quality and the quantity of the products, the pricing is competitive with drugstore prices. It doesn’t even get near boutique prices.

So, why buy chemical-laden drugstore products when you could buy clean, refreshing, effective products from Green Valley Spa’s Good Medicine line? Which brings me to one more lovely aspect of Good Medicine products; the packaging is glass! Better than recyclable, these wonderful little jars and bottles are reusable. Wash, dry, and they’re ready to hold sewing supplies, home-crafted tinctures or salves, or you may want to refill them with tonics or what-have-you at your local bulk-foods outlet.

ADDED ITEMS: Hydrating Eye Cream – AMAZING!!! I use it on all the lines (aka wrinkles) on my face, including around lips, and it works wonders immediately AND thru the day! I was more impressed with this eye cream than the fancy-schmanzy specialty name-brand stuff I tried from Sephora – and promptly sent back. It smells better, works better, and feels better – what’s not to LOVE?

The Muscle Balm also has immediate and sustained action, and is highly effective for treating aches and pains AND slight injuries from overworking a muscle group. YAY!

During these times of buckle-tightening, I find it comforting to know that we can deeply pamper ourselves, take care of the planet, and save money all at the same time.

Mess or No Mess? That is the Question.

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Each of us has a desired level of clean. Or in the case of my daughters and I, a desired level of comfortable mess. The desire for “comfortable mess” on the part of the ladies and the desire for an orderly point within the chaos that is life on the part of my husband sometimes come to odds.

Some see my dedication to my mess as a symbol of the chaos that dwells in my soul. Others (my husband, for one) have pointed out how I’ve used my clutter to keep myself safe, protected, walled off in my own little world.

I no longer deny any of this as having at least some amount of truth to it. My mess does make me feel secure. My cluttered desk is proof of the fact that I have at least one space in our lovely house that is all mine.

Perhaps I could arrive at the same place with flowers and hospital-corner beds, but it’s not the way it works for me. It’s not the way it works for my daughters either.

My husband likes living space to resonate differently. In the duration of our cohabitation, I’ve come to love and cherish the orderly neatness of the shared spaces we create together.

Key to our familial comfort is two sets of rules: one for shared space, another for private. Private spaces are left more or less to personal tastes. Shared spaces are simply, quietly sacred and even temple-like.

In the evenings before bed we collectively find a few minutes to tidy the common spaces, so that we can join together in the still point that is the center of our lives; a wide-open kitchen table and a clean-ish slate of a living room.

Balance is key. A happy home is one where everyone’s needs are met.

How To Stop the Spread of a Bad Mood

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It’s happened to all of us; you wake up in a great mood. The sun is shinning, and the first thought you had when you opened your eyes was, “Ah, I’m so lucky to have this life!”

You happily hum your way into the kitchen, and begin getting ready for another full and fabulous day. You’re peacefully preparing breakfast for the kids… and then…

…Your kid emerges from her lair-like den, corners of the mouth slightly rigid, and eyes stormy. Or, your partner cuts himself shaving, and gets grumpy about it. Or your other kid starts pestering your grumpy kid.

Or, all of the above.

Suddenly, life is no longer a bowl full of ripe, sweet cherries. Slowly your perfectly wonderful mood begins souring, too.

It’s true; we catch bad moods! And if we’re not careful, we pass them along. The good news is we can catch and spread positive moods, too.

Here are some ideas for what can be done when a bad mood strikes, and spreads faster than a super-virulent strain of the common cold:

1. Address the facts; a member, or members, of the family are feeling down.
2. Remind yourself, and the rest of your family – if you can do so without sounding high and mighty, that there’s no “right” mood to be in. To everything, there is a season. Allow your heart to open to the possibility that the space each of your family members is in, is perfect for them.
3. Yet, you don’t have to stand by and do nothing, or worse, catch the bug! Instead, ask if anything needs to be done. Perhaps your kid had a bad dream, and needs to talk it out. Or, your other kid feels all the attention being drawn to the grumpy kid. Maybe creating a shift is as easy as asking, “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”
4. Voice your commitment to staying positive. A great way to do this is by being kind, not taking sides, and verbally stating something you’re grateful for.

Stability of mood is built on your own disengagement from how any one “should” be acting, behaving, or feeling. Take a breath. Let everyone else be wherever they are. Choose the mood that makes you feel the most resourceful.

You’ll be able to turn your own mood sunny side up in no time, and let it spread from there. Remember; every breath is a chance for a new choice.

The Question Box

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Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl. Her skin was the color of dark mocha. Her hair was joyfully bouncy, and curled like baby grapevines do. It was as black as darkest night. Her teeth gleamed white and her lips were full. Her smile shone like light breaking through clouds.

One day the beautiful little girl was coloring with crayons. She colored the sky “B…L…U…E.”, reading the color and drawing the sky.  She drew a peach tree and colored the leaves on it “G…R…E…E…N. “ She picked up a crayon to color the peaches. “F…L…E…S…H,” was what that crayon said.

“Momma,” the girl asked, “what does FLESH mean?” Her momma said, “It means skin, my baby. Why do you ask?”

The beautiful little girl answered with another question; “Why does this crayon say flesh then? My skin is like chocolate, not like peaches.”

The girl’s momma – whose skin was dark as dusk – didn’t cry, though she wanted to. Instead, she gently picked up the crayon, and said, “That’s a question for later, dearest one.”

The girl’s momma took a box from a cabinet and put the “flesh” colored crayon into it. “This is your question box.” the girl’s momma said, “When you have a question I’m not ready to answer, we’ll save it for later in here.”

The little girl took the box and drew on it. She loved her question box, and guarded it like a box of treasures. After all, it was a box of treasures. The box was filled with the girl’s deepest curiosities.

Over the years, the girl grew, and she put questions of all sorts in the box. Sometimes they were in the form of objects, like the crayon, sometimes drawings, and later it was written notes. She and her mother would take the questions out one by one, and her mother would answer the ones she felt ready to.

It was a long time before the girl’s momma was ready to answer the question about the flesh colored crayon. But answer she did. She told her daughter a story about her ancestors, and about the world. The momma told her daughter about dark and night and the unknown. She told her about fairness and what’s right.

And the girl’s momma gave her a gift. Though the beautiful girl was no longer little, and didn’t really color with crayons anymore, her momma handed her a crayon that was the same color as the one from years before. The crayon said, “P…E…A…C…H.”

The daughter and the momma both smiled. In that moment they knew for certain that there was a right time for every question, and a right time for every answer.

*****

How to Make A Question Box

Honoring Your Child’s Questions with Answers
Sometimes the most honest answer is “That’s not a question I’m ready to answer.” If that’s the case, follow up appropriately. Let your child know when you would be willing to revisit the topic – whether it’s in a couple of days, or when your kid is in the fifth grade, or when she or he is 13, or when you’ve sorted your thoughts and feelings out. Always be responsible and proactive with the follow-up.

How to Make Your Question Box
Having your own question box makes it easy to keep track of the questions you’re not ready to answer. A question box offers a structure that will honor your child’s question and your boundaries and comfort zones at the same time.

You will need:

1. A box. You can easily recycle one that’s the size you want, or you can use a sturdy, craft-ready wooden box from your local craft store. The box should be small enough to fit on a counter or desk, and large enough to hold items your wee one has questions about.

2. Paints, collage items (glue, scissors, etc), or drawing implements. Optional: sequins, bedazzlements, glitter, other fun stuff.

Once you’ve chosen a box, decorate it with your kid(s). Paint, collage, or draw on it. Get as fun and fancy as you like! Make your question box easy to open and close.

How to Use Your Question Box
When a question comes up that you’re not ready to answer, choose an item that will serve as a conversation-starter on the topic at a later date. This can be a piece of paper with the topic written on it, or an item that is symbolic of the topic.

Decide on a time when you will review the items in the box and answer the questions, or at least revisit them.

This piece is supplemental to an article called Seven Steps to Healthy Communication with Your Kids, also by Lasára Allen. Find this article and many others at www.LasaraAllen.com.

Update 2.19.10

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I haven’t written an update in a while. That’s because I hit a wall. And learned from it!

For two weeks, I could barely move from over training. I was tired and in pain. I decided I would reduce my miles, and started healing immediately. I’m now back to being able to run, and workout, without hurting myself. That is, run at a much lower mileage.

My big crash course education in all this is a lesson I have already learned again and again. Don’t over-reach. Stay within reasonable and healthy limits. Slow down.

So, out of all of this I made a big decision; I have decided to run the seven mile race instead of the half marathon.

At first my reasoning was that perhaps I’m just “not built” for distance running, or racing at all. What I have learned since I made the decision is that people train for a long time to get to the place I was trying to get to much too quickly.

It’s likely that had I not had to have an appendectomy in November, I would have been able to run the half marathon, no problem. Had I been running two miles daily, and then four, and then up to the training regimen I jumped into in the end of December – still with an aching side – I would have been able to pull off the half. Maybe not with flying colors, but the training wouldn’t have kicked my ass the way it did, for sure.

Now that I’m running the 7 mile, some of the ease has come to running. I’m doing some nice strength building. I’m back on my game.

Sometimes a smaller game is a better one. One you know you can complete. One you know you can stay on top of. One you know isn’t going to hurt you.

The big birthday gift has morphed; not a half marathon. A new sense of rapport in my physiology. A new sense of trust and love for the being that is me, amalgamated. Body, mind, spirit. All working toward one goal; better health, and joy in the process. The process is, after all, the true product. Every moment of it; as consciously as possible.

Huge thanks to Runners World for reinforcing my decision and making me feel smart instead of wimpy. Thanks to Born to Run (book, not song) for teaching me so much about what it takes to run, and how to do it right. Thanks to Beth for being my willing buddy. Thanks to me, for continuing to learn to listen better, and to respect limits when they come up.

And today I leave you all with a very smart post form Active.com, on how to incorporate hill running into your workouts. (Another thing I tried to roll into too quickly.)

I hope you can learn something from my experience! I know I have.

Seven Steps to Healthy Communication with Your Kids

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lasara and girlsAs conscious parents working to create a better world, we know that the work – and joy – of it begins at home. Here are seven steps that offer you a foundation for clear and healthy communication with your most precious focus; your children.

1. Honor your kid’s questions with answers.

If your child is mature enough to formulate a question on a given topic, she is mature enough to get an honest answer from you. That answer should always be age appropriate, and within your comfort zone.

Sometimes an honest answer is “I don’t know,” or “That’s not a question I’m ready to answer.” If either of those are the case, follow up appropriately.

If you don’t know, you can always make it a research project for you and your kid to engage in together.

If you don’t feel comfortable answering a question because it gets into territory you feel conflicted about, own your boundary around it (see step 4), and let your child know when you would be willing to revisit the topic – whether it’s in a couple of days, or when your kid is in the fifth grade, or when you’ve sorted your stuff out. Always be responsible and proactive with the follow-up.

Bonus idea: Click here for directions on creating a “Question Box.”

2. Own your feelings.

Don’t make your discomfort your kid’s “fault.” If the question he has asked makes your hair stand on end and your face flush, know that your embarrassment, your discomfort, or your anger.

A danger inherent in parent-child communication is that your kid will take on your shame, your discomfort, or your unease. Or, in cases where a kid is a “mismatcher”, they may act out in opposition to your stance. If you don’t want your kids blindly falling into – or acting out in response to – your wounding, patterning, imprinting or behaviors, own your internal conflicts.

3. What isn’t said speaks more loudly than what IS.

Ignore it and it’ll go away? Not a chance. But sooner or later, your kid(s) will – especially if you’re unable to answer the questions brought to you. Sex, drugs, money; they’re all topics that may have been avoided in your family of origin. But do you want your kids getting answers from the same unreliable sources you did? (On the schoolyard, TV, your parents, the government?)

The conspicuous silences in your communication are an OUT LOUD statement – about what’s inappropriate, shameful, unmentionable. If you want your kids getting different messages than what you were handed, make sure you’re giving voice to your opinions.

Normalize the topics that make you want to freeze up. Talk with your friends, talk with your trusted advisors (your coach, your priest, your therapist, your doctor), talk with your parents, talk with your peers. Know that there’s a whole world of information out there. If you feel conflicted about your own ideas, educate yourself about different views.

If money was a hidden topic in your family and you feel that hasn’t served you in your quest for financial literacy, give your kids a head start by bringing them into alignment with your financial values.

If you want your kids to know that sex is a good thing to have clarity about, model it by having values-based conversations with your kids about how to define their own sexual values.

With your nonjudgmental guidance and conscientious modeling, this process can begin consciously before your kids are even bringing direct question to you for answers.

Bonus Idea: Use my Sexual Ethics questionnaire for a tool that will help you find a starting place for these discussions. Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for your free copy.

4. Own your boundaries.

We all need appropriate boundaries. Modeling boundaries is, in my opinion, one of the most resourceful gifts you can offer your kids. One of the best way to offer boundary awareness to your kids is to model healthy boundaries in your interactions with them.

This means that you have not only the right, but the responsibility to say “stop!” when your wee one is hurting you, to close the door when you need a minute to yourself, to go for a run on a daily basis – no matter how needy others might be feeling.

Your healthy boundary also makes a clear distinction, and allows you to own your limitations or discomfort. In the course of a conversation or other interaction with your kids, you are bound to occasionally come up against the edges of your comfort zone. In these moments, it creates clarity to own your boundary, and make it clear that any discomfort you feel is due to your own process, and not something that your young-one is doing wrong.

5. Respect your child’s boundaries.

Healthy boundaries go both ways. Another element of boundary in parenting that is all-too-often overlooked is this one; if you want your kids to know that their boundaries are to be respected, you must respect your kid’s “no.”

This can be tricky, but it must be worked out.

For example, sharing is a great value to instill. However, I know how I’d feel if someone came into my office and said “You aren’t using your cell phone right now. Let Joe use it.” My response would be along the lines of “Well, I don’t lend out my cell phone, but Joe is welcome to use the house phone.”

Yet, often parents will enforce sharing to such a degree that it can erode a kid’s sense of control. Negotiate with your young-one. Create agreed-upon rules about sharing, such as designating certain items as “special” ones that they will never be asked to share.

With touch-related boundaries, it may be the most important to respect our kid’s voice. If little Aaron doesn’t like being grabbed and kissed by Aunt Joan, or tickled by his cousins, help him to voice his boundary.

Helping to set a boundary with Aunt Joan may be an uncomfortable moment, but everyone is sure to learn something in it, and Aaron is going to know that he never has to be touched in a way that’s not comfortable for him in order to make someone else feel better.

If we want our kids to have the power of knowing that boundaries are to be respected, we need to both model firm boundaries for ourselves and our kids, and respect our children when they place a boundary that is reasonable.

6. Respectful, loving touch fosters connection! Stay embodied.

Kids listen better when they feel safe. (We all do.) They also communicate better when they know you aren’t mad at them. (We all do.) Creating consensual, appropriate, loving connection through physical touch can help both parties stay present in an interaction.

There are many different modes for communication. Different types and levels of physical engagement are appropriate to different settings.

If your child enjoys horsing around, sometimes breaking the tension with a little tickling, wrestling or clowning around is totally appropriate. Or, sometimes massaging your kid’s neck while you chat might be just the right thing.

If your little one is feeling sad, ask if he wants a hug. If your child is feeling tender or vulnerable, it can be great to offer to just hold your kid while he cries. If that’s too much, or not desired, you can offer your hand for holding.

Most importantly, pay attention to your child’s physiological responses, and respond accordingly. If your kid prefers sitting side-to-side instead of face-to-face, talk while sitting on the couch.

One of my daughters loves to have sit-down meetings with her parents. She’s the younger kid, and loves all the attention being on her for the time that we give it. My older daughter, on the other hand, prefers a casual chat while in the car, out on a walk, or her favorite – while shopping.

The point is, every kid is different, with different needs, comfort levels, and desires regarding touch, embodiment and process. Pay attention to what makes your kid more comfortable, and communication will get easier.

Another way to stay embodied is to remember to breathe. If things get stressful, consciously choose to relax your body. Breath into the moment, and you will be more likely to respond the moment that is occurring, rather than reacting to how your dad responded when you brought up the same issue, and you were in the seat that your son is in.

There are two benefits to this practice; the first is that you will be more relaxed, which is a positive thing in and of itself. The second is that your child’s body will respond to your relaxation by matching it.

Whiling remaining conscious and respectful of boundary, connect with your kids on a physical level while you communicate with them. And, stay engaged with your own physiological center.

7. The model is the message.

“Do what I say, not what I do,” doesn’t work. Your kids believe you. They watch you. They look up to you. They learn from you. And, actions speak so much louder than words.

When my clients say demoralizing things about themselves, my standard response is “How would you feel if your kid did (or said, felt or thought) that? Because, she’s going to.” Your kids will, consciously or unconsciously, emulate your modeling.

In this way, self-care is taking care of your children. Your ability to take care of yourself is one of the best foundational messages you can offer your kids. If you don’t want your kids to smoke, quit smoking. If you are having a hard time quitting, talk with your kids about it.

When you make a commitment to shifting a pattern of your own behavior, you can also enroll your kid’s support. This is another opportunity to model resilient skills for your kids. Ask for the help and support you need. Explain why shifting the pattern is hard for you. Use it as an opportunity to educate your kids on good choice-making, using yourself as an example.

Transparency and integrity are areas that you may also choose to model. “I only smoke when I’m away from my kids,” may seem like a good way to limit the damage, but how would you feel if your kid said “Well, I only smoke when I’m away from you.”

When you tell your kids not to get in the car with anyone who’s drinking, and then drive them home from a party after you’ve had a beer, you’re sending a mixed message. It’s confusing, and builds in not only the space for justification in the particular (well, Jo isn’t drunk, so I guess it’s okay to get a ride with her…), but also the room for justification in other areas.

Do you obfuscate? Do you outright lie to your kids? If so, you are ultimately undermining your own authority. How do you think your kids will feel when they find out that you did inhale? If you lie to your kids, or if your behaviors and your words don’t match up, you are giving your kids a template for behaving in the same way. If you value transparency and honesty, model it.

Are you being a resourceful and integrated model for your kids? Here’s a good guideline; ask yourself,  ‘If my kid were engaging in the behavior I’m engaging in, how would I feel about it?”

Bonus idea: Create a family charter of agreements.

Sustainable Family Values – How Values Grow.

You are always modeling your values. The tricky part is that we often have two sets of values – idealized values (the values we like to think we have) and applied values (the values we actually live by). If what you think you believe, and how you act in your day to day don’t match up, you’re out of alignment with your ideal values.

You can shift your values into alignment by changing your behaviors to match up with your beliefs. The steps I have offered in this article offer a great starting point for the work of coming into alignment.

The more consciously you engage with living your values, the more aligned your modeling will be with your ideal life. This is a true win/win situation; as you model the behavior that you would most want to see your children emulate, you begin living the best possible version of your life.

Bonus Idea: Define your family’s shared values.

Lent – Do You Celebrate It?

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Happy Mardi Gras!

Are you celebrating Lent? Lent is a period of fasting. Mardi Gras and Carnival are based on the last day of indulgence before the fast.

If so, what kind of fast are you observing?

Fasting is about giving something up. Temporarily in most cases, unless your fast is indefinite. Spiritual fasting is common in most religions and spiritual paths. Fasting can be about many things, but in my personal experience it always comes down to self-restraint and self-control – and sacrifice.

Sacrifice can be honorable, cleansing, purifying. Sacrificing possessions, indulgences, behaviours, or habits can simplify our lives.

When I come out of a period of fasting – literal or figurative – I have more clarity, and can decide from a new place what I want to reintroduce back into my life. When fasting from foods, I can gain clarity on which foods don’t feel right in my body, and which do. When fasting from a behaviour, I can decide whether my life has been better without it. Even if I am not totally successful at giving it up the increase in consciousness can create a whole new realtionship with the behaviour.

When I want to “lose weight” I work toward better health. When I want to surrender a part of me that no longer serves, I give it up. I sacrifice it.

More positive things will likely come into play, but when I give up a piece of me or my life, I keep myself open to the sense of emptiness that may follow. For example, when my previous marriage ended  I didn’t know what would come in. I gave it up because it was time, it was the right thing to do, it was what was required by forces outside of myself.

Yes, it urt, Yes, it was at times very scary. It was lonely. And it was pristine. Cool. Calming. Clean.

Fasting can be all those things. Sacrifice can feel those ways.

Sometimes it may even be better to not think we know what might come in. Thinking we know – even know what we desire – may limit the power of the unconscious mind. Or, Divine Plan. Or God’s Will. Or whatever term makes sense to you.

I sacrifice because the surrender feels right. I sacrifice because the cutting away is required, and often a relief. I sacrifice because, in my lexicon, it means both to offer up, and to make sacred. In my mind, conscious and sacred go hand in hand.

I’m not strictly Christian but as has been the case for years, I AM celebrating the fast of Lent.

Last year I fasted from judgment and instead dedicated my self to witnessing. The year before I fasted from speaking ill of others. By extension, these practices were also about not judging myself, and not speaking – or thinking- ill of me or my own actions.

This year? My fast is from complaining. My hope and prayer is that in the place of this negative practice, I will find even more ways to celebrate this life I’ve been given.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, reflections, and practices.

Three Simple Steps to Gratitude

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Even on your darkest days you can get to gratitude in three easy steps. Here’s the low-down!

1. Take Inventory

There’s ALWAYS SOMETHING to be grateful for. It’s just true. There always is.

Every complaint is a request. Where you see a complaint (“The financial news is so bad!”) there’s a request underneath it (“I want to feel more secure about my finances.”) Find the request, and let the complaint go.

Start with the basics if stepping towards gratitude it feels like a stretch; I’m grateful for my breath. I’m grateful for my well being. I’m grateful for my home. I’m grateful for my children.

When all else fails, think of what others don’t have. And then count your blessings for the abundance you have in your own life. This is a drastic and potentially dangerous step that may call up guilt or pain for some of us compassionate types. But it is a good reminder.

Release your own suffering. It’s so miniscule in the larger scale. And then you can move on to creating more abundance in the world.

2. Build a Gratitude List

You can make your list clean and pragmatic – I make a list in my text edit program sometimes, just to shift my mood – or you can make it pretty, and put it up somewhere visible as a constant reminder of the things you’re grateful for. Either way, enjoy the process of watching the list grow as you remember more and more things that you’re grateful for.

Always state gratitude in the positive. Turn “I’m grateful it’s not raining today” into “I’m grateful for this sunny day.” Turn “I’m glad we didn’t get kicked out this month” to “I’m glad we have this home.”

Why? Because focus is everything. Even if you say I’m glad we didn’t get kicked out this month, you’re thinking about the possibility of being kicked out. This is likely to create a stress response – the opposite of what we trying for here!

If you say” I’m grateful for this home,” you get the feeling of gratitude, not only for the fact that you have a roof over your head, but this very roof! How much better does that feel? That’s what you want to achieve – that feeling of safety, gratitude, warmth, grace.

3. Commit to Action!

Choose at least three of the things on your list, and make plans – ones that you’re able to immediately implement – that will increase the experience or presence of those three things in your life.

The plan can be directly related to the list item; like, if you’re thankful for running, schedule in running. Or, the plan can be more loosely related. If you’re grateful for your kids, you can schedule some quality time, or you could write them a gratitude note, or you could give them some sort of special gift.

Whatever the plans are, make them easily within reach, and make them things that make you happy when you think about them. If you follow those two basic guidelines you’re sure to follow through. According to scientific studies, completion of tasks increases the happy-chemicals in your brain. So you get rewarded over and over again for taking just a few simple and sweetly joyous steps.

If you’d like a fun and easy way to find help in cultivating your gratitude, you could always get Gratitude Games! More info at www.gratitudegames.com.

Be a Model Twitizen: A Twitter How-To

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Written Aug., 2008

(Follow me: http://www.twitter.com/Yoga_Mama)

I was skeptical at first, but now Twitter is my golden city. As a busy mom and entrepreneur, I can take a few minutes and digest a handful of posts from my favorite Twitter friends, or post a bite-sized delight about my own day – all condensed to 140 characters or less. Who doesn’t have time for that?

Yes, often those posts will contain a link that may lead to an off-site exploratory mission, but so far it’s the most organic and dynamic way I’ve found to keep to my finger on the quick-beating pulse of the magical and diverse interwebs, and at the same time keep a constant stream of interest in what I have to offer.

If you’re new to Twitter, or have yet to join the chorus, here are a few ground rules that will help you to make your tweets harmonious.

1. Follow me, and I’ll follow you…and vice-versa:
If I follow you, please do the community-oriented thing and follow me, too. That way it becomes a conversation, a collaboration, a community. For us dedicated tweeters, Twitter is about building relationships. Build one with me!

Most of us don’t tweet to hear the sound of our own voice. No one wants to be shouting into a well. Consider my follow an invitation into my world, as well as a tip of the hat to your skill in presenting a doorway into yours.

2. Write a good bio:
In the beginning, this tiny bio is all we know about each other. 160 characters of character. The bio is often an under-utilized aspect of Twitter. I’m encouraging a bio revival! Make me want to know you. (It’s great practice for your elevator pitch, too, right?)

I encourage you to include something about your openness to new followers, or the reason you’re on Twitter. I put “Follow me, I’ll follow you,” in my bio. If you only want people you already know to follow you, you can protect your updates. In addition, you could say “I only follow people I know.” This little step will save both of us time, energy, and pride.

In addition to the bio, there’s a spot for a url. Add a link to a place where I can find out more about you; your blog, your website, an article you’ve written, your facebook profile.

3. Building your “Twitterverse”:
The way to build your network is to follow people. Yet, you ideally want a good balance between following and followers. So there’s a rhythm to building your twitterverse. Here’s how mine goes:
a. Find prospective Twitter friends (see step 4 on some tips on that), and follow them.
b. Allow a few days for the prospective community member to follow me in return.
c. If they follow me back, I make personal contact through a direct message (aka, “dm”, see section 6 for more info) and all is good. If they don’t, I evaluate whether they’re worthwhile to follow without the benefit of a two-way conversation. If they are, I keep them on. If not, I unfollow them.

4. Finding your twitter-posse:
You want to follow people you find interesting. You want to be followed by people who will find you interesting. Whether this is for work, fun, community building, or all of the above, your skill in creating your personal Twitterverse predicts how rewarding your Twitter experience will be.

There are worlds of possibility in every moment, but even more so in Twitter. Bloggers, and moms, and marketers, oh my! Really, you can find followers and followees from all walks of life, and with interests that run the gamut. These people are going to be getting into your head, and introducing you to new worlds day by day. Choose accordingly!

First off, click on the Find People tab on your home page (upper right, see it? good!) you might want to follow your irl (in real life) friends. You can search them by name or e-mail address. You can also invite them to join twitter, if you think they’d enjoy the experience.

Next, you’ll want to choose a few terms that indicate shared interests. For me, those terms were mom, mommy, mama, momma, and the dad variations, too. Then yoga. You can either search by terms at http://search.twitter.com/, or you can use the Find People tab again.

When you search your terms, the search will bring up profiles that list terms in the Twitter user name, in a tweeter’s bio, or even sometimes in a tweeter’s tweets. I found pages and pages of members listed on most of the terms I searched.

I chose selectively from the tweeters listed. Some of the parameters I used to decide whether I should follow someone or not were;
* The date they last tweeted – if someone hasn’t been on in months, what are the chances they’ll respond to a follow alert from a stranger?
* What their most recent tweet said; for example, if the tweet said “Why the hell are all these strangers following me? Creepy!?!”, that member is not a likely candidate for community building!
* Their bio, and whether it sounded like we’d be a good match.

Most often I would choose not to follow people with protected updates, but in rare cases I’d risk it and request permission to follow. I recommend that you judge that one on a case-by-case basis.

Another way to find like-minded tweeters is to go to a like-minded tweeters page, and follow the tweeters they follow, and those who follow them. You can see bios by placing your cursor over a tweeter’s name.

I would follow as many tweeters as I felt inspired to in one fell swoop (I think my “following” list got up to around 2000 once), and see who followed back. After a few days, I’d go back check out which tweeters had responded, and go through the evaluation of whether I would keep following tweeters who had followed back, or not.

Through this strategy, I built my list of followers up to over 700 in a matter of days.

5. Ethics for business (and personal) networking:
Some disagree with me on this, but I believe that even – or perhaps especially – if “you” are a business, you should follow in return. Yes, Twitter is free advertising, and it’s SMART advertising – JetBlue, Zappos, Vans and thousands of entrepreneurs can’t be wrong!

But, as always, there needs to be some buy-in. In this case, imnsho (in my not so humble opinion), the buy-in is this; I’ll pay attention to your posts, but I expect you to pay attention to mine, too. It’s a give and take, baby!

Besides, think of the marketing information you’ll be able to gather. Two-way communication with your demographic is just plain smart business sense.

Also, it’s not good manners to follow me, and then turn around and unfollow me when you think I’m not looking. I will come back and check from time to time, to see if those I follow are following me. (I do the same for those who are following me, too. I go and check my followers and make sure I’ve returned the follow.)

Not only that, there are tons of third party systems coming into being that are created to augment the Twitter experience. One of these even helps twitterers keep track of their follower activity. And, there are sure to be more of them as time goes by, and Twitter’s popularity continues to soar to new heights.

There are a few exceptions to the rule, but I generally don’t follow those who aren’t willing to follow me in return. I cast a line out, and if you grab hold I’ll hang on too. However, if there’s no resultant tug on the rope, I’ll reel it back in and cast in another direction.

If you have something amazing to say, and I just can’t live without your voice, I’ll stick around. But I tell you, it’s so much more fun when we can all sing out together!

6. A few easy commands that will be useful to know:

@username: this creates an automatic link to a tweeter’s profile, and alerts the user that you have sent a public post that cites them. If you’re replying to a tweet, including @username (like @yoga_mama) is great. It both promotes the tweeter, and creates a connection between you and the tweeter in question.

#tag: (like #gratitude, #palin, #debate, etc.) makes it easy to search an item, and get all the tweets that are relevant. It’s also is an easy way to see relationships between tweets by multiple tweeters.

rt, or retweet: when you repost someone’s tweet, it’s proper to add “rt @username” and then the retweet. Basically, it’s a way to give credit where credit is due. And again, it promotes tweeters who are tweeting things you appreciate or agree with.

d username message: direct messages are the way to send a private note to another tweeter. Remember, it’s “d(space)username(space)message”. You’re only able to “dm” tweeters who are following you.

In closing:
Twitter is a community. In some way more profoundly than any other networking site I’ve ever been part of, the tweeters I follow have worked their way into my heart.

Maybe it’s the often unguarded, haiku-like quality of the “microblogging” experience. Maybe it’s the frequency with which I see the words of a given tweeter. Maybe it’s the fact that the Twitter experience has the contour and context of a conversation drifting in through the kitchen window.

And this in a country (the USA) where we often don’t have a sister or best friend living next door, or a neighbor we could easily ask for advice on a moment’s notice. Much less, hundreds of neighbors, many of whom might send well wishes when you need them, and heartfelt advice when you ask for it. (Or, just like any family, sometimes even when you don’t!)

Twitter has brought us into one another’s living rooms. It’s allowed us to share our vacations, our kid’s Big Game, our successes and heartbreaks.

It’s opened a window into a community that never goes to sleep – tweeters live all over the world, as one tweeter tweets her last missive of the night, another wakes up to a brilliant new day. A community that is always willing to give a shout out, send a smile, talk about politics, and lift one another up in a challenging moment.

Remember this as you build your personal Twitterverse. You are creating a new world, from nothing. Build it, grow it, nurture it with intention and care. And you know, everything will be just right.

Be a Model Twitizen Revisted: A Twitter User Update

LaSara Allen, @yoga_mama on Twitter

Some new aspects of Twitter for you – the savvy Twitizen.

1. Twitter Parties

If you haven’t yet participated in a Twitter Party, do so as soon at your first opportunity. It’s a whole new way to participate in the Twitterverse!Twitter parties are used to raise consciousness about causes (fundraising, fires, poverty), create a Twitterwave of a certain vibe (#kindness, #gratitude), launch websites (Twitter “open-houses” for new websites are common), or as a gathering of people (#gno) or ideas (#motrinmoms, #tcot, ), or an event (#inaug09, #blogher).

Create, participate, enjoy! Here’s how:

a. Organizers choose a hashtag (#) to organize the party under (i.e.; #GRATITUDE), and a date and time.

b. Host(s) spread the word, hoping for viral propagation, via RT (retweet), blog posts, word-of-mouth, and other opportunities to spread the word.

c. At the appointed time, Twitizens show up and carouse! Many of us use apps like Tweetdeck, or secondary sites like Tweetchat or Tweetgrid to track and participate in the event.

If you’re lucky, or if your idea is one that captures the heart of the Twitterverse, your #party may trend to the top of Twitter Search, and while it may be silly to think of that as an achievement, it does help your cause, event, idea, or group to gain visibility in a big way. Besides, it’s fun!

2. Twitter Limits

We all need boundaries, and these are the ones the mighty, mostly invisible super powers behind Twitter have chosen.

What are the limits?

We’re starting with a few limits based on various parameters, and
we’ll be adding more as time goes on. We reveal some limits only when
you reach them, and tell you about others in advance. Twitter currently
applies limits to any person who reaches:

We’ve also placed limits on the number of people you can follow. The
number is different for everyone, and is based on a ratio that changes
as the account changes. If you hit a follow limit, you must balance
your follower/following ratio in order to follow more people-
basically, you can’t follow 50,000 people if only 23 people follow you.
Based on current behavior in the Twitter community, we’ve concluded
that this is both fair and reasonable.

This does tie in to Twitter parties, too. My first time out as #GRATITUDE host, I got locked out for an hour because I exceeded my 100 API requests per hour allotment. There are ways to avoid this;

1. Have co-hosts, and distribute the work of hosting. If you are having gifts or prizes as part of the party, have more than one host handle that part.

2. Have more than one profile that you host from. I’m not sure if this is a grey-area solution as ethics go, but weigh it on your own.

There’s your update! See you in the Twitterverse! Enjoy.

Origins of Halloween: Celtic New Year, Dia de los Muertos. Fun family activities!

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Samhain: Celtic

The word Samhain seems to have come from the word samhraidreadh, which in the Gaelic, the language of the Celts, means “summer’s end.” The Celts divided the year up into two parts; the Winter Half, or Dark Half, and the Summer Half, or Light Half. The Celts considered the day as starting with evening, instead of midnight or morning, and so it was with the year. As the Celts went into the darkening season, they went into their new year.

Samhain was a one of the four yearly Fire Festivals celebrated by the Druids of the Celtic lands. These festivals lasted three days, and were celebrated on the seasonal turning points, which were the points between equinoxes and solstices. At the Samhain fire festival, and at it’s cross-point, Beltane, once the community fire was built, all fires in family hearths were let to go out. These two times were the only times during the year that the hearth fire was extinguished. On the final morning of the festival, the head of each house would take embers from the community fire and restart the fire in their hearth.

In the Celtic tradition, the day before Samhain was considered the last day of the old year, and the day after Samhain was considered the first day of the new year. The day of Samhain was considered a time between times, a day between years, and a world between worlds. It was a very magical day.

The Celts believed that Samhain was a time where the world of spirits (where the dead, the faeries and other supernatural beings dwelt) and the world of the living were closest. They believed that the spirits of the dead would come and walk among the living during this festival. Many Celts dressed in costumes of spirits and faeries to make the wandering spirits feel at home.

Often, too, it was the poor of the community who would wonder begging food in the guise of the spirits. And the homesteaders would not want to bring the disfavor of the spirits upon them by acting selfishly. So the hungry would be fed on Samhain, and the ancestors would bring blessings to those who had been generous.

Another aspect of this festival is the story of the Celtic God of Sun and Vegetation, Lugh. Having given-in to wounds received on Mabon (the autumnal equinox) in mid-September, Lugh was believed to die each year during this time. (And each year The Sun God would be reborn on winter solstice.) Lugh was killed by his shadow self and twin, Tanist; the Horned God, the Dark Lord, the Lord of Misrule.

Under the rule of Misrule, this was a time when the usual rules were not lived by. The Celts usually lived by strict rules, but during Samhain the rules were laid aside, and mischief was made, fortunes were told, and revels were had. Men dressed as women, women dressed as men, and bands of young people would wander for miles seeking food and drink from the farmsteads in return for the entertainment they offered. This is where one of the American traditions of Hallowe’en came from. Trick-or-treating was once called mumming, and was a time where groups of people, adults and children alike, would go from door to door in costume singing, jesting and posing as spirits. The people they visited would offer treats in exchange for the entertainment, and in order to create goodwill with the spirits.

Ancient people lived with a much closer relationship with death than many Americans do, and Samhain was a time of getting ready to face the possible losses that would be brought by winter. Herds of livestock were culled; the weak, sickly and old animals were slaughtered, so that there would be enough food for the healthy livestock to survive the winter. Samhain was considered the third, and last, harvest of the season. Called the Red Harvest, this harvest was of the meat. Some of the meat was salted and saved for winter, and some of the meat and all the bones were burned on the bone-fire (possibly the origin of the word bonfire) in offering to the spirits. The bone ash was used to nourish the fields where crops would be grown the next year.

Jack-o-lanterns were originally carved from turnips and other tubers, and were made as a warding to keep unfriendly spirits, mischievous faeries and hungry souls from stopping over. Bonfires were built on hilltops to light the way for the wandering dead, and to give them light and comfort in the darkness.

If any loved ones had died in the previous year, his or her family would put a lighted candle in the window to lead the spirit home. The living would leave doors and windows unlatched, and set a place at the supper table for their beloved dead. The family would eat in silence in honor of the dead, from whom death had taken voice.

The closeness of the different worlds during Samhain made it an especially easy time to catch a glimpse of the future, and many would play games of divination on Samhain eve. Apple bobbing descended from one of these games.

Los Dias de Muertos: Mexican Indian
This fiesta is a rich cultural and religious celebration originating in Mexico. Dia de los Muertos has roots in many indigenous Mexican Indian tribal traditions, including those of the Aztec, Mayan, Incan

and Toltec. After the invasion of the Spanish, Los Dias de Muertos came to include Catholic aspects as well, with much of the art and reverence including imagery of Jesus as one of the beloved dead.

Los Dias de Muertos is many days of celebrations, starting on October 31st with Dia de los Angelitos (Day of the Little Angels), dedicated to those who died young, Dia de Los Santos (Day of the Saints) on November 1st, and Dia de los Difuntos (All Souls Day) on November 2nd. There are parades, and a day and night is traditionally spent in the cemetery. The gravesites are cleaned and richly decorated with marigolds (the scent of which is believed to call the spirits of the dead home), bread and candy. Much attention is given to making the gravesites beautiful and spending time together remembering dear ones who have passed on. People bring musical instruments, blankets and baskets of food, and spend all night in vigil and celebration at the gravesides of their beloved dead.

Creation of huge family altars to the dead is central to the celebration of Los Dias de Muertos. These altars hold pictures of those who have passed, marigolds, brightly colored paper decorations (papél picados, papier maché skeletons attending to all the tasks and joys of life, smiling skulls and coffins made of a sugary confection called alfeñique, personal belongings of those who have died, water, salt, and an incense censer with copal resin burning. Sugar skulls, sweet Pan de Muertos (Bread of the Dead) and favorite foods of those being honored adorn the altars and are given out as treats. No expense of time, energy or money is spared in preparing the family altar.

A lighted candle on the altar represents each family member who has died in the previous year during the festivities, with one extra candle so no spirit is left out. The beloved dead are expected to visit during the festival and to partake of the ofrendas (offerings) piled high upon the altar.

In many small towns, doors are left open to encourage visitors, both alive and in spirit form, to enter homes, view the family altars, and partake of the sacred foods and drinks.

American Traditions:
Here in the United States, we are lucky to have the influence of the Celtic (by way of family lineage in some cases, and literature in others) and the Mexican (especially in California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas) ways of celebrating this wonderful festival that honors death as just another transformation in the flow of life.

Here, we celebrate Halloween by dressing in costume, transforming ourselves into our dearest dreams or our scariest nightmares. We get to go out into the world as someone other than we usually are.

“Misrule” is still huge part of Halloween. People do things like yell “Happy Easter!” and reply with “Merry Christmas!” as they pass one another. On the less fun side of things, some see Halloween as an opportunity to perform dastardly deeds (like egging houses, smashing pumpkins, T.P.ing cars) that would be better left to the spirits!

Trick-or-treating is a gentler side of this tradition. Though trick-or-treating doesn’t always hold the beauty of a visit from the beloved dead, or the fun of a band of mummers, at least it’s not hurting anyone. At best, it is an opportunity to be out on the streets with friends and family, a part of a community, sharing an experience with others that doesn’t involve sitting back and watching the new Hollywood blockbuster.

Every year, holidays in America become more and more commercial. This year Halloween themed toys, gimmicks and costumery were out on the shelves by the beginning of the school year. But, you can decide to transform Halloween into a heartfelt and personal experience of the beauty of life and death.

What part of the celebrations you have read about stand out for you? The beautiful altars for the dead? Maybe you can find a local Mexican American cultural center and visit during Los Dias de Muertos? Maybe you liked the origins of trick-or-treating? This Halloween you could make a play with your friends, and perform it at each house you visit on Halloween. Or, perhaps the idea of giving generously at this time of year sounds good. With the help of a teacher in your school, you could set up a canned food drive for those in your community who do not have what they need to be warm and happy.

Activity: Making Alfeñique
These sugar calaveras (skulls) will be a fun, beautiful and spooky gift to give to your friends, or to place on your own altare de Muertos.

Ingredients:

2 cups powdered (confectioners) sugar
1 egg white
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/3 cup cornstarch
food coloring

Equipment:
2 mixing bowls
Egg beater
Measuring spoons
Clear, clean, dry surface for working the alfeñique
Wooden mixing spoon
Small plastic zip-lock baggie
Small bowls or saucers for food coloring
1 very fine paintbrush for each person who wants to paint alfeñique

How to:
1. Sift sugar into one mixing bowl.
2. Separate egg yolk from white. Throw away yolk.
3. Whip egg white until it is stiff enough to make peaks, in the other mixing bowl.
4. Still using the egg beater, mix vanilla into the egg whites.
5. Bit by bit, mix the sugar into the egg white mixture with the wooden mixing spoon.
6. Once the sugar and the egg mixture are so dry they start to crumble, work the mixture with your fingers until you can form it into a small ball.
7. Dust the dry surface with cornstarch.
8. On this surface, knead the mixture until the ball of alfenique is smooth.
9. Put the smooth ball into the plastic bag, and chill.
10. Once chilled, work the alfeñique into skull shapes, or whatever shapes you like.
11. Let alfeñique dry.
12. Once dry, paint with food coloring.

Recipe: Magickal Mulled Cider and Spirit Cakes

This Magickal Mulled Cider uses one of the most popular Halloween treats –apples- as a base for spices, which are full of magick! Listed below are some powers that these spices are believed to have, but it is also important to know that these powers change, sometimes from person to person.

The most important thing to remember when working magick of any kind, is that your intention (what you want to make happen) is the most important tool you have for any spell-working. So, as you work with this recipe, see what you think each spice does. Hold the spices in your hand, one at a time, and let your body tell you what each one is good for.

You can also give something a meaning. Though this may be considered a superstition by many, but what you believe has a lot of power. You can create meaning, a new reality even, just by believing.

Here are some traditional powers the spices you will use today are believed to have: Cloves are considered helpful to those in mourning, and they bring prophecy and offer protection. Nutmeg brings dreams, vision and wealth. Cinnamon is good for strengthening magickal acts, bringing success, wealth and health, bringing the second sight – the sight of prophecy – and it warms the spirit and the body. Allspice is for strengthening a community. Ginger warms, energizes and purifies. Lemon is for purification, and orange for love and vision.

This Magickal Cider will bring visions, comfort, warmth, health, wealth, love and a strong sense of community to all you share it with. It is great for a Halloween party, a Samhain night ritual, or anytime you feel the need for this warm magick. What a great way to enter into this new season. Don’t you think?

Magickal Mulled Cider
Ingredients:
1/2 gallon apple cider
3 cinnamon sticks for the pot,
Cinnamon sticks, one each per mug (optional)
1 Tablespoon whole cloves
1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg –or- 1/8 teaspoon dry, powdered nutmeg
5 pieces whole allspice
1 teaspoon fresh grated ginger –or- 1/4 teaspoon dry, powdered ginger
1 pinch ground cinnamon per mug
1 tablespoon dried orange peel –or- peel of one fresh orange
Pieces of fresh orange peel cut into stars and other shapes, one per mug (optional)
1 lemon, juiced and pulped

Equipment:
Large (6 Quart) saucepan
Small muslin spice bag –or- cheese cloth –or- a tea strainer
Spice grater
Small plate
Paring knife
Wooden mixing spoon
Ladle
Mugs all around

How-to:
1. Heat cider to a simmer in the sauce pan.
2. While cider heats, grate ginger and nutmeg onto plate.
3. If using fresh orange peel, cut peel into small pieces. (You can cut designs if you like. Stars, pumpkins, circles. Especially good for pieces to put into mugs.)
4. If you don’t like to have to strain the cider, put spices and peel into a spice bag, or tie in cheese cloth. (I prefer to leave the spices loose, and don’t mind straining. If you are the same, skip this step.)
5. Using wooden spoon, mix the cinnamon, ginger, allspice, cinnamon sticks, cloves, nutmeg, orange peel, lemon juice and pulp into the cider.
6. Allow to simmer for at least an hour and a half.
7. Serve hot. Ladle into mugs, and place a fresh cinnamon stick (optional) and fresh piece of orange peel in each mug.

If the cider is too spicy, or not spicy enough for your tastes, next time add more or less of whatever you want.

Serves: Many revelers

Soul Cakes
These cakes have lost of stories. The one thing you can be sure of is that they will fill the tummies of hungry visitors, spirit and living alike. This recipe includes rosemary for remembrance, and salt for cleansing.
All parts of this recipe are magick in some way. These are a few parts that have stories: Oat is useful for increasing the wealth of your home, and in lifting a bad mood. Wheat is for fertility, and is a wonderful way to recognize the relationship between life and death at this time of year. At this time, the seeds plowed under in the fields wait for the springtime warmth to sprout, and grow again.

6 oz. butter, softened
6 oz. fine, granulated sugar
3 egg yolks
1 lb. flour – unbleached wheat, whole wheat, oat, or a mixture.
A pinch of salt
1 teaspoon of ground allspice –or- mixed spices -which do you think would taste good? What kind of magick do you want in these cakes?
1 teaspoon of fresh rosemary, chopped finely.
3 oz. currants
A little warm milk

How-to:
1. Set the oven to 350ºF.
2. Cream the butter and sugar together in a bowl until fluffy.
3. Beat in the egg yolks.
4. Sift together the flour, salt and spice.
5. Add currants.
6. Fold the currants and the flour, salt and spice into the egg mixture.
7. Add milk bit by bit, to form a soft dough.
8. Divide into pieces and form into flat cakes.
9. Place on a greased baking sheet.
10. Cut designs into the top of cakes.
11. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden.

Generating Compassion for Sarah Palin – Election 2008 Special

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Election Special – Nov., 2008

I have a lot going on in my life right now, as do we all. All of it is an opportunity to achieve a more constant state (or station) of awakening to compassion. One of the largest of my personal challenges to living in my compassionate heart is Sarah Palin.

Why? To begin with, she’s the iconic proof that we haven’t “come a long way, baby!” at all. Palin represents the dumbing-down of America, but more painfully to me, she is the “answer” to Senator (Hillary) Clinton’s “ball-busting” demeanor. Palin is hailed by some as the perfect feminine candidate; MILF-esque, down-to-earth (folksy), and seemingly, dumb as a doornail. Ouch.

So here’s the practice I am sitting with in accepting Palin as part of the undifferentiated all-that-is: three steps to cultivating compassion.

1. I recognize Palin and my feelings for her as my own shadow, my own wounded self seeking the light of acceptance, my own wounded femininity aspiring to recognition in a “patriarchal” world, my own fear and my own failing.

2. I awaken my “witness self”, the one who easily sees my own broken parts, and loves me into wholeness, even when I feel unlovable, or unloving.

3. I allow my heart to open and grow, and visualize Palin held securely in my own heart, or enveloped in my heart-energy. I breath into this love, and allow myself to heal in, and through, it.

I undertake this practice for the benefit of all beings, pervading space and time.In the process, I heal my own heart. I address my own shadow, and in moving through the pain of it, I become more awakened to the process of integration.

In the healing of my own heart, and the growth and expansion of it, I come to have more faith in the possibility of healing. Anger is a poisoned blade that harms the one that holds it.

I am only capable of healing myself. But, perhaps in healing myself, I heal the world.

A Guide to Compassionate Citizenry – Election Year Special

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Oct., 2008

**This piece was written shortly before the presidential election of Barack Obama, but can easily be carried across to any election, or even to daily life.**

As the election nears, there are questions on everyone’s lips. Whether it’s okay to talk about politics is one of this big ones. My opinion; it’s not just alright, it’s your responsibility to do so! This is a democracy, and as citizens, we are empowered to participate in the governance of our country.

1. Assume positive intent.

Just because politics tend to get dirty doesn’t mean that I should add my own mud to the slinging. It can be a challenge to do so, but holding back is good form. I want to hear your point of view, and I want you to hear mine. Let’s keep it as clean as we are able to.

2. Generate Bodhicitta.

Bodhcitta means wisdom-consciousness, or awakened-consciousness. Engage in the political conversation from a place of wisdom and compassion. This allows you to recognize your own wounding, while allowing yourself not to react from the wounded place. It also allows you to remember that everyone is doing what they think best for the world.

You don’t have to agree with their methods (and you won’t in many cases), but trust that everyone is doing their best. In addition to contributing to the process of your own potential awakening to the enlightened mind, it makes it easier to have a civilized conversation.

3. Don’t take it personally.

While it’s easy to get caught in the fervor of fear, hurt, power and probabilities, and while the outcome of election day is very important, remember that comments made about your candidate are not comments made about you. Political disagreements don’t need to become personal ones.

As a business person, I know I take a risk by being public with my political views. But it is a risk I willingly take on, in order to be the best citizen – of this country and the world as a whole – that I can be. And I respect your right and duty to do the same.

An Awakened Heart Meditation: Cultivating Compassion

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**This meditation is modeled on the loving kindness meditation from Ezra Bayda’s book, Being Zen, and further modeled on many practice for what in Buddhism is called generating bodhicitta.**

This Awakened Heart meditation is designed to encourage awakening, develop presence, and to cultivate compassion. Bring your whole self to this experience, and come fully present in what is.

Before beginning the recitation of each line of the prayer/mantra/meditation, take a full breath in. Release the breath gently as you recite the line. Allow a pause between recitation of lines as you become conscious in drawing a deep, full, gentle breath. Be conscious of the words you are speaking as they form in your mouth and leave your lips, powered and empowered by your breath.

The second set of the meditation can be repeated as many times as you want, and may be used to bring your practice of compassion into fullness. I recommend that you devote each repetition of the second set to only one person, and repeat it as many times as you desire, or have the “bandwidth” for.

Hold the person you are dedicating the set to in your mind. You may want to imagine your compassion and love pouring out with your breath, and enveloping the recipient with gentle, glowing light. You can envision them circled in love, compassion, light, whatever image works for you.

A practice that I find healing and consciousness-raising is to devote the first round of the second set to someone I love with no resistance – one of my daughters, for example. Then with each additional round, i stretch my compassionate heart a little wider, including those who I may have recently felt some conflict with. Then to those beings – living or dead – who really stretch my compassion.

On the third round, if it helps you to increase the awakening of your heart, you may visualize the earth, the galaxy, the universe, all time and space.

Enjoy your practice. May this act benefit all beings.

May I be present in the awakened heart.
May I address that which clouds the awakened heart.
May I experience this moment as it is.
May this act benefit all beings.

May you be present in the awakened heart.
May you address that which clouds the awakened heart.
May you experience this moment as it is.
May this act benefit all beings.

May all beings be present in the awakened heart.
May all beings address all that which clouds the awakened heart.
May all beings experience this moment as it is.
May this act benefit all beings.

I am present in the awakened heart.
I address all that which clouds the awakened heart.
I experience this moment as it is.
This act benefits all beings.

Update 2.7.10

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Another run with Beth – Yay Beth! We clocked two miles at:

Beth: 11:09/mile

Lasara: 12:11/mile

Pretty good, I say. Forgot the Red Bull again, and my lungs paid the price. Treated post run asthma attack with Astragalus, Herbal Expectorant Cough, and Yin Chiao. And hot Ovaltine with some extra Malt. Yum. The lungs feel better now.

My shake tastes faintly medicinal. Hmmm. Combo of anti- oxidant fruit juice and berry Emergen-C…and supplements are all surely to blame. Milk-base tastes better.

Wore regular running shoes today. Knee feels better. Arches sore.

Two mile runs rock. Time to adjust expectations. 7 mile in April instead of half marathon? Half marathon in fall…Beth’s down. Need to contact my sister and give her the news…unless she reads this first.

Looking forward to your comments.

BOOK REVIEW – The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong by David Patchell-Evans – Wiley – 9/9/09

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Do you have serious fitness goals, AND obstacles to overcome in reaching them? Here’s the answer: The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong by David Patchell-Evans – Wiley – 9/9/09 – BOOK REVIEW

David Patchcell-Evans’s new book, The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong, is another one of those messages that the universe delivered to me right on time. As someone who experiences stress- and depression-induced chronic pain when I’m down (in my case a side-order to living with bipolar disorder), “Patch’s” message of successes in fitness against the odds really had an impact on me.

His personal story is also not just engaging, but emotionally affecting. A person who lives with chronic pain himself, I believe him when he says that it’s possible to live a physically, spiritually, mentally engaged life even when you feel like you can’t move a muscle. Seriously.

Patch’s daughter was diagnosed with a severe form of autism at an early age. In The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong, Patch explains how his experience in overcoming debilitating pain helped him to support his daughter achieve a life that is way beyond the prognosis and predictions made for her upon diagnosis.

In The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong, Patch offers his story as inspiration, but more importantly he offers seriously helpful instruction in getting your land-legs under you! Working from where
ever you are this book is bound to help you set and achieve your own health and fitness goals.

Another notable thing about Patch is his amazing generosity. Not a percentage, but all the proceeds from the sale of Patch’s book are going to research on autism.

I’ve only had the pleasure of reading the advance chapters so far. Once the book is available for review I’ll be sure to give a more complete picture of what Patch has to offer. For now, let his writing speak for itself. Enjoy the excerpt below or buy now! Order here.

EXCERPT:

When people first start an exercise regimen, they often judge themselves harshly. They focus on their short-comings or on how far they have to go, rather than congratulating themselves on showing up, seeing the great gift they have given themselves, and acknowledging how far they have come.

I have found that exercise has not only been a source of physical joy, but it has provided me with moments of spiritual connection as well. I have frequently said that your body will thank you for exercising—you have more energy than you’ve ever had before and your body will feel fantastic. Sometimes you get an even better surprise—the gift of feeling that your mind, heart, spirit, and body are truly one. . . .

The health of your body influences what you experience in your mind. There is no mind/body split. If you can engage your whole spirit in the pursuit of fitness—not just your intellect, not just your emotions—but instead everything inside you that is truly you, you’ll discover what it is to be a whole person.

Your body needs and wants exercise. Your mind needs exercise. Your heart (the loving part of you) needs exercise. Your spirit needs exercise. All aspects of you live within your body. All these parts of you allow your soul to be free because when your body, mind, heart, and spirit are in sync, you resonate with life itself. You really can experience fitness for the soul.

Order The Real Sexy, Smart, and Strong today!

Heat Up the Home-Fires and Reintroduce Romance – Everyday!

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Sexy Loving CoupleFrom time to time the home-fires cool. Here are some sure-fire ways to raise the temperature in your personal temple of love!

Man or woman, we all love to loved. We love to be appreciated, showered in praise, listened to, noticed. We love being recognized and worshiped in little and big ways, quiet and loud ones.

Here are some simple steps to gently coaxing those glowing coals of desire to full flame.

1. Slow down!
Take time to notice the little things that your love does every day. The things you love. Bring a rosy blush to her cheeks. Make him grin over an everyday job well-done. Noticing the little things in life with gratitude and devotion will lead to a BIG sense of love and joy.

2. Be present!
Listen deeply. Look intently. Touch intimately. These moments of full presence make up for the hours of busy-with-life that happen in the flow of everyday day.

3. Touch more!
There’s always time for a deep kiss and a full hug on the way out the door, or even passing one another in the kitchen. If there’s not enough time for touch, it’s surely time to examine priorities.

4. Write Love Notes!
Write love notes and leave them everywhere. Stick them in purses, eyeglass cases, briefcases. Put them under or on pillows, in pockets, post them on your love’s profile page!

5. Leave Trinkets and Tokens!
Like love notes, everywhere is the right place to put trinkets and momentos. Whether a deeply significant momento, a little gift that reminds you of your love, or your love’s favorite treat, a little gesture goes a long way.

6. Tell Your Love What You Love!
Tell her you love it when she holds your hand. Tell him you love it when he kisses you in a street corner. Tell her you love it when she wears that. Tell him you love it “…right…THERE!” Tell her you love it when she touches you “…like…that!”

These little steps will lead right to a raise in temperature that’s bound to spike, with no drop in sight.

A New View of Divorce; Three Simple Benefits of the Two-Family Solution

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With respect, a clear understanding of the rules, and a whole lotta love for the kids, ex-spouses are redefining family.

Some call it divorce; I call it the “Two-Family Solution.” Assuming your divorce was peaceful and you and your ex have basic respect for one another, there’s no reason not to revel in the benefits the Two-Family Solution can bring to you and your kids.

Benefit 1: You get a regularly scheduled, kid-free vacation!
How many of your mom and dad friends would kill for just one night off a week? Sometimes, heartless as it may sound, I find myself gloating when I reflect on the weekly Tuesday night dates my new hubby and I share. It’s a ritual for us.

Truly, our date night can be a lifesaver, even when it’s days away.

Don’t get me wrong—I miss my girls when they’re gone. But those moments when it’s just me and my man – or me and my thoughts – are of real benefit. This down-time, personal time, grown-up time, work time, r & r time, make-it-what-I-want-it-to-be time makes life better for all of us.

Benefit 2: You get to teach your kids that more than one set of rules may apply.
The world is a wide, wild, and varied place with sometimes complexly convoluted rules.

Ideally, you and your ex will have agreed on basic ground rules about school conduct, drugs, alcohol, and dating, and what discipline measures are within bounds. My ex and I had to institute a “reporting” clause because our younger child was playing sides, and we had to show her we were still the boss(es).

It’s not your right, though, to tell your ex that he can’t feed the kids meat just because you’ve gone vegan. (That’s the kids’ negotiation to undertake.)

Despite your areas of agreement or disagreement, never badmouth the other parent’s rules. Even more important; never make the other parent’s rules wrong – unless you want to fight it out with the ex, and we all know that’s never pretty! In other words, always take it to the ex, first.

Another incentive to keep rule-agreements and respect for your co-parent as even-keeled as possible; when there is stress or strife, one of the kids is sure to come to the other parent’s defense, and rebel against your rules in retaliation.

Benefit 3. Your kids get more of everything: parents, relatives, people saving money for their future, gifts on holidays, support, and love! (And, in the best-case scenario, so do you!)
I couldn’t afford a 2-week vacation to Maui at a five-star resort just after the ex and I split, but the kids got to go with their dad’s parents. It was perfect for them to be able to have such a memorable, relaxing vacation in the middle of what was an admittedly tough time. And although fewer of us are able to save for college these days, some extended family members are starting rainy-day funds for some very loved and very lucky kids.

In emergencies—financial or otherwise—it’s nice to know you’ve got a crew at hand to bail you and yours out.

The two-family solution can help minimize holiday struggles too. Through patience, dedication, and a basis of shared values, you and your ex may reach a point where you share family holidays. If you and your ex and your family get along, plus new spouses and their exes get along, and the new spouses’ families like the ex-spouses’ families and your family—that’s a lot of family! And a lot of love and support when you and the kids need it most.

This is the response of the post-divorce generation; as those of us who were raised in what were then called “broken homes” have grown, fallen in love, married had babies, divorced, and remarried, we have decided to make divorce less of a home-breaking, and more of a home-making. Two homes, but at heart, still one family.

As our children grow, marry, have children of their own, and perhaps divorce, we know we will continue the new tradition of inclusion. And slowly, generation by generation, family will just be family; however we choose to build or define it.

Sweet Valentine’s Gifts that Won’t Break the Bank!

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Give your loved ones sweetly creative, inexpensive gifts that will make them smile the whole year round! These easy to make, creative, do it yourself Valentine’s Day gifts can be given to your lover, your child, your mother, or anyone you’re grateful for.

For even more smiles, you can make one or more of theses gifts with a loved one for another loved one – spend an afternoon making a gratitude board for your spouse with your kids, or a Thanks Bank for your kid with your spouse!

Turning these projects into a shared experience makes the day – and the gifts – many times more sweet.

1. Thanks Bank
A Thanks Bank will remind your loved one that you’re thankful for them anytime they desire. You just fill the bank with thanks, and they can make a withdrawal anytime they want or need a reminder of how much you love them.

The basic design of this gift is super easy, though you can make it as ornate as you like.

Supplies:
* A decorative jar, a jewelry box, a decorated little cardboard box, a mason jar with stickers, cloth or tissue paper on it, or whatever you’d like to use as the bank.
* Paper.
* A writing implement.

Optional:
* Decoupage and images.
* Beddazlements.
* Pictures of you and your loved one

How To:
1. Create the container as you like. Sparkles, decoupage, pictures, ribbon, writing, or plain, elegantly sparse. Make it a gift your loved one will love showing off!
2. Take the paper and writing implement, and write as many thank you notes as you want. It can be anything from “I’m grateful for you!” to “I’m grateful when you…” For your kid that might be “…give me hugs.” For your lover, you might get super duper creative. The more full you make the container, the more impressive the present, so really go for it. You want a container that’s practically overflowing with thank you notes.
3. Write a love note, a poem, a THANK YOU, or all of the above – and directions; “This Thanks Bank will be here for you when you want a reminder of how thankful I am for all the things you bring to my life,” or however you might want to say it.
4. Fill the container with the notes, and voila, you’re done!

2. Gratitude Board
A Gratitude Board can be hung on a wall, placed on a nightstand, or put on a personal or family Gratitude Altar.
Supplies:
* Board – wooden, card stock, cardboard, plastic, whatever you like.
* Paste or decoupage.
* Tissue or construction paper.
* Images; pictures, postcards, photos, Valentine’s hearts, etc.

How To:
1. Paste the board with paper as desired. This will serve as a background.
2. Paste images on in an aesthetically pleasing way.

3. Gratitude Journal

With this item you can give the gift of gratitude twice! Create a Gratitude Journal for your loved one where he or she can record his or her gratitude practice. To inspire creative flow you can pepper your reminders that you’re grateful for your loved one, and the reasons why you are, throughout the book.

Supplies:
* Journal with blank or lined pages, depending on your loved one’s preference.
* Writing implement.

Optional:
* Decoupage and images.
* Beddazlements.
* Pictures of you and your loved one.

How To:
1. Write your gratitude for your loved one on random pages.
2. Decorate the journal as you like.

These simple, sweet, creative projects put YOU into the giving, and the gift! Of course, you can take these simple gifts and combine them with an orchestrated Valentine’s Day plan or any of the more traditional gifts, but keeping it simple, sweet, and fun may be just what’s desired.

Enjoy a memorable Valentine’s Day, and the sweet year that follows.

Update 1.31.10

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Sunday run with Beth! They say the trail is 6 miles rt, but it is FOR SURE more. Not only that, but pretty brutal up and down, too. We did it though!

Still rockin’ the minimal support shoes. We ran at the lake today (Lake Mendocino) instead of by the house, so no concrete anymore – thank god! But I forgot to eat, forgot my pre-run Red Bull (asthma treatment – SERIOUSLY!), forgot my pre-run glutamine. :-/ Uhh…hm. Forgetting to eat. I know, it’s a bad habit. Esp. bad before a run! Had to hit the inhaler three times. Last time I forget the Red Bull!

Took us right around 2 hours…one of the reasons I know it was more than 6 rt. I did 5 on Thursday in 1:20. It was flat, but the same pace as today. Mix of running and walking.

I’m exhausted, but happy. Had my post-run shake with all my vitamins and supplements (lysine, vit. c, chromium picolinate, glucasomine chondroitin, and glutamine), plus milk, fortified chocolate Ovaltine, banana, green food, and protein powder. Pretty good stuff.

Cross training last night: awesome ~hour of yoga. Runners Yoga first, then night-time yoga. Good combo – up energy, than down.

Sweetly Creative D.I.Y. Valentine’s Day Gifts

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Give your loved ones gifts that will make them smile the whole year round! These easy to make, creative, do it yourself Valentine’s Day gifts can be given to your lover, your child, your mother, or anyone you’re grateful for.

For even more smiles, you can make one or more of theses gifts with a loved one for another loved one – spend an afternoon making a gratitude board for your spouse with your kids, or a Thanks Bank for your kid with your spouse!

Turning these projects into a shared experience makes the day – and the gifts – many times more sweet.

1. Thanks Bank
A Thanks Bank will remind your loved one that you’re thankful for them anytime they desire. You just fill the bank with thanks, and they can make a withdrawal anytime they want or need a reminder of how much you love them.

The basic design of this gift is super easy, though you can make it as ornate as you like.

Supplies:
* A decorative jar, a jewelry box, a decorated little cardboard box, a mason jar stickers on it, or whatever you’d like to use as the bank.
* Paper.
* A writing implement.

Optional:
* Decoupage and images.
* Beddazlements.
* Pictures of you and your loved one

How To:
1. Create the container as you like. Sparkles, decoupage, pictures, ribbon, writing, or plain, elegantly sparse. Make it a gift your loved one will love showing off!
2. Take the paper and writing implement, and write as many thank you notes as you want. It can be anything from “I’m grateful for you!” to “I’m grateful when you…” For your kid that might be “…give me hugs.” For your lover, you might get super duper creative. The more full you make the container, the more impressive the present, so really go for it. You want a container that’s practically overflowing with thank you notes.
3. Write a love note, a poem, a THANK YOU, or all of the above – and directions; “This Thanks Bank will be here for you when you want a reminder of how thankful I am for all the things you bring to my life,” or however you might want to say it.
4. Fill the container with the notes, and voila, you’re done!

2. Gratitude Board
A Gratitude Board can be hung on a wall, placed on a nightstand, or put on a personal or family Gratitude Altar.
Supplies:
* Board – wooden, card stock, cardboard, plastic, whatever you like.
* Paste or decoupage.
* Tissue or construction paper.
* Images; pictures, postcards, photos, Valentine’s hearts, etc.

How To:
1. Paste the board with paper as desired. This will serve as a background.
2. Paste images on in an aesthetically pleasing way.

3. Gratitude Journal

With this item you can give the gift of gratitude twice! Create a Gratitude Journal for your loved one where he or she can record his or her gratitude practice. To inspire creative flow you can pepper your reminders that you’re grateful for your loved one, and the reasons why you are, throughout the book.

Supplies:
* Journal with blank or lined pages, depending on your loved one’s preference.
* Writing implement.

Optional:
* Decoupage and images.
* Beddazlements.
* Pictures of you and your loved one.

How To:
1. Write your gratitude for your loved one on random pages.
2. Decorate the journal as you like.

These simple, sweet, creative projects put YOU into the giving, and the gift! Of course, you can take these simple gifts and combine them with an orchestrated Valentine’s Day plan or any of the more traditional gifts, but keeping it simple, sweet, and  fun may be just what’s desired.

Enjoy a memorable Valentine’s Day, and the sweet year that follows.

How to Create a Gratitude Altar or Shrine

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A Gratitude Altar or Gratitude Shrine gives you and your loved ones a visible reminder of all there is to be grateful for. Creating this altar with family and/or friends can be an act that allows for bonding, as well as an opportunity to focus on the gratitude you all have for each other, and the gratitude you share for things in your life.

Allow the altar to grow and change over time, as new things to be grateful for come into your life.

How to Build Your Altar or Shrine:

1. Choose a common space (like the living room) for a shared altar, or a private one for a personal altar.
2. Begin with an altar cloth or a clear surface. Choose colors that make you feel good.
3. Add items that you’re grateful for, or that represent things you’re grateful for. Pictures, flowers, gifts from a loved one, money, whatever you like! You can also add a stack of papers, a pen, and a bowl to put written gratitude offerings into.
4. If desired, add 7-Day votive candles, available in most grocery stores, or your local botanica/Latino grocery store. If you like saint candles, or Jesus, or Mary, you can use those. If that’s not your thing, use candles in whatever colors make you happy.

This altar will not only serve as a reminder of what you’re grateful for already, but also a reminder to be grateful in times of challenge or struggle; a reminder to cultivate gratitude. Whenever you want to grow your gratitude, you can spend some time reflecting on your altar, or add items that will grow gratitude for you. If you like the candle idea, light the candles, sit or stand for a while, or just let the candles burn (while you’re at home only, of course, for safety’s sake), and meditate on the abundance of joy in your life.

This article brought to you by Gratigories and Gratitude Games; Get Gratigories, Get GRATEFUL!

Update 1.28.10

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Gratitude for Talib Kweli, my buddy Jamers and his pushing me on our run today, 5 MILES DOWN on a casual…, for a run on a the roads of my youth – a reminder of how miles were shorter whan I was young’un, even tho my legs were, too. The smell on my skin after an hour and 20 of running in fresh, living air. The beauty of the rocks covered with lush moss…

What Women Want – The Ten Secrets Every Husband, Lover, or Partner Needs to Know!

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hot couple in loveA preface for the ladies;
Feel like you want your guy to know a few things about you? Like maybe what you want, and how you feel? If those things aren’t covered in this article, I invite you to write your own note to the man you love, and tell him about your top ten desires, dreams, wants, needs, or fantasies. It may become the beginning of an amazing, deepening, or even super-hot conversation.

However, if this list rings true for you, please share it with your man. I hope it brings you both to a place of pleasure, and deeper understanding.

Hey guys, I know you sometimes feel mystified by what is expected of, or desired from, you.
And it’s not like I can clear all that up in a few simple words. Hell, we’ve been working on this one since the dawn of time, I’m pretty sure.

But I’m also pretty sure we’re starting to get somewhere with all this. Men and women have never before had quite the opportunity we have right now to build a whole new way of relating. A new way, based on some pretty old truths, mixed with some brand-spankin’-new ideas.

I may be a dreamer, but I say there’s a chance that we can get past the wounding that you and I have both endured, and grow into shared desire, honesty, truth, and trust.

Here are a few steps to start you on your journey down that sometimes challenging, yet always rewarding, path. Pretend I’m your lady, and I’m talking to you.

Ready? Here are ten secret desires that may change your life forever.

Secret Desire # 1: Focus, or Presence:
Get totally present. Allow this moment, right here, right now, to be the only thing happening in the whole of time and space. Let the world fall away around us, and let me be your whole world.

This state of grace will usually only last a moment, but that moment goes a long way towards filling a well that often gets low; the one you want to drink from! Take the time, and let’s let the levels rise together.

This focus is a great way to greet me when we haven’t seen each other all day. Or, before we part ways in the morning. Or, first thing upon waking. Or last thing before we fall asleep. Or, all of the above.

Secret Desire # 2: Noticing, or Paying Attention:
When you notice what I like, it makes me feel seen, and cared for. In or out of bed. When you notice that I’ve changed my hair, or that the pants I’m wearing look hot, or that I look like I could use a hug, it makes me feel proud, relieved, happy, grateful that I chose YOU.

When you notice how I like my coffee, and prepare it for me without even thinking twice, I feel worshipped.

When you figure out that I don’t like soft, repetitive strokes on the hand, but I love strong hugs from behind, it makes me feel understood. Big bonus points to you if I never have to whisper a word to you about it, and you figure it all out on your own; after all, that’s what noticing is about.

Take the time and attention to notice me. I’ll do the same for you, and let’s see what happens!

Secret Desire # 3: Showing me Gratitude:
When you show me that you’re thankful that I chose you, it makes my heart soar. When you tell me you’re grateful that you get to go to bed with me, and wake up next to me, i feel nourished.

When you tell me you’re proud to be seen with me, I feel claimed. And as transgressive as it might be for a “feminist” to say, I love it when you claim me.

When you tell me you’re grateful that I’m such a good mom to our kids, I feel touched, and relieved. When you show your gratitude by fully parenting them with me, I feel like I won the husband lottery!

Remember to say thank  you for the small things; those everyday, tiny, repetitive things we do a million times without thinking about it. If I do the laundry, a thanks makes it less of a chore. And if you do the laundry, you know I’ll be thanking you.

Secret Desire # 4: Confidence:
Don’t second guess yourself. When I say I want you to take control, that’s what I mean.

And, don’t second guess me! When I tell you that I want you to make the choice, that’s really what I want. When you don’t believe me, I’m likely to get annoyed, especially on this touchy topic.

I know it’s a wound we’re working our way through as a culture. Ten years ago, women weren’t supposed to ask for help, and men weren’t supposed to offer it.

Well, the time they are a changing – again!

Even as a woman who can still handle it all – if I have to! – I want to be taken care of sometimes. Sometimes I want you to drive. And sometimes, I don’t want to have to say it at all. I just want you to step up, and take the wheel.sexy married couple

Secret Desire # 5: Vulnerability:
This is not the opposite of confidence, as some men assume. I see your willingness to be vulnerable with me as a huge statement of confidence. And, it makes me want to support you, take care of you. Not in some mommy/boy way, but in this, “oh, wow, he trusts me!” way.

Not only that, it makes me trust you. If you’re willing to get vulnerable with me, I’m going to be less guarded with you. And you never know to what fantastic places that could lead.

Trust that I can support you in those moments when you need to be held, listened to, or even just vent. Trust that I’ll still be here when you’re through it. And as you trust more, so will I.

Secret Desire # 6: Honesty and Transparency:
Scarier words are rarely spoken, right? But how are you going to get what you want, if you can’t, don’t, or won’t ask for it? Speaking our desires is the first step to getting them fulfilled.

And, when you speak your truth, you allow me to do the same. You never know…that fantasy you’ve been holding back on sharing might be just the one I’m dying to explore.

Let me tell you a secret; I like it dirty, and I like it rough. I also like it gentle, and loving, and sweet. If I trust you enough, there’s no edge that’s point-blank off-limits. Make it possible for me to trust you, and you’ll gain the golden key.

Your honesty is what cements my trust. Let’s build that foundation.

And, it would be less than honest of me to leave this part out; there’s another part of transparency that’s really important to me.

If I ask what you’re thinking, or feeling, or what’s wrong, please don’t say nothing, when it’s really something. I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy. If you don’t give me the low-down when something’s up, as you probably already know, I’m going to make up some kind of crazy story about what’s behind your silence.

Any story I make up is very likely to be much worse than whatever it is you’re not sharing with me.

Whatever the truth is, it’s better than confusion or paranoia. So man-up, and spit it out! This courageous act will save both of us a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. And it’ll save me a lot of hurt, wondering, and heart-ache.

And you know what’s awesome about this more challenging part of honesty? Once the air is cleared, we can get back to the yummy stuff, which is where both of us really want to be anyway. Right?

Secret Desire # 7: Face Fear Head-On:
Always be willing to face any fears that come up, whether they’re mine, or yours. And always be willing to go deeper with me, and work through that fear. Maybe not all at once, but over time.

In bed or out, we all have fears that arise around letting each other in, trusting, independence versus intimacy, personal power versus shared experience.

When you get scared, remember; I get scared, too. One thing you can be sure about is that getting scared is common ground – we’ve all been there!

Bring it to me, and I promise to do my best not to hurt you, make you wrong, or close you down in your fear. Open to me, and I’ll open to you.

Secret Desire # 8: Responsiveness:
In bed or out, paying attention becomes a worthwhile practice when you learn to respond appropriately to the information you gather.

That doesn’t mean doing what you think is supposed to come next. It means actually paying attention AS you respond, and honing your response to meet my desire. Sounds complicated, but it gets easier when you get present in the moment!

There’s no playbook for life, or for our interactions. No step 1, step 2, step 3 mentality is going to work in every situation. Instead, learn to read me. And then do whatever comes naturally.

Look, listen, then walk, as we learn in crossing the street. Give our interactions as much thought, and we’ll find our way.

Secret Desire # 9: Sharing Responsibilities:
In sex, that means doing your part regarding safety, birth control, and shared pleasure.

In life it means parenting with me, house keeping with me, making decisions with me; not around, or to, me. It means making goals and building dreams with me.

Sharing responsibility sometimes means taking control of the situation. Sometimes it means allowing me to. And often, it means coming together and working it out, in a way that makes sense to both of us.

And, The Big Secret Desire # 10! Be Willing to Cultivate and Invest in Love Through It All:
When my ex-husband and I separated a few years ago, I loved my way through it. it wasn’t always easy, but now that I know I can do that, I know I can love through anything.

Even when I’m angry at you, I can find the love I have for you within and around the anger. Even when I’m hurt, scared, and tired of the b.s., I can still find, connect with, and foster that love.

And if I can’t, something might really be wrong!

Practice may not make this one perfect, but it gets you there. Loving through the annoyance, anger, frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response.

Remember; I’m loving you. Love me, too. If we can pull that off, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to make this thing work!

Update 1/25/09

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GOOD news; ran just OVER 6 miles (if the signs were accurate…)…

BAD news; I ran the OVER part because someone stole my bag I’d placed, slightly hidden by the trail. I didnt think anyone was crazy enough to be out there today besides me!

GOOD news: I left the keys in the car, not in the bag. (God told me to is the only answer I have for why.)

BAD news: my iPod was in the bag because it was messing up. Bye bye, iPod!.

GOOD news: The run was lovely, and the sound of creeks, birds andother animals were amazing.

iPod was in the bag because it was messing up. Bye bye, iPod! I hope whoever got my bag really NEEDED the lip stuff, gatorade, and the iPod more than I did. :-)

GOOD news: The run was lovely, and the sound of creeks, birds and other animals were amazing. More like creek running than trail running, BTW, but FAR better than concrete anyway. Yay!

P.S. Saw one of the biggest foxes I’ve ever seen.

P.P.S. Anyone have an iPod they want to hand off to me? ;-)

Happy, Happy Birthday Barbie! (Or, In Defense of the Doll)

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Windblown BarbieIn case you hadn’t heard, March 2009 was the month of the 50th birthday of the longest-standing winner of the crown of Most Ambiguous Idol of Women’s Power – BARBIE! March is also Women’s History Month, and International Women’s Day is on the 8th. Irony, or not? You decide.

In honor of the grande dame’s 50th, I begin my tribute with a little piece on the Plastic Priestess from Sexy Witch (LaSara FireFox, Llewellyn, nonfiction, 2005), chapter two, on self-esteem. From there, much commentary as a recognition and celebration of changing feminist values and views.

In Defense of the Doll: The Barbie Revolution

Barbie has gone from being a vapid example of how women are “supposed to be,” to being the most successful female in America. Barbie has had 95+ careers, has been created in 45 different nationalities. And, has busted through the glass ceiling on many frontiers. Launched in 2004: White House Barbie!

With any luck, we mortals will soon catch up with this versatile plasticine character.
Sexy Witch, LaSara FireFox, Llewellyn Worldwide, 2005

Flashback to the late ’80s, and My Long, Long Journey Towards Respecting Barbie:

With a spotty family history (I’ll spare you the drama), and the fervor of Take Back the Night, I stepped into adulthood at the tail-end of the 2nd Wave, and a chip on my shoulder the size of…well, the size of womanhood itself, and the ills heaped upon it (or, us), I guess.

  • At 18 I started body building, and learned self-defense techniques that made it possible for me to kill a man with my bare hands.
  • At 19, I shaved my head, wore boy-clothes, and started walking, talking, and f*cking like a man. Anything HE could do, I could do better – f8ck the “high heels and backwards” part! I wore combat boots. (Didn’t we all?)
  • At 21, I worked as the only female employee in a moving company of 130+, and became one of the guys. Worked twice as hard for half the respect, yada yada yada.
  • Yeah. A lot of men were ass3s. And yes, gender was bu77sh1t. And yes, shaving my head, the confidence of knowing how to kill “a perp,” and the strength to lift a washing machine single-handedly made it possible for me to pass as a guy with confidence, and do all sorts of stuff that girls (yep, even most “riot grrrls”) couldn’t, or wouldn’t do.
  • And as a redhead, shaving your hair off is a sure-fire way to find out who’s been objectifying you! At least, that’s how I felt when men talked to me eye to eye instead of eye to breast. Then there were the friends who bailed – I figured to he77 with ‘em, if they can’t take the “real” me.

Result: I hated men more, loved myself less…and slowly, overtime, found a long and winding path towards my own healing, from the inside out.

  • First, I made gender my own.
  • Then I started the process of making peace with my body and its female vulnerabilities.
  • Then, I began the (still-challenging) work of making peace with men, and the fact that they truly COULDN’T (and can’t) understand what it was like to be a woman.

Not their fault. Not always a comfortable truth, but a truth all the same

Just like the fact that I can’t understand what it’s like to be a woman from Chiapas. I can empathize. I can listen to her life stories. I can do what I can to put myself in her shoes. But I cannot know what it is like to BE her.

I learned, and as I learned I taught. I taught workshops. I taught classes. I had debates – formal and informal. I wrote articles.

In the midst of it all, I became a mom.

As a strong, some might even say extremist, feminist, what changed my mind about Barbie?

My daughter was a Daughter. A Daughter, with a capital “D”. Delicate, pale shell of an inviolable (please god, please – prayer whispered again and again) holy of holies. Alabaster skin, tiny ankles, long, fine fingers.

It was as if she were born with a very “traditionally feminine” tenderness. Holding her felt like holding a fragile china doll, with a pulse – one I was entirely responsible to protect from a hard world.

My little one’s fragility announced itself like a metaphorical pink bow tied around her mostly-hairless head – it was like she had an extra x chromosome, just for good measure.

And who knows? Maybe she does? Human chromosomal genetic sex is a spectrum that contains 47 possible combinations of Xs and Ys.

Even before my eldest daughter’s birth, I had Rules (with a capital “R”) about how she’d be raised. No gender-based gifts, no pink clothes, no dresses. The then-hubby and I hand-dyed “baby pink” Yoga Barbieand “baby blue” cotton infant shirts black. (Back in ’97 there were no hip, punk-rock baby shops.) We gave her dolls, but made sure she had tractors, too.

But then the damnedest thing happened; my daughter started speaking for herself. Very early. And very – you guessed it – outspokenly. At about seven months.

One of her first favorite words was “pretty.” And it referred to anything pink.

I loosened up. She LIKED dresses. She loved pink ones the most. Especially ones with tutus, frills, and bright colors. So, bit by bit, along came the wings, and the wands, and the tulle, and the ballet shoes. The girly summer sandals.

I still held on to the “no Barbies” rule. For a very long time. It was a point of reference for me. Something to hold on to.

Against all the ribbing, joking, cajoling, I held on. The Beauty Myth. Anorexia. Bulimia. High heels. Tiny waists. Huge breasts. Make up. Etc. I was afraid of the impact the Plasticine Queen would have on my – already SO female – daughter.

When she was two-and-a-half, my precocious one asked; “Mom, why can’t I have a Barbie?” She was (is) quite a sharp cookie, and a little pitcher with some big ears! I took a breath, and said “I’m afraid she’ll make you feel badly about yourself.” Her response?

“Mommy, she’s just a doll!” I swear to this day that her voice had a slight edge of disbelief that I could ever be quite so silly.

She won that argument, hands down.

My daughter taught me something in that moment. Sometimes a doll IS just a doll.

And over the years of welcoming Barbie into my family in her many guises, the lovely lady has taught me a few things, too. My girls and I especially loved the Witch Barbies a couple of Halloweens ago. But the greatest sight by far has been the Barbie knock-offs you find in the Middle East. These lovelies sing Middle Eastern Disco, and wear hijab – a hair covering traditional for women in Muslim culture.

The latest of Barbie’s 95+ careers? CEO. To shed some light on that, The Onion has a wise (ass), and very relevant article on the topic.

Yes, the pink-collar ghetto is still a real thing. Women still make less than men, on average, across the board. The statistical nexus where gender, sex, race, education, motherhood and the market place converge are so convoluted that only economists can do them justice.

And, even at that, there’s HUGE debate about the gender-wage-gap, it’s origins, and possible solutions.

So here I’ll site only a couple of stats I can recall off the top of my head: a white woman, on average, makes about .75 for each $1 a white man makes. That is a quarter less per dollar. $25 less for every $100. $250 less for every $1000. .75 cents on the dollar is a big deal.

The largest wage gap is between white men, and Mexican and Hispanic women. If I remember correctly, the gender-wage-gap is lowest between Mexican and Hispanic men, and Mexican and Hispanic women. (Probably because Mexican and Hispanic men make damn near nothing!)

In all this truth, thank God for Barbie. God bless her, from her misshapen little feet, to her plastic space helmet, to her smart, strong, suits, to her new measurements. Sure, she’s still got an “unrealistic” bod. So does Angelina Jolie, and I love her none-the-less!

To grossly reduce the parody The Onion offers, Barbie’s careers are seemingly “unrealistic”, too. Fer chrissake, in 1979, there was a black Barbie for President doll! That’s a big deal, too.

Some kinds on “unrealistic” are good. Women getting the vote was, at one time, unrealistic. The civil rights movement? World peace…

Diwali Barie, East Indian BarbieUnrealistic doesn’t mean impossible. Sometimes unrealistic is just a challenge that spurs us on.

In Barbie’s world, your worth isn’t based on whether you’re married by the time you’re thirty – as a matter of fact, Barbie’s never been married. In her world, a woman can have any career she wants – or even a whole bunch of them! And she’s no less beautiful, womanly or feminine as a surgeon than as a nurse. And no less strong as a nurse than as a surgeon.

With luck, some perseverance, and some “unrealistic” dreaming, perhaps someday it’ll be so in our world, too.

I trust our girls to know which elements to strive to change, and where to put their focus.

It’s our responsibility not to unthinkingly pass on our wounds, hand our daughters the glass ceilings that held us down, or limit their reaching for the sky, the scalpel, or even the Malibu spa.

And, it’s our responsibility to have the conversation about body image, health, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-esteem over and over again. Even more, it’s our responsibility to model that health for them.

And while that conversation may begin with Barbie, it does not end with her. After all, she’s just a doll.

 

Check out Lasara’s upcoming workshops here!

Men, Anger, and Arguments; Some Do’s and Don’ts

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by Robert Allen

Sometimes arguments just happen. And in those moments, anger can flare.

Voices are raised. Postures are struck. Positions are held.

Of course this never solves anything.

Men have a tendency to strike threatening postures and assume hostile stances when sparked to anger. It’s fight or flight in it’s most aggressive form, projected outward, to the one you love.

And this lacks respect.

Or, men close down, finding anger and the accompanying emotions too overwhelming.

And sometimes, men just want to be right, at any cost.

To avoid falling into argument, the answer is clear communication and assertiveness. Psychologists Harry Mills and Mark Dombeck say that to be assertive is to communicate respect for yourself and for whom you are communicating with at the same time.

You’ll become more honest in your interactions by using assertiveness skills (as opposed to aggression). It takes practice, but in time healthy assertion can become your natural response.

When your temper flairs during an argument, here’s a list of a few do’s and don’t's to get you through disagreements with your mate:

DO Breathe Deeply

It’s the old standard, breathe in and out slowly with full breaths until your mind calms. In moments of high emotion, oxygen to the brain is your friend. If you don’t believe it, try it.

DO Think Clearly

Now that you’ve calmed yourself, stop and use your head: Why am I angry? Why do I feel out of control? Do I really want to hurt my mate or dismiss her feelings? What’s my part in this disagreement?

Stay relaxed and allow clarity.

DO Act Appropriately

Now it’s time to problem solve, regroup, reframe, allay the anger, and work toward agreement. Let the outcome be positive understanding, not resentment.

DON’T Close Down

Don’t do that guy thing and get cold, walk away, or otherwise end the argument passively. Stay engaged, and be part of the problem solving.

DON’T Act Aggressively

Aggressive posturing and raising your voice is threatening and disrespectful. All you’ll earn is distrust, not agreement. Don’t do it.

DON’T Accuse

Don’t name call, don’t blame, don’t insult. Use sentences that begin with “I”, not “you.” Gain clarity before negative emotions make you say things you’ll regret.

Using the skills above, arguments can be cooled. And possibly avoided.

And that’s good for you both.

About the Author:
Robert Allen is a writer, daddy to two amazing girls, and husband to his devoted wife, Lasára.

Seven Steps to Healthy Communication With Your Kids

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by Lasára Allen, MPNLP, www.lasaraallen.com

As conscious parents working to create a better world, we know that the work – and joy – of it begins at home. Here are seven steps that offer you a foundation for clear and healthy communication with your most precious focus; your children.

1. Honor your kid’s questions with answers.

If your child is mature enough to formulate a question on a given topic, she is mature enough to get an honest answer from you. That answer should always be age appropriate, and within your comfort zone.

Sometimes an honest answer is “I don’t know,” or “That’s not a question I’m ready to answer.” If either of those are the case, follow up appropriately.

If you don’t know, you can always make it a research project for you and your kid to engage in together.

If you don’t feel comfortable answering a question because it gets into territory you feel conflicted about, own your boundary around it (see step 4), and let your child know when you would be willing to revisit the topic – whether it’s in a couple of days, or when your kid is in the fifth grade, or when you’ve sorted your stuff out. Always be responsible and proactive with the follow-up.

Bonus idea: Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for directions on creating a “Question Box.”

2. Own your feelings.

Don’t make your discomfort your kid’s “fault.” If the question he has asked makes your hair stand on end and your face flush, know that your embarrassment, your discomfort, or your anger.

A danger inherent in parent-child communication is that your kid will take on your shame, your discomfort, or your unease. Or, in cases where a kid is a “mismatcher”, they may act out in opposition to your stance. If you don’t want your kids blindly falling into – or acting out in response to – your wounding, patterning, imprinting or behaviors, own your internal conflicts.

3. What isn’t said speaks more loudly than what IS.

Ignore it and it’ll go away? Not a chance. But sooner or later, your kid(s) will – especially if you’re unable to answer the questions brought to you. Sex, drugs, money; they’re all topics that may have been avoided in your family of origin. But do you want your kids getting answers from the same unreliable sources you did? (On the schoolyard, TV, your parents, the government?)

The conspicuous silences in your communication are an OUT LOUD statement – about what’s inappropriate, shameful, unmentionable. If you want your kids getting different messages than what you were handed, make sure you’re giving voice to your opinions.

Normalize the topics that make you want to freeze up. Talk with your friends, talk with your trusted advisors (your coach, your priest, your therapist, your doctor), talk with your parents, talk with your peers. Know that there’s a whole world of information out there. If you feel conflicted about your own ideas, educate yourself about different views.

If money was a hidden topic in your family and you feel that hasn’t served you in your quest for financial literacy, give your kids a head start by bringing them into alignment with your financial values.

If you want your kids to know that sex is a good thing to have clarity about, model it by having values-based conversations with your kids about how to define their own sexual values.

With your nonjudgmental guidance and conscientious modeling, this process can begin consciously before your kids are even bringing direct question to you for answers.

Bonus Idea: Use my Sexual Ethics questionnaire for a tool that will help you find a starting place for these discussions. Write me at ms.allen@lasaraallen.com for your free copy.

4. Own your boundaries.

We all need appropriate boundaries. Modeling boundaries is, in my opinion, one of the most resourceful gifts you can offer your kids. One of the best way to offer boundary awareness to your kids is to model healthy boundaries in your interactions with them.

This means that you have not only the right, but the responsibility to say “stop!” when your wee one is hurting you, to close the door when you need a minute to yourself, to go for a run on a daily basis – no matter how needy others might be feeling.

Your healthy boundary also makes a clear distinction, and allows you to own your limitations or discomfort. In the course of a conversation or other interaction with your kids, you are bound to occasionally come up against the edges of your comfort zone. In these moments, it creates clarity to own your boundary, and make it clear that any discomfort you feel is due to your own process, and not something that your young-one is doing wrong.

5. Respect your child’s boundaries.

Healthy boundaries go both ways. Another element of boundary in parenting that is all-too-often overlooked is this one; if you want your kids to know that their boundaries are to be respected, you must respect your kid’s “no.”

This can be tricky, but it must be worked out.

For example, sharing is a great value to instill. However, I know how I’d feel if someone came into my office and said “You aren’t using your cell phone right now. Let Joe use it.” My response would be along the lines of “Well, I don’t lend out my cell phone, but Joe is welcome to use the house phone.”

Yet, often parents will enforce sharing to such a degree that it can erode a kid’s sense of  control. Negotiate with your young-one. Create agreed-upon rules about sharing, such as designating certain items as “special” ones that they will never be asked to share.

With touch-related boundaries, it may be the most important to respect our kid’s voice. If little Aaron doesn’t like being grabbed and kissed by Aunt Joan, or tickled by his cousins, help him to voice his boundary.

Helping to set a boundary with Aunt Joan may be an uncomfortable moment, but everyone is sure to learn something in it, and Aaron is going to know that he never has to be touched in a way that’s not comfortable for him in order to make someone else feel better.

If we want our kids to have the power of knowing that boundaries are to be respected, we need to both model firm boundaries for ourselves and our kids, and respect our children when they place a boundary that is reasonable.

6. Respectful, loving touch fosters connection! Stay embodied.

Kids listen better when they feel safe. (We all do.) They also communicate better when they know you aren’t mad at them. (We all do.) Creating consensual, appropriate, loving connection through physical touch can help both parties stay present in an interaction.

There are many different modes for communication. Different types and levels of physical engagement are appropriate to different settings.

If your child enjoys horsing around, sometimes breaking the tension with a little tickling, wrestling or clowning around is totally appropriate. Or, sometimes massaging your kid’s neck while you chat might be just the right thing.

If your little one is feeling sad, ask if he wants a hug. If your child is feeling tender or vulnerable, it can be great to offer to just hold your kid while he cries. If that’s too much, or not desired, you can offer your hand for holding.

Most importantly, pay attention to your child’s physiological responses, and respond accordingly. If your kid prefers sitting side-to-side instead of face-to-face, talk while sitting on the couch.

One of my daughters loves to have sit-down meetings with her parents. She’s the younger kid, and loves all the attention being on her for the time that we give it. My older daughter, on the other hand, prefers a casual chat while in the car, out on a walk, or her favorite – while shopping.

The point is, every kid is different, with different needs, comfort levels, and desires regarding touch, embodiment and process. Pay attention to what makes your kid more comfortable, and communication will get easier.

Another way to stay embodied is to remember to breathe. If things get stressful, consciously choose to relax your body. Breath into the moment, and you will be more likely to respond the moment that is occurring, rather than reacting to how your dad responded when you brought up the same issue, and you were in the seat that your son is in.

There are two benefits to this practice; the first is that you will be more relaxed, which is a positive thing in and of itself. The second is that your child’s body will respond to your relaxation by matching it.

Whiling remaining conscious and respectful of boundary, connect with your kids on a physical level while you communicate with them. And, stay engaged with your own physiological center.

7. The model is the message.

“Do what I say, not what I do,” doesn’t work. Your kids believe you. They watch you. They look up to you. They learn from you. And, actions speak so much louder than words.

When my clients say demoralizing things about themselves, my standard response is “How would you feel if your kid did (or said, felt or thought) that? Because, she’s going to.” Your kids will, consciously or unconsciously, emulate your modeling.

In this way, self-care is taking care of your children. Your ability to take care of yourself is one of the best foundational messages you can offer your kids. If you don’t want your kids to smoke, quit smoking. If you are having a hard time quitting, talk with your kids about it.

When you make a commitment to shifting a pattern of your own behavior, you can also enroll your kid’s support. This is another opportunity to model resilient skills for your kids. Ask for the help and support you need. Explain why shifting the pattern is hard for you. Use it as an opportunity to educate your kids on good choice-making, using yourself as an example.

Transparency and integrity are areas that you may also choose to model. “I only smoke when I’m away from my kids,” may seem like a good way to limit the damage, but how would you feel if your kid said “Well, I only smoke when I’m away from you.”

When you tell your kids not to get in the car with anyone who’s drinking, and then drive them home from a party after you’ve had a beer, you’re sending a mixed message. It’s confusing, and builds in not only the space for justification in the particular (well, Jo isn’t drunk, so I guess it’s okay to get a ride with her…), but also the room for justification in other areas.

Do you obfuscate? Do you outright lie to your kids? If so, you are ultimately undermining your own authority. How do you think your kids will feel when they find out that you did inhale? If you lie to your kids, or if your behaviors and your words don’t match up, you are giving your kids a template for behaving in the same way. If you value transparency and honesty, model it.

Are you being a resourceful and integrated model for your kids? Here’s a good guideline; ask yourself,  ‘If my kid were engaging in the behavior I’m engaging in, how would I feel about it?”

Bonus idea: Create a family charter of agreements.

Sustainable Family Values – How Values Grow.

You are always modeling your values. The tricky part is that we often have two sets of values – idealized values (the values we like to think we have) and applied values (the values we actually live by). If what you think you believe, and how you act in your day to day don’t match up, you’re out of alignment with your ideal values.

You can shift your values into alignment by changing your behaviors to match up with your beliefs. The steps I have offered in this article offer a great starting point for the work of coming into alignment.

The more consciously you engage with living your values, the more aligned your modeling will be with your ideal life. This is a true win/win situation; as you model the behavior that you would most want to see your children emulate, you begin living the best possible version of your life.

Bonus Idea: Define your family’s shared values.

About the Author:
Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.

Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life.

(Please feel free share this article, in its entirety. Leave all links active. Quoting is welcome, and should be performed in accordance with basic MLA quoting guidelines.)

REVIEW – Day Spa, Ukiah, CA: Lillian’s Medical Spa ROCKS!!!

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First, I have to say that I love Lillian. I mean, I really have a lot of love for her. She’s the sweetest, most gentle-touch, fully real, honest transparent aesthetician I’ve ever had the pleasure of sharing time with. She’s responsive to my needs and desires, generous with her time, and honest. She’s also very skilled at her trade. Lillian is careful, clean, and fast. You can’t lose with that combination!

I can only imagine that the rest of her crew are just as good at what they do. I speak from my own experience when I say that they’re all friendly, sweet, down-to-earth, and very real.

The prices at Lillian’s are more than reasonable, especially for the basics; eyelash tint is $15, as is brow shaping. Lillian charged me $40 for a full facial wax (arches, lip, chin, and jaw line) AND eyelash tint. AND, she threw in a simple facial — all because it was my birthday! Yes, I tipped! And as you can see, Lillian tips back – to her loyal customers.

It’s a joy to get work done and pass the time at Lillian’s. Give yourself a TREAT and book your appointment today. Tell them Lasára sent you!

Lasára Allen…author, educator, activist, coach.

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Lasara Firefox AllenTopics: parenting, relationships, family, advice, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, gratitude, compassion, and spiritual practice, gratitude games, gratitude journal, science of gratitude, health benefits of gratitude, family, parenting, communication, compassion, spirituality, health, wholism, sustainability, positive globalism, giving, health and fitness, running, fitness, exercise, yoga, Pilates. Nonfiction, self-help, how-to, advice.

Thank you for visiting my site! I look forward to interacting with you. Check out the articles. Read, comment, reprint (with credit and links intact!), enjoy!

Use any of these articles as copy for your blog, website, newsletter or e-zine. Let me know about the reprint by sending a note to lasara.allen.mpnlp@gmail.com. Please include all links and Lasára’a bio (below) in all reprints.

You’re always welcome to contact me with thoughts, requests for info, invitations to present at e-conferences, teleseminars, seminars, for speaking engagements, or other reasons I may not have thought of! Please drop me a note at: lasara.allen.mpnlp@gmail.com.

Bio:

Lasara Firefox Allen is an internationally published, best-selling author, educator, and activist. Her book Sexy Witch (Llewellyn, 2005, under the name LaSara FireFox)) is published in four languages and distributed globally. Lasara’s latest print publication is The Pussy Poems, which is both a personal and political statement on the state of the cooch (and a women’s right to reproductive choice) in the USA. Her writing is feature in numerous anthologies, textbooks, and print and on-line journals and zines.

Lasara’s writing covers a range of topics including relationships and intimacy, family, parenting, communication, sex and sexuality, feminism, media literacy as it relates to body-image and self-esteem, writing, yoga, health & holistic well-being, mental health and bipolar disorder, gratitude, compassion, and spiritual practice.

She is a respected speaker, teacher, and facilitator, and has a selective and thriving coaching practice.

Married to the love of her life, Robert Allen, and mother to two amazing daughters, Lasara and her family live in the wilds of northern California. They surround themselves with a community of loving, like-minded souls.

Find out more at www.tattoosandtomatoes.com, https://www.facebook.com/lasara.firefox.allen.mpnlp, www.tarotwithlasara.com, and www.thepussypoems.com.

MORE ABOUT LASÁRA:

Read more about Lasara at Wikipedia.

Listen to Lasara’s Raising Grateful Children Teleclass here.

Lasara’s past podcasting:

Yoga Mama Satsangha
Some topics: The Quiet Revolution – Beyond Sharing the Housework * The Importance of Daily Practice 
Yoga Mama Satsangha; When Values Clash…
 * LaSara interviews Anna Getty of the illustrious Getty Family, and founder of Pure Style Living and Pregnancy Awareness Month (PAM). * and more.

Wisdom Being in Work
Wisdom Being in Work, LaSara interviews Ariel Gore, prolific author and founder and former editor of Hip Mama Magazine. * LaSara interviews Christine Comaford-Lynch.

Winner:
Hot Mommas Project – mentoring for women and girls; international case study competition, 2008 – 2009

Nominations:
Shorty Award, #literary category, 2010
S
Shorty Award, #gratitude category, 2009
Persevering Business Woman of the Year, 2009
California Outstanding Women of the Year, 2009

Neuro-Linguistic Programing Affiliations:
Pure NLP/Society of NLP with Richard Bandler; NLP Trainer Training
Hawkridge Training Institute with Phil Farber; NLP Master Practitioner Training
NLP California with Tim Halbom; NLP Practioner Training

Doing Our Part to Safeguard the Ecological Heritage of Future Generations

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See below the text box for our other green business policies, and ways that you, too, can reduce your carbon footprint.

We Sell Primarily Green Products, and Our Services are Green, Too
  • Gratitude Games, our primary product is download only – zero-waste product; no shipping waste, no manufacturing waste.
  • Telephone-based coaching and teleclasses are a greener option than their in-person counterparts.
  • We are moving towards e-books, and away from print materials.
  • We choose primarily green and eco-conscious partners to work with, and as often as possible use ecologically sound third-party companies to create our products.

    • Contrary to Popular Sentiment, it IS Easy being Green!
    Gratitude Games are Green!

    The crew who brings you Gratitude Games are grateful for a healthy global environment. And we want to do our part to safe-guard the ecosystem for future generations.

    So Gratitude Games are green products. No shipping, no handling, no packaging = no waste! A download link is sent immediately upon purchase.

    Go GREEN; it’s is as easy as 1, 2, 3!
    1.    Visit download page – sent to you when you order.
    2.    Download files.
    3.    Print items or play from your computer.
    The technical details of buying GRATITUDE GAMES green: a high-speed internet connection all that’s required.

    Five Reasons to Go Green with Gratitude Games

    • Combat the waste of shipping; each mile a product travels to get to shop, or to your house, or a shop then your house, leaves a carbon footprint.
    • Eliminate the packaging required for shipment. The overnight shipping industry alone uses over a billion envelopes and packages a year. (See below the text box for more details.)
    • You can print the items as green as you like – if your home or home office is fully green, than so is your product! If you have a paper/printer-free office, you can have them printed by a local green printer, or the nearest superstore. Your choice!
    • Reduces manufacturing cost, saving you – and us – money.
    • Reduces manufacturing waste; when lots are manufactured, there are pieces that may or may not sell, and all the packaging that goes along with each piece. With downloads, only what you need to print is printed, so there’s no unnecessary waste.

    The overnight shipping industry uses more than a billion shipping envelopes and boxes each year. This packaging not only creates significant solid waste after its use, but its production also requires large quantities of paper and plastic, uses energy and water, and produces both air and water pollution.

    Our Green Business Practices

    Paper-Free Office:

    • If U.S. businesses cut office paper use by only 10%, it would prevent the emission of 1.6 million tons of greenhouse gases (the equivalent of taking 280,000 cars off the road).

    If you aren’t ready to go paper-free, recycle! Recycling 1 ton of paper saves:

    • 17 mature trees.
    • 7 thousand gallons of water.
    • 3 cubic yards of landfill space.
    • 2 barrels of oil (84 US gallons).
    • 4,100 kilowatt-hours (15 GJ) of electricity; enough energy to power the average American home for five months. (Citation: wikipedia)

    Printer- and Fax-Free Office.

    • No e-waste; printers and faxes, in addition to computers, create electronic waste. (See links below for more about the e-waste problem.)
    • No ink cartridge waste.

    Energy Use Reduction:

    • We use very little heat – in the winter time we move most of our operations into a family space that’s already warmed, to reduce heating use.
    • Turn off lights when not in use.
    • Turn off all appliances not in use.


    Why Guest Host a Twitter #GRATITUDE Gathering?

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    1. Because it’s fun to help create a Twitterwave of Gratitude, and share the love. :-)
    2. It increases your visibility on Twitter, and expands your network in the nicest way – you get a whole lot of new friends who are #gratitude enthusiasts.
    3. It is a way of offering service to the awakening of the compassionate heart.

    What Are Your Responsibilities as a Co-Host?

    Hosting responsibilities fall into two categories:

    1. Leading up to #GRATITUDE, help CREATE BUZZ! Tweet and RT about #GRATITUDE like crazy! I always have a template tweet up on my profile if it’s coming up. It will read something like:

    “Share #GRATITUDE! Gathering – Second Sunday, (Month, Day). For more info, @Yoga_Mama, or http://cli.gs/ybmTP. (PLS RT!)”

    Send DMs to your friends, especially the very connected ones, and ask them to RT, too.

    2. At the event itself, participate, and enjoy! You may want to come up with some gratitude quotes, or gratitude inspiring questions, to toss into the conversation. Share your own gratitudes. Comment on the sharings of other guests. Give support, give love, give thanks!

    Want to be a guest host? E-mail us: msallen @ lasaraallen .com!

    Lasára’s Assistants:

    Currently, my assistants are: @RockinMomma and @YourImpact

    1. Leading up to the event, just like hosts, assistants build the buzz. They also help gather donations of prizes and send the info to me, and send out tweet about the prizes as well.
    2. During the event, assistants let people know what prizes are, and what participants need to do in order to get prizes, For example:

    * If it’s a kid-related prize, that might be: The fifth person to @yoga_mama an answer to the question – what r u most grateful about in a kid u love?
    * If it’s a piece of clothing, it might be “The 17th person to @yoga_mama what they are grateful for about their body.”
    * The questions can also be totally unrelated to the prize, like a secret gratitude you’re ready to share.
    * All questions must have a # as winner (5th, 17th, 8th, etc.)
    * All answers must @yoga_mama, or I can keep track – so no @yoga_mama, and the answer doesn’t count.

    3. Assistants keep track of who won, and ask them to @Yoga_Mama for details to redeem prizes.
    4. Assistants remind guests of how to win the prizes, announce when a new one is coming up, and what it is, and keep the gift ball rolling smoothly.

    Want to assist LaSara for an upcoming #GRATITUDE Gathering? E-mail us: msallen @ lasaraallen .com!

    Bipolar Disorder: …It Sucks.

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    http://www.LasaraAllen.com

    Okay, I admit it; we bipolar folks can be a real handful. If you have close friends who live with bipolar disorder (BD), you’ve probably had a couple – or more – not-so-easy interactions with them/us.

    This is my invitation to walk a mile in their/my shoes.

    But before we go further, terms; I choose to say, “live with”, instead of “suffer” bipolar disorder. I would much rather live with than suffer pretty much anything.

    And, though I do live with this disorder, I’m not reveling in it. I’m living with it. You won’t hear me saying “other abled” about BD, except jokingly. Bipolar disorder is a disability. One you live with.

    Thus the title of my little article.

    Kinda like:

    “I’m sure that time when I disappeared in my car for a month without telling you where I was going was rough on you.

    It was rough on me, too.”

    When I was younger, the way I dealt with my symptoms was just that – to get in my truck and drive away until I could deal with my life again. When I pulled a “disappearing act,” as my mom would call it, no one had to see the weak, dark, tormented, vulnerable side of the hard-core, shaved headed, feminist that I was.

    Especially when I was severely depressed, it was far easier to wander off like a wounded animal does, and care for myself. Lick my gashes – always at risk of gnawing off the offending limb.

    At times I crawled under the covers, at times into a bottle, at times into bed with unseemly strangers, at times I drifted into and out of towns I had never been to and would never again see. A ghost in a substantial world; it made it easier – no story to stick to, no one to let down, absolute freedom to be where, and who, I was in that moment.

    It may sound romantic. Until you think about the whole picture. Which is where a lot of people get stuck with understanding BD. You see me as outgoing, charismatic, strong, and edge-seeking. Or you see me as a loose cannon. Or you see me as overly sensitive. The truth is, just like you, I’m multifaceted. But with BD, many of those facets can become larger than life.

    If I were to become “apologist” for BD, or if I were manic, this is where I would say; “It’s part of being me. I feel more. I see more. I do more. I taste more. My life IS larger than yours. You have no idea!”

    That grandiosity is what we give up when we go on meds or find other ways to truly stabilized BD.

    You know what else we give up? Never asking for help. We have to give that one up, too.

    Parenting With Bipolar Disorder
    When I had kids, the disappearing-act approach to my dealing with my disorder became both less inviting, and immeasurably less accessible.

    At times, parenting is a challenge for anyone. Parenting with bipolar disorder is a horse of a different color. For many of us who live with bipolar disorder, even after receiving an accurate diagnosis it takes a while to learn what it means to manage the disorder. After all, BD by definition tends toward feeling (and often acting) out of control.

    Becoming a parent requires getting a whole new perspective and handle on the disorder – whether diagnosed or not. This is where you come in.

    How to Support Your Friends Who Live With Bipolar Disorder
    A big turning point comes when we begin figuring out how BD shows up in each of us who lives with the disorder. It’s not a uniform experience person-to-person, and sometimes there are other circumstances thrown into the mix. And it is introspection and self-awareness that allow those of us who live with BD to ask for what we need.

    Let’s do a role-play. Imagine I’m your bipolar friend, talking to you right now.
    Here’s how to support me:

    Educate yourself about bipolar disorder.
    Read up on BD, because sometimes I get tired of trying to explain the disorder.

    This is especially so when I’m symptomatic. When I’ve already called you a b*tch for trying to get me out of bed after five days, I’m not going to be able to tell you how to deal with my mood swings.

    Ask me about how I experience BD.
    If I’ve been open about my diagnosis with you, chances are I’m more than willing to talk to you about it.

    It DOES NOT mean I’ve invited armchair analysis, or unsolicited problem solving.

    Show me I can trust you. Show me you trust me.
    Supporting me requires mutual trust, and agreements on appropriate feedback. Choosing the right word at the right time can make all the difference.

    For instance, if I’m feeling paranoid and you yell, “You’re paranoid!” let’s just say it doesn’t help.

    However, when you say, “I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. I’m never going to hurt you,” it reminds me that I’m taken care of, and my paranoia begins to subside.

    And, if both you and I experience mood disorders, those agreements are even more necessary.

    Ask me what you can do.
    Sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I need a walking buddy. Sometimes I need some tough love. Sometimes I need tenderness. Ask me what I need.

    If I have enough self-awareness at that moment, I’ll even be able to tell you what it is! But…

    Don’t let me bulls#!t you.
    If you’re a really good friend, sometimes you WILL know better than I do what’s good for me.

    Ask me how I deal, and how I heal.
    Once you know what my main coping methods are, you can support me in the ones that help me attain what stability is possible. You can help me to find my ground, and still safely encourage me to stand tall.

    Sometimes it’s the everyday things that matter most. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower or bath, going for a walk. Unless you yourself have experienced depression, you probably have no idea how hard it can be to commit to carrying out these minor tasks. When it gets really bad, this can extend to eating, hanging out with my kids, getting out of bed.

    The truth is, these are exactly the things that will keep me healthy, happy, alive. Eating well, exercising, interacting in healthy relationships, completion of basic daily tasks.

    Get me out of bed, and – no exaggeration – you just may have saved my life.

    Resources:

    http://www.nami.org/

    http://www.bipolar-lives.com/index.html

    BOOK REVIEW: The Won Thing; the latest from amazing bestseller Peggy McColl

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    While Peggy McColl’s The Won Thing may sound like a “Rah rah!” guide to the entrepreneurial pursuit, like many of the books on the entrepreneurial life, this is a much more comprehensive guide to finding, creating and living the life you want -  the whole life.

    Peggy talks about her confusion about relationships in a real way – it was the ’70s when Peggy was a young single mom struggling with how to survive, how to support herself, and still in some way hoping for that mythical Knight in Shining Armor to come to her rescue.

    The transition towards the desire to control her own life, her own direction, her own path was not an easy one.

    As a woman who is now in her adulthood, but grew up watching exactly this struggle, Peggy’s story strikes a deep chord. One that resonates with my own recent discovery that I don’t always want to be in the driver seat.

    The point though of Peggy’s new book (already a smoking, overnight bestseller!) is not WHAT your personal desire is. It’s how to reach that desire. How to make it real. How to achieve exactly the life you envision as the life that fits.

    Peggy also writes about her own experience of how her successes sometimes upset the status quo – how friends, family relatives may be come jealous, or destabilised by the lifestyle changes, shifts in values and priorities that are the stepping stones to achieving this new, beautiful, ideal life.

    This is another experience I can personally attest to.

    The truth that Peggy repeatedly circles back to is that no one is going to change your life for you – you are the only one who can rescue you from the negative beliefs, negative patterns, and ruts that keep you creating the outcomes that no longer serve you.

    Thankfully, Peggy also gives concrete ways out of these negative patterns.

    Using universal techniques that I recognize from my own training – Neuro-Linguistic Programming, cognitive behavioral therapies, bio-psychology, and even my favorite, GRATITUDE! – Peggy tells us how to easily reprogram ourselves out of these old, habitual grooves that keep us running down the same old roads.

    Order today, and you’ll be entered in an amazing giveaway. But the real reason to buy The One Thing is the book itself. Enjoy!

    BOOK REVIEW: Necklace of Kisses, Francesca Lia Block

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    necklace of kisses bookNecklace of Kisses: A Novel

    She healed my heart with tears.

    SO good. I read this in a 3-hour time span on a Pacific – Atlantic flight, cover to cover. I laughed, I cried, I didn’t care that I was in public.

    Francesca Lia Block has offered reading I lusted for since Weetzie Bat. I’m ashamed to say I haven’t read everything she has to offer.

    Block covers some seriously dark, trippy stuff in some of her books. All the same, compelling as hell.

    In Necklace of Kisses, she treads wistful territory in a coming of age, for us women coming of age after the question – or act – of divorce. The erasure of old stories through the enactment of fantasy. The fantasy world entering into the real. The fantastical as part and parcel to a magical daily life.

    I’m forever gratefully heartbroken by Block’s writing. I couldn’t make it through Eat, Pray, Love – though I tried three times. But Necklace of Kisses was a growing up, growing into, growing through, that hit home – and then caressed the sweet spot with a magical balm that healed a tearing in my pericardium.

    Thank you, Ms. Block. I think I’m in love with you.

    P.S. I also let my daughter read this when she was 11. (Yes, I’m liberal in these areas.) Now 12, she’s read it three times.

    Finding Light in the Darkness – The Reason for the Season

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    The celebration of this season has roots in the timeless, hidden promise of light and warmth that lives within the dark. Even after the longest night of the year is over, winter still holds sway. But the light does begin its ascent to grandeur and glory in the eternal procession of seasons.

    With eyes open to this bit of earth-based awareness, you’ll see representations of this ode to light reflected in whatever rituals are performed – be it the hanging of twinkling Christmas lights, the lighting of the Menorah, or the Mshumaa, or the burning of the Yule log.

    Each one of these ceremonies bring us to the same moment of invocation of the return of the light, and gratitude for the flickering promise that lives in the kindling of the first spark.

    Let this be a chance to invoke the light within as well. Whether you celebrate Solstice, Hanukkah, or Christmas, whether you are calling in the light of the Sun, the miracle of lights, or the light of Christ, conjure it inside of you.

    Make time this season to commit to a new light within you! Light a candle and say a prayer. Light a host of candles with loved ones, and voice your dreams for the newly burgeoning light. Let each string of lights be a reminder to awaken to the potential of the coming year. Let each fire glowing in the hearth and heart be a reminder of the power of a return to warmth and light.

    The Answer to the Season’s Biggest Question; Yes, Santa IS Real!

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    Keywords: — The Answer to the Season’s Biggest Question; Yes, Santa IS Real!, santa claus, santa clause, god, christmas, family, values, generosity, mysticism, children, santa is real, holiday season, hard questions, faith, christmas spirit, jesus, belief , magic, miracles, christmas miracles, question, santa, spirit, babbo natale

    When it comes to the delicate matter of belief, there are creative ways to answer our children’s questions without taking the magic out of life.

    When my oldest daughter was about five, she asked whether Santa Claus was real. Her dad and I told her that Santa is real to those who believe.

    Is love real? Is hope real? Is magic real? Is faith real? We can’t touch or see any of these things, but most of us do believe in at least a few of them. In some cases, we can feel them. In others, we see proof of them appearing in the physical world.

    I still believe in Santa Claus, and always will.

    I believe that Tibetan Lamas reincarnate with full recall of their previous lives. I believe in knights in shining armor, and princesses in towers. Sometimes it irks me to admit it, but believe I do. I believe in faeries, and faerie tales, pookas, ghosts, saints, and goblins. And I believe in Christmas miracles.

    Just like I believe in God, with Its ineffability, and the many faces It wears.

    <em>Jitterbug Perfume</em> by Tim Robbins has one of the best descriptions I’ve seen of the human relationship with deity. The premise is this: the gods depend upon our belief in them to survive. Our belief makes them real.

    The power of belief is an important gift we must safeguard and instruct in our children. Belief is what we build our lives upon. Without belief, we’re cast adrift on an endless, meaningless sea. Belief offers a rudder when nothing else can help us find our way. 

At 12, my oldest daughter started our Christmas festivities by saying she no longer believes in Santa. And then complained when she didn’t feel the Christmas Spirit flooding her as we trimmed the tree.

    I talked to her about faith.

    The fact is, sometimes it’s been hard to have faith that Santa will come. I’ll admit it; even I of abundant belief I have been known to test The Spirit from time to time. In 2006 I made one such test. It was my first Christmas post-divorce. I had no one to give my Christmas list to. No one to tell what I hoped to find under the tree. That year it was hard to find my belief in the Spirit of Christmas.

    I wanted indoor/outdoor, “Ugg” knock-off slippers. It was what I wanted. It was a deal between me and God, and since I had asked, God knew exactly what was required to prove my faith. I know, it’s kind of petty. Slippers?

    But sometime it’s the little things that matter. Cozy feet on a lonely morning. A small gift out of nowhere.

    Come Christmas, I was gifted a pair of slippers. The gifter didn’t buy them for me, but for a niece. When the slippers didn’t fit the quickly growing girl, my sister asked me to take them instead; she didn’t want to go to the trouble of carrying them home on the plane and exchanging them.

    I whispered a thank you to Santa, and reminded myself that sometimes He works in mysterious ways. He makes miracles occur. Or at least the belief in Him does.

    I didn’t know my sister was bringing slippers for the nieces. She didn’t know I wanted them, either. But He did. And He delivered.

    Throughout my life I’ve seen innumerable miracles of Christmas faith occur, large and small. Movies are built on the theme of The Christmas Miracle.

    Art imitates life. Off the screen, food banks fill for at least one day with more than enough to feed the local hungry. I’ve seen people open their doors to strangers so they would have somewhere to be on Christmas morning. I’ve seen communities pull together and provide gifts for children who would have otherwise gone without.

    To quote the words of song writer Red West, popularized by Elvis, “if every day could be just like Christmas, what a wonderful world this would be.”

    Christmas movies with their grand, soaring themes serve only as a reminder of what’s possible when we allow ourselves to invest in love and faith. And as believing becomes more effortless, the miracles become larger.

    My faith in the Miracle of Christmas is no longer shakable. No more tests required – I finally got my ultimate proof.

    In 2007 my Christmas Miracle was the grandest The Spirit of Christmas has yet conspired to deliver for me. The man I’ve been waiting my whole life to find crossed mountains and rivers that stormy December to be by my side and spend the holidays with me and the children.

    The holidays have never ended for us. They’ll continue for the rest of our lives. The man of my dreams, now my husband, hasn’t left since.

    That Christmas I felt like both Doris and little Susan in Miracle on 34th Street; the home, the family, the life that I had been nearly afraid to desire became my greatest Christmas miracle. Now every holiday season is a celebration of that most profound of miracles; the emergence of a love perfect and complete.

    As a Mystic Mama, I don’t feel that I’m misleading my children by encouraging them to believe in a power that makes their lives happier, more joyous, more bountiful, more hopeful, more magical.

    As they grow older, my children get to become an active part of that energy of selfless giving. They become the ones who enact the spirit. The arms, legs, bodies and hearts that offer those miracles up.

    I know from personal experience that the Holiday Spirit does exist. It’s palpable. It acts in the world.

    Call it the power of faith, or Jesus, or Santa Claus, or generosity, it’s a reminder of a bond of love for our fellow man. Regardless of the name we give it, it sustains. It acts through and for each of us, bringing miracles to bear.

    Kind of like God.

    THE THIRD R: RECYCLE

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    Recycling is probably the most mentioned, but least effective of the three Rs. Of the four items mentioned above, only the yogurt container can be recycled. And at, that, only at some recycling centers. The shirt and plastic bag are landfill. Over time, the shirt will rot away. The plastic bag will not.

    Of all the items I mentioned, the computer is most problematic. There’s a new term that’s been created in recent years; e-waste, or electronic-waste. Your phones, TVs, and computers all fall into this category. Ne recycling here!

    But even with items that are recyclable, the value of the recyclable item as a measure for decreasing waste is variable. It’s complex, and I don’t even begin understand the level of math that goes into figuring it out, but it takes energy to recycle. In some cases more (soda can back into soda cans), in some cases less (post-consumer waste like office paper into toilet paper).

    But, more or less, recycling uses resources. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not telling you to give-up on recycling. I’m just saying that the other two options, reducing and reusing, are the ones that are going to be softer on your pocket, and gentler on the earth at the same time.

    And that’s something you, and your family, can feel good about. Twice!

    (Stay tuned for the FOURTH R: REPURPOSING!)

    About the author: Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.

    Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.

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    THE SECOND R: REUSE

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    Reusing is step two; once you’ve purchased an item and put it into circulation, the more times the item is used, the less the overall impact. This is just as true for a plastic bag, yogurt container, t-shirt, or computer.

    Of the four items mentioned, only the shirt is biodegradable. And, at that, only truly biodegradable if made of organic material such as cotton or silk. So reuse it! (Or, Repurpose – the fourth R.)

    The plastic bag can be reused – as a sandwich bag for your kid’s lunch, at the store for your produce, a container for left-overs like pasta, or even a hair cap for dying your hair. But once it’s done with, it’s landfill – no ifs, ands, or buts.

    If you can find biodegradable

    The yogurt container is a sturdy alternative to Tupperware™ (and basically free, if you bought it for the yogurt, right?). Or, if you’re starting your own “Victory garden” this year, you can use it for starts for your veggies.

    Once the container begins to fall apart, it goes into the recycling – that is, if your town has a recycling program that accepts that kind of plastic.

    Of all the items mentioned, the computer has the most problems with waste – much of it toxic, from batteries in laptops, to the metals used in the construction of the insides of the machine.

    There’s a new term that’s been created in recent years; e-waste, or electronic-waste. Your phones, TVs, and computers all fall into this category.

    E-waste is becoming a larger and larger issue. It’s a problem that’s grown to the extent that companies which once shipped used computers to countries like Africa have stopped, due to the accumulation of e-waste.

    Instead of being a benefit, the well-intentioned act of offering our older technology to countries where there was less available has become a liability, and in a sense, an inadvertent sort of “off-shore dumping” program.

    This article goes so far as to say that once you buy electronics, you should consider them yours for life.

    The longer we can keep any of these items in use, and better yet, in use in our own household, the better for the environment – and our pocket.

    So use your electronics until they’re totally unusable – and then make sure they’re either disposed of properly, or refurbished for further use.

    There’s a line-up in my house for my coveted machine when I eventually upgrade, but if your kids are too high-falutin to take your old laptop, there’s always someone who would be glad to get a few months use out of that outdated computer, or even your “beater” of a car.

    About the author:
    Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.

    Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.

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    THE FIRST R: REDUCE

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    Reduce, Reuse, Recycle -it’s actually a pyramid, not a circle!

    The slogan “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” is in that order for a reason; it makes more sense to envision it as a pyramid than the circular form it’s usually represented as.

    Reduce is the foundation of that pyramid. Reevaluating and reducing consumer habits is the best thing we can do to decrease our planetary impact.

    It’s also a softer on the checkbook.

    Reducing can be an easy step, and many easy choices, that add up to a big change. Some of those steps will happen naturally, as a response to the tightening of belts that occurs in times of financial uncertainty.

    Reduce Use of Gasoline:

    When gas prices shot sky-high in the summer of ’08, my family reduced our number of shopping trips per week. We live rurally, so we planned better, and made each 30+ mile drive to and from the nearest place of commerce really count.

    Yeah, it’s tiring to go to five stores in one day. But we saved a lot of money (and time), and reduced our use of gasoline by about 3/4.

    Even though gas prices have dropped for the time-being, we’ve more-or-less stuck with the newly-learned habit of 1 – 2 shopping trips a week. And it feels great to know that we’re simultaneously saving money AND decreasing our use of petroleum products.

    Buy in Bulk:

    Buying in bulk reduces post-consumer waste, and often helps you save some pennies in the process. In some areas, there are buyers cooperatives that you can join, and go in on true bulk ordering. This saves money, travel or the delivery to individual stores for you and the delivery company, and packaging waste.

    Consider the Concept of “Affluenza“:

    Perhaps the most comprehensive way you and your family can foster the reduce piece of the puzzle is to reconsider the desire to keep up with the Joneses. Don’t get the next gadget that comes along, even though your kid might beg, kick, and scream for the newest of the new of the e-game-component du-jour.

    Ideally, as you begin changing your habits and educating your kids about the reasons why, they’ll be less inclined to see disposable culture as they once did. Based on your modeling, and the new information they’ll receive through family conversation, they’re likely to be less prone to emotional response to acquisitive desires.

    But in the case that attachment does arise, here are some things to remember, and to remind about; not only does the new thing create future trash, but the old one instantly becomes waste in the process.

    And, your wallet gets that-much lighter every time you give in to the consuming-for-consuming’s-sake urge. It’s up to you how much of that part you want to share with your child. There’s a fine line between honesty and over-sharing. You can figure out where yours is.

    Finally, remember this; just the process of asking the question, “Do we NEED this?” will in many cases lead to a substantial decrease in purchases.

    One caution; too much of a limitation of recreational buying can cause a sense of poverty or undue pressure in itself. Allow yourself and your kids the occasional impulse of luxury buy. I myself go for magazines, or an inexpensive bit of make-up. (This is common. There’s actually a name for this recession related pattern; The Lipstick Index.)

    I have a rule that works with my younger daughter, too. With any shopping trip that she needs to go on, she gets to choose an inexpensive treat at the end, like a special food treat or a little toy. There is one condition to this treat; that she not ask for anything during the shopping trip.

    Yes, this could be seen as bribery. But it’s also a little tradition we’ve created together, and it makes both of us happy, makes her feel comfortable in her own ability to have a voice and a choice, and I don’t end up having to say “NO!” throughout the whole shopping trip. And that alone is worth it.

    When the shopping trip consists of multiple stops, my daughter’s purchase is saved for the last.

    About the author: Author Bio:
    Lasára Allen is an author, educator, advocate, and the creator of Gratitude Games. Her writing covers a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, bipolar disorder, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an educator and advocate, Lasára speaks about living, parenting & working with bipolar disorder, gratitude as a spiritual practice & an opportunity for community & global involvement, grateful parenting & raising grateful children.

    Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally. She began designing Gratigories and other Gratitude Games in 2008. Lasára is a mom to two daughters, and wife to the love of her life. Find out more more at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.
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    Re-Framing Your Family’s Recession Anxiety to Conscious Consumerism

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    Every challenge is an opportunity. The recession is a perfect chance to create a shift in your family’s, and your own, values; a chance to move from want-based, status-based, and impulse spending, to sustainable consumer choices.

    Of course, the first step is to that reframe is in shifting your own thought process. In this article you’ll see that in many cases the eco-conscious, sustainable and the financially sound options are one and the same.

    It’s not always an easy leap to get from habitual, reflexive, pattern spending to more conscious choices. Here are some simple – even if not always easy – steps to get you, and your family, thinking from a more resilient and ecologically sound perspective.

    Reframe Patterns Induced by the Recession to Lessons that Will Last a Lifetime – Or Even Generations.
    To begin with, instead of jumping to the blanket thought or statement, “We can’t afford a new (insert-item-of-the-moment-here)!” address the question – first in yourself and then with your child – “Do we need a new (insert-item-of-the-moment-here)?”

    Need is a complex idea. It may take a while to rebuild and your family’s and your own thoughts, feelings, and ultimately values regarding the question of what constitutes need. It’s not as simple as just need vs. want. There’s a whole spectrum.

    Here are a few things that will help in the process of creating a new valuation of the concept of need in your family structure.

    • Casual conversation with your family about what need really means. Using examples of less consumer-driven cultures can be illustrative.
    • Age-appropriate documentaries of truly impoverished cultures can help a child who is ready for a more global picture to understand the scale between need and want.
    • With younger kids, pictures books, folk tales, and songs can help in redefining values.
    • Remembering that giving is a gift. The fact that you are able to give means that you have abundance to share.
    • Philanthropic acts, couples with conversation, can shift a sense of need to a a value of generosity. (See my article 5 Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving for ideas on how to enact this value and practice.)
    • Volunteering at a local soup kitchen with your kids can bring it home that there’s trouble, right here in River City – but not in your home! (Again, see my article 5 Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving.) It shows that this level of scarcity exists, but that you’re family is safe from it. When my kids say, “There’s nothing to eat!”, it’s time for at least a conversation about what “nothing to eat” means.

    As you educate your kids, it’s healthy, inspiring, and empowering to couple information about poverty and need with stories of positive change. Even more important is introducing ideas for positive change that you and your family can offer to your community and the world.

    Little steps your child can take to help make the world a better place will help to turn fear to hope. Projects even as simple as boxing up a few items and offering them to a local charity can go a long way in allowing your kid awareness, without overwhelm.

    If your kid has an allowance, you may invite them to tithe, to contribute to an organization like Save the Children or Heifer International. Or, you can start a family generosity fund and decide together where to contribute the collected funds on a monthly, quarterly, around holidays, or randomly.

    Consistency in Word and Deed.
    During the holiday season of 2007, I asked my tween-aged daughter to seriously consider her use of the word need.

    She did, and after her time for contemplation we talked about it. We then boxed up lots of unused household items, toys, and gifts, and contributed the haul to a local free-store. As part of a holiday project a women’s group I’m part of had taken on, the daughter and I bought some items for a Christmas package for a local family in need.

    A few days later, I casually used the word need in a conversation with my husband. My daughter overheard it, raised an eyebrow, and said, “Need, mom?” I quickly retracted. She was right. I really only wanted what ever the now-forgotten item was.

     

    The Gratitude Place

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    The Gratitude Place

    Grateful Sacred Heart

    Grateful Sacred Heart

    Gratitude can be a wonderful, large, beautiful part of your living spiritual practice.

    Gratitude offers benefits that range from the physical, to the psychological, to the spiritual, and affects both our inner and outer lives. Gratitude practice, in and of itself, bring us into creative co-creation with our personal reality, our beloved family and friends, the world, and our experience of it all.

    Science tells us that gratitude is a key element to having a healthy heart. And I’m not speaking in metaphor; this is for real! Science has proven that gratitude contributes to the health of your heart, and to your overall sense of joy and well-being

    Gratitude is a value we can instill in our children through modeling and teaching. It can become a foundational aspect of how we build day-to-day life.

    My own deep devotion to gratitude as a spiritual path has lead me to writing about gratitude, and even creating a set of Gratitude Games designed to help joyfully introduce gratitude into your life, and the life of your family and friends. Gratitude Games have caught on like wildfire, and have been given great reviews from professional reviewers, teachers, and individuals – teachers, facilitators, moms, and more – who have played the games with their families, clients, colleagues, and students.

    Enjoy The Gratitude Place as it grows.Visit The Gratitude Journal and share YOUR gratitude with our gratitude community. Visit the Gratitude Quotes page. Add your favorite gratitude quotes in the comments section if they aren’t there yet. And keep you eyes open for what’s coming next!

    May gratitude lead you to the exact life that you desire.

    The Gratitude Journal

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    The Gratitude Journal is a place where you can come to share gratitude with a grateful community. Hosted by Lasára Allen, The Gratitude Place, and Gratitude Games, there’s a lot of gratitude to go around! So leave your gratitude posts in our comments section. To be continually inspired by the comments others leave as well, subscribe to the comments feed! You can do so in the right hand column.

    In gratitude,

    - Lasára and crew

    Mystical, Spiritual, Philosophical, Metaphysical, Inspirational Quotes Compiled by Lasára Allen

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    God is Limitless.

    God is Limitless.

    Enjoy some of my favorite quotes on mysticism, metaphysics, and more:

    A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
    Albert Einstein

    My heart has become capable of every form: it is a pasture for gazelles and a convent for Christian monks,
    And a temple for idols, and the pilgrim’s Ka’ba, and the tables of the Tora and the book of the Koran.
    I follow the religion of Love, whichever way his camels take. My religion and my faith is the true religion.
    We have a pattern in Bishr, the lover of Hind and her sister, and in Qays and Lubna, and in Mayya and Ghaylan.
    Ali Ibn Arabi

    After your death you will be what you were before your birth.
    Arthur Schopenhauer

    All is divine, all is God, and unity is divinity.
    Sathya Sai Baba

    I have said that the soul is not more than  the body.
    And I have said that the body is not more than  the soul,
    And nothing, not God, is greater to one than one’s-self is,
    And whoever walks a furlong without sympathy walks to his own funeral, dressed in his shroud,
    (…)
    And there is no object so soft but it makes a hub for the wheeled universe,
    And any man or woman shall stand cool and supercilious before a million universes.

    And I call to mankind, Be not curious about God.
    For I who am curious about each am not curious about God,
    No array of terms can say how much I am at peace about God and about death.

    Why  should I wish to see God better than this day?
    I see something of God in each hour of twenty-four, and each moment then

    In the faces of men and women I see God, and in my own face in the glass;
    I find letters from God dropped in the street, and every one is signed by God’s name,

    And I leave them where they are, for I know that others will punctually come forever and ever.
    (…)
    I hear and behold God in every object, yet I understand God not in the least,
    Nor do I understand who there can be more wonderful than myself.
    Walt Whitman, Excerpts, Song of Myself

    And above all things, never think that you’re not good enough yourself. A man should never think that. My belief is that in life people will take you at your own reckoning.
    Isaac Asimov

    I do nothing. The Holy Spirit accomplishes all through me.
    William Blake

    If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.
    St. John of the Cross

    In the evening of life, we will be judged on love alone.
    St. John of the Cross

    If you purify your soul of attachment to and desire for things, you will understand them spiritually. If you deny your appetite for them, you will enjoy their truth, understanding what is certain in them.
    St. John of the Cross

    The foremost in religion is the acknowledgement of Him, the perfection of acknowledging Him is to testify Him, the perfection of testifying Him is to believe in His Oneness, the perfection of believing in His Oneness is to regard Him Pure, and the perfection of His purity is to deny Him attributes, because every attribute is a proof that it is different from that to which it is attributed and everything to which something is attributed is different from the attribute. Thus whoever attaches attributes to Allah recognises His like, and who recognises His like regards Him two; and who regards Him two recognises parts for Him; and who recognises parts for Him mistook Him; and who mistook Him pointed at Him; and who pointed at Him admitted limitations for Him; and who admitted limitations for Him numbered Him.
    Whoever said in what is He, held that He is contained; and whoever said on what is He held He is not on something else. He is a Being but not through phenomenon of coming into being. He exists but not from non-existence. He is with everything but not in physical nearness. He is different from everything but not in physical separation. He acts but without connotation of movements and instruments. He sees even when there is none to be looked at from among His creation. He is only One, such that there is none with whom He may keep company or whom He may miss in his absence.
    The oneness of god, according to Ali ibn Abi Talib

    I testify that there is no Deity (God) except the sole and matchless Allah. And (…that) the singleness of Allah is a word that (has been) declared (sincerely as…) reality, and made the hearts the centre of its contact and union. And has made the specifications and research of the oneness of Allah’s station obvious and evident in the light of meditation. The Allah Who can not be seen by the eyes, and tongues are unable and baffled to describe His virtues and attributes. And the intelligence and apprehension of man is helpless and destitute from the imagination of his how-ness.
    Fatima bint Muhammad

    Some of Lasára Allen’s Favorite Gratitude Quotes

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    Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.

    ~ Kahlil Gibran

    You say grace before meals.  All right.  But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink.

    ~ G.K. Chesterton

    If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice.

    ~ Meister Eckhart

    Let us give thanks for this beautiful day. Let us give thanks for this life. Let us give thanks for the water without which life would not be possible. Let us give thanks for Grandmother Earth who protects and nourishes us.

    ~ Lakota Daily Prayer of Gratitude

    As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

    ~ John Fitzgerald Kennedy


    Every moment my heart beats, it is a song; Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah…
    ~ Sheik Bhukari


    For each new morning with its light,
    For rest and shelter of the night,
    For health and
    food, for love and friends,
    For everything Thy goodness sends.

    ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal.  It’s a way to live.

    ~ Jacqueline Winspear

    Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can – there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.

    ~  Sarah Caldwell


    When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears.

    ~ Anthony Robbins


    You don’t get out of life what you want, you get what you expect.

    ~ Neil Sutton.


    If you have lived, take thankfully the past.

    ~ John Dryden


    As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily.  The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.

    ~ Adabella Radici

    The Benefits of Gratitude in Family Life

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    Grateful Child

    Grateful Child

    Practicing gratitude with your children encourages both humility and empowerment. It offers easy recognition of your family’s wealth and abundance – no matter your financial picture – and a desire to share that abundance with the world. This Raising Grateful Children teleclass recording teaches you how to inspire and instill the practice of gratitude in your child, while honoring her or his experience of life.

    Cultivating and nurturing gratitude in our children is the beginning of a journey towards health, well-being, fulfillment, and generosity of spirit.

    Gratitude offers benefits that range from the physical, to the psychological, to the spiritual, and affects both our inner and outer lives. Gratitude practice, in and of itself, bring us into creative co-creation with our day-to-day reality, our family and friends, the world, and colors our experience of all those things. Gratitude-colored glasses make everything look brighter!

    In this look at why making a psychological and spiritual practice of gratitude in your family is such a good idea, we’ll just scratch the surface of some topics. For a deeper look into the pragmatics of the scientific angle, read The Science of Gratitude. For tips on creating more community- and service-based, interactive gratitude practice with your children, read 5 Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving. For ways to bring gratitude, and the practice of it, easily and joyfully into the life of your close community, see How to Host a Gratitude Gathering.

    If you’re ready to delve deeper into the subject matter, you can find all these articles in one package in the Gratitude Games Pro package.

    Physical health benefits of gratitude:

    Gratitude cancels out stress.

    When your kid is facing some kind of trouble at school, or feeling your stress when you’re stuck in traffic, or feeling guilty for having done something they were reprimanded for, just like any of us, they’ll start thinking about all the reasons it’s horrible that they’re in the circumstances they’re in. If they’re anything like my younger daughter, they’re also very likely to begin thinking of all the other times that a similar thing happened.

    Thoughts flock together, “…like birds of a feather,” as my mom says. As your kid starts playing free-association with how bad things are, it’s easy enough for them to start thinking, feeling, or even saying, as kids are known to do, “Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?” The thought cycle in a vicious circle, and your kid is left standing, or sitting, stewing in their own stress, discomfort, or sadness. Often it ends in heartbroken tears.

    All the while, stress chemicals are streaming through your child’s body.

    Now, in some cases stress can be a positive thing. Stress is designed to get us out of emergency situations. Stress makes it possible for us to run faster, jump higher, lift more weight than we normally could, and see more clearly. Acute stress heightens the senses, and our physical capabilities.

    When stress chemicals – which produce what’s known as the “fight or flight response” – are put to use immediately, there’s nothing that can stand in for that jolt of dopamine, adrenaline and noradrenaline, and cortisol – also known as “the stress hormone”. Getting out of mortal danger is the most extreme example. More often, it’s less intense moments that benefit by the stress response; making that last sprint in a race, or when well-prepared, stress can even help you finish a test or an exam in record time, without losing accuracy.

    When prepared to use the process of stress to your advantage, it’s more than helpful; it can be the difference between life and death, success and failure, goal completion or falling short of those goals.

    However, in the case of chronic stress there’s no benefit. Without fail, the negative effects of long-term stress ravage the system. Stress is bad for the heart, anxiety levels, digestion, skin, sleep patterns, and more.

    Most of us are not prepared to put stress to positive use. This is especially true for most children, who are sitting at desks with an abundance of energy that needs to be capped up daily and (ideally) used later. Often this in itself is a stressful situation.

    Add in fight-or-flight, stress chemical inducing, crisis situations like regular pop-testing and exams, school-yard politics, and potential bullying, and you have a very little system on pretty major stress-overload.

    When you notice stress creeping up on your child, you can help him or her gain resilience with many tools including relaxation techniques, positive visualization, and turning their attention towards gratitude. The refocus will allow your child’s system to cancel those stressful responses and turn towards a healthy thought process that leads to empowerment, focus, positivity, resilience, ease, and even joy.

    This refocus is a practice, but the great thing about any practice is it that it gets easier over time. But like playing piano or becoming an athlete, or healing from stress or past trauma, there’s never a “best” – always a “better.” Healing is a process and a path. There is no final destination.

    Gratitude heals the heart.

    Less stress=healthier heart! Stress hormones wear the heart down. Gratitude is proven to stop the production of stress chemicals and to increase the body response that leads to – and is caused by – happiness. Why not choose a happy, healthy circle of emotional thought instead of that “vicious” one I mentioned before?

    Gratitude makes your body “happy”.

    Gratitude is known to increase enthusiasm, alertness, determination, and other happy, positive, empowered feelings. A study conducted with school-age children found that children who are grateful not only make friends more easily, they also have an easier time with academic achievement. Grateful children are happier children. And happier children are more resourceful children. Another study conducted in 2003 found that the regular practice of gratitude increases happiness by 25%.

    Happy feelings lead to happy hormones and chemicals. Happy chemicals lead to a happy physiology. Happy leads to happy, basically. Start where you are, and grow your happiness, bit by bit.

    Gratitude is a proven to be a highly effective way to increase happiness in your life. This fact can be seen as both a physiological and psychological benefit of gratitude, so it’s really a great place to jump to the next category of benefits; psychological benefits.

    Psychological Benefits of Gratitude:

    Gratitude allows us to repattern and reframe what we expect.

    Whatever we pay attention to gets bigger. This is one area where we can absolutely count on a “return on investment.” Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want.” If you think about that statement, you’ll begin understanding why reconditioning what we expect is so important.

    To illustrate this point, think of a search engine like Google. Say you don’t know how a search engine works. You type the first thoughts that come to mind into the search box. Say those thoughts are poverty, war, despair. And you get page after page of hits, all showing how awful the world is.

    This is very much how our thought process works. The thoughts that are the first to arise when we think of things we want, things we need, even things we’ve experienced in the past, we create an expectation of what we’ll find or experience next. One of my mentors says, “We don’t get what we want, we get what we expect.” That’s where the whole praying for something we don’t want analogy comes in. my reverend says, “If you spend five minutes a day praying for what we want, and the rest of our 24 hours in a day worrying we won’t get it, which do you think wins out?”

    Negative in, negative out. We walk through the world predicting what will happen next, and we notice how our experience almost always delivers exactly what we expected to find.

    There’s no big magical “secret” about it; you notice what you’re prepared to notice. If there is any sort of secret, it’s this; the hidden truth is that every moment holds a potentially infinite number of possible outcomes. You will choose the one that allows you to be most right, stay most comfortable in your assumptions, and reliably predict your future experiences. This is often referred to as “staying in your comfort zone.”

    Even when you think you want the opposite of what you keep predicting, expecting, and experiencing, the world delivers it – merely because it’s what you are more prepared to notice. And, noticing that which confirms your expectations makes you – you guessed it – comfortable.

    Birds of a feather flock together; thoughts travel in packs.

    Instead of investing in the possible negative outcome of your fears, gratitude helps you notice the good iny our life. And by noticing the things you’re grateful for – instead of steeling yourself against your fears – you seek, and find, more and more to be grateful for.

    This is not only an amazingly liberating experience for you; it’s also wonderful modeling for your children. Moods are contagious. Habits are contagious. So is gratitude.

    Gratitude may reduce the likelihood of depression.

    Gratitude leads to a happier, healthier life. People who practice gratitude, or to whom gratitude comes naturally, have been found to have larger networks of support, and a more full life.

    One risk is what psychologists call “hedonic adaptation.” Hedonic adaptation is a fancy term that means that we get used to the things that initially excite us. That’s why it’s important to always step-up your practice of gratitude. Just like building a muscle, learning how to play an instrument, or becoming more healthy, there’s always room for a new level of commitment and development.

    The good news about adaptation is that it also happens with negative experiences, like loss, trauma, or any kind of emotional or physical pain. Over time, we get used to the state we’re in. Gratitude can help with the adaptation even more easily. Finding gratitude for the negative experiences we’ve experienced in our lives can speed the process of recovery from any kind of traumatic or painful experience.

    Gratitude is linked with forgiveness, which is linked with healing from emotional scars.

    Forgiveness is a key to recovery from psychological or emotional injury. Forgiveness may occur purely inside of yourself – through therapy, meditation, compassion exercises, prayer, or other practices – or through interaction with the one or ones that have been involved in any wounding you have experienced. The act of forgiving – yourself, as well as anyone else who has hurt you – allows you to grow through, and past, the pain.

    Forgiveness is a great thing to model for your children. As we hold onto hurt, we grow more hurt. Or, to use a quote attributed to the Buddha:

    You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.

    If you move through anger with grace, love, and gratitude, your child will learn to as well.

    Spiritual Benefits of Gratitude:

    Gratitude opens the heart to the good in any situation, and the good in humanity.

    When we begin seeing good in our experience, it’s easy to see it in others, and in their experience. Gratitude can lead to more trusting interactions, which lead to more experiences to be grateful for. It’s the act of noticing the good that already exists that allows the good to flourish in our lives, and in the world.

    As your child sees and experiences gratitude in the home, and in their hearts, just like you they’ll begin finding more and more of it outside.

    Gratitude offers solace in times of tragedy.

    When heartbroken, finding the good in our experience can be a challenge. However, just as gratitude heals the actual tissue of our actual heart, gratitude can heal the metaphorical heart, as well.

    When we find gratitude for a lesson learned, we begin to heal. When we find gratitude for the influence a lost love has had on our lives, we can heal from the loss.

    When your child comes home from school with tears instead of smiles, listen to the pain, but focus also on what was wonderful. Perhaps not about the painful experience just yet – that will come later, perhaps – but the good things that were found around the painful ones. Treat your child’s heartbreak with compassion, and offer them your gratitude for their tender, loving heart.

    Gratitude refocuses your path to the greater good.

    Gratitude grows in the act of spreading, and it’s contagious, just like any state or mood is. When we see how much good there is in our experience, it becomes easy and pleasurable to create more good in the world. As your child grows into a grateful heart their gratitude will spill over as generosity of spirit, a compassionate eye toward the world, and a sense of discernment that will allow them to enact the attributes of a happy soul.

    Resources:

      Easy to understand and comprehensive explanation of stress: http://www.mtstcil.org/skills/stress-definition-1.html
      The science of stress: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catecholamine
      Cortisol and stress, positive and negative: http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/cortisol.htm
      What is cortisol, and stress management: http://stress.about.com/od/stressmanagementglossary/g/Cortisol.htm
      Easy guide to stress that will help kids, teens, and parents learn both positive and negative, and what to do about stress when it becomes chronic: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/stress.html
      Women and stess, including PTSD: http://www.medic8.com/healthguide/articles/stress.html
      Gratitude> stress. (Gratitude cancels stress): http://www.realage.com/the-you-docs/you-being-beautiful/a-few-ways-to-appreciate-and-share-your-gifts
      Emotional contagion: if you smile you feel happy. If you smile, others smile back. And then THEY fell happy, too. Mood and Emotional Contagion: http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Emotional_contagion
      Hedonic adatation: http://www.voxeu.org/index.php?q=node/910
      Quitting smoking is contagious: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/108373.php
      “Are Your Friends Making You Fat?”, NY Times Sunday Magazine: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/magazine/13contagion-t.html
      Heart research, including the neurology of stress -or “the brain of the heart”: www.heartmath.org
      Gratitude and health, theory and scientific basis: www.acfnewsource.org/religion/gratitude_theory.html
      Physical, emotional, spiritual benefits of gratitude, positive psychology, economics and gratitude, gifting and gratitude, spirituality and health, emotional understanding of children, forgiveness, gratefulness – the heart of prayer – Harpham, Aafke Elizabeth Komter, Michael E. McCullough, Solomon Schimmel, Charles M. Shelton, S. J., Brother David Steindl-Rast, O.S.B.: http://www.templeton.org/humble_approach_initiative/Gratitude/

    News About Long-Term Goals – the 2500th Marathon Anniversary in 2011! Race as Platform for Bipolar Advocacy & Education.

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    I just found out the 2011 is the 2500th anniversary of the marathon! This is super cool, as my plan is to run a full marathon for my 40th birthday – in 2011! The fact it’s such a momentous occassion makes my goal that much sweeter. (See more on this soon.)

    My other piece of news is that I have decided that I’d like to use my training as a opportunity to raise awareness about bipolar disorder (bp) and its affects. I’d like to help educate those who don’t have a lot of actual experience with bipolar or people who live with it as to the actual terrain of living with bp. In addition, I want to educate women who live with bipolar disorder (I prefer this wording to “suffer bipolar disorder), as to the helpful affects of exercise, and the process of aging with bipolar disorder.

    You will see much more about all of this very soon, with donation links and sponsorship options all sorted out VERY soon.

    Peace, love, and understanding!

    Host a Gratitude Gathering!

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    Circles of Girls at Solomon's Pools, Bethlehem, PAL

    Photo credit; Khalid Arar Schawabkeh

    How to Host a Gratitude Gathering!

    by Lasára Allen, MPNLP

    1. Choose a date!

    What date makes you want to practice gratitude? You can choose Sunday, and have it be your church. You can choose the new moon, and have it be the beginning of a new cycle. You can choose your birthday, and have it be the way you begin your personal “new year”. Or, you can choose a random day, and proclaim it Gratitude Day!

    You can hold monthly Gratitude Gatherings, or even weekly. You can plan them around holidays. You can start with one, and see how often you want to repeat the experience.

    2. What’s Your Theme?

    What do you want your gratitude fest to include?

    If you want to include a meal, you have a few options. You can offer a meal you prepare. You can make a meal together as part of the party. Or, you can hold a potluck.

    Offering a meal is a lovely gesture, a great gift to offer your loved ones. This is going to be a more contained experience most likely than some of the other options. You will need to know how many people are coming so you can prepare adequately. With a dinner party setting, the gratitude games can easily be the main focus of the event. Or, you can draw some of the elements mentioned below in as well.

    A meal made together is an extraordinary experience of alchemy, transformation. You create together out of raw materials, and you can play the Gratitude Games while you make the meal, investing each element with the intentions of your gratefulness. This is a wonderful, magical way to celebrate your collective wealth, creativity, and abundance.

    A potluck is the easiest if you want to have an open invitation, free-flowing event. The food will be less of a focus, but part of the overall experience of gratitude and collective abundance.

    You can add in a Potlach ceremony – it’s also called a Give-Away. Potlatch comes from the indigenous people of the Pacific Northwest coastline. In a potlatch, you give away your belongings as a celebration of your abundance. In North Western native culture, the potlatch consisted of every household in the community putting belongings outside for the taking. The one who gave the most (as opposed to the family who had the most) gained the highest status.

    In native culture, this ceremony was undertaken for many reasons. All had to do with the redistribution of wealth. Not everyone had material possessions to offer, and some offered dances or songs instead.

    Invite guests to bring belongings, and everyone can give them away, and receive items from the other piles.

    In addition to being an achingly beautiful traditional ceremony, this is a great way to reduce our carbon footprint. A give-away allows us to reduce waste, clean out storage and closets, and saves each participant the money, time, and by-product of a shopping trip, by way of new-to-them belongings.

    The left-over items from your give-away may be given to the charity of your choice. For instance, I recently hosted a give-away, and offered all the left-over items from the party to a rummage sale that benefited extra- curricular activities at the local elementary school. Another time we brought the extra to the local homeless shelter and women’s crisis center in our town. Talk about sharing the wealth!

    You can host a grocery drive as part of your gratitude gathering, and give the food to your local shelter, soup kitchen, or hospice center. You can have a raffle, and give the money you raise to the cause of your choice.

    You can use the fest as an opportunity to educate your community about a community in need, and celebrate your wealth by sharing it!. You can offer information about Grameen, Kiva, and other micro-financing companies. Or choose a few loans beforehand that you want to join in to support, and help someone in a less economically privileged country create a sustainable income.

    Of course, you can play Gratitude Games throughout.

    Gratitude can be implemented in many ways. Bring your gratitude into the world, and make something grand of it.

    3. What friends are you grateful for?

    Who of your friends would most enjoy practicing gratitude with you? Make a list of the friends you want to share your grateful life with, and invite them to your celebration.

    For your consideration: I encourage you to invite your guests via electronic means instead of paper invites, as some things I’m grateful for are a healthy planet, and healthy forests. Less waste, more breath!

    Author Bio:
    Lasára Allen is an author, an educator, and an advocate. Her articles cover a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an advocate, Lasára writes and speaks about living, parenting and working with bipolar disorder. In 2008 she designed GratitudeGames..

    Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally.

    Lasára is mom to two amazing daughters, and wife to Robert Allen, an outstanding man.

    Find more of Lasára’s writing at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and more about Lasára’s gratitude projects at http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.

    The Benefits of Gratitude in Family Life

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    Sol, Lasára, and Ror, 6.14.08The Benefits of Gratitude in Family Life

    Gratitude increases health dramatically on all levels; there are health benefits to gratitude on the physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual levels. It’s been scientifically proven that the regular practice of gratitude can improve your level of overall happiness by 25%!

    Practicing gratitude with your children encourages both humility and empowerment. It offers easy recognition of your family’s wealth and abundance – no matter your financial picture – and a desire to share that abundance with the world. This Raising Grateful Children teleclass recording teaches you how to inspire and instill the practice of gratitude in your child, while honoring her or his experience of life.

    Cultivating and nurturing gratitude in our children is the beginning of a journey towards health, well-being, fulfillment, and generosity of spirit.

    Gratitude offers benefits that range from the physical, to the psychological, to the spiritual, and affects both our inner and outer lives. Gratitude practice, in and of itself, bring us into creative co-creation with our day-to-day reality, our family and friends, the world, and colors our experience of all those things. Gratitude-colored glasses make everything look brighter!

    In this look at why making a psychological and spiritual practice of gratitude in your family is such a good idea, we’ll just scratch the surface of some topics. For a deeper look into the pragmatics of the scientific angle, read The Science of Gratitude. For tips on creating more community- and service-based, interactive gratitude practice with your children, read 5 Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving. For ways to bring gratitude, and the practice of it, easily and joyfully into the life of your close community, see How to Host a Gratitude Gathering.

    If you’re ready to delve deeper into the subject matter, you can find all these articles in one package in the Gratitude Games Pro package.

    Physical health benefits of gratitude:

    Gratitude cancels out stress.

    When your kid is facing some kind of trouble at school, or feeling your stress when you’re stuck in traffic, or feeling guilty for having done something they were reprimanded for, just like any of us, they’ll start thinking about all the reasons it’s horrible that they’re in the circumstances they’re in. If they’re anything like my younger daughter, they’re also very likely to begin thinking of all the other times that a similar thing happened.

    Thoughts flock together, “…like birds of a feather,” as my mom says. As your kid starts playing free-association with how bad things are, it’s easy enough for them to start thinking, feeling, or even saying, as kids are known to do, “Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?” The thought cycle in a vicious circle, and your kid is left standing, or sitting, stewing in their own stress, discomfort, or sadness. Often it ends in heartbroken tears.

    All the while, stress chemicals are streaming through your child’s body. Now, in some cases stress can be a positive thing. Stress is designed to get us out of emergency situations. Stress makes it possible for us to run faster, jump higher, lift more weight than we normally could, see more clearly. Acute stress can heighten the senses, and our physical capabilities.

    When stress chemicals – which produce what’s known as the “fight or flight response” – are put to use immediately, there’s nothing that can stand in for that jolt of dopamine, adrenaline, and noradrenaline, and cortisol – also known as “the stress hormone”. Getting out of mortal danger is the most extreme example. More often, it’s less intense moments that benefit by the stress response; making that last sprint in a race, or even (when well-prepared) stress can help you finish a test or an exam in record time, without losing accuracy. When prepared to use the process of stress to your advantage, it’s more than helpful; it can be the difference between life and death, success and failure, goal completion or falling short of those goals.

    However, in the case of chronic stress there’s no benefit. Without fail, the negative effects of long-term stress ravage the system. Stress bad for the heart, anxiety levels, digestion, skin, sleep patterns, and more.

    Most of us are not prepared to put stress to positive use. This is especially true for most children, who are sitting at desks with an abundance of energy that needs to be capped up daily and (ideally) used later. Often this in itself is a stressful situation. Add in the fight-or-flight stress chemicals crisis situations like regular pop-testing and exams, school-yard politics, and potential bullying produce, and you have a very little system on pretty major stress-overload.

    When you notice stress creeping up on your child, you can help him or her gain resilience with many tools including relaxation techniques, positive visualization, and turning their attention towards gratitude. The refocus will allow your child’s system to cancel those stressful responses and turn towards a healthy thought process that leads to empowerment, focus, positivity, resilience, ease, and even joy.

    This refocus is a practice, but the great thing about any practice is it that it gets easier over time. But like playing piano or becoming an athlete, or healing from stress or past trauma, there’s never a “best” – always a “better.” Healing is a process and a path. There is no final destination.

    Gratitude heals the heart.

    Less stress=healthier heart! Stress hormones wear the heart down. Gratitude is proven to stop the production of stress chemicals and to increase the body response that leads to – and is caused by – happiness. Why not choose a happy, healthy circle of emotional thought instead of that “vicious” one I mentioned before?

    Gratitude makes your body “happy”.

    Gratitude is known to increase enthusiasm, alertness, determination, and other happy, positive, empowered feelings. Happy feelings lead to happy hormones and chemicals. Happy chemicals lead to a happy physiology. Happy leads to happy, basically. Start where you are, and grow your happiness, bit by bit.

    Gratitude is a highly effective way to increase the happiness in your life. In fact, a study conducted in 2003 found that the regular practice of gratitude increases happiness by 25%. This fact can be seen as both a physiological and psychological benefit of gratitude, so it’s really a great place to jump to the next category of benfits; psychological benefits.

    Psychological Benefits of Gratitude:

    Gratitude allows us to repattern what we expect.

    Whatever we pay attention to gets bigger. This is one area where we can absolutely count on a “return on investment.” Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want.” If you think about that statement, you will begin understanding why reconditioning what we expect is so important.

    To illustrate this point, think of a search engine like Google. Say you don’t know how a search engine works. You type the first thoughts that come to mind into the search box. Say those thoughts are poverty, war, despair. And you get page after page of hits, all showing how awful the world is.

    This is very much how our thought process works. The thoughts that are the first to arise when we think of things we want, things we need, even things we’ve experienced in the past, we create an expectation of what we’ll find or experience next. One of my mentors says, “We don’t get what we want, we get what we expect.” That’s where the whole praying for something we don’t want analogy comes in. my reverend says, “If you spend five minutes a day praying for what we want, and the rest of our 24 hours in a day worrying we won’t get it, which do you think wins out?”

    Negative in, negative out. We walk through the world predicting what will happen next, and we notice how our experience almost always delivers exactly what we expected to find.

    There’s no big magical “secret” about it; you notice what you’re prepared to notice. If there is any sort of secret, it’s this; the hidden truth is that every moment holds a potentially infinite number of possible outcomes. You wil choose the one that allows you to be most right, stay most comfortable in your assumptions, and reliably predict your future experiences. This is often referred to as “staying in your comfort zone.”

    Even when you think you want the opposite of what you keep predicting, expecting, and experiencing, the world delivers it – merely because it’s what you are more prepared to notice. And, noticing that which confirms your expectations makes you – you guessed it – comfortable.

    Birds of a feather flock together; thoughts travel in packs.

    Instead of investing in the possible negative outcome of your fears, gratitude helps you notice the good iny our life. And by noticing the things you’re grateful for – instead of steeling yourself against your fears – you seek, and find, more and more to be grateful for.

    This is not only an amazingly liberating experience for you; it’s also wonderful modeling for your children. Moods are contagious. Habits are contagious. So is gratitude.

    Gratitude may reduce the likelihood of depression.

    Gratitude leads to a happier, healthier life. People who practice gratitude, or to whom gratitude comes naturally, have been found to have larger networks of support, and a more full life.

    One risk is what psychologists call “hedonic adaptation.” Hedonic adaptation is a fancy term that means that we get used to the things that initially excite us. That’s why it’s important to always step-up your practice of gratitde. Just like building a muscle, learning how to play an instrument, or becoming more healthy, there’s always room for a new level of commitment and development.

    The good news about adaptation is that it also happens with negative experiences, like loss, trauma, or any kind of emotional or physical pain. Over time, we get used to the state we’re in. Gratitude can help with the adaptation even more easily. Finding gratitude for the negative experiences we’ve experienced in our lives can speed the process of recovery from any kind of traumatic or painful experience.

    Gratitude is linked with forgiveness, which is linked with healing from emotional scars.

    Forgiveness is a key to recovery from psychological or emotional injury. Forgiveness may occur purely inside of yourself – through therapy, meditation, compassion exercises, prayer, or other practices – or through interaction with the one or ones that have been involved in any wounding you have experienced. The act of forgiving – yourself, as well as anyone else who has hurt you – allows you to grow through, and past, the pain.

    Spiritual Benefits of Gratitude:

    Gratitude opens the heart to the good in any situation, and the good in humanity.

    When we begin seeing good in our experience, it’s easy to see it in others, and in their experience. Gratitude can lead to more trusting interactions, which lead to more experiences to be grateful for. It’s the act of noticing the good that already exists that allows the good to flourish in our lives, and in the world.

    Gratitude offers solace in times of tragedy.

    When heartbroken, finding the good in our experience can be a challenge. However, just as gratitude heals the actual tissue of our actual heart, gratitude can also heal the metaphorical heart, as well.

    When we find gratitude for a lesson learned, we begin to heal. When we find gratitude for the influence a lost love has had on our lives, we can heal from the loss.

    Gratitude refocuses your path to the greater good.

    Gratitude grows in the act of spreading, and it’s contagious, just like any state, or mood is. When we see how much good there is in our experience, it becomes easy and pleasurable to create more good in the world.

    Resources:

    Easy to understand and comprehensive explanation of stress: http://www.mtstcil.org/skills/stress-definition-1.html
    The science of stress: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catecholamine
    Cortisol and stress, positive and negative: http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/cortisol.htm
    What is cortisol, and stress management: http://stress.about.com/od/stressmanagementglossary/g/Cortisol.htm
    Easy guide to stress that will help kids, teens, and parents learn both positive and negative, and what to do about stress when it becomes chronic: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/stress.html
    Women and stess, including PTSD: http://www.medic8.com/healthguide/articles/stress.html
    Gratitude> stress. (Gratitude cancels stress): http://www.realage.com/the-you-docs/you-being-beautiful/a-few-ways-to-appreciate-and-share-your-gifts
    Emotional contagion: if you smile you feel happy. If you smile, others smile back. And then THEY fell happy, too. Mood and Emotional Contagion: http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Emotional_contagion
    Hedonic adatation: http://www.voxeu.org/index.php?q=node/910
    Quitting smoking is contagious: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/108373.php
    “Are Your Friends Making You Fat?”, NY Times Sunday Magazne: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/13/magazine/13contagion-t.html
    Heart research, including the neurology of stress -or “the brain of the heart”: www.heartmath.org
    Gratitude and health, theory and scientific basis: www.acfnewsource.org/religion/gratitude_theory.html
    Physical, emotional, spiritual benefits of gratitude, positive psychology, economics and gratitude, gifting and gratitude, spirituality and health, emotional understanding of children, forgiveness, greatfulness – the heart of prayer – Harpham, Aafke Elizabeth Komter, Michael E. McCullough, Solomon Schimmel, Charles M. Shelton, S. J., Brother David Steindl-Rast, O.S.B.: http://www.templeton.org/humble_approach_initiative/Gratitude/

    Five Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving

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    Offering.When funds are tight, giving reminds us of how much we have, and how fortunate we are.

    While coming face-to-face with money problems can be a challenging experience, being able to do something about it is a saving grace. Especially for children, a sense of empowerment is a key factor to viewing the global situation of “have and have-not” with compassion instead of fear.

    The power to create solutions, even in small ways, is both a learning opportunity, and a healing act that serves both giver and receiver. Generosity is a balm that soothes the soul.

    With our nation in the grasp of some hard financial times, many of us are holding back on the consumptive aspect of our former lifestyles.

    What better way than giving, to remind us what we’ve got?

    1. Cull/weed household belongings and take them to the local shelter, women’s center, or philanthropic thrift store.
    An easy starting point to cultivating generosity in your family is to cull or weed your belongings. While you get rid of household items, suggest that your kids do the same with their things. Have them decide what they’re willing to part with to help a kid in need.

    Call your local shelter and see what they need, and what they’re willing to take. If you’re flush you can throw in some new items like toiletries and such. The shelter will be grateful.

    Al Arroub Camp, West Bank, Palestine.

    Boys Playing with Supply Dolly, Al Arroub Refugee Camp, West Bank, Palestine.

    If your kids are ready for the experience, they may want to participate in the delivery of items, too. When my older daughter was 11, she asked me to bring her with me on a drop off.

    We took our piles of clothes and toys to a local “free store” for struggling and homeless families. She still talks about how rewarding it felt to participate in the gifting. I’m sure it will be a memory she holds for life.

    2. Host a Potlatch and take all leftover items to the charity or service of your choice.
    The potlatch ceremony is also called a give-away. Potlatch comes from the indigenous people of the Pacific Northwest coastline. In a potlatch, you give away your belongings as a celebration of your abundance.

    In north-western native culture, the potlatch consisted of every home in the village putting belongings outside for the taking. The one who GAVE the most, as opposed to the family who had the most, gained the highest status in the community.

    In native culture, this ceremony was undertaken for many reasons. All of them had to do with the redistribution of wealth. Wealth was not only measured in belongings, though. Not everyone in the community had material possessions to offer, and some offered dances or songs instead. These offerings were just as valued.

    Invite your friends to bring belongings to offer, and to take what they need from what others are giving away.

    In addition to being an achingly beautiful traditional ceremony, this is a great way to reduce your carbon footprint. A give-away is a way to reduce waste, clean out storage and closets, and it saves each participant the money, time, and by-product of a shopping trip, by way of new-to-them belongings.

    At the end of the potlatch, invite your friends to leave all extra items, and take them to your local shelter or favorite charity.

    3. Help your kid come up with ways to help humanity.
    Food drives, clothing drives, penny drives, quilt drives, coat drives, and more. There are so many ways to help. What are some creative ways your child can come up with to gather resources together and offer them to those less fortunate?

    For maximum impact on your kids’ sense of service, allow them to offer ideas, and do your best to support them. The more empowered your kid is to participate in grateful giving, the more organic and integrated the experience becomes.

    One year my older daughter decided to bring her change jar – a huge pickle jar with a good start on coins – to her classroom for a change drive. Start to finish, it was completely her idea.

    She wasn’t sure where the coins would go once the jar was full. With a little encouragement from me, she decided that her classmates will all bring suggestions of different local charities or services, and the class as a whole will decide together where the money will go.

    I suggested that she choose the parameters; local, national, international? And other guidelines; a charity, a service, a fund? Buy items with the money and give them directly to the shelter? There are so many options.

    The by-product of this course of action was that my daughter and her classmates researched the local charities and services, and learned about the network of support that they could plug into to offer service.

    4. Offer service at your local soup kitchen.
    Our local soup kitchen offers a family lunch service before the general lunch. While the general service might be a little risky to take kids to, the family meal is a great way for kids to put a face on those they’re helping.

    Ask the kitchen if you can bring a dish, or home made cookies or something easy. Your child’s sense of accomplishment and generosity will be even larger if they’ve had a hand in creating the food they’re offering out.

    New recreation center in Arroub Refugee Camp, West Bank, Palestine, 2009. All Funding from International Donors.

    New recreation center in Arroub Refugee Camp, West Bank, Palestine, 2009. All Funding from International Donors.

    5. Want to make it international, yet very personal? Microfinancing is a great option!
    Microfinancing is a great way to involve your family in the international picture of wealth distribution, resources, and generosity. Getting into microfinancing is a great opportunity to talk to your kids about currencies, and how an American dollar goes a lot farther in a third-world country.

    It’s also a great opportunity to illustrate the dire financial conditions in other countries, while still illustrating the fact that we are not powerless to create change.

    Your family is unlikely to be able to fund an ecologically sound start-up for a poverty stricken American family. But, for example, $150 goes a long way in the Philippines. The listing below is from Kiva.org:

    “Vicenta Duron is 52 years old … She tills a small parcel of land, which she inherited from her father. Her life is in farming and she loves growing crops, especially rice. …Vicenta needs a loan of $125 to purchase sacks of certified seed and fertilizers. She also plans to open a store where she can sell her farm produce, and increase her profits to support her family.”
    -Kiva.org loan request

    Kiva.org is designed so you can choose the project you most want to fund. And, you can make a loan of any amount and contribute to a larger fund, or choose a smaller one and make the whole loan yourselves.

    For information on other microfinancing options, check out www.microfinancegateway.org.

    Supplements I’m Starting With.

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    Robert (the Mr.) just went out to meet the fedEx guy…I thought it was the Mr’s second cashmere sweater (wine colored v-neck! First was a black, double weight), a late delivery from Santa…

    But he comes back in and says, “It’s a box of macho.” I was like, “What?” He says “It’s a box of macho for you.” I look up and it’s this big box of my new training supplements. (Chuckle!) YAY!!! New supplements. :-)

    The “box of macho” coment I’m pretty sure was due to the big old
    “BODY
    BUILDING.COM    ”
    logo all over the box. :-) (BTW, I HIGHLY recommend this site. It has a section for tracking your progress and building community support, and and the store has the best rates I’ve found for supplementation.)

    Ah, feels like the old days. I never went pro with body building, but this race is inspiring me to some good, happy reminders of my youth. But I’m telling you, even at (only) 38, taking something like this (my half-marathon in April) on is a big deal. And the supplements are going to help. A lot. I hope.

    One more supplement possibly needed: glucosamine for my joints. Although, I’ve done research also on increasing collagen production, also really good for the joints, tendons, ligaments AND skin elasticity (a major “mom” concern, as well as age and hormonal changes in women). The research I’ve found says Vit C + lysine is the best combo to allow your body to naturally synthesize collagen.

    The supplements I’m starting with:

    Glutamine helps with recovery, and is an easy energy source. It’s actually a really amazing amino acid.

    Creatine helps endurance and muscle gain.

    Chromium picolinate can be a weight loss aid and/or an “ergogenic” – cool word, huh? It means it helps with mental focus and physical tasks.

    Know what’s fun? Learning all this stuff again. I love it. :-)

    Lasára’s Progress Page – Races, Competitions, Goals Long- and Short-Term

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    We can do it!This is my training updates page. And here’s the beginning of my training story:

    Update, day two of training: Running with Elk

    Completed the scheduled three miles! I had my appendectomy just over a month ago – and haven’t run in well over a month. Even before the appendectomy, I had fallen off the running wagon for a few weeks.

    Today I took my run in the cold rain. (Not cold at all after the first half mile, though!) Something super cool that I just learned form my new favorite magazine, Runner’s World came in handy; chocolate milk is apparently the best after run drink – better than those sports drinks. Mmmm, hot cocoa after a wet run! And then a bath. Nice.

    An added bonus from my lovely country home; on my run this evening, I saw seven elk. The largest had a 7-prong rack, the smallest two. They ran with me. Stopped when I stopped. Ran when I ran. We stared at each other. Eye contact with animals that huge is cool.

    So I looked up the elk Totemic meaning here and here. Some relevant bits:

    Elk are seldom seen alone, preferring to live in large herds. (I prefer to train with large herds!) This does not mean they don’t need some personal space. (I love running by myself, too.) An elk’s incredible stamina enables them to run for long periods of time, while their strong reflexes allow them quick response to anything in their path. Elk’s regal demeanor reminds us that if we are confident, we can claim our Empowerment. It teaches us to maintain and protect ourselves by taking time out. Elk realizes it is important to remain closely connected with community, and be observant of subtle energies.
    -AnimalTotem.com

    Stamina, Strength, Nobility. An Elk totem teaches you how to pace yourself.
You might not be the first to arrive,
but you will arrive without burning out.
Don’t try for quick and easy;
long and steady is the key to reaching your goals. If you have an Elk totem, you will feel the need for companionship
or group support.   You do not have to do everything alone,
help is out there waiting for you if you just ask for it.
    -LindsDomain.com

    Some excellent medicine for the beginning of training for my race! Thank you, elk!

    Artwork courtesy of Jim Stuart (copyrighted)

    ***

    Now that the elk have made themselves known as the guardians of this training and race experience, I am sure I can do it. I only have to pay attention to my body, keep it slow and steady, and share with my community. That’s YOU!

    Come here to check out my (ideally daily) training reports in the comments area. Some will have stories lie this one, some will be very grounded in the physical, like weigh-ins, measurements, and half marathon and full marathon training program adherence reports.
    Are you also training? Feel free to post your progress reports. It’s always more fun with a group – the more the merrier!

    If any thing is sacred the human body is sacred.
    Walt Whitman

    A Bodhisattva Meditation for Cultivating Loving Compassion for the Self

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    blue lotus buddha

    A Bodhisattva Meditation for Cultivating Loving Compassion for the Self

    by Lasára Allen, www.lasaraallen.com

    Gate gate, para gate, parasam gate, bodhi svaha.

    The one responsibility of the bodhisattva is to not cause suffering.

    The one commitment of the bodhisattva is to love all beings pervading space and time, regardless of any beings ability to return, or even receive, that love.

    We’ve all been in situations where we have offered love to someone unwilling to return that love – for instance, we still love our child, even when in the a rage of differentiation she yells, “I hate you, Mom!”. We often call this unconditional love.

    Those of you who have made a practice of cultivating compassion have probably intentionally cultivated love for someone who has withdrawn their love, or someone who doesn’t agree with out beliefs or lifestyle, and therefore, at least on a hypothetical level, does not want your love. These maybe political or historical figures. Or they may be estranged family.

    My largest break through in the depth and breadth of this commitment was when I realized that *I* was one of those beings pervading time and space, that deserved the love of my bodhisattva self, even when I was incapable of returning, or even receiving that love.

    That it was the responsibility of my awakened self to address suffering, and the root of suffering, in my own life. It was my commitment, in my awakened heart, to cultivate loving compassion for my “imperfect” self – the one that was attaching to, and therefore being the cause of, my own suffering.

    Sound tricky? Well, it is, and it isn’t.

    This is a great practice for days when your heart feels stuck or bruised, you’re feeling a lack of self-love, or are feeling unable to forgive yourself for some past or present participation in the creation of suffering; that of yourself or another.

    The ironic part of holding on to the guilt of being a cause of suffering, is that we continue to cause suffering through our attachment to the guilt!

    It is not the negative emotion that causes the suffering. Nor is it the act that caused the suffering itself – whatever that act may be – that causes the suffering. The attachment to the suffering, in any form, is the root of the cause of suffering.

    Truly, attachment to joy or pleasure, or any emotional state, is the root of the cause of suffering, but addressing that is a practice for another essay.

    The way I’ve come to see it, the true work of the bodhisattva is to release ourselves from suffering, and the attachment to suffering. To engender the attitudes of enlightenment, and slowly, overtime, become proficient; and to do this work for the benefit of all beings.

    Here’s the practice, in three easy (or sometimes, not so easy) parts.

    Part I: Two Ways of Generating Pure, Compassionate Love

    1. Commit to the thought of not being the cause of suffering to yourself, or others. Release attachment to any suffering that has been caused in the past, by you or any being, or may be caused in the future. Release attachment to suffering itself.

    a. Commit to pure, compassionate love for all beings pervading time and space. Start generating this love by feeling it in your body, if possible, and then growing that love with each breath.

    b. Some times this approach may be out of reach, so instead, imagine some being you love easily – your child, your pet, your beloved, your best friend – enveloped in a soft, glowing bubble of your compassionate love for them. Breath by breath, grow this love until it fills your whole sense of time and space.

    Part II: Recognize That You Are a Being That Deserves Your Love, Whether You Can Return, Or Even Accept, That Love.

    1. Once you’ve filled all of time and space with your love, recognize that you are a being already released from suffering. That you are enveloped in your own pure, compassionate love. And in being filled and surrounded by your compassion, you are surrounded by the impartial, unconditional, compassionate love of all time and space.

    There is no separation between You – the bodhisattva, that awakened being generating this love – and you, the self sitting and being held in it, regardless of your ability to return, or receive, that pure love. That love unattached to anything you think you have been, or think you may be. Anything you think you have done, or think you will do.

    2. Allow that pure compassion, unattached to any outcome or past experience, to hold you securely in the awareness that you are already fully present. Fully perfect. Fully awake. Fully free from suffering, and the attachment to suffering.

    Part III: Release Attachment to the Practice Itself

    1. Stay in this state for as long as you are able, without clinging to it. Attachment to joy, pleasure, or comfort are also the root of suffering. Be present, not attached.

    2. If you lose your way in the practice, return to the place in the practice where you became distracted. Perhaps there is some work there to move through. Or, perhaps you just got distracted. Or, perhaps there is a part of you that’s unwilling to receive that love that is being generated. Don’t attach! Move fluidly to the points of the exercise that are within reach, and continue working towards compassionate love for all beings.

    3. If tears come, let them come. And let them go. If laughter comes, let it come, and let it go. If euphoria comes, let is also go. If pain comes, let it arise, and release. Let yourself be exactly as you are, exactly where you are. Cultivate compassion for every emotion that arises, and then release it.

    4. Don’t forget to breathe.

    May this act, and all acts, be dedicated to the liberation and awakening of all beings. Bodhi svaha.

    I dedicate these works, and all works, to the unfolding of awareness. May this act serve me, as it serves all beings, through the revelation of awareness. May my increasing awakening to presence serve to bring awareness of presence to all beings throughout space and time. So it is.

    The Bodhisattva Vow

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    OM TARE TUTARE TURE MAMA AYURPUNYE JNANA PUTIN KURU SVAHA.

    bodhisattva, definition;
    n. Buddhism
    An enlightened being who, out of compassion, forgoes nirvana in order to save others.
    [Sanskrit bodhisattvaḥ, one whose essence is enlightenment : bodhiḥ, perfect knowledge + sattvam, essence, being (from sat-, existing).]
    - Answers.com

    This Page Offers A Sampling of Many Ways of Engaging with the Vow of the Bodhisattva and Quotes on Generating Bodhicitta

    Om Tare tutare ture svaha.

    Translations of the vow vary, and so do modes of application. By reading about many you will learn whether the vow resonates with you, and if it does what ways you will find for engaging with or applying the vow of the Bodhisattva.

    My own interpretation of the deeper vows of dedication to an enacting of the Bodhisattva vow on a very basic level is this:

    The one responsibility of the bodhisattva is to not cause suffering.

    The one commitment of the bodhisattva is to love all beings pervading space and time, regardless of any beings ability to return, or even receive, that love.

    My own interpretation of the basic four-fold vow of the Bodhisattva:

    Beings are without number; I vow to be one.
    Suffering is inexhaustible; I vow to extinguish it.
    Paths to enlightenment are innumerable. I vow to walk them all.
    Enlightenment is not a goal. I vow to achieve it.

    And more traditional interpretation, also by me:

    Sentient beings are numberless; through my practice I vow to liberate them.
    The veils of illusions arise again and again; I vow to penetrate them.
    Paths to enlightenment are without number; I vow to walk them all.
    Enlightenment is not a goal; I vow to achieve it.

    And one more offering, my interpretation of part of the longer vow written in Tibetan script as part of the tattoo on my chest. (Yes, I do have the vow indelibly inked on my skin as a reminder of my spiritual purpose!)

    Just as the enlightened beings
    Who have gone before me
    Generated the mind of enlightenment
    And accomplished all the stages
    Of the Bodhisattva training,
    So will I too, for the sake of all beings,
    Practice the work of attainment
    And over time
    Become proficient.
    Svaha.

    Below this point is mostly quotation from other sources, starting with some links I love:

    Bodhisattva Vows by Taitaku Pat Phelan

    What is Bodhisattva?

    The Bodhisattva Vow

    Taking the Bodhisattva Vow

    A very fine example of a Bodhisattva vow is found at the very end of the Avatamsaka Sutra by Samantabhadra. In Shantideva‘s Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life, the Bodhisattva vow is taken with the following famous two verses from Sutra:

    “ Just as all the previous Sugatas, the Buddhas/Generated the mind of enlightenment/And accomplished all the stages/Of the Bodhisattva training,/So will I too, for the sake of all beings,/Generate the mind of enlightenment/And accomplish all the stages/Of the Bodhisattva training.[3] ”

    Berzin (1997: unpaginated) links the mindstream to the bodhisattva vows:

    The promise to keep bodhisattva vows applies not only to this life, but to each subsequent lifetime until enlightenment. Thus these vows continue on our mind-stream into future lives.[4]

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bodhisattva_vows#Taking_the_Bodhisattva_vow

    Four Trainings for Bodhichitta Resolve Not to Decline in This Life

    (1) Each day and night, recalling the advantages of the bodhichitta motivation. Just as we readily overcome our tiredness and tap our energies when we need to attend to our children, we easily surmount all difficulties and use all our potentials when our primary motivation in life is bodhichitta.

    (2) Reaffirming and strengthening this motivation by rededicating our hearts to enlightenment and others three times each day and three times each night.

    (3) Striving to strengthen enlightenment-building networks of positive force and deep awareness (collections of merit and insight). In other words, helping others as effectively as we can, and doing so with as much deep awareness of reality as possible.

    [See: The Two Enlightenment-Building Networks (The Two Collections).]

    (4) Never giving up trying to help anyone, or at least wishing to be able to do so, no matter how difficult he or she may be.

    http://www.berzinarchives.com/web/en/archives/practice_material/vows/bodhisattva/actions_train_aspiring_bodhichitta.html

    We will now speak about the benefits of the bodhisattva vow. In the sutrayana teachings, there are 230 benefits talked about by the Budha. We will condense these and explain them in four points.

    The first benefit of having obtained the bodhisattva vow is that through the practice of bodhicitta, we will learn how to remove suffering and obtain happiness. We will come to recognize that the root of all happiness is bodhicitta.

    Secondly, having developed bodhicitta, not only do we experience our own happiness that is free from suffering, but with the bodhisattva vow, we are able to benefit others by giving happiness and removing suffering. For example, a long time ago Buddha Shakyamuni turned the wheel of Dharma in India in a place known as Bodh Gaya. Because the Buddha turned the wheel of the Dharma and revealed the teachings, they spread to many other countries where people practiced them and achieved the complete realization of Buddhahood, the experience of ultimate happiness free from suffering. How did all those beings obtain Buddhahood? They did this by following the instruction of Shakyamuni Buddha. How did Shakyamuni Buddha himself obtain the level of the ultimate experience of happiness? In the very beginning he developed what is known as bodhicitta. Through the development and perfection of bodhicitta, the Buddha was able to benefit limitless beings.

    *

    When we begin to develop the altruistic attitude of bodhicitta, it may seem to be quite limited, as a very small number of such thoughts arise in our mind, and we think this really cannot help anybody. However, in the long run, as bodhicitta develops, we become more familiar with it and realize that this buddha activity is the source of all happiness, and the method to remove suffering and benefit uncountable beings.

    The third benefit of obtaining the bodhisattva vow and developing bodhicitta is that since we all have our greatest enemy within ourselves, the conflicting emotions, through which we experience endless suffering, it is bodhicitta that gives us the strength to overcome these conflicting emotions. Bodhicitta is like a sword that cuts through all suffering .

    The fourth benefit of developing pure bodhicitta is that it is the root of obtaining ultimate happiness for self and others. If it is not pure, we can not experience happiness, nor can we teach others to experience happiness. Bodhicitta is like a precious, wish-fulfilling jewel.

    This teaching was given by the Venerable Thrangu Rinpoche at Karma Triyana Dharmachakra on November 9, 1985. It was translated by Chojor Radha.

    http://www.kagyu.org/kagyulineage/buddhism/tra/tra06.php

    The passions of delusion are inexhaustible.
    I vow to extinguish them all at once.

    The number of beings is endless. I vow to help save them all.

    The Truth cannot be told. I vow to tell it.

    The Way which cannot be followed is unattainable. I vow to attain it.
    http://www.katinkahesselink.net/tibet/bodhisatva.htm

    Corollaries or Vows that Follow from the Bodhisattva Vow:

    We pledge to AVOID:

    1. Praising yourself and belittling others because of your attachment to receiving offerings, being respected and venerated as a teacher, and gaining profit in general.

    2. Not giving material aid or teaching the Dharma to those who are pained with suffering and without a protector because of your being under the influence of miserliness and wanting to amass knowledge for yourself alone.

    3. Not listening to someone who has previously offended you but who declares his offense and begs forgiveness, and holding a grudge against him.

    4. Condemning the teachings of the Buddha and teaching distorted views.

    5. Taking offerings to the Three Jewels of Refuge for yourself by such means as stealth, robbery or devious schemes.

    6. Despising the Tripitaka and saying these texts are not the teaching of the Buddha.

    7. Evicting monks from a monastery or casting them out of the Sangha even if they have broken their vows, because of not forgiving them.

    8. Committing any of the five heinous crimes of killing your mother, your father, an Arhat, drawing blood intentionally from a Buddha or causing a division in the Sangha by supporting and spreading sectarian views.

    9. Holding views contrary to the teachings of the Buddha such as sectarianism, disbelief in the Three Jewels of Refuge, the law of cause and effect, and so forth.

    10. Completely destroying any place by means of fire, bombs, pollution and black magic.

    11. Teaching Sunyata to those who are not ready to understand it.

    12. Turning people away from working for the full enlightenment of Buddhahood and encouraging them to work merely for their own liberation from suffering.

    13. Encouraging people to abandon their vowed rules of moral conduct.

    14. Causing others to hold the distorted views you might hold about the Hinayana teachings, as well as belittling the Hinayana teachings and saying that their practice does not lead to Nirvana.

    15. Practising, supporting or teaching the Dharma for financial profit and fame while saying your motives are pure and that others are pursuing Dharma for such base aims.

    16. Telling others, even though you may have very little or no understanding of Sunyata, that if they obtain as profound an understanding as you have, that then they will become as great and as highly realized as you are.

    17. Taking gifts from others and encouraging others to give you things originally intended as offerings to the Three Jewels of Refuge.

    18. Taking anything away from those monks who are practicing meditation and giving it to those who are merely reciting texts.

    ~ from The Complete Six-Session Guru-Yoga Primer,
    courtesy K. McD.

    http://www.khandro.net/Bud_bodhisattva_vow.htm

    37.

    It is the practice of bodhisattvas
    To dedicate the merit accomplished through their efforts
    By means of completely pure insight
    Free of concepts of giver, receiver, and gift
    In order to clear away the suffering of sentient beings.

    http://www.khandro.net/Bud_bodhisattva_vow.htm

    Gate Gate Paragate Para Sam Gate Bodhi Svaha

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    Thanks and credit for this page to: Tom Barrett and www.interluderetreat.com Mantra Mystery
    GATE GATE PARA GATE PARASAMGATE BODHI SVAHA!Mantra of the Prajna Paramita (Hint: Gate is pronounced like “gah-tay”)

    The mantra of the Prajna Paramita is found at the end of a brief, but classic Buddhist scripture, The Heart of the Prajna Paramita Sutra, often called The Heart Sutra or The Great Heart of Wisdom Sutra. ‘Prajna’ means ‘wisdom.’ ‘Paramita’ means a crossing over, or going beyond. The last verse of the sutra goes like this:

    “Therefore, Prajna Paramita is know as the most divine mantra,
    the great enlightening mantra,
    the utmost mantra,
    the incomparable mantra,
    destroyer of all suffering!
    Since what is true is not in vain,
    listen to the mantra of the Prajna Paramita– it goes like this: GATE GATE PARA GATE PARASAM GATE BODHI SVAHA!”

    Years ago we wrote down a translation of this mantra on an index card and have kept it in a special place. That translation was:

    “Going, going, going on beyond, always going on beyond, always becoming Buddha.”

    This seems a marvelous thought. It suggests movement toward awakening. It expresses the enlightenment of a buddha as an unfolding process, rather than a steady state. It puts us in the hopeful position of one who may not have arrived, but who may be on the way. The destination may not be an end, but the trip itself.

    As appealing as this translation is, it is by no means the only one. When you do an Internet search for the terms “Heart Sutra” or “Prajna Paramita” you get numerous references. At these various pages you will find several different translations of the mantra. These include:

    • Gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond. Oh what an awakening! All hail!
    • Gone, gone, gone beyond altogether beyond, Awakening, fulfilled!
    • Gone, gone, gone to the Other Shore, attained the Other Shore having never left.
    • Gone, gone, totally gone, totally completely gone, enlightened, so be it.
    • “Oh, you have done! You have done! You have completely crossed the margin. This is Enlightenment! Congratulations!”

    You will also find the point of view that the mantra is essentially untranslatable. Untranslatable does not mean meaningless, so how can one approach the meaning? We are most fortunate to have access to varying translations of this powerful phrase. Like a detective we can view the pieces, recognize the commonalities, and find the truth behind the inadequate English words. Better yet, perhaps we can hold each interpretation in mind to taste it’s unique flavor. As a connoisseur of fine wines can distinguish the character of different vintages of similar wines, we can sniff the mantra, swirl it around, and drink deeply of its essence.The Sanskrit mantra carries such meaning that one can easily take it half a dozen ways. Each of the translations may be true, yet any one may be inadequate to express the full meaning. But that is the marvel of a mantra. It is just a word or just a sound until you hold it in your heart, mind and soul. The meaning comes through repetition and involvement.

    Practice:

    Use the mantra of the Prajna Paramita to take you beyond. Let it take you to the other shore. Allow it to awaken you. Let it remind you of your becoming. Let it carry you away without your leaving. Repeat the mantra to yourself. Say it out loud or silently to yourself. Say it over and over. Through repetition it will become part of you. Through diligent practice you may become part of it. As you repeat this “most divine mantra” hold in your mind the alternate interpretations noted above. Sense the subtle differences in meaning. Carry the various meanings until they merge and all the meanings blend into one pure understanding.

    GATE GATE PARA GATE PARASAM GATE BODHI SVAHA

    Thanks and credit  for this page credit to: Tom Barrett and www.interluderetreat.com

     © 2002 Tom Barrett

    A New New Year Tradition; Give Up Resolutions!

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    A NEW New Year’s Tradition; Give Up Resolutions!

    – Try Dedications, Intentions, and WHY NOTs Instead.
    by Lasára Allen, www.LasaraAllen.com

    Have you made any resolutions for 2010?

    Many of us make resolutions – and then fail. Though I have almost always met with success in my new year’s resolutions, I think resolutions come from a somewhat limited, and limiting, perspective. So instead of resolutions his year, I’ve choosen to make lists of Dedications, Intentions and WHY NOTs.

    But always with any new year commitment I make, I include one cautionary caveat, which I encourage you to adopt as well; remember that while any marker – new year’s day, new moon, an anniversary, or your birthday – can serve as an activator for a commitment, every breath is a chance for a new choice.

    When you “fall short” of a commitment, offer yourself compassion instead of self-denigration. Gratitude instead of blame.

    It helps me to think of my dedications, intentions, and wishes – my WHY NOT list, as practices. For me, practice means; though I’m not perfect at it (that’s why it’s called practice, right?), I am growing more committed and successful in it everyday.

    I find this a great phrase, prayer, or mantra to remember as needed.
    In the list structure I’ve used this year, each list has a higher level of commitment. 1: Dedications; 2: Intentions; 3; My “WHY NOT?” List.

    Here’s a quick, easy guide on how to build these lists, and a few examples of my own per category.

    List One; Dedications:

    The Mirriam-Webster Dictionary offers four definitions for the word dedication.

    1 : an act or rite of dedicating to a divine being or to a sacred use, 2 : a devoting or setting aside for a particular purpose, 3 : a name and often a message prefixed to a literary, musical, or artistic production in tribute to a person or cause, 4 : self-sacrificing devotion <her dedication to the cause>, 5 : a ceremony to mark the official completion or opening of something…

    I think all of them have relevance here. For me, dedications are like vows that I’m making with God, my family, my community, the flow of life in general. And my life in specific. Of the three lists, as you might guess, this is the highest level of commitment.

    In building this list, think of the things you truly are committed to enacting in your everyday life. Consider the ways you want your life to shift, the relationships you will reconfigure, the people you are responsible for or to.

    Then set pen to paper (or finger to key board, as case may be), and get writing. You can  write out as many or as few as feels right. If your list gets to long, you can number each item by level of importance or resonance, and then cut the ones that rank lowest.

    Here are a few items from my Dedications for 2010 list:

    * To recognize that every area of practice towards my own health is an act of dedication to the liberation of all sentient beings pervading time and space.
    * To recognize that serving my husband, my children, my family and my friends are part of my spiritual practice, and to treat it as such. And, to remeber that this also serve the liberation of all beings.
    * To continue following the path that my gratitude practice opens for me.
    * To build a circle of similarly minded friends here in the area, and to actively commitment to this as a practice of faith, desire, and love.
    * To continue trusting that God has a plan for me that is greater than I can see, and that every day I’m fulfilling that plan by living my life in as much consciousness as I can achieve.

    List Two; Intentions

    Mirriam-Webster has six definitions of the word intention. Of the six, I feel that the following five are all interestingly relevant in this case.

    1 : a determination to act in a certain way : resolve, 2 : import, significance, 3 a : what one intends to do or bring about b : the object for which a prayer, mass, or pious act is offered, 4 : a process or manner of healing of incised wounds, 5 : concept; especially : a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge…

    And here’s the etymology, thanks to etymonline.com;

    intend c.1300, “direct one’s attention to,” from O.Fr. intendre “to direct one’s attention,” from L. intenderein- “toward” + tendere “to stretch” (see tenet). Sense of “have as a plan” (1390) was present in Latin. A Gmc. word for this was ettle, from O.N. ætla “to think, conjecture, propose,” from P.Gmc. *ahta “consideration, attention” (cf. O.E. eaht, Ger. acht). …

    In my mind, intentions are thoughts, experiences  and occurrences that you are casting forward into your future. Intetnions may not take as much day-to-day attention, or may not be as interactive with others in your life. Whatever they are, for me they often have a lot to do with feeling-states and the outcomes of them.

    Some things off my Intentions for 2010 list:

    * To allow financial, desired, perfect abundance to enter and flow in my life, and have less attachment about how that flow occurs. To trust that God knows best how to deliver this abundance.
    * To follow the attraction and direction of my heart with grace, trust, and joy.
    * To invest in and develop forgiveness for myself and and the harm that occurred in my past.
    * More and more, to allow the support I so deeply desire.
    * To take what I have learned of trust, honesty, and openness from my husband and begin generalizing it to the rest of the world.

    List 3; My “WHY NOT?” List (this year and beyond):

    I got the idea for a WHY NOT list from Self Magazine actually. I thought it sounded like a great idea – to give myself the chance to dream big, and think outside the daily details of family, plans, life, family, service, love, did I mention family?

    WHY NOT take a few minutes and get very self-focused?If you could do anything, what would it be? And remember, anything you desire, you probably actually can pull off.

    In my life, and lately in training for my half-marathon (one of my WHY NOTs, as you’ll see below), I have found so much inspiration from people who have come up against challenges and beat the odss; a man with a prosthetic leg finishing a marathon in just over five hours. People being diagnosed with cancer, and instead of succumbing, actually choosing to live for the first time in their lives. My sister, an amzing woman who is mentoring me on my marathon experience, summited Mount Everest four years ago in her mid-40s.

    If you’re willing to reach for your WHY NOTs, there’s no way you’ll fail in having a great 2010, and beyond.

    Some of my WHY NOTs, for 2010 and beyond:

    * Run a half marathon – and then a full!
    * Work toward my best comprehensive health in my life.
    * Explore new religions. (Catholicism, traditional Tantra, deeper into Tibetan Buddhism and Tantric teachings and ritual.)
    * Explore excavation of darkness and shadow, in the light.
    * Go dancing.
    * Take a dance class (again after all these years).
    * Take a voice class (again after all these years).
    * Visit different churches just to see what part of me the services sing to.

    And, my final commitment; to view these lists at least once every three months, and mark off the things that actually have a completion point, and put stars next to the things I’m doing well with that are paths without destinations.

    What are your commitments, intentions, or WHY NOTs? I look forward to seeing what you have to share. Please click here! It will be great to have you there.

    With wishes of joy, abundance, and greatest gratitude, a very heartfelt prayer for a 2010 that is beyond your sweetest dreams, from my heart to yours.

    In GRATITUDE! (heart here.)

    Author Bio:
    Lasára Allen is an author, an educator, advocate, ad the creator of Gratitude Games. Her articles cover a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an advocate, Lasára writes and speaks about living, parenting and working with bipolar disorder. In 2008, she designed Gratigories and her other Gratitude Games.

    Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally.

    Lasára is mom to two amazing daughters, and wife to Robert Allen, an outstanding man.

    Find more of Lasára’s writing, updates, and tons of health and fitness focus, – including an interactive “co-accountability” focused area – at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and more about Lasára’s gratitude projects at http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.

    I’m Grateful for 2009!

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    Things I’m most grateful for from 2009

      The Kiss, Lasara and Robert Allen

    • Getting married to my true and eternal love. It’s for reals, yo! Seriously now, I didn’t think that love like this was possible, and there’s nothing I have loved more to be proved wrong about that. I want to shout it from the mountaintops; TRUE LOVE IS REAL! I have been matched, not just met. For finding my twin flame, I will be eternally grateful.
    • My constantly renewing relationship with my amazing daughters. They continue making my heart sing. My pride in them is boundless. I love the way they learn, listen, love, laugh. I love the way they allow themselves to cry, ask for hugs when they need them, reflect our family values of gratitude, honesty, generosity, and friendliness. I love watching them grow into young women, sometimes slowly – and sometimes just a little bit faster than I’d like for a moment or two. Then I remember; “Your children are not your children./They are the sons and daughters of Life’s own longing for itself./They come through you but not from you,/And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.” – The Prophet, On Children, Kahlil Gibran. They are becoming more themselves – more self possessed – everyday.
    • Learning trust. It’s a BIG ONE for me, and my man has been instrumental in helping me to confront and move through the fears that have previously blocked my ability to achieve it.
    • Learning honesty and transparency on a deeper level than ever before. This great gift has allowed, and is allowing for my true, authentic self to reveal itself day by day. It has allowed my defensiveness to drop, my stories to fall away, transform, change.

      • Mr. and the Kids make Cupcakes.

    • My gratitude practice. It keeps me moving into living the life I long to create. (I like saying it that way better than, “creating the life I long to live.”
    • My physical practice. Though I’m not perfect at it (that’s why it’s called practice, right?), it saves my life and my sanity. I am growing more committed and successful in it everyday. Especially with the half marathon I’m training for. :-) My asana yoga, running, Pilates, boot camp, the sweat, the gentle burn, the increase in lng capacity, my heart growing stronger, the stabilization of my body chemicals; I would can’t live without it.
    • My increase in self-directed honesty and insight about bipolar disorder and how it affects my life. Again with much gratitude to my Mr. and to my girls, I’m learning how to manage a condition/disorder/disability that will be a part of my world for the rest of my life. My man truly understands how bipolar disorder affects me, and he’s learning to hear and notice my symptoms, and understand and support me me without judgment.
    • Opportunities to advocate for understanding of bipolar disorder like The Hot Mommas Project case study competition – and, like this one, right now. THANK YOU for listening/reading.
    • A final willingness to accept the help that new classes of medications can offer people who live with bipolar disorder. Even when I my meds feel like a block instead of a baseline, I find my gratitude for the stabilization they offer. Sure, there are things I’ve had to give up – like the Super-High of mania. But the manic high, just like many forms of “high” do, affected my judgment and made me a real bit*h to live with. I’ happy to becoming happy, trust-worthy, and trusting. Even if it means I’ve turned down the volume of life by a few clicks. The white noise got kinda loud sometimes anyway.
      • My new year novena., santa teresita

      My new year's eve novena; a flowery and easeful, trusting prayer to Santa Teresita.

    • My growing comfort with and honesty about my conversion experience, and my conversion itself polytheism/pantheism (the religion I was raised in and practiced into my 30s – even to the extent that I was ordained as a Priestess of a Neo-Pagan church at 29) to monotheism. It’s bee a huge shift, and in the process I’ve lost touch with much of my community. (This part of it was somewhat unavoidable, though sad, and an area I would like to somehow mend.) But on the positive, there were many moments of growth, awareness, and unarguably miraculous experience  that are traced in light and grace and tattooed on the surface of my cells in this romance with God, and the slow dawning of my true change of heart. This mystical transformation has been a grand, glorious, at times tumultuous love affair with my own wholeness. Ibn ‘Arabi says it perfectly; “My heart has become capable of every form:/it is a pasture for gazelles and a convent for Christian monks,/And a temple for idols, and the pilgrim’s Ka’ba,/and the tables of the Tora and the book of the Koran./I follow the religion of Love, whichever way his camels take…“
    • My relationship with God. How “It” is (I am) there (here) even when I forget that it is/I am.

    For me, 2009 was an awe-inspiring, heart-shaking, challenging, revelatory, heart-opening, dream-manifesting, intense, liberating, life-changing year. Through it, I’ve grown into a new me. My marriage has tempered me, and revealed me. My children have grown me up through their own amazing growth. After two years in a shared cocoon, the Mr. and I emerge, pupua to perfectly paired butterflies.

    It’s a whole new world.

    I hope that your 2009 has been as amazing.

    I trust that 2010 will bring more of what we all desire from seed to flower, in our abundant gardens of dreams.

    These are a few of my favorite things… (Goodbye, 2009!)

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    Nine of the most awesome products, vendors, or other items I found or was introduced to in 2009:

    1. Sephora; If I had an any credit available, I’d be in trouble because I could easily spend thousands at Sephora.com. Amazing products, great company. As it is, I spend too much there – in the TIME department. It’s like wandering through an open market for hours; sometimes you just get lost in the beauty of it, right?
    2. Green Valley Spa Good Medicine Skin Care Line; I was gifted a package of some of these amazing products when I was a winner in a an international case study writing competition at The Hot Mommas Project. The producs are all natural, and refreshingly simple – and surprisingly effective! No were on the packaging does this line make claims of “anti-aging” nor “anti-blemish”, but this amazing line did both better than Biore’s new line, by a long shot. If someone offered me a car or a lifetime supply of all the Good Medicine products, I’d take the products. (Man, the kids would probably never speak to me again. Oh well!)
    3. Organic Apoteke; I got to sample some of their Rejuvenating Eye Cream and, oh my God, it worked! Lovely packaging, green conscious company, and an organic product that really did what it said it would. The warming effect was a little intense at first, but it toned down after a few days. I’ve had tons of people recommend Clinique products to me, so I purchased one of their eye products recently. There’s no comparison to be made. Organic Apoteke Rejuvenating Eye Cream is hands down the most effective eye product I have ever used. I look forward to getting back to the product, and look forward to trying out more of their line. (Stay tuned for a more full review, and a give away. Be sure to sign up for my newsletter in the box to the right so you know when my giveaways are happening!).)
    4. Kool ‘n Fit; This stuff is amazing! It really, really, really works. Well. I wish I could buy the gallon size of it, because I would use it more often. At any rate, whatever size you buy, it’ll be worth every penny.
    5. Runner’s World Magazine; I just started reading this mag, case I’m preparing for my first ever race. (Half marathon, April 3. Working towards a full in April or May of 2011 as a birthday present for my 40th birthday; great health and amazing fitness! What more could I want?) Already, I’ve learned some amazing and useful things (like that chocolate milk is the best post-run recovery drink…mmmm. So, hot cocoa or a chocolate shake after every run. Who knew running was so much fun???), and read some inspiring stories and some very funny ones. Even the funny ones are helpful in adjusting to such a major commitment – a race of any length. Especially so, I imagine, for a newbie like me. If you’re new to running, I highly recommend this magazine. And, at a buck a copy, a subscription just makes sense.

      6. Lasara in veil.

    6. My big, huge, powerful MacBook Pro, 17 inch. Oh, I love this baby.
    7. Listerine Whitening Vibrant White Pre-Brush Mouth Wash; it just works. And its easy. And it’s way cheaper than other whitening products. 7.5 Hoop earrings. I had my lobes stretched for years and only wore plugs. My lobes have healed back to a small enough size, and I love wearing hoops. LOVE wearing hoops. I’m going to buy, like 20 pairs before hey go out of vogue again, because I want to wear them forever. And my 10 .y.o. got me my coolest pair for xmas. (Why a 7.5 grouped with Listerine? Pure and simple vanity. Seemed like the best place for a .5 that was vanity related, so I could keep my list to nine.  I know, kinda a cheap trick but a girls’ gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
    8. House plants; okay, it wasn’t in 2009 that I met them, but I am totally in love with my plants like crazy now, and they’re multiplying. I’ve rooted cuttings to great effect, and now have many baby Madagascar Dragons, Jade Plants, and a variety of vines.
    9. Wedding veils. I never thought I’d even want to wear one, but I wanted to and I did. It felt right, and when my Mr. lifted my veil, it was a revelation. Just like a moment like that is meant to be.

    lift the veil
    that obscures
    the heart

    and there
    you will find
    what you are
    looking for

    -Kabir

    Happy 2010 from Lasára and the Allen Household!

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    Robert and Lasára Allen, Dec. 25, '09Tired of New Years Resolutions? Why Not New Years Commitments, Intetionstions, and Fun?

    Have you made any resolutions? Many of us make resolutions and then fail. Many of us make resolutions and then fail. I’m choosing to make intentions and commitments. But always with one cautionary caveat, which I encourage YOU to adopt as well; remember that while today is the first day of the rest of your year, this is also the first day of the rest of your life! And, this moment is the first moment of the rest of your physical existence. Every breath is a chance to make a new choice.

    When you “fall short” of that commitment, offer yourself compassion instead of self-denigration, and gratitude instead of blame.

    This new year, I’ll be making three lists. Each has a higher level of commitment 1: Commitments; 2: Intentions; 3; My “WHY NOT?” List.

    List One; Commitments:

    • To recognize that every area of practice towards my own health is an act of dedication to the liberation of all sentient beings pervading time and space.
    • To recognize that serving my husband, my children, my family and my friends are part of my spiritual practice, and to treat it as such. And, to remember that this also serve the liberation of all beings.
    • To continue following the path that my gratitude practice opens for me.
    • To train towards my physical and fitness goals with passion and dedication. Failure is not an option.
    • To remain open to the idea, realization, (fact?), that love can be easeful, and that I am safe in it. And, safe in the arms and grace of my Mr.
    • Without expectation, to celebrate every anniversary and celebration that my Mr. and I can count as momentous; Valentines day when he moved in, reconfirmation June 26 in Seattle, August 12 when we eloped, Oct 3rd when we reconfirmed our vows, and Christmas when he was delivered to me – my greatest Christmas Miracle ever.
    • To build a circle of similarly minded friends here in the area, and to actively commitment to this as a practice of faith, desire, and love.
    • To continue working in acceptance of the choices I have made to support my growing balance and mental health, even when those choices feel like limitations.
    • To continue sharing my gifts with the world in whatever ways I am capable of at any time.
    • To continue trusting that God has a plan for me that is greater than I can see, and that every day I’m fulfilling that plan by living my life in as much consciousness as I can achieve.

    Ror, Dec. 25, '09

    List Two; Intentions

    • To begin praying and meditating again in a way that serves to ground and inspire me instead of making me too high and open.
    • To allow financial, desired, perfect abundance to enter and flow in my life, and have less attachment about how that flow occurs. To trust that God knows best how to deliver this abundance.
    • To follow the attraction and direction of my heart with grace, trust, and joy.
    • To invest in and develop forgiveness for myself and and the harm that occurred in my past.
    • More and more, to allow the support I so deeply desire.
    • To take what I have learned of trust, honesty, and openness from my husband and begin generalizing it to the rest of the world.
    • To hold regular gatherings as part of my community building adventure.
    • To close at least one book deal.
    • To write my next book, or books.
    • To shop Gratigories to a card publisher who may also want to publish my gratitude books.
    • To take trips outside the area more regularly.
    • To begin reading more books again.

    List 3; My “WHY NOT?” List (next year and beyond):

    • Plan a belated honeymoon to Europe (Italy primarily) with my Mr.Sollie, 12.25.09
    • Run a half marathon.
    • Work toward my best comprehensive health in my life.
    • Get yoga instructor 200 hour certification.
    • Trust that love and sexual sharing can be exactly as I hope for it; easy, safe, based purely in shared desire and trust.
    • Explore new religions. (Catholicism, traditional Tantra, deeper into Tibetan Buddhism and Tantric teachings and ritual.)
    • Explore excavation of darkness and shadow, in the light.
    • Go dancing.
    • Take a dance class (again after all these years).
    • Take a voice class (again after all these years).
    • Visit different churches just to see what part of me the services sing to.

    And, my final commitment; to visit this page at least once every three months, and mark off the things that actually have a completion point, and star the things I’m doing well on that are a path without destination.

    What are your commitments, intentions, or WHY NOTs? I look forward to seeing what you have to share.

    And with wishes of joy, abundance, and greatest gratitude, a very heartfelt prayer for a 2010 that is beyond your sweetest dreams, from our home and family to yours.

    In GRATITUDE! (heart here!)

    Host a Gratitude Gathering!

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    Circles of Girls at Solomon's Pools, Bethlehem, PAL

    Photo credit; Khalid Arar Schawabkeh

    Host a Gratitude Gathering!

    by Lasára Allen, MPNLP

    1. Choose a date!

    What date makes you want to practice gratitude? You can choose Sunday, and have it be your church. You can choose the new moon, and have it be the beginning of a new cycle. You can choose your birthday, and have it be the way you begin your personal “new year”. Or, you can choose a random day, and proclaim in Gratitude Day!

    You can hold monthly Gratitude Gatherings, or even weekly. You can plan them around holidays. You can start with one, and see how often you want to repeat the experience.

    2. What’s Your Theme?

    What do you want your gratitude fest to include?

    If you want to include a meal, you have a few options. You can offer a meal you prepare. You can make a meal together as part of the party. Or, you can hold a potluck.

    Offering a meal is a lovely gesture, a great gift to offer your loved ones. This is going to be a more contained experience most likely than some of the other options. You will need to know how many people are coming so you can prepare adequately. With a dinner party setting, the gratitude games can easily be the main focus of the event. Or, you can draw some of the elements mentioned below in as well.

    A meal made together is an extraordinary experience of alchemy, transformation. You create together out of raw materials, and you can play the Gratitude Games while you make the meal, investing each element with the intentions of your gratefulness. This is a wonderful, magical way to celebrate your collective wealth, creativity, and abundance.

    A potluck is the easiest if you want to have an open invitation, free-flowing event. The food will be less of a focus, but part of the overall experience of gratitude and collective abundance.

    You can add in a Potlach ceremony – it’s also called a Give-Away. Potlatch comes from the indigenous people of the Pacific Northwest coastline. In a potlatch, you give away your belongings as a celebration of your abundance. In North Western native culture, the potlatch consisted of every household in the community putting belongings outside for the taking. The one who gave the most (as opposed to the family who had the most) gained the highest status.

    In native culture, this ceremony was undertaken for many reasons. All had to do with the redistribution of wealth. Not everyone had material possessions to offer, and some offered dances or songs instead.

    Invite guests to bring belongings, and everyone can give them away, and receive items from the other piles.

    In addition to being an achingly beautiful traditional ceremony, this is a great way to reduce our carbon footprint. A give-away allows us to reduce waste, clean out storage and closets, and saves each participant the money, time, and by-product of a shopping trip, by way of new-to-them belongings.

    The left-over items from your give-away may be given to the charity of your choice. For instance, I recently hosted a give-away, and offered all the left-over items from the party to a rummage sale that benefited extra- curricular activities at the local elementary school. Another time we brought the extra to the local homeless shelter and women’s crisis center in our town. Talk about sharing the wealth!

    You can host a grocery drive as part of your gratitude gathering, and give the food to your local shelter, soup kitchen, or hospice center. You can have a raffle, and give the money you raise to the cause of your choice.

    You can use the fest as an opportunity to educate your community about a community in need, and celebrate your wealth by sharing it!. You can offer information about Grameen, Kiva, and other micro-financing companies. Or choose a few loans beforehand that you want to join in to support, and help someone in a less economically privileged country create a sustainable income.

    Of course, you can play Gratitude Games throughout.

    Gratitude can be implemented in many ways. Bring your gratitude into the world, and make something grand of it.

    3. What friends are you grateful for?

    Who of your friends would most enjoy practicing gratitude with you? Make a list of the friends you want to share your grateful life with, and invite them to your celebration.

    For your consideration: I encourage you to invite your guests via electronic means instead of paper invites, as some things I’m grateful for are a healthy planet, and healthy forests. Less waste, more breath!

    Author Bio:
    Lasára Allen is an author, an educator, and an advocate. Her articles cover a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an advocate, Lasára writes and speaks about living, parenting and working with bipolar disorder. In 2008 she designed GratitudeGames..

    Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally.

    Lasára is mom to two amazing daughters, and wife to Robert Allen, an outstanding man.

    Find more of Lasára’s writing at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and more about Lasára’s gratitude projects at http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.

    Review – MAGAZINE: More, Meredith Publication Group

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    More Magazine

    More Magazine, Dec Issue, 2009
    I’m not 40 just yet, but I already love More Magazine. Written for the 40+ crowd, and unofficially branded as the magazine for women moving into the prime of their lives, I’ve read this mag on and off for a few years.

    What seems to be a recent revamp has made More even MORE fun.

    The thing I love most about More is that it makes me look FORWARD to 40, instead of daunted by the thought of it, as opposed to all those girl-mags out there that make me feel that I’m so last year…or last decade, as the case may be. More makes 40 really feel like the new 30. It normalizes the process of getting older, growing up, growing into our skins, and our lives.

    I was just thinking the other day how More feels kind of like Jane (the good Jane, before Jane Pratt left), which, as those of you who read both would know, felt like Sassy – in my opinion, the only teen magazine that was worth it’s weight in paper back when I was n the age range. That Jane was like Sassy was easily explained; Jane Pratt was the founding editor of Sassy, and when Sassy went under, Jane jumped into the boss’s seat at Jane!

    BTW, I have no idea why Sassy DID go under – but it was probably because it was a shocking, entertaining, worthwhile read!

    Or, it could be that Ms. Pratt had gotten “too old” for Sassy, and had to move on (thus Jane was born), which is apparently the same reason that Jane left Jane. Unmistakably the worst mistake ever made by the head-honchos over at Conde Naste. Leading, as you’ll know if you read the article linked above, to Jane Magazine’s eventual demise.

    (I believe that if Jane had stayed at Jane, the magazine could have grown up with her, and with us, and More would have some competition!)

    So, flipping through the pages of More today, I saw an old familiar name; Esther Haynes. One of the main staff writers of the dearly departed Jane! Ah, it all makes sense. More HAS become the grown-up Jane, just like Jane was the grown-up Sassy.

    So, More still does the standard tricks; airbrushing cover models (pretty much all famous, beautiful, over 40 notables), ads coupled with articles on the same topics, etc. I don’t blame them. They gotta make a buck to stay afloat, just like everyone, and their job is to make us look forward to 40+. (Not that airbrushing Holly Hunter is a requirement in that regard. By all accounts, the 51 year old is hotter than Georgia asphalt!)

    The articles are honest, and hopeful at the same time. The ones that talk about parenting are talking about kids my age and older. The empty nest is addressed, but only as one of the stages we, the readership, might be in.

    Fashion – from finding the right bathing suit for the shape you’re in, to the perfect LBD – is made accessible. Photo spreads are elegant, without losing the flirty. And always with models that make me feel beautiful by association. Health and wellness are addressed from a wide variety of perspectives, from the holistic, to the standard allopathic. But each article addresses the processes that come of aging with both matter-of-factness and humor.

    In writing this review I learned a few more reasons to like More; in addition to the discovery of Esther Haynes, More is published by Meredith Publication Group, not Conde Naste. I know Meredith is still HUGE, with 23 subscription titles and over 150 newsstand, but it’s a more grounded, personable, and even friendly-seeming corporation.

    And for a magazine company, they’re pretty eco-conscious which is nothing to sneeze at. The company also has a strong philanthropic arm, which makes me feel even better about tossing a few bux their way. Continue reading →