Tag Archives: women

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What Women Want – The Ten Secrets Every Husband, Lover, or Partner Needs to Know!

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hot couple in loveA preface for the ladies;
Feel like you want your guy to know a few things about you? Like maybe what you want, and how you feel? If those things aren’t covered in this article, I invite you to write your own note to the man you love, and tell him about your top ten desires, dreams, wants, needs, or fantasies. It may become the beginning of an amazing, deepening, or even super-hot conversation.

However, if this list rings true for you, please share it with your man. I hope it brings you both to a place of pleasure, and deeper understanding.

Hey guys, I know you sometimes feel mystified by what is expected of, or desired from, you.
And it’s not like I can clear all that up in a few simple words. Hell, we’ve been working on this one since the dawn of time, I’m pretty sure.

But I’m also pretty sure we’re starting to get somewhere with all this. Men and women have never before had quite the opportunity we have right now to build a whole new way of relating. A new way, based on some pretty old truths, mixed with some brand-spankin’-new ideas.

I may be a dreamer, but I say there’s a chance that we can get past the wounding that you and I have both endured, and grow into shared desire, honesty, truth, and trust.

Here are a few steps to start you on your journey down that sometimes challenging, yet always rewarding, path. Pretend I’m your lady, and I’m talking to you.

Ready? Here are ten secret desires that may change your life forever.

Secret Desire # 1: Focus, or Presence:
Get totally present. Allow this moment, right here, right now, to be the only thing happening in the whole of time and space. Let the world fall away around us, and let me be your whole world.

This state of grace will usually only last a moment, but that moment goes a long way towards filling a well that often gets low; the one you want to drink from! Take the time, and let’s let the levels rise together.

This focus is a great way to greet me when we haven’t seen each other all day. Or, before we part ways in the morning. Or, first thing upon waking. Or last thing before we fall asleep. Or, all of the above.

Secret Desire # 2: Noticing, or Paying Attention:
When you notice what I like, it makes me feel seen, and cared for. In or out of bed. When you notice that I’ve changed my hair, or that the pants I’m wearing look hot, or that I look like I could use a hug, it makes me feel proud, relieved, happy, grateful that I chose YOU.

When you notice how I like my coffee, and prepare it for me without even thinking twice, I feel worshipped.

When you figure out that I don’t like soft, repetitive strokes on the hand, but I love strong hugs from behind, it makes me feel understood. Big bonus points to you if I never have to whisper a word to you about it, and you figure it all out on your own; after all, that’s what noticing is about.

Take the time and attention to notice me. I’ll do the same for you, and let’s see what happens!

Secret Desire # 3: Showing me Gratitude:
When you show me that you’re thankful that I chose you, it makes my heart soar. When you tell me you’re grateful that you get to go to bed with me, and wake up next to me, i feel nourished.

When you tell me you’re proud to be seen with me, I feel claimed. And as transgressive as it might be for a “feminist” to say, I love it when you claim me.

When you tell me you’re grateful that I’m such a good mom to our kids, I feel touched, and relieved. When you show your gratitude by fully parenting them with me, I feel like I won the husband lottery!

Remember to say thank  you for the small things; those everyday, tiny, repetitive things we do a million times without thinking about it. If I do the laundry, a thanks makes it less of a chore. And if you do the laundry, you know I’ll be thanking you.

Secret Desire # 4: Confidence:
Don’t second guess yourself. When I say I want you to take control, that’s what I mean.

And, don’t second guess me! When I tell you that I want you to make the choice, that’s really what I want. When you don’t believe me, I’m likely to get annoyed, especially on this touchy topic.

I know it’s a wound we’re working our way through as a culture. Ten years ago, women weren’t supposed to ask for help, and men weren’t supposed to offer it.

Well, the time they are a changing – again!

Even as a woman who can still handle it all – if I have to! – I want to be taken care of sometimes. Sometimes I want you to drive. And sometimes, I don’t want to have to say it at all. I just want you to step up, and take the wheel.sexy married couple

Secret Desire # 5: Vulnerability:
This is not the opposite of confidence, as some men assume. I see your willingness to be vulnerable with me as a huge statement of confidence. And, it makes me want to support you, take care of you. Not in some mommy/boy way, but in this, “oh, wow, he trusts me!” way.

Not only that, it makes me trust you. If you’re willing to get vulnerable with me, I’m going to be less guarded with you. And you never know to what fantastic places that could lead.

Trust that I can support you in those moments when you need to be held, listened to, or even just vent. Trust that I’ll still be here when you’re through it. And as you trust more, so will I.

Secret Desire # 6: Honesty and Transparency:
Scarier words are rarely spoken, right? But how are you going to get what you want, if you can’t, don’t, or won’t ask for it? Speaking our desires is the first step to getting them fulfilled.

And, when you speak your truth, you allow me to do the same. You never know…that fantasy you’ve been holding back on sharing might be just the one I’m dying to explore.

Let me tell you a secret; I like it dirty, and I like it rough. I also like it gentle, and loving, and sweet. If I trust you enough, there’s no edge that’s point-blank off-limits. Make it possible for me to trust you, and you’ll gain the golden key.

Your honesty is what cements my trust. Let’s build that foundation.

And, it would be less than honest of me to leave this part out; there’s another part of transparency that’s really important to me.

If I ask what you’re thinking, or feeling, or what’s wrong, please don’t say nothing, when it’s really something. I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy. If you don’t give me the low-down when something’s up, as you probably already know, I’m going to make up some kind of crazy story about what’s behind your silence.

Any story I make up is very likely to be much worse than whatever it is you’re not sharing with me.

Whatever the truth is, it’s better than confusion or paranoia. So man-up, and spit it out! This courageous act will save both of us a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. And it’ll save me a lot of hurt, wondering, and heart-ache.

And you know what’s awesome about this more challenging part of honesty? Once the air is cleared, we can get back to the yummy stuff, which is where both of us really want to be anyway. Right?

Secret Desire # 7: Face Fear Head-On:
Always be willing to face any fears that come up, whether they’re mine, or yours. And always be willing to go deeper with me, and work through that fear. Maybe not all at once, but over time.

In bed or out, we all have fears that arise around letting each other in, trusting, independence versus intimacy, personal power versus shared experience.

When you get scared, remember; I get scared, too. One thing you can be sure about is that getting scared is common ground – we’ve all been there!

Bring it to me, and I promise to do my best not to hurt you, make you wrong, or close you down in your fear. Open to me, and I’ll open to you.

Secret Desire # 8: Responsiveness:
In bed or out, paying attention becomes a worthwhile practice when you learn to respond appropriately to the information you gather.

That doesn’t mean doing what you think is supposed to come next. It means actually paying attention AS you respond, and honing your response to meet my desire. Sounds complicated, but it gets easier when you get present in the moment!

There’s no playbook for life, or for our interactions. No step 1, step 2, step 3 mentality is going to work in every situation. Instead, learn to read me. And then do whatever comes naturally.

Look, listen, then walk, as we learn in crossing the street. Give our interactions as much thought, and we’ll find our way.

Secret Desire # 9: Sharing Responsibilities:
In sex, that means doing your part regarding safety, birth control, and shared pleasure.

In life it means parenting with me, house keeping with me, making decisions with me; not around, or to, me. It means making goals and building dreams with me.

Sharing responsibility sometimes means taking control of the situation. Sometimes it means allowing me to. And often, it means coming together and working it out, in a way that makes sense to both of us.

And, The Big Secret Desire # 10! Be Willing to Cultivate and Invest in Love Through It All:
When my ex-husband and I separated a few years ago, I loved my way through it. it wasn’t always easy, but now that I know I can do that, I know I can love through anything.

Even when I’m angry at you, I can find the love I have for you within and around the anger. Even when I’m hurt, scared, and tired of the b.s., I can still find, connect with, and foster that love.

And if I can’t, something might really be wrong!

Practice may not make this one perfect, but it gets you there. Loving through the annoyance, anger, frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response.

Remember; I’m loving you. Love me, too. If we can pull that off, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to make this thing work!

Happy, Happy Birthday Barbie! (Or, In Defense of the Doll)

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Windblown BarbieIn case you hadn’t heard, March 2009 was the month of the 50th birthday of the longest-standing winner of the crown of Most Ambiguous Idol of Women’s Power – BARBIE! March is also Women’s History Month, and International Women’s Day is on the 8th. Irony, or not? You decide.

In honor of the grande dame’s 50th, I begin my tribute with a little piece on the Plastic Priestess from Sexy Witch (LaSara FireFox, Llewellyn, nonfiction, 2005), chapter two, on self-esteem. From there, much commentary as a recognition and celebration of changing feminist values and views.

In Defense of the Doll: The Barbie Revolution

Barbie has gone from being a vapid example of how women are “supposed to be,” to being the most successful female in America. Barbie has had 95+ careers, has been created in 45 different nationalities. And, has busted through the glass ceiling on many frontiers. Launched in 2004: White House Barbie!

With any luck, we mortals will soon catch up with this versatile plasticine character.
Sexy Witch, LaSara FireFox, Llewellyn Worldwide, 2005

Flashback to the late ’80s, and My Long, Long Journey Towards Respecting Barbie:

With a spotty family history (I’ll spare you the drama), and the fervor of Take Back the Night, I stepped into adulthood at the tail-end of the 2nd Wave, and a chip on my shoulder the size of…well, the size of womanhood itself, and the ills heaped upon it (or, us), I guess.

  • At 18 I started body building, and learned self-defense techniques that made it possible for me to kill a man with my bare hands.
  • At 19, I shaved my head, wore boy-clothes, and started walking, talking, and f*cking like a man. Anything HE could do, I could do better – f8ck the “high heels and backwards” part! I wore combat boots. (Didn’t we all?)
  • At 21, I worked as the only female employee in a moving company of 130+, and became one of the guys. Worked twice as hard for half the respect, yada yada yada.
  • Yeah. A lot of men were ass3s. And yes, gender was bu77sh1t. And yes, shaving my head, the confidence of knowing how to kill “a perp,” and the strength to lift a washing machine single-handedly made it possible for me to pass as a guy with confidence, and do all sorts of stuff that girls (yep, even most “riot grrrls”) couldn’t, or wouldn’t do.
  • And as a redhead, shaving your hair off is a sure-fire way to find out who’s been objectifying you! At least, that’s how I felt when men talked to me eye to eye instead of eye to breast. Then there were the friends who bailed – I figured to he77 with ‘em, if they can’t take the “real” me.

Result: I hated men more, loved myself less…and slowly, overtime, found a long and winding path towards my own healing, from the inside out.

  • First, I made gender my own.
  • Then I started the process of making peace with my body and its female vulnerabilities.
  • Then, I began the (still-challenging) work of making peace with men, and the fact that they truly COULDN’T (and can’t) understand what it was like to be a woman.

Not their fault. Not always a comfortable truth, but a truth all the same

Just like the fact that I can’t understand what it’s like to be a woman from Chiapas. I can empathize. I can listen to her life stories. I can do what I can to put myself in her shoes. But I cannot know what it is like to BE her.

I learned, and as I learned I taught. I taught workshops. I taught classes. I had debates – formal and informal. I wrote articles.

In the midst of it all, I became a mom.

As a strong, some might even say extremist, feminist, what changed my mind about Barbie?

My daughter was a Daughter. A Daughter, with a capital “D”. Delicate, pale shell of an inviolable (please god, please – prayer whispered again and again) holy of holies. Alabaster skin, tiny ankles, long, fine fingers.

It was as if she were born with a very “traditionally feminine” tenderness. Holding her felt like holding a fragile china doll, with a pulse – one I was entirely responsible to protect from a hard world.

My little one’s fragility announced itself like a metaphorical pink bow tied around her mostly-hairless head – it was like she had an extra x chromosome, just for good measure.

And who knows? Maybe she does? Human chromosomal genetic sex is a spectrum that contains 47 possible combinations of Xs and Ys.

Even before my eldest daughter’s birth, I had Rules (with a capital “R”) about how she’d be raised. No gender-based gifts, no pink clothes, no dresses. The then-hubby and I hand-dyed “baby pink” Yoga Barbieand “baby blue” cotton infant shirts black. (Back in ’97 there were no hip, punk-rock baby shops.) We gave her dolls, but made sure she had tractors, too.

But then the damnedest thing happened; my daughter started speaking for herself. Very early. And very – you guessed it – outspokenly. At about seven months.

One of her first favorite words was “pretty.” And it referred to anything pink.

I loosened up. She LIKED dresses. She loved pink ones the most. Especially ones with tutus, frills, and bright colors. So, bit by bit, along came the wings, and the wands, and the tulle, and the ballet shoes. The girly summer sandals.

I still held on to the “no Barbies” rule. For a very long time. It was a point of reference for me. Something to hold on to.

Against all the ribbing, joking, cajoling, I held on. The Beauty Myth. Anorexia. Bulimia. High heels. Tiny waists. Huge breasts. Make up. Etc. I was afraid of the impact the Plasticine Queen would have on my – already SO female – daughter.

When she was two-and-a-half, my precocious one asked; “Mom, why can’t I have a Barbie?” She was (is) quite a sharp cookie, and a little pitcher with some big ears! I took a breath, and said “I’m afraid she’ll make you feel badly about yourself.” Her response?

“Mommy, she’s just a doll!” I swear to this day that her voice had a slight edge of disbelief that I could ever be quite so silly.

She won that argument, hands down.

My daughter taught me something in that moment. Sometimes a doll IS just a doll.

And over the years of welcoming Barbie into my family in her many guises, the lovely lady has taught me a few things, too. My girls and I especially loved the Witch Barbies a couple of Halloweens ago. But the greatest sight by far has been the Barbie knock-offs you find in the Middle East. These lovelies sing Middle Eastern Disco, and wear hijab – a hair covering traditional for women in Muslim culture.

The latest of Barbie’s 95+ careers? CEO. To shed some light on that, The Onion has a wise (ass), and very relevant article on the topic.

Yes, the pink-collar ghetto is still a real thing. Women still make less than men, on average, across the board. The statistical nexus where gender, sex, race, education, motherhood and the market place converge are so convoluted that only economists can do them justice.

And, even at that, there’s HUGE debate about the gender-wage-gap, it’s origins, and possible solutions.

So here I’ll site only a couple of stats I can recall off the top of my head: a white woman, on average, makes about .75 for each $1 a white man makes. That is a quarter less per dollar. $25 less for every $100. $250 less for every $1000. .75 cents on the dollar is a big deal.

The largest wage gap is between white men, and Mexican and Hispanic women. If I remember correctly, the gender-wage-gap is lowest between Mexican and Hispanic men, and Mexican and Hispanic women. (Probably because Mexican and Hispanic men make damn near nothing!)

In all this truth, thank God for Barbie. God bless her, from her misshapen little feet, to her plastic space helmet, to her smart, strong, suits, to her new measurements. Sure, she’s still got an “unrealistic” bod. So does Angelina Jolie, and I love her none-the-less!

To grossly reduce the parody The Onion offers, Barbie’s careers are seemingly “unrealistic”, too. Fer chrissake, in 1979, there was a black Barbie for President doll! That’s a big deal, too.

Some kinds on “unrealistic” are good. Women getting the vote was, at one time, unrealistic. The civil rights movement? World peace…

Diwali Barie, East Indian BarbieUnrealistic doesn’t mean impossible. Sometimes unrealistic is just a challenge that spurs us on.

In Barbie’s world, your worth isn’t based on whether you’re married by the time you’re thirty – as a matter of fact, Barbie’s never been married. In her world, a woman can have any career she wants – or even a whole bunch of them! And she’s no less beautiful, womanly or feminine as a surgeon than as a nurse. And no less strong as a nurse than as a surgeon.

With luck, some perseverance, and some “unrealistic” dreaming, perhaps someday it’ll be so in our world, too.

I trust our girls to know which elements to strive to change, and where to put their focus.

It’s our responsibility not to unthinkingly pass on our wounds, hand our daughters the glass ceilings that held us down, or limit their reaching for the sky, the scalpel, or even the Malibu spa.

And, it’s our responsibility to have the conversation about body image, health, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-esteem over and over again. Even more, it’s our responsibility to model that health for them.

And while that conversation may begin with Barbie, it does not end with her. After all, she’s just a doll.

 

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Review – MAGAZINE: More, Meredith Publication Group

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More Magazine

More Magazine, Dec Issue, 2009
I’m not 40 just yet, but I already love More Magazine. Written for the 40+ crowd, and unofficially branded as the magazine for women moving into the prime of their lives, I’ve read this mag on and off for a few years.

What seems to be a recent revamp has made More even MORE fun.

The thing I love most about More is that it makes me look FORWARD to 40, instead of daunted by the thought of it, as opposed to all those girl-mags out there that make me feel that I’m so last year…or last decade, as the case may be. More makes 40 really feel like the new 30. It normalizes the process of getting older, growing up, growing into our skins, and our lives.

I was just thinking the other day how More feels kind of like Jane (the good Jane, before Jane Pratt left), which, as those of you who read both would know, felt like Sassy – in my opinion, the only teen magazine that was worth it’s weight in paper back when I was n the age range. That Jane was like Sassy was easily explained; Jane Pratt was the founding editor of Sassy, and when Sassy went under, Jane jumped into the boss’s seat at Jane!

BTW, I have no idea why Sassy DID go under – but it was probably because it was a shocking, entertaining, worthwhile read!

Or, it could be that Ms. Pratt had gotten “too old” for Sassy, and had to move on (thus Jane was born), which is apparently the same reason that Jane left Jane. Unmistakably the worst mistake ever made by the head-honchos over at Conde Naste. Leading, as you’ll know if you read the article linked above, to Jane Magazine’s eventual demise.

(I believe that if Jane had stayed at Jane, the magazine could have grown up with her, and with us, and More would have some competition!)

So, flipping through the pages of More today, I saw an old familiar name; Esther Haynes. One of the main staff writers of the dearly departed Jane! Ah, it all makes sense. More HAS become the grown-up Jane, just like Jane was the grown-up Sassy.

So, More still does the standard tricks; airbrushing cover models (pretty much all famous, beautiful, over 40 notables), ads coupled with articles on the same topics, etc. I don’t blame them. They gotta make a buck to stay afloat, just like everyone, and their job is to make us look forward to 40+. (Not that airbrushing Holly Hunter is a requirement in that regard. By all accounts, the 51 year old is hotter than Georgia asphalt!)

The articles are honest, and hopeful at the same time. The ones that talk about parenting are talking about kids my age and older. The empty nest is addressed, but only as one of the stages we, the readership, might be in.

Fashion – from finding the right bathing suit for the shape you’re in, to the perfect LBD – is made accessible. Photo spreads are elegant, without losing the flirty. And always with models that make me feel beautiful by association. Health and wellness are addressed from a wide variety of perspectives, from the holistic, to the standard allopathic. But each article addresses the processes that come of aging with both matter-of-factness and humor.

In writing this review I learned a few more reasons to like More; in addition to the discovery of Esther Haynes, More is published by Meredith Publication Group, not Conde Naste. I know Meredith is still HUGE, with 23 subscription titles and over 150 newsstand, but it’s a more grounded, personable, and even friendly-seeming corporation.

And for a magazine company, they’re pretty eco-conscious which is nothing to sneeze at. The company also has a strong philanthropic arm, which makes me feel even better about tossing a few bux their way. Continue reading →

5 Ways to Engage Your Kids in Grateful Giving

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When funds are tight, giving reminds us of how much we have, and how fortunate we are.

While coming face-to-face with money problems can be a challenging experience, being able to do something about it is a saving grace. Especially or children, a sense of empowerment is a key factor to viewing the global situation of “have and have-not” with compassion instead of fear.

The power to create solutions, even in small ways, is both a learning opportunity, and a healing act that serves both giver and receiver. Generosity is a balm that soothes the soul.

With our nation in the grasp of some hard financial times, many of us are holding back on the consumptive aspect of our former lifestyles.

What better way than giving, to remind us what we’ve got?

1. Cull/weed household belongings and take them to the local shelter, women’s center, or philanthropic thrift store.
An easy starting point to cultivating generosity in your family is to cull or weed your belongings. While you get rid of household items, suggest that your kids do the same with their things. Have them decide what they’re willing to part with to help a kid in need.

Call your local shelter and see what they need, and what they’re willing to take. If you’re flush you can throw in some new items like toiletries and such. The shelter will be grateful.

If your kids are ready for the experience, they may want to participate in the delivery of items, too. When my older daughter was 11, she asked me to bring her with me on a drop off.

We took our piles of clothes and toys to a local “free store” for struggling and homeless families. She still talks about how rewarding it felt to participate in the gifting. I’m sure it will be a memory she holds for life.

2. Host a Potlatch and take all leftover items to the charity or service of your choice.
The potlatch ceremony is also called a give-away. Potlatch comes from the indigenous people of the Pacific Northwest coastline. In a potlatch, you give away your belongings as a celebration of your abundance.

In north-western native culture, the potlatch consisted of every home in the village putting belongings outside for the taking. The one who GAVE the most, as opposed to the family who had the most, gained the highest status in the community.

In native culture, this ceremony was undertaken for many reasons. All of them had to do with the redistribution of wealth. Wealth was not only measured in belongings, though. Not everyone in the community had material possessions to offer, and some offered dances or songs instead. These offerings were just as valued.

Invite your friends to bring belongings to offer, and to take what they need from what others are giving away.

In addition to being an achingly beautiful traditional ceremony, this is a great way to reduce your carbon footprint. A give-away is a way to reduce waste, clean out storage and closets, and it saves each participant the money, time, and by-product of a shopping trip, by way of new-to-them belongings.

At the end of the potlatch, invite your friends to leave all extra items, and take them to your local shelter or favorite charity.

3. Help your kid come up with ways to help humanity.
Food drives, clothing drives, penny drives, quilt drives, coat drives, and more. There are so many ways to help. What are some creative ways your child can come up with to gather resources together and offer them to those less fortunate?

For maximum impact on your kids’ sense of service, allow them to offer ideas, and do your best to support them. The more empowered your kid is to participate in grateful giving, the more organic and integrated the experience becomes.

One year my older daughter decided to bring her change jar – a huge pickle jar with a good start on coins – to her classroom for a change drive. Start to finish, it was completely her idea.

She wasn’t sure where the coins would go once the jar was full. With a little encouragement from me, she decided that her classmates will all bring suggestions of different local charities or services, and the class as a whole will decide together where the money will go.

I suggested that she choose the parameters; local, national, international? And other guidelines; a charity, a service, a fund? Buy items with the money and give them directly to the shelter? There are so many options.

The by-product of this course of action was that my daughter and her classmates researched the local charities and services, and learned about the network of support that they could plug into to offer service.

4. Offer service at your local soup kitchen.
Our local soup kitchen offers a family lunch service before the general lunch. While the general service might be a little risky to take kids to, the family meal is a great way for kids to put a face on those they’re helping.

Ask the kitchen if you can bring a dish, or home made cookies or something easy. Your child’s sense of accomplishment and generosity will be even larger if they’ve had a hand in creating the food they’re offering out.

5. Want to make it international, yet very personal? Microfinancing is a great option!
Microfinancing is a great way to involve your family in the international picture of wealth distribution, resources, and generosity. Getting into microfinancing is a great opportunity to talk to your kids about currencies, and how an American dollar goes a lot farther in a third-world country.

It’s also a great opportunity to illustrate the dire financial conditions in other countries, while still illustrating the fact that we are not powerless to create change.

Your family is unlikely to be able to fund an ecologically sound start-up for a poverty stricken American family. But, for example, $150 goes a long way in the Philippines. The listing below is from Kiva.org:

“Vicenta Duron is 52 years old … She tills a small parcel of land, which she inherited from her father. Her life is in farming and she loves growing crops, especially rice. …Vicenta needs a loan of $125 to purchase sacks of certified seed and fertilizers. She also plans to open a store where she can sell her farm produce, and increase her profits to support her family.”
-Kiva.org loan request

Kiva.org is designed so you can choose the project you most want to fund. And, you can make a loan of any amount and contribute to a larger fund, or choose a smaller one and make the whole loan yourselves.

For information on other microfinancing options, check out www.microfinancegateway.org.

About the author:
Lasára Allen is an author, an educator, and an advocate. Her articles cover a range of topics including gratitude, parenting, relationships, fitness, yoga, health & holistic well-being, compassion, and spiritual practice. As an advocate, Lasára writes and speaks about living, parenting and working with bipolar disorder. In 2008 she designed GratitudeGames..

Over the years, Lasára has helped clients and students find balance in their lives, and alignment with personal and family-held values. She has taught, spoken, and coached internationally.

Lasára is mom to two amazing daughters, and wife to Robert Allen, an outstanding man.

Find more of Lasára’s writing at http://www.LasaraAllen.com, and more about Lasára’s gratitude projects at http://www.TheGratitudePlace.com.

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